The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated)

by William Shakespeare

  Exit Ambassadors.

  Exeter

  This was a merry message.

  That was a happy message.

  King

  We hope to make the sender blush at it. Therefore, my lords, omit no happy hour That may give furtherance to our expedition; For we have now no thought in us but France, Save those to God, that run before our business. Therefore, let our proportions for these wars Be soon collected, and all things thought upon That may with reasonable swiftness add More feathers to our wings; for, God before, We'll chide this Dauphin at his father's door. Therefore let every man now task his thought, That this fair action may on foot be brought.

  I hope it makes his messengers blush. However, let’s not waste any time. Our every thought must be of France, except for those that will run our affairs at home. Let’s get prepared for war. Collect everything we need so we may leave quickly. We’ll correct Dauphin at his father’s door. Everyone needs to get to their tasks to make this happen.

  Exit. Flourish.

  Enter Chorus.

  Chorus

  Now all the youth of England are on fire, And silken dalliance in the wardrobe lies. Now thrive the armourers, and honour's thought Reigns solely in the breast of every man. They sell the pasture now to buy the horse, Following the mirror of all Christian kings, With winged heels, as English Mercuries. For now sits Expectation in the air, And hides a sword from hilts unto the point With crowns imperial, crowns, and coronets, Promis'd to Harry and his followers. The French, advis'd by good intelligence Of this most dreadful preparation, Shake in their fear, and with pale policy Seek to divert the English purposes. O England! model to thy inward greatness, Like little body with a mighty heart, What mightst thou do, that honour would thee do, Were all thy children kind and natural! But see thy fault! France hath in thee found out A nest of hollow bosoms, which he fills With treacherous crowns; and three corrupted men, One, Richard Earl of Cambridge, and the second, Henry Lord Scroop of Masham, and the third, Sir Thomas Grey, knight of Northumberland, Have, for the gilt of France,--O guilt indeed!-- Confirm'd conspiracy with fearful France; And by their hands this grace of kings must die, If hell and treason hold their promises, Ere he take ship for France, and in Southampton. Linger your patience on, and we'll digest The abuse of distance, force a play. The sum is paid; the traitors are agreed; The King is set from London; and the scene Is now transported, gentles, to Southampton. There is the playhouse now, there must you sit; And thence to France shall we convey you safe, And bring you back, charming the narrow seas To give you gentle pass; for, if we may, We'll not offend one stomach with our play. But, till the King come forth, and not till then, Unto Southampton do we shift our scene.

  Now all the youth of England are on fire with the thoughts of war ahead, selling their land to buy horses. Expectation fills the air, as men prepare for war. The French, with knowledge of England’s invasion, shake in fear and try to create policies to divert the English. Oh, England! You are a model of greatness. If only all your children were so kind! But fault lies within three corrupt men, Richard, Earl of Cambridge, Henry, Lord Scroop of Masham, and Sir Thomas Grey, Knight of Northumberland. Oh, treachery and guilt! They conspire with France to bring down the king. Now, please be patient and watch as we perform the play. The sum is paid and the traitors have agreed. The king has left from London and arrived in Southampton. We will take you to France, but we will bring you back without offending your stomach, but not until the king comes. We are now in Southampton.

  Exit.

  Enter Corporal Nym and Lieutenant Bardolph.

  Bardolph

  Well met, Corporal Nym.

  Welcome, Corporal Nym.

  Nym

  Good morrow, Lieutenant Bardolph.

  Hello, Lieutenant Bardolph.

  Bardolph

  What, are Ancient Pistol and you friends yet?

  Are you and the Ancient Pistol friends, yet?

  Nym

  For my part, I care not. I say little; but when time shall serve, there shall be smiles; but that shall be as it may. I dare not fight, but I will wink and hold out mine iron. It is a simple one, but what though? It will toast cheese, and it will endure cold as another man's sword will; and there's an end.

  I don’t care. I say very little, but when the time comes, there will be smiles. I will not fight. I will wink and hold out my sword. It’s a simple one, but it will toast cheese, and it will take the cold as well as any other man’s.

  Bardolph

  I will bestow a breakfast to make you friends; and we'll be all three sworn brothers to France. Let it be so, good Corporal Nym.

  I will hold a breakfast to make you friends and we’ll all be three sworn brothers when we travel to France. Is that okay, Corporal Nym?

  Nym

  Faith, I will live so long as I may, that's the certain of it; and when I cannot live any longer, I will do as I may. That is my rest, that is the rendezvous of it.

  I swear, I will live as long as I can. That I am certain of. And, when my time has come, I will do what I want.

  Bardolph

  It is certain, corporal, that he is married to Nell Quickly; and certainly she did you wrong, for you were troth-plight to her.

