We kiss once more; Ramon climbs into his car, and drives away down my street.
I watch him leave, thinking that at least one thing went right this summer.
I wander back into my house, wondering what my new relationship has in store for me.
Epilogue
2013
Dear Kira,
I have come to realize that I owe you an overdue apology. Everything that went down ten years ago was a real tragedy, and I can see now that you were always looking out for my best interests….
We were so young, and that asshole really did a number on our friendship. Since I broke up with him, I have come to realize that he has antisocial personality disorder (aka he has no moral compass and a general disregard for the rules of society), but he is also smart. This is a bad mix, and I think he meticulously destroyed our friendship in order to bring me down and have more control over me. I believe he knew exactly what he was doing.
I have missed you tremendously over the years. I keep having a dream in which I ask you if we can be friends again, and you always tell me, “No.” Every time I have this dream, I wake up with my face covered in tears.
I'm not sure if you will be interested, but I got married a couple of years ago to an amazing man. He makes me feel more comfortable to be myself than anybody else I've ever known. When I was getting ready for our wedding, I was sad to know you were not going to be part of my bridal party. Even when I look at my wedding pictures, I feel like a face is missing and wondered what it would have been like to have you there. We have missed out on so much…
When I took chemistry in college, there were two girls in my class who greatly reminded me of how we used to be. They were two peas in a pod, just like we were. I was jealous of their friendship because I never had anything like it before or after I knew you. But then they got into a fight. I tried to talk to them, to encourage them to sort out their differences, because I didn't want to see their friendship fall apart as ours once did. But, it was to no avail. I mourn what they lost.
I have only recently realized that Ramon was ultimately the demise of our friendship. I was blinded by the idea of love and refused to listen to you. Back when we were sixteen, you saw reality much more clearly than I did, and all you ever did was look out for me. I wish I had listened to you when you were trying to be there for me because it would have saved me from a horrible, abusive, relationship.
Over these past ten years I have really missed you and wished I knew what was going on in your life. I don't even know if this is your email address anymore or if you're still living in California. Sometimes I wonder if you are married and what career you chose. It makes my heart cry that I don't know. Ramon took away so much from us.
All I can hope is that you can accept my apology. But, if you don't mind, I would really like it if we could chat every so often, maybe friend each other on Facebook. Not that I am expecting anything, but I would really love it if someday we could hang out and get to know each other again. It seems silly to no longer be friends because of a boy who brought us down ten years ago.
However, I will understand if you don't write back to me. At least I have gotten a chance to apologize.
Take care,
Mackenzie
Discussion
Abusive relationships are much more prevalent than anyone would want to believe. According to Know More (www.knowmoresaymore.org), 30% of teenagers report that they have experienced abuse in a romantic relationship, and 20% of young adults between 18-24 have experienced forced sex. The United States Department of Justice (www.ovw.usdoj.gov/domviolence.htm) states that “Domestic violence can happen to anyone regardless of race, age, sexual orientation, religion, or gender. Domestic violence affects people of all socioeconomic backgrounds and education levels. Domestic violence occurs in both opposite-sex and same-sex relationships and can happen to intimate partners who are married, living together, or dating.” And so, it is important that everybody knows what an abusive relationship looks like in order to avoid one.
The best way to avoid an abusive relationship is to proactively look to protect yourself and do your best to get out of a bad situation before it evolves into something worse. Here are some pointers to keep in mind:
As a baseline, remember that if a guy likes you, he will make the effort to bring you into his life. If the guy is putting no effort into “courting” you, then he is not worth your time or energy.
Listen to your gut feeling. If a guy does or says something that makes you feel uncomfortable or uneasy in any way, listen to what your body is telling you and act accordingly.
If a guy cannot accept when you tell him “no” to anything (even as mild as going out for drinks or going to a movie), recognize that is a sign that he has an alternative motive. Remove yourself from the situation as quickly as possible.
Consider the possible message that your outfit could send to a date. While you may want to wear a skirt or dress because it looks cute or because it is hot outside, some guys will not see it this way. Unfortunately, there are guys who will think you are wearing a skirt on a date because you want to have sex and a skirt gives “easy access.”
