The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated)
Page 83
see it, even if he has a lantern to guide him.
Where's Bardolph?
PAGE.
He's gone into Smithfield to buy your worship a horse.
He's gone to Smithfield to buy your worship a horse.
FALSTAFF.
I bought him in Paul's, and he'll buy me a horse in Smithfield:
an I could get me but a wife in the stews, I were manned, horsed,
and wived.
I picked him up in St Paul's, and he is buying me a horse in Smithfield:
if I could just get a wife from the slums, I would have servant, horse and wife.
[Enter the Lord Chief-Justice and Servant.]
PAGE.
Sir, here comes the nobleman that committed the Prince for
striking him about Bardolph.
Sir, here comes the nobleman who sent the Prince to trial
for hitting him on Bardolph's behalf.
FALSTAFF.
Wait close; I will not see him.
Keep close to me; I won't recognise him.
CHIEF JUSTICE.
What's he that goes there?
Who's that over there?
SERVANT.
Falstaff, an 't please your lordship.
If you please your lordship, that's Falstaff.
CHIEF JUSTICE.
He that was in question for the robbery?
The one we questioned over the robbery?
SERVANT.
He, my lord; but he hath since done good service at
Shrewsbury; and, as I hear, is now going with some charge to the
Lord John of Lancaster.
Him, my lord; but since then he has served well at
Shrewsbury, and, I hear, is now going on some mission
to Lord John of Lancaster.
CHIEF JUSTICE.
What, to York? Call him back again.
What, to York? Call him back here.
SERVANT.
Sir John Falstaff!
Sir John Falstaff!
FALSTAFF.
Boy, tell him I am deaf.
Boy, tell him I am deaf.
PAGE.
You must speak louder; my master is deaf.
You must speak louder; my master is deaf.
CHIEF JUSTICE.
I am sure he is, to the hearing of anything good.
Go, pluck him by the elbow; I must speak with him.
I'm sure he is, to listening to anything good.
Go and grab him by the elbow; I have to speak with him.
SERVANT.
Sir John!
Sir John!
FALSTAFF.
What! a young knave, and begging! Is there not wars? is
there not employment? doth not the king lack subjects? do not the
rebels need soldiers? Though it be a shame to be on any side but
one, it is worse shame to beg than to be on the worst side, were
it worse than the name of rebellion can tell how to make it.
What! A young scoundrel, begging! Are there no wars? Is
there no work to do? Does the king have no subjects? Do
the rebels not need soldiers? Although it is shameful to be on any side apart
from one, it's more shameful to beg them to be on the worst side,
even if it carried an even more evil name than rebellion.
SERVANT.
You mistake me, sir.
You misunderstand me, sir.
FALSTAFF.
Why, sir, did I say you were an honest man? setting my knighthood
and my soldiership aside, I had lied in my throat, if I had said so.
Why, sir, did I say that you were an honest man? If I was not
a knight and a soldier and could tell lies, I would be
lying if I said so.
SERVANT.
I pray you, sir, then set your knighthood and your soldiership aside;
and give me leave to tell you, you lie in your throat, if you say I
am any other than an honest man.
Then I pray you, sir, forget your knighthood and
your soldiership, and give me permission to tell you
that you are lying through your teeth, if you say I am anything other than an honest man.
FALSTAFF.
I give thee leave to tell me so! I lay aside that which grows to me!
If thou gettest any leave of me, hang me; if thou takest leave,
thou wert better be hanged. You hunt counter: hence! avaunt!
Me give you permission to tell me that! Put aside the things
that are an integral part of me? If you get any permission from me, hang me.
If you try it without my permission, you would be better off hanged. You
have got the wrong man. Get out! Away!
SERVANT.
Sir, my lord would speak with you.
Sir, my lord wants to speak to you.
CHIEF JUSTICE.
Sir John Falstaff, a word with you.
Sir John Falstaff, a word with you.
FALSTAFF.
My good lord! God give your lordship good time of day. I am glad to
see your lordship abroad: I heard say your lordship was sick:
I hope your lordship goes abroad by advice. Your lordship, though
not clean past your youth, hath yet some smack of age in you, some
relish of the saltness of time; and I most humbly beseech your lordship
to have a reverend care of your health.
