The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated)

by William Shakespeare

  Have chosen to be the judge of their mutiny:This child of fancy, that Armado hight,

  This child of fancy called Armado,For interim to our studies shall relate

  In the meantime during our studies will tell usIn high-born words the worth of many a knight

  In eloquent words the worth of many a knightFrom tawny Spain lost in the world's debate.

  From tan-colored Spain that were killed in the world’s wars.How you delight, my lords, I know not, I;

  I don’t know how much he will delight you;But, I protest, I love to hear him lie

  But I must say that I love to hear him lie

  And I will use him for my minstrelsy.

  And I will use him for my troupe of entertainers.BIRON Armado is a most illustrious wight,

  Armado is a very famous creature,A man of fire-new words, fashion's own knight.

  A man with new words like fire, a knight of making shapes and forms.LONGAVILLE Costard the swain and he shall be our sport;

  The young man Costard and he will entertain us;And so to study, three years is but short.

  And so let’s get to studying, three years is a short time.Enter DULL with a letter, and COSTARDDULL Which is the duke's own person?

  Which one of you is the duke’s person?BIRON This, fellow: what wouldst?

  That’s me: what do you want?DULL I myself reprehend his own person, for I am his

  I myself am above his person, since I amgrace's tharborough: but I would see his own person

  The King’s officer: but I must see the duke himself,in flesh and blood.

  His own flesh and blood.BIRON This is he.

  I am the duke.DULL Signior Arme--Arme--commends you. There's villany

  Mister Arme—Arme—writes to you. There’s foul workabroad: this letter will tell you more.

  abroad: this letter will tell you more.

  COSTARD Sir, the contempts thereof are as touching me.

  Sir, the contemptuous things it mentions are regarding me.FERDINAND A letter from the magnificent Armado.

  A letter from the magnificent Armado.BIRON How low soever the matter, I hope in God for high words.

  However bad the matter is, I hope to God for good words.LONGAVILLE A high hope for a low heaven: God grant us patience!

  A high hope for a low heaven: God grant us patience!BIRON To hear? or forbear laughing?

  To hear the letter? or to keep from laughing?LONGAVILLE To hear meekly, sir, and to laugh moderately; or to

  To hear submissively, sir, and to laugh in moderation; or toforbear both.

  Do neither.BIRON Well, sir, be it as the style shall give us cause to

  Well, sir, hopefully the manner of it will give us cause toclimb in the merriness.

  Be more cheerful.COSTARD The matter is to me, sir, as concerning Jaquenetta.

  The matter is about me sir, concerning Jaquenetta,The manner of it is, I was taken with the manner.

  The manner of it is that I was taken with the manner.BIRON In what manner?

  In what manner?COSTARD In manner and form following, sir; all those three:

  In manner and form following, sir; all those three:

  I was seen with her in the manor-house, sitting with

  I was seen with her in the manor-house, sitting withher upon the form, and taken following her into the

  Her on the frame, and taken when I was following her into thepark; which, put together, is in manner and form

  park; which put together is in the manner and formfollowing. Now, sir, for the manner,--it is the

  following. Now, sir, for the manner,-- it is the manner of a man to speak to a woman: for the form,--

  nature of a man to speak to a woman: now for the form,--in some form.

  In some form.BIRON For the following, sir?

  And what about the following?COSTARD As it shall follow in my correction: and God defend

  It will follow that I will be corrected: and God defendthe right!

  The right!FERDINAND Will you hear this letter with attention?

  Will you hear this letter with consideration?BIRON As we would hear an oracle.

  Like we would hear an oracle.COSTARD Such is the simplicity of man to hearken after the flesh.

  Such is the simplicity of a man following his desires of the flesh.FERDINAND [Reads] 'Great deputy, the welkin's vicegerent and

  [Reads] ‘Great deputy, Heaven’s agent andsole dominator of Navarre, my soul's earth's god,

  sole dominator of Navarre, the god of my soul’s earth,and body's fostering patron.'

  And the one who guards and fosters my body.’

  COSTARD Not a word of Costard yet.

