The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated)

by William Shakespeare

  My good lord,

  ask him to swear on oath that he

  did not take my virginity.

  KING

  What say'st thou to her?

  What have you got to say to her?

  BERTRAM

  She's impudent, my lord,

  And was a common gamester to the camp.

  She's cheeky, my lord,

  and had plenty of men in the camp.

  DIANA

  He does me wrong, my lord; if I were so,

  He might have bought me at a common price:

  Do not believe him. O, behold this ring,

  Whose high respect and rich validity

  Did lack a parallel; yet for all that

  He gave it to a commoner o' the camp,

  If I be one.

  He does me wrong, my lord; if I was like that

  he could have bought me a low price:

  do not believe him. Look at this ring,

  which cannot be matched for richness

  and craftsmanship; and yet he says

  he gave it to a cheap whore in the camp,

  if I am one.

  COUNTESS

  He blushes, and 'tis hit:

  Of six preceding ancestors, that gem,

  Conferr'd by testament to the sequent issue,

  Hath it been owed and worn. This is his wife;

  That ring's a thousand proofs.

  He blushes, that hit home:

  Six of his forebears

  have owned and worn that ring,

  handing it down in their wills. This is his wife;

  that ring proves it a thousand times over.

  KING

  Methought you said

  You saw one here in court could witness it.

  I thought you said

  that someone here in the court could testify for you.

  DIANA

  I did, my lord, but loath am to produce

  So bad an instrument: his name's Parolles.

  I did, my lord, but I hate having to use

  such a bad tool; his name is Parolles.

  LAFEU

  I saw the man to-day, if man he be.

  I saw the man today, if he is a man.

  KING

  Find him, and bring him hither.

  Find him and bring him here.

  Exit an Attendant

  BERTRAM

  What of him?

  He's quoted for a most perfidious slave,

  With all the spots o' the world tax'd and debosh'd;

  Whose nature sickens but to speak a truth.

  Am I or that or this for what he'll utter,

  That will speak any thing?

  You're going to believe him?

  He's known as a treacherous slave,

  who is accused of all the debauched sins of the world:

  it would kill him to tell the truth.

  It is my fate going to be decided on the evidence

  of a man who will say anything?

  KING

  She hath that ring of yours.

  She has your ring.

  BERTRAM

  I think she has: certain it is I liked her,

  And boarded her i' the wanton way of youth:

  She knew her distance and did angle for me,

  Madding my eagerness with her restraint,

  As all impediments in fancy's course

  Are motives of more fancy; and, in fine,

  Her infinite cunning, with her modern grace,

  Subdued me to her rate: she got the ring;

  And I had that which any inferior might

  At market-price have bought.

  I think she has: I certainly liked her,

  and slept with her as a reckless youth will:

  she knew her game and made a play for me,

  leading me on by pretending to be modest,

  as the harder it is to get something

  the more one wants it; and, to sum up,

  her great cunning, with her commonplace beauty,

  made me pay her price: she got the ring;

  and I got what any lowlife might

  have got at the standard rate.

  DIANA

  I must be patient:

  You, that have turn'd off a first so noble wife,

  May justly diet me. I pray you yet;

  Since you lack virtue, I will lose a husband;

  Send for your ring, I will return it home,

  And give me mine again.

  I must be patient:

  you, who rejected such a noble first wife,

  are also cutting me off. But please;

  since you lack virtue, I'll give you up as a husband;

  send for your ring, I'll send it back,

  and you give me back mine.

  BERTRAM

  I have it not.

  I haven't got it.

  KING

  What ring was yours, I pray you?

  What was your ring, may I ask?

  DIANA

  Sir, much like

  The same upon your finger.

  Sir, it was very like

  the one on your finger.

  KING

  Know you this ring? this ring was his of late.

  Do you know this ring? It used to belong to him until recently.

  DIANA

  And this was it I gave him, being abed.

  This was the one that I gave him in bed.

  KING

  The story then goes false, you threw it him

  Out of a casement.

  Then it's not true that you threw it down to him

  from a window.

  DIANA

  I have spoke the truth.

  I have told the truth.

  Enter PAROLLES

  BERTRAM

  My lord, I do confess the ring was hers.

