The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated)
Page 204
PAROLLES
My lord, you do me most insupportable vexation.
My lord, you are being a great pain.
LAFEU
I would it were hell-pains for thy sake, and my poor
doing eternal: for doing I am past: as I will by
thee, in what motion age will give me leave.
Exit
I wish for your sake they were the pains of hell, and
that my poor efforts would last forever: I am beyond action,
and I will be beyond you, with whatever speed my age has left me.
PAROLLES
Well, thou hast a son shall take this disgrace off
me; scurvy, old, filthy, scurvy lord! Well, I must
be patient; there is no fettering of authority.
I'll beat him, by my life, if I can meet him with
any convenience, an he were double and double a
lord. I'll have no more pity of his age than I
would of--I'll beat him, an if I could but meet him again.
Re-enter LAFEU
Well, if you have a son I'll challenge him instead;
vile, old, filthy, vile lord! Well, I must
be patient; I will have my rights.
I'll beat him, I swear, if I can get him
in a convenient place, if he were a lord four times over.
I'll have no more pity for his age than I would
for–I'll beat him, if I could just see him again.
LAFEU
Sirrah, your lord and master's married; there's news
for you: you have a new mistress.
Sir, your lord and master is married; there's some news
for you: you have a new mistress.
PAROLLES
I most unfeignedly beseech your lordship to make
some reservation of your wrongs: he is my good
lord: whom I serve above is my master.
I must openly ask your lordship to correct
what you have just said: he is my good
lord: the one above, whom I serve, is my master.
LAFEU
Who? God?
Who? God?
PAROLLES
Ay, sir.
Yes, sir.
LAFEU
The devil it is that's thy master. Why dost thou
garter up thy arms o' this fashion? dost make hose of
sleeves? do other servants so? Thou wert best set
thy lower part where thy nose stands. By mine
honour, if I were but two hours younger, I'ld beat
thee: methinks, thou art a general offence, and
every man should beat thee: I think thou wast
created for men to breathe themselves upon thee.
It's the devil who is your master. Why do you
gather up your sleeves in this way? Do you
have stockings for sleeves? Do other servants? You would be best
knocked head over heels. On my word, if I were just two hours younger,
I would beat you: I think you are a public nuisance, and
every man should beat you: I think you were
created for men to use you as a punchbag.
PAROLLES
This is hard and undeserved measure, my lord.
These are harsh words, my lord, and undeserved.
LAFEU
Go to, sir; you were beaten in Italy for picking a
kernel out of a pomegranate; you are a vagabond and
no true traveller: you are more saucy with lords
and honourable personages than the commission of your
birth and virtue gives you heraldry. You are not
worth another word, else I'ld call you knave. I leave you.
Get lost, sir; you were beaten in Italy for stealing
pomegranate seeds; you are a tramp, not
a true traveller: you are more cheeky with lords
and noble men than the position of your birth
gives you any right to be. You are not
worth another word, if you were I'd call you a knave. I leave you.
Exit
PAROLLES
Good, very good; it is so then: good, very good;
let it be concealed awhile.
Re-enter BERTRAM
Good, very good; that's the way it is: good, very good;
we'll let it lie a while.
BERTRAM
Undone, and forfeited to cares for ever!
Ruined, condemned to misery forever!
PAROLLES
What's the matter, sweet-heart?
What's the matter, dear boy?
BERTRAM
Although before the solemn priest I have sworn,
I will not bed her.
Although I have made my promise before the solemn priest,
I won't sleep with her.
PAROLLES
What, what, sweet-heart?
What's all this, dear boy?
BERTRAM
O my Parolles, they have married me!
I'll to the Tuscan wars, and never bed her.
Oh my dear Parolles, they have married me!
I'll go to the war in Tuscany, and never sleep with her.
PAROLLES
France is a dog-hole, and it no more merits
The tread of a man's foot: to the wars!
France is a pit, and it's not worth
staying in: let's go to the war!
BERTRAM
There's letters from my mother: what the import is,
I know not yet.