  He hasn’t even mentioned me yet.FERDINAND [Reads] 'So it is,'—

  [Reads] 'So it is,'—COSTARD It may be so: but if he say it is so, he is, in

  It may be so: but if he says it’s so, then he is,telling true, but so.

  Truly, only so.FERDINAND Peace!

  Peace!COSTARD Be to me and every man that dares not fight!

  Peace to me and every man that doesn’t dare fight!FERDINAND No words!

  I mean no more words!COSTARD Of other men's secrets, I beseech you.

  Yes, no more words of other men’s secrets, I beg you.FERDINAND [Reads] 'So it is, besieged with sable-coloured

  [Reads] ‘So it is, taken with a dark coloredmelancholy, I did commend the black-oppressing humour

  melancholy, I tried to get rid of the depressing moodto the most wholesome physic of thy health-giving

  by going to the wholesome doctor that is the health-givingair; and, as I am a gentleman, betook myself to

  air; and since I’m a gentleman, to myself on a walk. The time when. About the sixth hour; when

  walk. The time went by. At about six; whenbeasts most graze, birds best peck, and men sit down

  the animals graze the most, birds peck the most, and men sit downto that nourishment which is called supper: so much

  to have that nourishment which is called supper: so much

  for the time when. Now for the ground which; which,

  had time gone by. Now for which ground; which,I mean, I walked upon: it is y-cleped thy park. Then

  I mean, I had walked upon: it is called your park. Thenfor the place where; where, I mean, I did encounter

  for the where; where, I mean, I encounteredthat obscene and preposterous event, that draweth

  that indecent and ridiculous event, that drawsfrom my snow-white pen the ebon-coloured ink, which

  from my snowy white pen the black colored ink, whichhere thou viewest, beholdest, surveyest, or seest;

  you view, behold, survey, or see here;but to the place where; it standeth north-north-east

  but to the place where; it is north-north-eastand by east from the west corner of thy curious-

  and by east from the west corner of your strangeknotted garden: there did I see that low-spirited

  knotted garden: that’s where I saw that mean-spiritedswain, that base minnow of thy mirth,'—

  youth, that base minnow that amuses you,’-- COSTARD Me?

  Me?FERDINAND [Reads] 'that unlettered small-knowing soul,'—

  [Reads] ‘that uneducated, unwitting soul,’--COSTARD Me?

  Me?FERDINAND [Reads] 'that shallow vassal,'—

  [Reads] 'that slow-minded subordinate,'—COSTARD Still me?

  Still me?FERDINAND [Reads] 'which, as I remember, hight Costard,'—

  [Reads] 'which, as I remember, is named Costard,'--

  COSTARD O, me!

  Oh, me!FERDINAND [Reads] 'sorted and consorted, contrary to thy

  [Reads] ‘planned and schemed, contrary to yourestablished proclaimed edict and continent canon,

  established proclaimed edict and lawwhich with,--O, with--but with this I passion to say

  Which with, -- Oh, with—but with this I long to saywherewith,--

  whereby,--COSTARD With a wench.

  With a girl.FERDINAND [Reads] 'with a child of our grandmother Eve, a

 
; [Reads] ‘with a child of our grandmother Eve, afemale; or, for thy more sweet understanding, a

  female; or, to make is easier for you to understand, awoman. Him I, as my ever-esteemed duty pricks me on,

  woman. I have, as my much respected duty commands me,have sent to thee, to receive the meed of

  sent him to you, to receive the fitting reward ofpunishment, by thy sweet grace's officer, Anthony

  punishment by your sweet grace’s officer, AnthonyDull; a man of good repute, carriage, bearing, and

  Dull; a man with a good reputation, demeanor, behavior, andestimation.'

  respect.’DULL 'Me, an't shall please you; I am Anthony Dull.

