The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated)

by William Shakespeare

  Fluellen

  There is occasions and causes why and wherefore in all things. I will tell you asse my friend, Captain Gower. The rascally, scald, beggarly, lousy, pragging knave, Pistol, which you and yourself and all the world know to be no petter than a fellow, look you now, of no merits, he is come to me and prings me pread and salt yesterday, look you, and bid me eat my leek. It was in a place where I could not breed no contention with him; but I will be so bold as to wear it in my cap till I see him once again, and then I will tell him a little piece of my desires.

  There are reasons for everything. I tell you, Captain Gower, Pistol, that louse rascal, came to me yesterday and brought me bread and salt. He asked me to eat my leek. I was in no place for a fight so, I’m going to wear it in my cap until I see him again. Then, I’m going to give him a piece of my mind.

  Enter Pistol.

  Gower

  Why, here he comes, swelling like a turkey-cock.

  Well, here he comes, puffed up like a rooster.

  Fluellen

  'Tis no matter for his swellings nor his turkey-cocks. God pless you, Aunchient Pistol! you scurvy, lousy knave, God pless you!

  This is no matter for his puffiness or bird-like qualities. God bless you, Pistol, you scurvy, lousy man. God bless you!

  Pistol

  Ha! art thou bedlam? Dost thou thirst, base Troyan, To have me fold up Parca's fatal web? Hence! I am qualmish at the smell of leek.

  Ha! Are you crazy? Do you want to fight? Come on! I get sick at the smell of leek.

  Fluellen

  I peseech you heartily, scurfy, lousy knave, at my desires, and my requests, and my petitions, to eat, look you, this leek. Because, look you, you do not love it, nor your affections and your appetites and your digestions doo's not agree with it, I would desire you to eat it.

  I ask you to eat this leek, you rascal. If it makes you sick, I really want you to eat it.

  Pistol

  Not for Cadwallader and all his goats.

  Not for Cadwallader and all his goats.

  Fluellen

  There is one goat for you.

  Here is a goat for you.

  Strikes him.

  Will you be so good, scald knave, as eat it?

  Will you be so good as to eat it, you villain?

  Pistol

  Base Troyan, thou shalt die.

  You will die.

  Fluellen

  You say very true, scald knave, when God's will is. I will desire you to live in the mean time, and eat your victuals. Come, there is sauce for it.

  When it’s God’s will. In the meantime, I would like for you to live and eat your food. Come on, here’s some sauce for it.

  Strikes him.

  You call'd me yesterday mountain-squire; but I will make you to-day a squire of low degree. I pray you, fall to; if you can mock a leek, you can eat a leek.

  You called me out yesterday, but I will make you a lowly squire today. Now, if you can mock a leek, you can eat one.

  GOWER

  Enough, captain; you have astonish'd him.

  Fluellen

  I say, I will make him eat some part of my leek, or I will peat his pate four days. Bite, I pray you; it is good for your green wound and your ploody coxcomb.

  Go ahead and eat. Would you like some more sauce? There is not enough leek to swear by.

  Pistol

  Must I bite?

  Must I bite it?

  Fluellen

  Yes, certainly, and out of doubt and out of question too, and ambiguities.

  Without a doubt.

  Pistol

  By this leek, I will most horribly revenge. I eat and eat, I swear--

  I swear by this leek, I will get revenge. I swear as I eat it.

  Fluellen

  Eat, I pray you. Will you have some more sauce to your leek? There is not enough leek to swear by.

  Eat it all. Don’t throw any away. The skin is good for your broken head. Next time you see leeks, I dare you to mock at them. That’s all.

  Pistol

  Quiet thy cudgel; thou dost see I eat.

  Shut your mouth. I am eating it.

  Fluellen

  Much good do you, scald knave, heartily. Nay, pray you, throw none away; the skin is good for your broken coxcomb. When you take occasions to see leeks herefter, I pray you, mock at 'em; that is all.