Here are letters from my mother: what she has to say
I don't yet know.
PAROLLES
Ay, that would be known. To the wars, my boy, to the wars!
He wears his honour in a box unseen,
That hugs his kicky-wicky here at home,
Spending his manly marrow in her arms,
Which should sustain the bound and high curvet
Of Mars's fiery steed. To other regions
France is a stable; we that dwell in't jades;
Therefore, to the war!
Yes, we'll find out. To the war, my boy, to the war!
A man cannot show his honor
who sits at home cuddling his mistress,
wasting his manly essence in her arms,
which he should be using to urge on
the fiery horse of Mars. Compared to other regions
France is a stable; we who stay here are useless nags;
so, let's go to the war!
BERTRAM
It shall be so: I'll send her to my house,
Acquaint my mother with my hate to her,
And wherefore I am fled; write to the king
That which I durst not speak; his present gift
Shall furnish me to those Italian fields,
Where noble fellows strike: war is no strife
To the dark house and the detested wife.
That's what we'll do: I'll send her to my house,
let my mother know how much I hate her,
and where I have run to; I will write to the King
the things I do not say to him; this gift of his
we'll send me to those Italian fields
where noble fellows battle: war is nothing
compared to a joyless house and a hated wife.
PAROLLES
Will this capriccio hold in thee? art sure?
Will you stick to this? Are you certain?
BERTRAM
Go with me to my chamber, and advise me.
I'll send her straight away: to-morrow
I'll to the wars, she to her single sorrow.
Come to my room with me and advise me.
I'll send her away at once: tomorrow
I'll go to the war, and she can go to her spinsterhood.
PAROLLES
Why, these balls bound; there's noise in it. 'Tis hard:
A young man married is a man that's marr'd:
Therefore away, and l
eave her bravely; go:
The king has done you wrong: but, hush, 'tis so.
Exeunt
Why, these balls bounce; there is substance in it. It's a hard thing:
a young man who is married is a man who is spoilt:
so get going, have the courage to leave her; go:
the King has done you wrong: that's a fact.
Enter HELENA and Clown
HELENA
My mother greets me kindly; is she well?
My mother sends me kind greetings; is she well?
Clown
She is not well; but yet she has her health: she's
very merry; but yet she is not well: but thanks be
given, she's very well and wants nothing i', the
world; but yet she is not well.
She is not well; but she's healthy: she's
very happy; but she's not well: but thank
goodness she's very well and wants for nothing;
however she is not well.
HELENA
If she be very well, what does she ail, that she's
not very well?
If she's very well, what's wrong with her, that makes
her not well?
Clown
Truly, she's very well indeed, but for two things.
She is really very well indeed, except for two things.
HELENA
What two things?
What two things?
Clown
One, that she's not in heaven, whither God send her
quickly! the other that she's in earth, from whence
God send her quickly!
One, that she's not in heaven, may God send her there
quickly! The other is that she is on earth, may God
send her from here quickly!
Enter PAROLLES
PAROLLES
Bless you, my fortunate lady!
Bless you, lucky lady!
HELENA
I hope, sir, I have your good will to have mine own
good fortunes.
I hope, Sir, that you are happy for me to be lucky.
PAROLLES
You had my prayers to lead them on; and to keep them
on, have them still. O, my knave, how does my old lady?
I prayed for you to be lucky, and now I pray
for you to stay lucky. Oh, knave, how is my former lady?
Clown
So that you had her wrinkles and I her money,
I would she did as you say.
If you could have her wrinkles and I could have her money
I'd like her to be as you said.
PAROLLES
Why, I say nothing.
But I said nothing.
Clown
Marry, you are the wiser man; for many a man's
tongue shakes out his master's undoing: to say
nothing, to do nothing, to know nothing, and to have
nothing, is to be a great part of your title; which
is within a very little of nothing.
That makes you a wise man; many men's
tongues are the downfall of their masters: to say
nothing, to do nothing, to know nothing, and to have
nothing, is a very important part of your position; which
basically amounts to nothing.