Certain completely innocent activities will make guys think you want to engage in fellatio, also known as oral intercourse. These activities can range from sucking on a lollipop, to drinking out of a straw, to licking icing off of your fingers. Any behavior that involves you licking or sucking food will be construed by some guys as an indication that you want to engage in fellatio.
Hanging out with a guy in your bedroom can and will send him the message that you are interested in sex. While you may be seeking privacy from your parents or roommates to chat, guys may not see it that way.
Likewise, inviting a guy into your home after a date is virtually considered the universal sign that you want to have sex. Do not invite him in unless this is what you have in mind. This also goes the other way around. If he invites you over to his place after a date, that often means he wants to have sex. Be sure to clarify the parameters of your intentions.
Just because you think a man is much too old for you does not mean a man will think you are too young for him. Fifty year old men have been known to pursue eighteen year old women. Older men can and do see gaining a younger significant other as a prize to be won. That is the whole basis behind the idea of a “trophy wife.” Do not let your guard down around older men, for some of them will attempt to win your intimate affections.
In a similar vein, recognize that while you may not be interested in a guy, he may be interested in you. In these cases, the guy will construe anything you do as a sign that you are receptive to his advances. Be on the lookout anytime a guy may be acting more friendly than average, and in these cases be sure to make your intentions clear.
Keep your eyes on your drinks at all times, and do not accept a drink from a stranger. Flunitrazepam, which is also known as “Roofies” or the “date rape drug,” can easily be added to drinks unbeknownst to the victim because it is virtually tasteless. Only take drinks that have come straight from the bar tender. Do not ever assume that you are safe because you're in a “safe area” or because you are with friends. People have been known to be “Roofied” at Disneyland, one of the last places one would expect that to happen.
Until you say “I do,” do not open a shared bank account with your significant other. There is no easier way to steal money than right out of a shared bank account.
On that same note, never share any of your passwords (whether it be to your Facebook page or to your online banking), and change your passwords if you have shared them.
If your significant other refuses to tell his friends or family about your relationship, or insists on leaving his relationship status as “single” on Facebook, that is a sign that he's not faithful to you.
General signs of an unhealthy relationship according to Women's Health (www.womenshealth.gov/violence-against-women/) include:
Focusing all of your energy on your partner.<
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Dropping friends and family or activities you enjoy.
Feeling pressured or controlled a lot.
Having more bad times in the relationship than good.
Feeling sad or scared when with your partner.
There are several types of domestic abuse including physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, economic abuse, and psychological abuse. Each of these specific types of abuse has been described by the United States Department of Justice.
Physical abuse:
Hitting, slapping, shoving, grabbing, pinching, biting, hair pulling, etc.
Denying a partner medical care.
Forcing alcohol and/or drug use upon him/her.
Sexual abuse:
Coercing or attempting to coerce any sexual contact or behavior without consent.
Marital rape.
Attacks on sexual parts of the body.
Forcing sex after physical violence has occurred.
Treating one in a sexually demeaning manner.
This IS NOT an all-inclusive list.
Emotional Abuse:
Undermining an individual's sense of self-worth and/or self-esteem.
Constant criticism.
Diminishing one's abilities.
Name-calling.
Damaging one's relationship with his/her children.
Economic Abuse:
Making or attempting to make an individual financially dependent by maintaining total control over financial resources.
Withholding one's access to money.
Forbidding one's attendance at school or employment.
Pressuring one to spend or “loan” money to the abuser.
Psychological abuse:
Causing fear by intimidation.
Threatening physical harm to self, partner, children, or partner's family or friends.
Destruction and abuse of pets and property.
Forcing isolation from family, friends, or school and/or work.
According to Women's Health these are signs of teen dating violence:
Constantly texting or sending instant messages to monitor you.
Insisting on getting serious very quickly.
Acting very jealous or bossy.
Pressuring you to do sexual things.
Posting sexual photos of you online without permission.
Threatening to hurt you or themselves if you break up.
Blaming you for the abuse.