  Pistol

  Good.

  Good.

  Fluellen

  Ay, leeks is good. Hold you, there is a groat to heal your pate.

  Yes, leeks are good. Here is some money to heal your wounds.

  Pistol

  Me a groat!

  Money, for me?

  Fluellen

  Yes, verily and in truth you shall take it; or I have another leek in my pocket, which you shall eat.

  Yes. Take it or I have another leek in my pocket for you to eat.

  Pistol

  I take thy groat in earnest of revenge.

  I’ll take your money as a reminder of revenge.

  Fluellen

  If I owe you anything I will pay you in cudgels. You shall be a woodmonger, and buy nothing of me but cudgels. God be wi' you, and keep you, and heal your pate.

  If I owe you anything, I’ll pay you in beatings. God be with you, keep you safe, and heal your head.

  Exit.

  Pistol

  All hell shall stir for this.

  All hell will break for this.

  Gower

  Go, go; you are a couterfeit cowardly knave. Will you mock at an ancient tradition, begun upon an honourable respect, and worn as a memorable trophy of predeceased valour, and dare not avouch in your deeds any of your words? I have seen you gleeking and galling at this gentleman twice or thrice. You thought, because he could not speak English in the native garb, he could not therefore handle an English cudgel. You find it otherwise; and henceforth let a Welsh correction teach you a good English condition. Fare ye well.

  Go on. You are a fake, cowardly villain. How dare you mock an ancient tradition steeped in honor, but not back it up with actions? I have seen you mocking this man more than once. You thought, because he could not speak English well, he couldn’t handle you. Let this be a lesson to you. Farewell.

  Exit.

  Pistol

  Doth Fortune play the huswife with me now? News have I, that my Doll is dead i' the spital Of malady of France; And there my rendezvous is quite cut off. Old I do wax; and from my weary limbs Honour is cudgell'd. Well, bawd I'll turn, And something lean to cutpurse of quick hand. To England will I steal, and there I'll steal; And patches will I get unto these cudgell'd scars, And swear I got them in the Gallia wars.

  Is Fortune is playing housewife with me? My Nell has died and she was my last hope. I am getting old and have nothing left. I will return to stealing and my former life. First, I’ll steal away to England, and steal some more when I get there. I’ll tell everyone these wounds are from the French wars.

  Exit.

  Enter, at one door King Henry, Exeter, Bedford, Gloucester, Warwick, Westmoreland, and other Lords; at another, the French King, Queen Isabel the Princess Katharine, Alice and other Ladies; the Duke of Burgundy and his train.

  King

  Peace to this meeting, wherefore we are met! Unto our brother France, and to our sister, Health and fair time of day; joy and good wishes To our most fair and princely cousin Katharine; And, as a branch and member of this royalty, By whom this great assembly is contriv'd, We do salute you, Duke of Burgundy; And, princes French, and peers, health to you all!

  May this meeting be peaceful. We wish health to our brother France and good wishes to our sister and Princess Katharine. We salute you, Duke of Burgundy, and wish good health to all the French princes and peers.

  French King

  Right joyous are we to behold your face, Most worthy brother England; fairly met! So are you, princes English, every one.

  We are happy to see you, most worthy brother England and noble English p
rinces.

  Queen Isabel

  So happy be the issue, brother England, Of this good day and of this gracious meeting As we are now glad to behold your eyes; Your eyes, which hitherto have borne in them Against the French that met them in their bent The fatal balls of murdering basilisks. The venom of such looks, we fairly hope, Have lost their quality; and that this day Shall change all griefs and quarrels into love.

  I salute you, English princes.