PAROLLES
Away! thou'rt a knave.
Get lost! You're a knave.
Clown
You should have said, sir, before a knave thou'rt a
knave; that's, before me thou'rt a knave: this had
been truth, sir.
You should have said, sir, that before a knave you are
a knave; meaning, you were a knave before I was:
that would be the truth, sir.
PAROLLES
Go to, thou art a witty fool; I have found thee.
Get away, you are a witty fool; I know your sort.
Clown
Did you find me in yourself, sir? or were you
taught to find me? The search, sir, was profitable;
and much fool may you find in you, even to the
world's pleasure and the increase of laughter.
Do you see me in yourself, sir? Or were you
taught to be like me? It was a successful lesson, sir;
and may you find much of the fool in you, for the
world's pleasure and more laughter.
PAROLLES
A good knave, i' faith, and well fed.
Madam, my lord will go away to-night;
A very serious business calls on him.
The great prerogative and rite of love,
Which, as your due, time claims, he does acknowledge;
But puts it off to a compell'd restraint;
Whose want, and whose delay, is strew'd with sweets,
Which they distil now in the curbed time,
To make the coming hour o'erflow with joy
And pleasure drown the brim.
I must say this is a good knave, well fed too.
Madam, my lord must go away tonight;
he has some very serious business to attend to.
He knows that you have a right to the
full rights of marriage;
but he has been forced to put it off;
but the delay will make it all the sweeter,
the pleasures will be refined in the extra time,
so that when the hour comes your cup
will overflow with joy.
HELENA
What's his will else?
What else does he want?
PAROLLES
That you will take your instant leave o' the king
And make this haste as your own good proceeding,
Strengthen'd with what apology you think
May make it probable need.
That you will leave the King at once
and get away as quickly as possible,
giving whatever apology you think
is appropriate.
HELENA
What more commands he?
What else does he order?
PAROLLES
That, having this obtain'd, you presently
Attend his further pleasure.
That once you have permission to go
you wait for his further orders.
HELENA
In every thing I wait upon his will.
I wait for his commands in everything.
PAROLLES
I shall report it so.
I will tell him this.
HELENA
I pray you.
Please do.
Exit PAROLLES
Come, sirrah.
Come on sir.
Exeunt
Enter LAFEU and BERTRAM
LAFEU
But I hope your lordship thinks not him a soldier.
But I hope your lordship does not think he is a soldier.
BERTRAM
Yes, my lord, and of very valiant approof.
He is, my lord, and one who has proved very brave.
LAFEU
You have it from his own deliverance.
He told you this himself.
BERTRAM
And by other warranted testimony.
And I've heard from other sources.
LAFEU
Then my dial goes not true: I took this lark for a bunting.
Then my instincts were off: I thought this lark was a bunting.
BERTRAM
I do assure you, my lord, he is very great in
knowledge and accordingly valiant.
I can promise you, my lord, he is
very wise and his bravery matches it.
LAFEU
I have then sinned against his experience and
transgressed against his valour; and my state that
way is dangerous, since I cannot yet find in my
heart to repent. Here he comes: I pray you, make
us friends; I will pursue the amit
y.
Then I have been unfair to his experience
and wronged his bravery; and that makes
my position perilous, since I can't find it
in myself to apologise. Here he comes: please,
make us friends; I'll do my part.
Enter PAROLLES
PAROLLES
[To BERTRAM] These things shall be done, sir.
These things shall be done, sir.
LAFEU
Pray you, sir, who's his tailor?
Now tell me sir, who's his tailor?
PAROLLES
Sir?
Sir?
LAFEU
O, I know him well, I, sir; he, sir, 's a good
workman, a very good tailor.
Oh, I know him well, sir; he's a good
workman, sir, a very good tailor.
BERTRAM
[Aside to PAROLLES] Is she gone to the king?
Has she gone to the King?
PAROLLES
She is.
She has.
BERTRAM
Will she away to-night?