  It’s true, Corporal, that he is married to Nell, and she did you wrong because she was supposed to marry you.

  Nym

  I cannot tell. Things must be as they may. Men may sleep, and they may have their throats about them at that time; and some say knives have edges. It must be as it may. Though patience be a tired mare, yet she will plod. There must be conclusions. Well, I cannot tell.

  I guess so. I am tired of being patient. There must be an end to this, although I don’t know when.

  Enter Pistol and Hostess.

  Bardolph

  Here comes Ancient Pistol and his wife. Good Corporal, be patient here. How now, mine host Pistol!

  Here comes Ancient Pistol and his wife. Be good, Corporal. Be patient here. How are you my host, Pistol?

  Pistol

  Base tike, call'st thou me host? Now, by this hand, I swear I scorn the term; Nor shall my Nell keep lodgers.

  Did you call me a host? I am not your host and my Nell does not keep lodgers.

  Hostess

  No, by my troth, not long; for we cannot lodge and board a dozen or fourteen gentlewomen that live honestly by the prick of their needles, but it will be thought we keep a bawdy house straight.

  No, honestly, we cannot board twelve or fourteen women who make a living by sewing without someone thinking we run a brothel.

  Nym and Pistol draw.

  O well a day, Lady, if he be not drawn now! We shall see wilful adultery and murder committed.

  Oh, he better draw now, or else we will see a murder and adultery committed today.

  Bardolph

  Good Lieutenant! good corporal! offer nothing here.

  Good Lieutenant! Good Corporal! Don’t do this here.

  Nym

  Pish!

  So what!

  Pistol

  Pish for thee, Iceland dog! thou prick-ear'd cur of Iceland!

  So what, you Icelandic dog! You rascal of Iceland!

  Hostess

  Good Corporal Nym, show thy valour, and put up your sword.

  Good Corporal Nym, show your valor and put away your sword.

  Nym

  Will you shog off? I would have you solus.

  Will you go away? I would love to get you alone.

  Pistol

  "Solus," egregious dog! O viper vile! The "solus" in thy most mervailous face; The "solus" in thy teeth, and in thy throat, And in thy hateful lungs, yea, in thy maw, perdy, And, which is worse, within thy nasty mouth! I do retort the "solus" in thy bowels; For I can take, and Pistol's cock is up, And flashing fire will follow.

  You want to get me alone, you dog? Oh you snake! The loneliness is in your face, teeth, throat, and hateful lungs. It’s even in your nasty mouth! I will make your bowels lonely when I blow them out of yo
ur body with my gun.

  Nym

  I am not Barbason; you cannot conjure me. I have an humour to knock you indifferently well. If you grow foul with me, Pistol, I will scour you with my rapier, as I may, in fair terms. If you would walk off, I would prick your guts a little, in good terms, as I may; and that's the humour of it.

  I am no spirit you can cast spells on. I have a good mind to knock you out. If you get ugly with me, Pistol, I will stab you with my sword. I would prick your guts in all fairness and that would be the end of it.

  Pistol

  O braggart vile and damned furious wight! The grave doth gape, and doting death is near, Therefore exhale.

  You vile man! Your death is near, and your grave is open. Take a deep breath.

  Bardolph

  Hear me, hear me what I say. He that strikes the first stroke I'll run him up to the hilts, as I am a soldier.

  Listen to me. I will kill the person who strikes first. I am a soldier.

  Draws.

  Pistol

  An oath of mickle might; and fury shall abate. Give me thy fist, thy fore-foot to me give. Thy spirits are most tall.

  That’s a powerful promise. We should calm down. Give me your hand or your foot. You have a brave spirit.

  Nym

  I will cut thy throat, one time or other, in fair terms: that is the humour of it.

  I will cut your throat sooner or later, and that’s that.

  Pistol

  "Couple a gorge!" That is the word. I thee defy again. O hound of Crete, think'st thou my spouse to get? No! to the spital go, And from the powdering tub of infamy Fetch forth the lazar kite of Cressid's kind, Doll Tearsheet she by name, and her espouse. I have, and I will hold, the quondam Quickly For the only she; and--pauca, there's enough. Go to.

  I think you’re trying to say, “Couple a gorge!” Do you think you can get my wife? No, go the hospital and get a wife, one with diseases.

  Enter the Boy.

  Boy

  Mine host Pistol, you must come to my master, and you, hostess. He is very sick, and would to bed. Good Bardolph, put thy face between his sheets, and do the office of a warming-pan. Faith, he's very ill.

  My host, Pistol, you must come to my master. And you, too, hostess. He is very sick and needs help. Good Bardolph, put your face underneath his sheets and be a warming pan. I swear, he is very ill.

  Bardolph

  Away, you rogue!

  Get out of here, you rascal!

