The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated)
Page 65
Tying thine ear to no tongue but thine own!
Why, what a hotheaded and impatient fool
you are, to screech like a woman,
listening to nobody but yourself!
HOT.
Why, look you, I am whipp'd and scourged with rods,
Nettled, and stung with pismires, when I hear
Of this vile politician, Bolingbroke.
In Richard's time,--what do you call the place?--
A plague upon't!--it is in Gioucestershire;--
'Twas where the madcap Duke his uncle kept,
His uncle York;--where I first bow'd my knee
Unto this king of smiles, this Bolingbroke;--
When you and he came back from Ravenspurg.
Well, look, I am beaten and cut with rods,
stung with nettles and ants, when I hear
about this vile politician Bolingbroke.
In Richard's time–what do you call the place?
Damn it, it's in Gloucestershire–
where the crazy duke kept his uncle,
his uncle York–that was where I first knelt
to this smiling King, this Bolingbroke,
by God, when you and he came back from Ravenspurgh.
NORTH.
At Berkeley-castle.
At Berkeley Castle.
HOT.
You say true:--
Why, what a candy deal of courtesy
This fawning greyhound then did proffer me!
Look, when his infant fortune came to age,
And, Gentle Harry Percy, and kind cousin,--
O, the Devil take such cozeners!--God forgive me!--
Good uncle, tell your tale; for I have done.
That's right:
well, what a sugary quantity of courtesy
this grovelling dog offered me then!
"See, when his infant fortune comes of age",
and, "gentle Harry Percy", and "kind cousin"–
O, the devil take such deceivers! God forgive me!
Good uncle, tell your tale; I'm finished.
WOR.
Nay, if you have not, to't again;
We'll stay your leisure.
Well, if you haven't, carry on;
we'll wait for you.
HOT.
I have done, i'faith.
I swear, I'm finished.
WOR.
Then once more to your Scottish prisoners.
Deliver them up without their ransom straight,
And make the Douglas' son your only mean
For powers in Scotland; which, for divers reasons
Which I shall send you written, be assured,
Will easily be granted.--
[To Northumberland.] You, my lord,
Your son in Scotland being thus employ'd,
Shall secretly into the bosom creep
Of that same noble prelate, well beloved,
Th' Archbishop.
Then go back to your Scottish prisoners.
Hand them over at once without their ransom,
and make the son of Douglas your only
agent of power in Scotland; for various reasons,
which I shall write to you about, I can assure you,
that will definitely be granted–
[to Northumberland] you, my lord,
while your son is doing this in Scotland
you shall secretly creep into the heart
of that noble clergyman, the well loved
Archbishop.
HOT.
Of York, is't not?
Of York, you mean?
WOR.
True; who bears hard
His brother's death at Bristol, the Lord Scroop.
I speak not this in estimation,
As what I think might be, but what I know
Is ruminated, plotted, and set down,
And only stays but to behold the face
Of that occasion that shall bring it on.
Yes; he has taken his brother's
death at Bristol, the Lord Scroop, very hard.
I'm not just guessing this,
saying I think it might be the case, I know
it has been thought of, plotted and written down,
and is only waiting for the right time
to bring it on.
HOT.
I smell't:upon my life, it will do well.
I can smell it: I swear on my life, it will do well.
NORTH.
Before the game's a-foot, thou still lett'st slip.
But you are unleashing the hounds before the game is running.
HOT.
Why, it cannot choose but be a noble plot:--
And then the power of Scotland and of York
To join with Mortimer, ha?
Well, it can't help be a noble plot:
and then the power of Scotland and of York
will join with Mortimer, yes?
WOR.
And so they shall.
Yes they shall.
HOT.
In faith, it is exceedingly well aim'd.
By God, this is very well-planned.
WOR.
And 'tis no little reason bids us speed,
To save our heads by raising of a head;
For, bear ourselves as even as we can,
The King will always think him in our debt,
And think we think ourselves unsatisfied,
Till he hath found a time to pay us home:
And see already how he doth begin
To make us strangers to his looks of love.
And we've got very good reason to be hasty,
to save our heads by raising an army;
for, however reasonable we are,
the King would always think of himself as being in our debt,
and think that we are not satisfied,
until he has found a way to finish us off:
you can already see how he's beginning
to ostracise us from his love.
HOT.
He does, he does:we'll be revenged on him.
He is, he is, we'll have revenge on him.