My good Lord! May God wish your lordship a good
day. I'm glad to see your Lordship out and about, I heard
rumours that your Lordship was sick. I hope your lordship goes
out on the advice of his doctors; your lordship, though you have not completely
lost your youth, has some signs of ageing in him,
some taste of the saltiness of time; and I most
humbly beg your lordship to take good care of your health.
CHIEF JUSTICE.
Sir John, I sent for you before your expedition to Shrewsbury.
Sir John, I sent for you before your journey
to Shrewsbury.
FALSTAFF.
An 't please your lordship, I hear his majesty is returned
with some discomfort from Wales.
If you please your lordship, I hear his Majesty has come back
from Wales in some discomfort.
CHIEF JUSTICE.
I talk not of his majesty: you would not come when I
sent for you.
I'm not talking about his Majesty: you didn't come when I
sent for you.
FALSTAFF.
And I hear, moreover, his highness is fall'n into this same
whoreson apoplexy.
And I also hear at his Highness is suffering from
this damned paralysis.
CHIEF JUSTICE.
Well God mend him! I pray you, let me speak with you.
Well, may God cure him! Please, let me speak with you.
FALSTAFF.
This apoplexy is, as I take it, a kind of lethargy, an 't please
your lordship; a kind of sleeping in the blood, a whoreson tingling.
This paralysis is, I assume, a kind of tiredness, if your
Lordship pleases; a kind of sleepiness in the blood, a blasted tingling.
CHIEF JUSTICE.
What tell you me of it? be it as it is.
Why you telling me about it? It is what it is.
FALSTAFF.
It hath it original from much grief, from study and perturbation
of the brain: I have read the cause of his effects in Galen:
it is a kind of deafness.
It originates from great grief, from too much study and
disturbance of the brain; I've read about the symptoms
in Galen's books, it is a kind of deafness.
CHIEF JUSTICE.
I think you are fallen into the disease
, for you hear not
what I say to you.
I think you must have that disease, for you don't hear
what I say to you.
FALSTAFF.
Very well, my lord, very well: rather, an 't please you, it
is the disease of not listening, the malady of not marking, that
I am troubled withal.
Very good, my lord, very good: but, if you please, it
is a disease of not listening, of not paying any attention,
that afflicts me at the moment.
CHIEF JUSTICE.
To punish you by the heels would amend the attention
of your ears; and I care not if I do become your physician.
To slap you in prison would make you listen;
and I'm quite prepared to be your doctor.
FALSTAFF.
I am as poor as Job, my lord, but not so patient: your lordship
may minister the potion of imprisonment to me in respect of poverty;
but how I should be your patient to follow your prescriptions,
the wise may make some dram of a scruple, or indeed a scruple itself.
I am as poor as Job, my lord, but I don't have his patience: your lordship
may give me your cure of imprisonment due to my poverty;
but whether I would be able to follow your prescription as your patient,
I think even wise people might have a little doubt about that.
CHIEF JUSTICE.
I sent for you, when there were matters against you
for your life, to come speak with me.
I sent you, when you were accused of
capital offences, to come and speak with me.
FALSTAFF.
As I was then advised by my learned counsel in the laws
of this land-service, I did not come.
And I was then advised by my lawyer that the laws
of military service said I did not have to come.
CHIEF JUSTICE.
Well, the truth is, Sir John, you live in great infamy.
Well, the truth is, Sir John, you have a great bad reputation.
FALSTAFF.
He that buckles himself in my belt cannot live in less.
Someone with a belt the size of mine has to be great.
CHIEF JUSTICE.
Your means are very slender, and your waste is great.
You have very slender means, but you waste a lot of money.
FALSTAFF.
I would it were otherwise; I would my means were greater,
and my waist slenderer.
I wish it was different; I'd like to have great means,
and a slender waist.
CHIEF JUSTICE.
You have misled the youthful prince.
You have misled the young prince.
FALSTAFF.
The young prince hath misled me: I am the fellow with the
great belly, and he my dog.
The young prince misled me; I am the chap with the
great belly, and he's my dog.
CHIEF JUSTICE.
Well, I am loath to gall a new-healed wound: your day's service
at Shrewsbury hath a little gilded over your night's exploit
on Gad's-hill: you may thank the unquiet time for your quiet
o'er-posting that action.
Well, I don't want to pick at a newly healed scab: the service you did
at Shrewsbury has somewhat compensated for your exploits
in the night at Gadshill: you can thank these disturbed times
for the fact that that disturbance has been forgotten.