  Hostess

  By my troth, he'll yield the crow a pudding one of these days. The King has kill'd his heart. Good husband, come home presently.

  Honestly, he will be food for the crows one day. The king has broken his heart. Come on husband. Come home.

  Exit Hostess and Boy.

  Bardolph

  Come, shall I make you two friends? We must to France together; why the devil should we keep knives to cut one another's throats?

  Come on. Can’t I help you two become friends? We have to go to France together. Should we take our knives to cut each other’s throats?

  Pistol

  Let floods o'erswell, and fiends for food howl on!

  Not until the rivers flood and fiends howl for food!

  Nym

  You'll pay me the eight shillings I won of you at betting?

  Are you going to pay me the eight shillings you owe me?

  Pistol

  Base is the slave that pays.

  Only slaves pay debts.

  Nym

  That now I will have: that's the humour of it.

  Then, I will take it now.

  Pistol

  As manhood shall compound. Push home.

  We’ll see. Go for it.

  They draw.

  Bardolph

  By this sword, he that makes the first thrust, I'll kill him; by this sword, I will.

  I swear by this sword, the first person to make a move, I’ll kill.

  Pistol

  Sword is an oath, and oaths must have their course.

  You better be prepared to keep your oath.

  Bardolph

  Corporal Nym, and thou wilt be friends, be friends; an thou wilt not, why, then, be enemies with me too. Prithee, put up.

  If you and Corporal Nym won’t be friends, then you can be my enemies, too. Prepare to fight.

  Nym

  I shall have my eight shillings I won from you at betting?

  I just want my eight shillings.

  Pistol

  A noble shalt thou have, and present pay; And liquor likewise will I give to thee, And friendship shall combine, and brotherhood. I'll live by Nym, and Nym shall live by me. Is not this just? For I shall sutler be Unto the camp, and profits will accrue. Give me thy hand.

  Okay, I will pay you, and give you some liquor. I offer you my hand in friendship, Nym. Give me your hand.

  Nym

  I shall have my noble?

  You’ll pay me.

  Pistol

  In cash most justly paid.

  Yes, in cash.

  Nym

  Well, then, that's the humour of't.

  Well, then, that’s that.

  Re-enter Hostess.

  Hostess

  As ever you come of women, come in quickly to Sir John. Ah, poor heart! he is so shak'd of a burning quotidian tertian, that it is most lamentable to behold. Sweet men, come to him.

  Come as quickly to Sir John as you would to a woman. Ah, the poor man! He is so feverish, it’s sad to see. Sweet gentlemen, come to him.

  Nym

  The King hath run bad humours on the knight; that's the even of it.

  The king has done him wrong. That’s that.

  Pistol

  Nym, thou hast spoke the right. His heart is fracted and corroborate.

  Nym, you are right. His heart is broken.

  Nym

  The King is a good king; but it must be as it may; he passes some humours and careers.

  He is a good king, but be that as it may, he is fickle.

  Pistol

  Let us condole the knight; for, lambkins, we will live.

  Let’s go see the knight, little lambs, for we will live.

  Enter Exeter, Bedford, and Westmoreland.

  Bedford

  'Fore God, his Grace is bold, to trust these traitors.

  I swear before God, the king is bold to trust these traitors.

  Exeter

  They shall be apprehended by and by.

  They will be arrested eventually.

  Westmoreland

  How smooth and even they do bear themselves! As if allegiance in their bosoms sat Crowned with faith and constant loyalty.

  They act all smooth, as if they were loyal and faithful men.

  Bedford

  The King hath note of all that they intend, By interception which they dream not of.

  They never expected the king to find out what they were doing.

  Exeter

  Nay, but the man that was his bed-fellow, Whom he hath dull'd and cloy'd with gracious favours, That he should, for a foreign purse, so sell His sovereign's life to death and treachery.

  No, who would have expected the friend he spoiled would sell his king’s life for a little sum of foreign money?

  Trumpets sound. Enter King Henry V, Scroop, Cambridge, Grey, and Attendants.

  King

  Now sits the wind fair, and we will aboard. My Lord of Cambridge, and my kind Lord of Masham, And you, my gentle knight, give me your thoughts. Think you not that the powers we bear with us Will cut their passage through the force of France, Doing the execution and the act For which we have in head assembled them?

  The winds are right for us to sail. My Lord of Cambridge, Lord of Masham, and my gentle knight, tell me what you think. Don’t you think the forces we have will be enough to cut through France and achieve our goal?

  Scroop

  No doubt, my liege, if each man do his best.

  No doubt, my liege, if every man does his best. />
  King

  I doubt not that, since we are well persuaded We carry not a heart with us from hence That grows not in a fair consent with ours, Nor leave not one behind that doth not wish Success and conquest to attend on us.