  It may please you to know; I am Anthony Dull.FERDINAND [Reads] 'For Jaquenetta,--so is the weaker vessel

  [Reads] ‘Since Jaquenetta, --that’s what the weaker onecalled which I apprehended with the aforesaid

  is called that I apprehended with the afore mentionedswain,--I keep her as a vessel of the law's fury;

  young man, -- I keep her as a receptacle of the law’s fury;

  and shall, at the least of thy sweet notice, bring

  and will, at your smallest command, bringher to trial. Thine, in all compliments of devoted

  her to trial. Yours truly, in all regards of devoted and heart-burning heat of duty.

  and heart-burning heat of duty.DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO.'BIRON This is not so well as I looked for, but the best

  This is not as good as what I hoped for, but it’s the bestthat ever I heard.

  that I ever heard.FERDINAND Ay, the best for the worst. But, sirrah, what say

  Yes, the best for the worst. But, slave, what do you to this?

  you say to this?COSTARD Sir, I confess the wench.

  Sir, I confess that I know the girl.FERDINAND Did you hear the proclamation?

  Did you hear the proclamation?COSTARD I do confess much of the hearing it but little of

  I confess to the hearing of it, but very little tothe marking of it.

  paying attention to it.

  FERDINAND It was proclaimed a year's imprisonment, to be taken

  It was proclaimed that you will be imprisoned for a year if you are takenwith a wench.

  with a girl.COSTARD I was taken with none, sir: I was taken with a damsel.

  I wasn’t taken with a girl: I was taken with a damsel.

  FERDINAND Well, it was proclaimed 'damsel.'

  Well, it was proclaimed that a ‘damsel’ counts too.COSTARD This was no damsel, neither, sir; she was a virgin.

  This wasn’t a damsel either, sir; she was a virgin.FERDINAND It is so varied, too; for it was proclaimed 'virgin.'

  It is also varied to include ‘virgins.’COSTARD If it were, I deny her virginity: I was taken with a maid.

  If that’s so then I deny her virginity and say: I was taken with a maid.FERDINAND This maid will not serve your turn, sir.

  That won’t help to serve your purpose either.COSTARD This maid will serve my turn, sir.

  This maid will serve me, sir.FERDINAND Sir, I will pronounce your sentence: you shall fast

  Sir, I will give you your sentence: you will fasta week with bran and water.

  For a week with bread and water only.COSTARD I had rather pray a month with mutton and porridge.

  I would rather pray for a month and be able to eat mutton and porridge.FERDINAND And Don Armado shall be your keeper.

  And Don Armado will keep watch over you.My Lord Biron, see him deliver'd o'er:

  My Lord Biron, see that he is delivered over there:And go we, lords, to put in practise that

  And we will go, Lords, to put into practice thatWhich each to other hath so strongly sworn.

  Which we have so strongly promised to each other.

  Exeunt FERDINAND, LONGAVILLE, and DUMAINBIRON I'll lay my head to any good man's hat,

  I’ll bet my head to any good man’s hatThese oaths and laws will prove an idle scorn.

  That these oaths and laws will prove to be a useless mockery.Sirrah, come on.

  Slave, come on.COSTARD I suffer for the truth, sir; for true it is, I was

  I suffer for the truth, sir; for it’s true, I wastaken with Jaquenetta, and Jaquenetta is a true

  Taken with Jaquenetta, and Jaquenetta is a truegirl; and therefore welcome the sour cup of

  girl; and so we welcome the bitter taste ofprosperity! Affliction may one day smile again; and

  success! Sickness may one day smile again; andtill then, sit thee down, sorrow!

  till then, I welcome you, sorrow!Exeunt

  Enter DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO and MOTH

  DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO Boy, what sign is it when a man of great spirit

  Boy, what does it mean when a man who is usually energeticgrows melancholy?

  grows melancholy?MOTH A great sign, sir, that he will look sad.

  It means, sir, that he will look sad.

  DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO Why, sadness is one and the self-same thing, dear imp.

  But sadness and melancholy are the same thing, dear dwarf.MOTH No, no; O Lord, sir, no.

  No, no; O Lord, sir, I disagree.

  DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO How canst thou part sadness and melancholy, my

  What’s the difference between them, mytender juvenal?

  tender young man?MOTH By a familiar demonstration of the working, my tough senior.