  My lord, I admit the ring was hers.

  KING

  You boggle shrewdly, every feather stars you.

  Is this the man you speak of?

  You're a bit skittish, you jump at shadows.

  Is this the man you spoke of?

  DIANA

  Ay, my lord.

  Yes, my lord.

  KING

  Tell me, sirrah, but tell me true, I charge you,

  Not fearing the displeasure of your master,

  Which on your just proceeding I'll keep off,

  By him and by this woman here what know you?

  Tell me, sir, and I order you to tell me the truth,

  without worrying about punishment from your master,

  which I'll protect you from if you're honest,

  what do you know about his relationship with this woman?

  PAROLLES

  So please your majesty, my master hath been an

  honourable gentleman: tricks he hath had in him,

  which gentlemen have.

  If it pleases your Majesty, my master has been

  an honourable gentleman: he's got up to some tricks,

  as gentlemen will.

  KING

  Come, come, to the purpose: did he love this woman?

  Come on, get to the point: did he love this woman?

  PAROLLES

  Faith, sir, he did love her; but how?

  Well yes sir, he did love her; but how did he?

  KING

  How, I pray you?

  Well you tell me.

  PAROLLES

  He did love her, sir, as a gentleman loves a woman.

  He loved her, sir, as a gentleman loves a woman.

  KING

  How is that?

  And in what way is that?

  PAROLLES

  He loved her, sir, and loved her not.

  He loved her, sir, and didn't love her.

  KING

  As thou art a knave, and no knave. What an

  equivocal companion is this!

  And you're a knave, and not a knave. What a

  double speaking chap you are!

  PAROLLES


  I am a poor man, and at your majesty's command.

  I am a poor man, and at your Majesty's orders.

  LAFEU

  He's a good drum, my lord, but a naughty orator.

  He makes a lot of noise, my lord, but not so much sense.

  DIANA

  Do you know he promised me marriage?

  Do you know he promised to marry me?

  PAROLLES

  Faith, I know more than I'll speak.

  Well, I know more than I'll tell.

  KING

  But wilt thou not speak all thou knowest?

  Won't you tell everything you know?

  PAROLLES

  Yes, so please your majesty. I did go between them,

  as I said; but more than that, he loved her: for

  indeed he was mad for her, and talked of Satan and

  of Limbo and of Furies and I know not what: yet I

  was in that credit with them at that time that I

  knew of their going to bed, and of other motions,

  as promising her marriage, and things which would

  derive me ill will to speak of; therefore I will not

  speak what I know.

  Yes, as your Majesty pleases, I was their go-between,

  as I said; but more than that, he loved her: in fact

  he was mad for her, and talked of Satan and

  Limbo and Furies and goodness knows what: but I

  was close enough to them at the time that I

  knew about them sleeping together, and other offers,

  which amounted to a marriage proposal, and there are other things

  which I would get disapproved of if I spoke about them; so I will not

  say what I know.

  KING

  Thou hast spoken all already, unless thou canst say

  they are married: but thou art too fine in thy

  evidence; therefore stand aside.

  This ring, you say, was yours?

  You said it all already, unless you can say

  that they are now married: but your evidence

  is too devious; so step aside.

  You say this ring was yours?

  DIANA

  Ay, my good lord.

  Yes, my good lord.

  KING

  Where did you buy it? or who gave it you?

  Where did you buy it? Or who gave it to you?

  DIANA

  It was not given me, nor I did not buy it.

  It was not given to me, nor did I buy it.

  KING

  Who lent it you?

  Who lent it to you?

  DIANA

  It was not lent me neither.

  It wasn't lent to me either.

  KING

  Where did you find it, then?

  Where did you find it then?

  DIANA

  I found it not.

  I didn't find it.

  KING

  If it were yours by none of all these ways,

  How could you give it him?

  If you didn't come by it in any of these ways,

  how could you give it to him?

  DIANA

  I never gave it him.

  I never gave it to him.

  LAFEU

  This woman's an easy glove, my lord; she goes off

  and on at pleasure.

  This woman is like a loose glove, my lord; very

  easy to change.

  KING

  This ring was mine; I gave it his first wife.

  This ring used to belong to me; I gave it to his first wife.