WOR.
Cousin, farewell:no further go in this
Than I by letters shall direct your course.
When time is ripe,-- which will be suddenly,--
I'll steal to Glendower and Lord Mortimer;
Where you and Douglas, and our powers at once,
As I will fashion it, shall happily meet,
To bear our fortunes in our own strong arms,
Which now we hold at much uncertainty.
Cousin, farewell. Don't do anything more
than what I instruct you by letter.
When the time comes, and it will be sudden,
I'll go secretly to Glendower, and Lord Mortimer,
where you, and Douglas, and all of our forces together,
as I plan it, will happily meet,
to take our fortunes into our own strong hands,
to end the uncertainty we have now.
NORTH.
Farewell, good brother:we shall thrive, I trust.
Farewell, good brother: I hope we shall succeed.
HOT.
Uncle, adieu: O, let the hours be short,
Till fields and blows and groans applaud our sport!
Uncle, goodbye: oh, don't let it be long
until battlefields and blows and groans applaud our efforts!
[Exeunt.]
[Enter a Carrier with a lantern in his hand.]
1. CAR.
Heigh-ho! an't be not four by the day, I'll be hang'd:
Charles' wain is over the new chimney, and yet our horse' not
pack'd.--What, ostler!
Come on! If it's not already four in the morning I'll be
hanged; the Great Bear is over the new chimney, and
our horse is still not loaded. Hello, stableman!
OST.
[within.] Anon, anon.
I
n a minute.
1. CAR.
I pr'ythee, Tom, beat Cut's saddle, put a few flocks in the
point; the poor jade is wrung in the withers out of all cess.
And please Tom,plump up the horse's saddle and put some wool
in the pommel; the poor nag has calluses all over its shoulders.
[Enter another Carrier.]
2. CAR.
Peas and beans are as dank here as a dog, and that is the
next way to give poor jades the bots; this house is turned
upside down since Robin ostler died.
The peas and beans here are as damp as a dog, and that's the
best way to give poor nags worms; this house has been
turned upside down since Robin the ostler died.
1. CAR.
Poor fellow! never joyed since the price of oats rose; it was
the death of him.
Poor fellow! He had never been happy since the price of oats went up; it was
the death of him.
2. CAR.
I think this be the most villainous house in all London road
for fleas:I am stung like a tench.
I think this must be the worst house on the London Road
for fleas, I'm stung like a tench.
1. CAR.
Like a tench! by the Mass, there is ne'er a king in Christendom
could be better bit than I have been since the first cock.--What,
ostler! come away and be hang'd; come away.
Like a tench! By heaven, there isn't a king in Christendom
who could have been bitten better than I have been since midnight–
hello, ostler! Hurry up, and be hanged, hurry up!
2. CAR.
I have a gammon of bacon and two razes of ginger, to be
delivered as far as Charing-cross.
I have a joint of bacon and two ginger roots, to be
delivered to Charing Cross.
1. CAR.
'Odsbody! the turkeys in my pannier are quite starved.--What,
ostler! A plague on thee! hast thou never an eye in thy head?
canst not hear? An 'twere not as good a deed as drink to break
the pate of thee, I am a very villain. Come, and be hang'd:
hast no faith in thee?
My God! The turkeys in my basket are quite starved.–What,
ostler! A plague on you! Don't you have eyes in your head?
Can't you hear? If it's not as good a thing to break your head as it is
to have a drink, I'm a villain. Hurry up, and be hanged:
can't you do anything?
[Enter Gadshill.]
GADS.
Good morrow, carriers. What's o'clock?
Good day, carriers. What's the time?
1. CAR.
I think it be two o'clock.
I think it's two o'clock.
GADS.
I pr'ythee, lend me thy lantern, to see my gelding in the
stable.
Please, lend me your lantern, so I can see my gelding in the
stable.
1. CAR.
Nay, soft, I pray ye; I know a trick worth two of that, i'faith.
No, please be quiet; I'm not such a fool as that.
GADS.
I pr'ythee, lend me thine.
I'm asking, lend me yours.
2. CAR.
Ay, when? canst tell? Lend me thy lantern, quoth a? marry, I'll
see thee hang'd first.
What's that? Eh? Lend me your lantern, he says? I swear, I'll
see you hanged first.
GADS.
Sirrah carrier, what time do you mean to come to London?
Mr Carrier, what time do you intend to arrive in London?