  By a known demonstration of how it works, my tough elder.

  DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO Why tough senior? why tough senior?

  Why tough elder? why tough elder?MOTH Why tender juvenal? why tender juvenal?

  Why tender young man? why tender young man?

  DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO I spoke it, tender juvenal, as a congruent epitheton

  I said it, tender young man, as an accurate descriptionappertaining to thy young days, which we may

  Having to do with your young days, which we cannominate tender.

  accurately call tender.MOTH And I, tough senior, as an appertinent title to your

  Me too, tough elder, as an appropriate title to your old time, which we may name tough.

  old age, which we can call tough.

  DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO Pretty and apt.

  Pretty and apt.MOTH How mean you, sir? I pretty, and my saying apt? or

  What do you mean, sir? I’m pretty and my words are apt?I apt, and my saying pretty?

  Or am I apt and my words pretty?

  DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO Thou pretty, because little.

  You pretty, because you are little.MOTH Little pretty, because little. Wherefore apt?

  Hardly pretty, because I’m little. And what is apt?

  DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO And therefore apt, because quick.

  So you are apt, because you are quick.MOTH Speak you this in my praise, master?

  Are you saying this as a compliment, master?

  DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO In thy condign praise.

  It’s a much deserved compliment.MOTH I will praise an eel with the same praise.

  I will compliment an eel in the same way.

  DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO What, that an eel is ingenious?

  What, that an eel is clever?MOTH That an eel is quick.

  That an eel is quick.

  DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO I do say thou art quick in answers: thou heatest my blood.

  I do say, you are quick in answers: you make me angry.MOTH I am answered, sir.

  You are right, sir.

  DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO I love not to be crossed.

  I do not like being crossed.MOTH [Aside] He speaks the mere contrary; crosses love not him.

  [Aside] He’s saying it backwards; crosses don’t like him.

  DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO I have promised to study three years with the duke.

  I have promised to study for three years with the duke.MOTH You may do it in an hour, sir.

  You could do that in an hour, sir.

  DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO Impossible.

  Impossible.MOTH How many is one thrice told?

  How much is one t
imes three?

  DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO I am ill at reckoning; it fitteth the spirit of a tapster.

  I am bad at math; it suits a tavern keeper better.MOTH You are a gentleman and a gamester, sir.

  You are a gentleman and a gambler, sir.

  DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO I confess both: they are both the varnish of a

  I confess to both: they are both the sign of a complete man.

  Complete man.MOTH Then, I am sure, you know how much the gross sum of

  Then, I am sure, you know how much the sum ofdeuce-ace amounts to.

  A two and an ace amounts to.

  DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO It doth amount to one more than two.

  It amounts to one more than two.MOTH Which the base vulgar do call three.

  Which the lowly and vulgar call three.

  DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO

  True.

  True.MOTH Why, sir, is this such a piece of study? Now here

  Why, sir, would you study for so long? Just nowis three studied, ere ye'll thrice wink: and how

  Three has been studied, before you’ve blinked three times: and howeasy it is to put 'years' to the word 'three,' and

  Easy it is to put ‘years’ next to the word ‘three,’ andstudy three years in two words, the dancing horse

  Study three years in just two words, the dancing horsewill tell you.

  Will tell you.

  DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO A most fine figure!

  What a fine way of figuring!MOTH To prove you a cipher.

  To prove you are being cryptic.

  DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO I will hereupon confess I am in love: and as it is

  I will confess, I am in love: and as it isbase for a soldier to love, so am I in love with a

  Lowly for a soldier to love, so am I in love with a base wench. If drawing my sword against the humour

  Lowly girl. If drawing my sword against this moodof affection would deliver me from the reprobate

  Of affection would deliver from the immoralthought of it, I would take Desire prisoner, and

  Thought of it, I would make Desire my prisoner, andransom him to any French courtier for a new-devised

  Ransom him to any French flatterer for some newcourtesy. I think scorn to sigh: methinks I should

  Compliments. I despise sighing: I think I couldoutswear Cupid. Comfort, me, boy: what great men