  DIANA

  It might be yours or hers, for aught I know.

  It might be yours or hers, for all I know.

  KING

  Take her away; I do not like her now;

  To prison with her: and away with him.

  Unless thou tell'st me where thou hadst this ring,

  Thou diest within this hour.

  Take her away; I've had enough of her.

  Put her in prison, and take him away too.

  Unless you tell me where you got this ring from

  you'll be dead within the hour.

  DIANA

  I'll never tell you.

  I'll never tell you.

  KING

  Take her away.

  Take her away.

  DIANA

  I'll put in bail, my liege.

  I'll apply for bail, my lord.

  KING

  I think thee now some common customer.

  I now think you're a common prostitute.

  DIANA

  By Jove, if ever I knew man, 'twas you.

  I'm just as likely to have slept with you as with any other man.

  KING

  Wherefore hast thou accused him all this while?

  Then why have you accused him all this time?

  DIANA

  Because he's guilty, and he is not guilty:

  He knows I am no maid, and he'll swear to't;

  I'll swear I am a maid, and he knows not.

  Great king, I am no strumpet, by my life;

  I am either maid, or else this old man's wife.

  Because he's guilty, and he is not guilty:

  he knows I'm not a virgin, and he'll swear to it;

  I'll swear I am a virgin, and he doesn't know it.

  Great King, I am no tart, I swear;

  I am either a virgin or I'm married to this old man.

  KING

  She does abuse our ears: to prison with her.

  She's messing us about: sling her in jail.

  DIANA

  Good mother, fetch my bail. Stay, royal sir:

  Exit Widow

  The jeweller that owes the ring is sent for,

  And he shall surety me. But for this lord,

  Who hath abused me, as he knows himself,

  Though yet he never harm'd me, here I quit him:

  He knows himself my bed he hath defiled;

  And at that time he got his wife with child:

  Dead though she be, she feels her young one kick:

  So there's my riddle: one that's dead is quick:

  And now behold the meaning.

  Good mother, fetch my bondsman. Wait, your Majesty:

  The jeweler that owns the ring has been sent for,

  and he will surely acquit me. As for this Lord,

  who has abused me, as he himself knows,

  though he has never harmed me, I acquit him:

  he knows that he has defiled my bed,

  and at that time he got his wife pregnant.

  Although she's dead, she can feel her baby kick:

  there's my riddle: someone who is dead is alive:

  and now see the solution.

  Re-enter Widow, with HELENA

  KING

  Is there no exorcist

  Beguiles the truer office of mine eyes?

  Is't real that I see?

  Is there a wizard

  who has tricked my eyes?

  Is this real?

  HELENA

  No, my good lord;

  'Tis but the shadow of a wife you see,

  The name and not the thing.

  No, my good lord;

  you see just the shadow of a wife,

  in name and not in fact.

  BERTRAM

  Both, both. O, pardon!

  You are both, both. Forgive me!

  HELENA

  O my good lord, when I was like this maid,

  I found you wondrous kind. There is your ring;

  And, look you, here's your letter; this it says:

  'When from my finger you can get this ring

  And are by me with child,' & c. This is done:

  Will you be mine, now you are doubly won?

  My good lord, when you thought I was this girl

  you were very kind to me. There's your ring;

  and look, here's your letter; it says this:

  ‘When you get this ring off my finger

&nb
sp; and are pregnant by me,’ etc. This has been done:

  Will you be mine, now I've won you twice?

  BERTRAM

  If she, my liege, can make me know this clearly,

  I'll love her dearly, ever, ever dearly.

  My lord, if she can explain this to me,

  I will love her dearly for ever.

  HELENA

  If it appear not plain and prove untrue,

  Deadly divorce step between me and you!

  O my dear mother, do I see you living?

  If you can't understand and it's not true

  then may we get divorced!

  Oh my dear mother, are you alive?

  LAFEU

  Mine eyes smell onions; I shall weep anon:

  To PAROLLES

  Good Tom Drum, lend me a handkercher: so,

  I thank thee: wait on me home, I'll make sport with thee:

  Let thy courtesies alone, they are scurvy ones.

  My eyes feel like I've been chopping onions; I shall cry soon:

  Good Tom Drum, lend me a handkerchief: good,