  Burgundy

  My duty to you both, on equal love, Great Kings of France and England! That I have labour'd, With all my wits, my pains, and strong endeavours, To bring your most imperial Majesties Unto this bar and royal interview, Your mightiness on both parts best can witness. Since then my office hath so far prevail'd That, face to face and royal eye to eye, You have congreeted, let it not disgrace me If I demand, before this royal view, What rub or what impediment there is, Why that the naked, poor, and mangled Peace, Dear nurse of arts, plenties, and joyful births, Should not in this best garden of the world, Our fertile France, put up her lovely visage? Alas, she hath from France too long been chas'd, And all her husbandry doth lie on heaps, Corrupting in it own fertility. Her vine, the merry cheerer of the heart, Unpruned dies; her hedges even-pleach'd, Like prisoners wildly overgrown with hair, Put forth disorder'd twigs; her fallow leas The darnel, hemlock, and rank fumitory, Doth root upon, while that the coulter rusts That should deracinate such savagery; The even mead, that erst brought sweetly forth The freckled cowslip, burnet, and green clover, Wanting the scythe, all uncorrected, rank, Conceives by idleness, and nothing teems But hateful docks, rough thistles, kexes, burs, Losing both beauty and utility; And as our vineyards, fallows, meads, and hedges, Defective in their natures, grow to wildness. Even so our houses and ourselves and children Have lost, or do not learn for want of time, The sciences that should become our country; But grow like savages,--as soldiers will That nothing do but meditate on blood,-- To swearing and stern looks, diffus'd attire, And everything that seems unnatural. Which to reduce into our former favour You are assembled; and my speech entreats That I may know the let, why gentle Peace Should not expel these inconveniences And bless us with her former qualities.

  I give my duty to both of you, great kings of France and England! I have worked with everything I am to bring your majesties to this meeting. Since I have accomplished my job, please allow me to ask for peace. Shouldn’t France have as much? She has been chased too long and her fertility compromised with disorder. Her once beautiful flowers are dead. Our children grow like soldiers, meditating on death. Everything is in total disarray; therefore, I must ask for peace, so we may return to our former state.

  King

  If, Duke of Burgundy, you would the peace, Whose want gives growth to the imperfections Which you have cited, you must buy that peace With full accord to all our just demands; Whose tenours and particular effects You have enschedul'd briefly in your hands.

  If you would like peace, whose absence has caused these imperfections, all you must do is agree to our just demands.

  Burgundy

  The King hath heard them; to the which as yet There is no answer made.

  The king has heard them, but he has yet to answer.

  King

  Well, then, the peace, Which you before so urg'd, lies in his answer.

  Well, peace lies in his answer.

  French King

  I have but with a cursorary eye O'erglanc'd the articles. Pleaseth your Grace To appoint some of your council presently To sit with us once more, with better heed To re-survey them, we will suddenly Pass our accept and peremptory answer.

  I have looked over them briefly. If it pleases your grace, I would like to appoint some of your councilmen here to sit with us and go over them again. Then, I will give my answer.

  King

  Brother, we shall. Go, uncle Exeter, And brother Clarence, and you, brother Gloucester, Warwick, and Huntington, go with the King; And take with you free power to ratify, Augment, or alter, as your wisdoms best Shall see advantageable for our dignity, Anything in or out of our demands, And we'll consign thereto. Will you, fair sister, Go with the princes, or stay here with us?

  We will, brother. Go with him, uncle Exeter, brother Clarence, brother Gloucester, Warwick and Huntingdon. You have free reign to accept or change the terms as you see fit. Will you, fair sister, go with the princes, or stay here with us?

  Queen Isabel

  Our gracious brother, I will go with them. Haply a woman's voice may do some good, When articles too nicely urg'd be stood on.

  Our gracious brother, I will go with them. A woman’s voice may do some good when they disagree.

  King

  Yet leave our cousin Katharine here with us: She is our capital demand, compris'd Within the fore-rank of our articles.

  Leave our cousin Katharine here with us. She is our main demand.

  Queen Isabel

  She hath good leave.

  She may stay.

  Exit all except Henry, Katharine, and Alice.

  King

  Fair Katharine, and most fair, Will you vouchsafe to teach a soldier terms Such as will enter at a lady's ear And plead his love-suit to her gentle heart?