Women's Health continues to say that if you have been abused or attacked, you may feel terribly afraid, confused, shocked, angry, or emotionally numb. Every woman is different, and all these feelings are natural. Experiencing abuse or an attack can lead to serious mental health problems including post-traumatic stress disorder, depression, and anxiety. Additionally, teenage girls in abusive relationships are much more likely than other girls to become pregnant. Abuse can get worse during pregnancy, and it can harm the baby growing inside you.
Victims of abuse may actually like it, or it may feel good, which makes abusive relationships all the much harder to recognize. Once the abuse is over, possibly for a long time, the victim will experience guilt or embarrassment because they enjoyed the abuse. If you have experienced this conflicting emotion, know that you are not alone.
At times an abuser may be very sweet and affectionate. Do not let these acts of kindness fool you. Abusive relationships often follow a three part cycle:
Explosion – Outburst of any kind of abuse.
Honeymoon – “I'm so sorry, it won't happen again,” buy gifts, nice dates, etc.
Tension Building – Feeling the need to tread lightly.
Many people stay in abusive relationships because of denial. The victim may desperately want, wish, or believe that their abuser is a better or different person or that s/he will “grow up.” Regardless of how enticing this may be to the victim, it is important to recognize this is actually denial. Remember, your emotional, physical, psychological, sexual well-being is incredibly important, and you should do your best to protect yourself despite any possible concerns about hurting your abuser.
Also, as the United States Department of Justice says, domestic violence not only affects those who are abused but also has a substantial effect on family members, friends, co-workers, other witnesses, and the community at large. Children who grow up witnessing domestic violence are among those seriously affected by this crime. Frequent exposure to violence in the home not only predisposes children to numerous social and physical problems but also teaches them that violence is a normal way of life therefore increasing their risk of becoming society's next generation of victims and abusers.
If you think you are in an abusive relationship, there are many resources for help. Resources that are listed on Women's Health include:
The National Domestic Violence Hotline. Staff is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and offers safety planning and crisis help. They can connect you to a shelter and services in your area. Staff can send out written information on topics such as domestic violence, sexual assault, and the legal system. More than 170 languages are available. You will hear a recording and may have to wait for a short time. Here is how you can contact them: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
1-800-787-3224 (TTY)
www.thehotline.org/get-help/contact-the-hotline/
The National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline. Staff is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. You will hear a recording and may have to wait for a short time. Here is how you can contact them: 1-866-331-8474
1-866-331-8453 (TTD)
You can send them an email and find a link to chat with a representative live online from 5:00 pm – 3:00 am EST at: http://www.loveisrespect.org/get-help/contact-us
Leaving an abusive relationship can be tricky, dangerous, and emotionally exhausting. Here are some tips from Women's Health that you can follow:
Create a safety plan (i.e. where you can go if you are in danger).
Make sure you have a working cellphone handy in case you need to call for help.
Create a secret code with people you trust. That way, if you are with your partner, you can get help without saying you need help (in person, on the phone, texting, etc.)
If you're breaking up with someone you see at your high school or college, you can get help from a guidance counselor, advisor, teacher, school nurse, dean's office, or principal. You also might be able to change your class schedules or even transfer to another school.
If you have a job, talk to someone you trust at work. Your human resources department or employee assistance program (EAP) may be able to help.
Try to avoid walking or riding alone.
Be smart about technology. Don't share your passwords and change any passwords you may have shared. Don't post your schedule on Facebook and keep your settings private.
Here are some sources for more information:
www.knowmoresaymore.org
www.ovw.usdoj.gov/domviolence.htm
www.womenshealth.gov/violence-against-women
About the Author
K.A. Castillo wrote the first version of The Convenience of Lies when she was a teenager. After studying the process of storytelling at California State University Northridge, where she earned her Bachelor's degree in film production, she revisited this project to complete the story. The Convenience of Lies is K.A. Castillo's debut novel.
K.A. Castillo is currently a graduate student and lives in Southern California with her husband and three cats.
Dear reader,
Thank you for taking time to read The Convenience of Lies. If you enjoyed it, please consider telling your friends or posting a short review. Word of mouth is an author’s best friend and much appreciated.
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