The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated)

by William Shakespeare

  But, lords, in all our bloody massacre,

  I muse we met not with the Dauphin's grace,

  His new-come champion, virtuous Joan of Arc,

  Nor any of his false confederates.

  Bring out the body of old Salisbury,

  bring him to the marketplace,

  the very centre of this cursed town.

  I have now kept my promise to his spirit;

  for every drop of blood he shed

  at least five Frenchmen died tonight.

  And so future generations can see

  what destruction there was for his revenge,

  I will build him a tomb

  inside their greatest church,

  and on it, for everyone to read,

  I shall have engraved the news of the sack of Orleans,

  the treacherous manner of his sad death,

  and the terror that he caused to France.

  But, lords, in all this bloody massacre,

  I'm thinking that we haven't yet come across the Dauphin's muse,

  his newly arrived champion, good Joan of Arc,

  or any of his false accomplices.

  BEDFORD.

  'Tis thought, Lord Talbot, when the fight began,

  Rous'd on the sudden from their drowsy beds,

  They did amongst the troops of armed men

  Leap o'er the walls for refuge in the field.

  Lord Talbot, it’s thought that when the fight began,

  having been started from their sleepy beds,

  they jumped over the walls with their soldiers,

  looking for safety in the field.

  BURGUNDY.

  Myself, as far as I could well discern

  For smoke and dusky vapors of the night,

  Am sure I scared the Dauphin and his trull,

  When arm in arm they both came swiftly running,

  Like to a pair of loving turtle-doves

  That could not live asunder day or night.

  After that things are set in order here,

  We'll follow them with all the power we have.

  As far as I could make out

  through the smoke and the dark of the night,

  I'm sure I frightened the Dauphin and his tart,

  when they came swiftly running arm in arm

  like a pair of loving turtledoves

  who can’t be separated day or night.

  After we get everything in order here,

  we'll follow them with all our forces.

  [Enter a Messenger.]

  MESSENGER.

  All hail, my lords! Which of this princely train

  Call ye the warlike Talbot, for his acts

  So much applauded through the realm of France?

  Greetings, my lords! Who of this princely group

  is the warlike Talbot, who is so applauded

  for his actions throughout France?

  TALBOT.

  Here is the Talbot: who would speak with him?

  I'm Talbot: who wants to speak to him?

  MESSENGER.

  The virtuous lady, Countess of Auvergne,

  With modesty admiring thy renown,

  By me entreats, great lord, thou wouldst vouchsafe

  To visit her poor castle where she lies,

  That she may boast she hath beheld the man

  Whose glory fills the world with loud report.

  The good lady, Countess of Auvergne,

  who has been modestly admiring your fame,

  begs you through me, great Lord, to agree

  to visit her poor castle where she is staying,

  so that she can boast that she has seen the man

  whose glory is so well spoken of throughout the world.

  BURGUNDY.

  Is it even so? Nay, then I see our wars

  Will turn into a peaceful comic sport,

  When ladies crave to be encount'red with.

  You may not, my lord, despise her gentle suit.

  Is that so? Well, I see that our wars

  will become a peaceful comic sport,

  with ladies desperate to meet us.

  My lord, you must not reject her polite request.

  TALBOT.

  Ne'er trust me then; for when a world of men

  Could not prevail with all their oratory,

  Yet hath a woman's kindness over-ruled:

  And therefore tell her I return great thanks,

  And in submission will attend on her.

  Will not your honors bear me company?

  You can trust me not to; when the whole world of men

  couldn't persuade with their speechmaking,

  a woman's politeness can still win:

  and so tell her I give my thanks,

  and I will humbly agree to visit her.

  Will your honours come with me?

  BEDFORD.

  No, truly; it is more than manners will:

  And I have heard it said, unbidden guests

  Are often welcomest when they are gone.

  Certainly not; that would be bad manners:

  I've heard it said that uninvited guests

  are often most welcome when they go.

  TALBOT.

  Well then, alone, since there 's no remedy,

  I mean to prove this lady's courtesy.

  Come hither, Captain. [Whispers] You perceive my mind?

  Well then I'll go alone, if there is no alternative,

  to test this lady's hospitality.

  Come here, captain. [Whispers] You know what I'm thinking?

  CAPTAIN.

  I do, my lord, and mean accordingly.

  I do, my lord, and I'll do as you say.

  [Exeunt.]

  [Enter the Countess and her Porter.]

  COUNTESS.

  Porter, remember what I gave in charge;

  And when you have done so, bring the keys to me.