  Fair Katharine, will you allow me to plead my love for you?

  Katharine

  Your Majesty shall mock me; I cannot speak your England.

  Your majesty, you mock me. I can’t speak English.

  King

  O fair Katharine, if you will love me soundly with your French heart, I will be glad to hear you confess it brokenly with your English tongue. Do you like me, Kate?

  If you love me, I don’t care if you speak English. Do you like me?

  Katharine

  Pardonnez-moi, I cannot tell wat is "like me."

  Pardon me, I don’t know the words “like me.”

  Henry

  An angel is like you, Kate, and you are like an angel.

  You are like an angel.

  Katharine

  Que dit-il? Que je suis semblable a les anges?

  What is he saying? I am an angel?

  Alice

  Oui, vraiment, sauf votre grace, ainsi dit-il.

  Yes, your grace, that’s what he said.

  King

  I said so, dear Katharine; and I must not blush to affirm it.

  I did, dear Katharine, and I am not ashamed to say it again.

  Katharine

  O bon Dieu! les langues des hommes sont pleines de tromperies.

  Oh, Lord! Men are such liars.

  King

  What says she, fair one? That the tongues of men are full of deceits?

  What did she say? Men are liars?

  Alice

  Oui, dat de tongues of de mans is be full of deceits: dat is de Princess.

  Yes, she said that the tongue of man is full of lies.

  King

  The Princess is the better Englishwoman. I' faith, Kate, my wooing is fit for thy understanding: I am glad thou canst speak no better English; for if thou couldst, thou wouldst find me such a plain king that thou wouldst think I had sold my farm to buy my crown. I know no ways to mince it in love, but directly to say, "I love you"; then if you urge me farther than to say, "Do you in faith?" I wear out my suit. Give me your answer; i' faith, do; and so clap hands and a bargain. How say you, lady?

  She sounds like an Englishwoman. I swear Kate, my love for you is not for you to understand. I am glad you can’t speak English better. If you could, you would see I’m just a plain king, and think I sold my farm to buy my crown. I am not educated in the ways of love. I am too direct in saying “I love you.” If I must I will swear it. Tell me what you think.

  Katharine

  Sauf votre honneur, me understand well.

  I think I understand.

  King

  Marry, if you would put me to verses, or to dance for your sake, Kate, why you undid me; for the one, I have neither words nor measure, and for the other I have no strength in
measure, yet a reasonable measure in strength. If I could win a lady at leap-frog, or by vaulting into my saddle with my armour on my back, under the correction of bragging be it spoken, I should quickly leap into a wife. Or if I might buffet for my love, or bound my horse for her favours, I could lay on like a butcher and sit like a jack-an-apes, never off. But, before God, Kate, I cannot look greenly, nor gasp out my eloquence, nor I have no cunning in protestation; only downright oaths, which I never use till urg'd, nor never break for urging. If thou canst love a fellow of this temper, Kate, whose face is not worth sunburning, that never looks in his glass for love of anything he sees there, let thine eye be thy cook. I speak to thee plain soldier. If thou canst love me for this, take me; if not, to say to thee that I shall die, is true; but for thy love, by the Lord, no; yet I love thee too. And while thou liv'st, dear Kate, take a fellow of plain and uncoined constancy; for he perforce must do thee right, because he hath not the gift to woo in other places; for these fellows of infinite tongue, that can rhyme themselves into ladies' favours, they do always reason themselves out again. What! a speaker is but a prater: a rhyme is but a ballad. A good leg will fall; a straight back will stoop; a black beard will turn white; a curl'd pate will grow bald; a fair face will wither; a full eye will wax hollow; but a good heart, Kate, is the sun and the moon; or rather the sun and not the moon; for it shines bright and never changes, but keeps his course truly. If thou would have such a one, take me; and take me, take a soldier; take a soldier, take a king. And what say'st thou then to my love? Speak, my fair, and fairly, I pray thee.