FALSTAFF.
My lord?
My lord?
CHIEF JUSTICE.
But since all is well, keep it so: wake not a sleeping wolf.
But since everything is settled, keep it like that: let sleeping dogs lie.
FALSTAFF.
To wake a wolf is as bad as smell a fox.
Leave the sleeping dogs, I can smell a rat.
CHIEF JUSTICE.
What! you are as a candle, the better part burnt out.
What! You're like a candle, the best part of you is burnt out.
FALSTAFF.
A wassail candle, my lord, all tallow: if I did say of wax, my
growth would approve the truth.
A long-lasting Christmas candle, my lord, all animal fat:
if I said I was wax, my size would show the truth.
CHIEF JUSTICE.
There is not a white hair in your face but should have his
effect of gravity.
Those white hairs on your face show that you should
act with more maturity.
FALSTAFF.
His effect of gravy, gravy, gravy.
Act with gravy, gravy, gravy.
CHIEF JUSTICE.
You follow the young prince up and down, like his ill angel.
You follow the young Prince about, like a bad angel.
FALSTAFF.
Not so, my lord; your ill angel is light; but I hope he that looks
upon me will take me without weighing: and yet, in some respects,
I grant, I cannot go: I cannot tell. Virtue is of so little regard
in these costermonger times that true valour is turned bear-herd;
pregnancy is made a tapster, and hath his quick wit wasted in giving
reckonings: all the other gifts appertinent to man, as the malice of
this age shapes them, are not worth a gooseberry. You that are old
consider not the capacities of us that are young; you do measure the
heat of our livers with the bitterness of your galls: and we that
are in the vaward of our youth, I must confess, are wags too.
Not so, my lord, the bad angel is light, and I hope
anyone who looks at me can see I'm a good weight.
And yet in some ways, I agree, I cannot walk about.
I don't know what to think–virtue is so poorly regarded in these
common times that brave men have had to become
bear leaders; intelligence has become a barman, and his
quick wit is wasted in adding up bills; all the
other gifts that a man can have are worth nothing
in this worthless age. You
who are old do not think of the capabilities
of we young folk; you measure our passion by your own
dried up standards: and I must admit that we who are
at the height of our youth are certainly high-spirited.
CHIEF JUSTICE.
Do you set down your name in the scroll of youth, that are written
down old with all the characters of age? Have you not a moist eye?
a dry hand? a yellow cheek? a white beard? a decreasing leg? an
increasing belly? is not your voice broken? your wind short? your
chin double? your wit single? and every part about you blasted
with antiquity? and will you yet call yourself young? Fie, fie,
fie, Sir John!
Do you put yourself down as a young person, when everyone
can see how old you are? Don't you have a rheumy eye?
A dry hand? A yellow cheek? A white beard? Creaking
legs? A swelling belly? Isn't your voice cracked? Aren't you
breathless? Do you have a double chin? A single
brain cell? And isn't everything about you marked
by age? And yet you still call yourself young? Come on,
come on, Sir John!
FALSTAFF.
My lord, I was born about three of the clock in the afternoon,
with a white head and something a round belly. For my voice, I
have lost it with halloing and singing of anthems. To approve my
youth further, I will not: the truth is, I am only old in judgement
and understanding; and he that will caper with me for a thousand
marks, let
him lend me the money, and have at him!
For the box of the ear that the prince gave you, he gave it like a
rude prince, and you took it like a sensible lord. I have checked
him for it, and the young lion repents; [aside] marry, not in ashes and
sackcloth, but in new silk and old sack.
My Lord, I was born about three o'clock in the afternoon,
with a white head and rather a round belly. As for my voice,
I have lost it giving hunting cries and singing anthems. I won't
give you any further proof of my youth: the truth is, I am only old in judgement
and understanding; anyone who wants to take a bet of a thousand marks that he
can outdance me can lend me the money and let's get on with it!
As for that clout round the ear that the Prince gave you, he gave it
like a rude prince, and you took it like a sensible Lord. I have reproved
him for it, and the young lion is sorry–[aside] he doesn't show his repentance
with sackcloth and ashes, but with new silk cloth and old sack.
CHIEF JUSTICE.
Well, God send the prince a better companion!
Well, may God send the prince a better companion!