  Porter, remember my orders;

  when you've carried them out, bring me the keys.

  PORTER.

  Madam, I will.

  I will, madam.

  [Exit.]

  COUNTESS.

  The plot is laid: if all things fall out right,

  I shall as famous be by this exploit

  As Scythian Tomyris by Cyrus' death.

  Great is the rumor of this dreadful knight,

  And his achievements of no less account:

  Fain would mine eyes be witness with mine ears,

  To give their censure of these rare reports.

  The plot is set: if everything works out,

  I shall be as famous for this exploit

  as the Scythian Tomyris was for Cyrus' death.

  This fearsome knight has a great reputation,

  and it is matched by his achievements:

  I want my eyes and ears to be witnesses,

  to give their judgement on these great reports.

  [Enter Messenger and Talbot.]

  MESSENGER.

  Madam,

  according as your ladyship desired,

  By message craved, so is Lord Talbot come.

  Madam,

  as your ladyship desired,

  as you asked in your message, Lord Talbot has come.

  COUNTESS.

  And he is welcome. What! is this the man?

  And he is welcome. What! Is this him?

  MESSENGER.

  Madam, it is.

  Madam, it is.

  COUNTESS.

  Is this the scourge of France?

  Is this the Talbot, so much fear'd abroad

  That with his name the mothers still their babes?

  I see report is fabulous and false:

  I thought I should have seen some Hercules,

  A second Hector, for his grim aspect,

  And large proportion of his strong-knit limbs.

  Alas, this is a child, a silly dwarf!

  It cannot be this weak and writhled shrimp

  Should strike such terror to his enemies. />
  Is this the one who has whipped France?

  Is this Talbot, who is so feared around the country

  that his mothers use his name to quiet their babies?

  I see the stories are mythical and false:

  I thought I would have seen some Hercules,

  a second Hector, in his stern looks,

  and his great muscular limbs.

  Alas, this is a child, a silly dwarf!

  This weak and wrinkled shrimp can't possibly

  strike such fear into his enemies.

  TALBOT.

  Madam, I have been bold to trouble you;

  But since your ladyship is not at leisure,

  I 'll sort some other time to visit you.

  Madam, I have been forward enough to bother you;

  but since you are not free at the moment,

  I'll come and see you some other time.

  COUNTESS.

  What means he now? Go ask him whither he goes.

  Now what's he mean? Asking where he's going.

  MESSENGER.

  Stay, my Lord Talbot; for my lady craves

  To know the cause of your abrupt departure.

  Wait, my Lord Talbot; my lady wants

  to know why you are leaving so suddenly.

  TALBOT.

  Marry, for that she's in a wrong belief,

  I go to certify her Talbot's here.

  Why, because she's completely wrong,

  I'm going to prove to her that Talbot is here.

  [Re-enter Porter with keys.]

  COUNTESS.

  If thou be he, then art thou prisoner.

  If you're him, then you are prisoner.

  TALBOT.

  Prisoner! to whom?

  Prisoner! Of whom?

  COUNTESS.

  To me, blood-thirsty lord;

  And for that cause I train'd thee to my house.

  Long time thy shadow hath been thrall to me,

  For in my gallery thy picture hangs:

  But now the substance shall endure the like,

  And I will chain these legs and arms of thine,

  That hast by tyranny these many years

  Wasted our country, slain our citizens,

  And sent our sons and husbands captivate.

  Of me, bloodthirsty lord;

  that was why I enticed you to my house.

  For a long time your image has been my slave,

  for I have your picture in my gallery:

  but now the real thing shall be the same,

  and I will chain those arms and legs of yours,

  that through your tyranny for many years

  have laid waste to our country, killed our citizens,

  and imprisoned our sons and husbands.

  TALBOT.

  Ha, ha, ha!

  Ha, ha, ha!

  COUNTESS.

  Laughest thou, wretch? Thy mirth shall turn to moan.

  Are you laughing, wretch? Your laughter shall turn to moaning.

  TALBOT.

  I laugh to see your ladyship so fond

  To think that you have aught but Talbot's shadow

  Whereon to practice your severity.

  I'm laughing to see that your ladyship is so foolish

  that you think you have anything apart from Talbot's image

  on which you can practice your punishments.

  COUNTESS.

  Why, art not thou the man?

  Why, aren't you the man?

  TALBOT.

  I am indeed.

  I certainly am.

  COUNTESS.

  Then have I substance too.

  Then I have the real thing too.

  TALBOT.