2. CAR.
Time enough to go to bed with a candle, I warrant thee.--
Come, neighbour Muggs, we'll call up the gentlemen:they will
along with company, for they have great charge.
In time to go to bed with a candle, I promise you.
Come, neighbour Muggs, we'll call the gentlemen; they will
want to come along with us, for they have a valuable cargo.
[Exeunt Carriers.]
GADS.
What, ho! chamberlain!
Hello there! Chamberlain!
CHAM.
[Within.] At hand, quoth pick-purse.
I'm ready Sir, as the pickpocket says.
GADS.
That's even as fair as--at hand, quoth the chamberlain; for
thou variest no more from picking of purses than giving
direction doth from labouring; thou lay'st the plot how.
That's as good as “I'm ready, as the Chamberlain says"; for
you're no more different to a pickpocket than a foreman
is to his labourers; you're the one who plans everything.
[Enter Chamberlain.]
CHAM.
Good morrow, Master Gadshill. It holds current that I told
you yesternight:there's a franklin in the wild of Kent hath
brought three hundred marks with him in gold:I heard him
tell it to one of his company last night at supper; a kind of
auditor; one that hath abundance of charge too, God knows what.
They are up already, and call for eggs and butter; they will away
presently.
Good day, Master Gadshill. What I told you yesterday
evening is still true: there's a freeholder in the Weald of Kent who has
brought three hundred marks in gold with him: I heard him
mention it to one of his company last night at supper; he's a kind of
accountant; and one who has plenty of responsibility too, God knows what.
They are already up, and calling for buttered eggs; they will leave
shortly.
GADS.
Sirrah, if they meet not with Saint Nicholas' clerks, I'll give
thee this neck.
Sir, if they don't meet some highwaymen, you can
hang me.
CHAM.
No, I'll none of it: I pr'ythee, keep that for the hangman; for
I know thou worshippest Saint Nicholas as truly as a man of
falsehood may.
No, I'll have none of that: please, keep your neck for the hangman; for
I know that you worship the patron saint of highwaymen as truly as
such a false man can.
GADS.
What talkest thou to me of the hangman? if I hang, I'll make
a fat pair of gallows; for, if I hang, old Sir John hangs with
me, and thou know'st he is no starveling. Tut! there are other
Trojans that thou dreamest not of, the which, for sport-sake,
are content to do the profession some grace; that would, if
matters should be look'd into, for their own credit-sake, make
all whole. I am joined with no foot land-rakers, no long-staff
sixpenny strikers, none of these mad mustachio purple-hued
malt-worms; but with nobility and tranquillity, burgomasters and
great oneyers; such as can hold in, such as will strike sooner
than speak, and speak sooner than drink, and drink sooner than
pray:and yet, zwounds, I lie; for they pray continually to their
saint, the Commonwealth; or, rather, not pray to her, but prey on
her, for they ride up and down on her, and make her their boots.
Why you talking to me about the hangman? If I hang, it'll be
on a fat pair of gallows; because, if I hang, old Sir John will hang with
me, and you know he's no lightweight. Tut! There are other
companions who you don't know about, who, just for fun,
are prepared to do the job properly; they would, if
asked to look into the matter, for the sake of their own credit, do
the whole thing. I don't associate with f
ootpads, thugs
who rob for sixpence, none of these purple faced moustached
boozers; but with noblemen, calm men, mayors and
important officials; ones who can control themselves, who will
strike sooner than speak, and speak sooner than drink, and drink sooner than
pray: and yet, by God, I lie; for they pray continually to their
saint, the Commonwealth; or rather, they don't pray to her, they prey on her,
for they ride up and down on her, making her their booty.
CHAM.
What, the Commonwealth their boots? will she hold out water
in foul way?
What, the Commonwealth is their boots? Will she keep out the water
on muddy roads?
GADS.
She will, she will; justice hath liquor'd her. We steal as in a
castle, cock-sure; we have the receipt of fernseed,--we walk
invisible.
She will, she will; she's been well greased. We steal with
complete impunity; it's as if we've taken the fernseed to make us invisible.
CHAM.
Nay, by my faith, I think you are more beholding to the night
than to fern-seed for your walking invisible.
No, I swear, I think it's the night rather than
fernseed that makes you invisible.
GADS.
Give me thy hand:thou shalt have a share in our purchase, as
I am a true man.
Give me your hand: you shall get us to share of our profits,