  No, no, I am but shadow of myself:

  You are deceived, my substance is not here;

  For what you see is but the smallest part

  And least proportion of humanity:

  I tell you, madam, were the whole frame here,

  It is of such a spacious lofty pitch,

  Your roof were not sufficient to contain 't.

  No, no, I am just a shadow of myself:

  you are mistaken you're not seeing the real thing;

  what you can see is just the smallest part,

  with the least humanity in it:

  I tell you, madam, if the whole of me were here,

  it is so enormous

  your roof wouldn't be able to hold it.

  COUNTESS.

  This is a riddling merchant for the nonce;

  He will be here, and yet he is not here:

  How can these contrarieties agree?

  You are talking in riddles;

  you are here, but you're not here:

  how can those two opposites make sense?

  TALBOT.

  That will I show you presently.

  [Winds his horn. Drums strike up: a peal of ordnance. Enter

  Soldiers.]

  How say you, madam? are you now persuaded

  That Talbot is but shadow of himself?

  These are his substance, sinews, arms and strength,

  With which he yoketh your rebellious necks,

  Razeth your cities and subverts your towns,

  And in a moment makes them desolate.

  I'll show you that now.

  What do you say, madam? Do you now believe

  that Talbot is just a shadow of himself?

  These are my body, muscles, arms and strength,

  with which I have been chaining your rebellious necks,

  destroying your cities and towns,

  making them desolate in an instant.

  COUNTESS.

  Victorious Talbot! pardon my abuse:

  I find thou art no less than fame hath bruited,

  And more than may be gather'd by thy shape.

  Let my presumption not provoke thy wrath;

  For I am sorry that with reverence

  I did not entertain thee as thou art.

  Victorious Talbot! Excuse my ill-treatment:

  I find you are just as great as your reputation,

  and that there's more to you than meets the eye.

  Don't let my assumptions make you angry;

  I'm sorry that I didn't show you the respect

  of treating you as the person you are.

  TALBOT.

  Be not dismay'd, fair lady; nor misconstrue

  The mind of Talbot, as you did mistake

  The outward composition of his body.

  What you have done hath not offended me;

  Nor other satisfaction do I crave,

  But only, with your patience, that we may

  Taste of your wine and see what cates you have;

  For soldiers' stomachs always serve them well.

  Don't worry about it, fair lady; and don't misunderstand

  the mind of Talbot, as you mistook

  the way his body was made.

  What you have done has not offended me;

  I don't want any recompense,

  except that, with your permission, we should like

  to taste your wine and try your food;

  soldiers are always hungry.

  COUNTESS.

  With all my heart, and think me honored

  To feast so great a warrior in my house.

  Certainly, and I would count it an honour

  to feed such a great warrior in my house.

  [Exeunt.]

  [Enter the Earls of Somerset, Suffolk, and Warwick;

  Richard Plantagenet, Vernon, and another Lawyer.]

  PLANTAGENET.

  Great lords and gentlemen,

  what means this silence?

  Dare no man answer in a case of truth?

  Great lords and gentlemen,

  why are you silent?

  Can nobody give us the truth?

  SUFFOLK.

  Within the Temple-hall we were too loud;

  The garden here is more convenient.

  We were too noisy in the Temple Hall;
<
br />   this garden is more suitable.

  PLANTAGENET.

  Then say at once if I maintain'd the truth;

  Or else was wrangling Somerset in the error?

  Them say at once if what I said was true,

  or was the argumentative Somerset wrong?

  SUFFOLK.

  Faith, I have been a truant in the law,

  And never yet could frame my will to it;

  And therefore frame the law unto my will.

  I swear, I have been lax in learning the law,

  I can never really understand it,

  and therefore I can't make it do what I want.

  SOMERSET.

  Judge you, my Lord of Warwick, then, between us.

  Then you judge, Lord Warwick, between us.

  WARWICK.

  Between two hawks, which flies the higher pitch;

  Between two dogs, which hath the deeper mouth;

  Between two blades, which bears the better temper:

  Between two horses, which doth bear him best;

  Between two girls, which hath the merriest eye;

  I have perhaps some shallow spirit of judgment:

  But in these nice sharp quillets of the law,

  Good faith, I am no wiser than a daw.

  I can probably judge

  between two hawks, which one can fly higher;

  between two dogs, which has the bigger mouth;

  between two swords, which one is better made:

  between two horses, which one will be the best ride;

  between two girls, who has the sauciest look;

  but in these subtle distinctions of legal language