The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated)

by William Shakespeare

SPEED

  Come, fool, come; try me in thy paper.

  Come on, fool, come on; test me with your paper.

  LAUNCE

  There; and St. Nicholas be thy speed!

  Here it is; and may St. Nicholas help you!

  SPEED

  [Reads] 'Imprimis: She can milk.'

  [Reads] ‘In the first place: She can milk a cow.’

  LAUNCE

  Ay, that she can.

  Yes, that she can do.

  SPEED

  'Item: She brews good ale.'

  ‘Next point: she makes good ale.’

  LAUNCE

  And thereof comes the proverb: 'Blessing of your

  And from there comes the phrase: ‘Love of yourheart, you brew good ale.'

  Heart, you make good ale.’

  SPEED

  'Item: She can sew.'

  ‘Next point: she can sew.’

  LAUNCE

  That's as much as to say, Can she so?

  That could mean, ‘Can she so?’

  SPEED

  'Item: She can knit.'

  ‘Next point: she can knit.’

  LAUNCE

  What need a man care for a stock with a wench, when

  What does a man need a dowry for from a girl, whenshe can knit him a stock?

  She can knit him a stocking?

  SPEED

  'Item: She can wash and scour.'

  ‘Next point: she can wash and scrub.’

  LAUNCE

  A special virtue: for then she need not be washed

  A special skill: because then she doesn’t need to be washedand scoured.

  And scrubbed.

  SPEED

  'Item: She can spin.'

  ‘Next point: she can spin thread.’

  LAUNCE

  Then may I set the world on wheels, when she can

  Then I can have an easy life, since she canspin for her living.

  Spin thread for her living.

  SPEED

  'Item: She hath many nameless virtues.'

  Next point: she has many skills beyond words.’

  LAUNCE

  That's as much as to say, bastard virtues; that,

  That’s could mean, illegitimate children; who,indeed, know not their fathers and therefore have no names.

  Indeed, don’t know who their fathers are and so don’t have any names.

  SPEED

  'Here follow her vices.'

  ‘Here are listed her bad qualities.’

  LAUNCE

  Close at the heels of her virtues.

  Right after he good qualities.

  SPEED

  'Item: She is not to be kissed fasting in respect

  ‘Next point: she is not to be kissed if she hasn’t eaten on accountof her breath.'

  Of her breath.’

  LAUNCE

  Well, that fault may be mended with a breakfast. Read on.

  Well, that imperfection can be fixed with a breakfast. Keep reading.

  SPEED

  'Item: She hath a sweet mouth.'

  ‘Next point: she has a sweet tooth.’

  LAUNCE

  That makes amends for her sour breath.

  That makes up for her bad breath.

  SPEED

  'Item: She doth talk in her sleep.'

  Next point: she talks in her sleep.’

  LAUNCE

  It's no matter for that, so she sleep not in her talk.

  That’s not a problem, as long as she doesn’t sleep while she talks.

  SPEED

  'Item: She is slow in words.'

  Next point: she is slow with words.’

  LAUNCE

  O villain, that set this down among her vices! To

  Oh, what a scoundrel is the man who wrote that down as a bad quality! Tobe slow in words is a woman's only virtue: I pray

  Be slow with words is a woman’s only skill: Please,thee, out with't, and place it for her chief virtue.

  Cross that out, and list it as her best quality.

  SPEED

  'Item: She is proud.'

  ‘Next point: she is high-spirited.’

  LAUNCE

  Out with that too; it was Eve's legacy, and cannot

  Cross that out too; she inherited that from Eve of Eden, and that cannotbe ta'en from her.

  Be taken away from her.

  SPEED

  'Item: She hath no teeth.'

  ‘Next point: she doesn’t have any teeth.’

  LAUNCE

  I care not for that neither, because I love crusts.

  I don’t care about that either, because I love eating the crusts.

  SPEED

  'Item: She is curst.'

  Next point: she is bad-tempered.’

  LAUNCE

  Well, the best is, she hath no teeth to bite.

  Well, then it’s a good thing that she has no teeth to bite with.

  SPEED

  'Item: She will often praise her liquor.'

  ‘Next point: she will often test out her liquor.’

  LAUNCE

  If her liquor be good, she shall: if she will not, I

  If her liquor is good, she will; if she doesn’t, then Iwill; for good things should be praised.

  Will; since good things should be tested.

  SPEED

  'Item: She is too liberal.'

  ‘Next point: she is too generous.’

  LAUNCE

  Of her tongue she cannot, for that's writ down she

  With her words she isn’t, because it’s written down that sheis slow of; of her purse she shall not, for that

  Is slow with words; she won’t be with her money, because thatI'll keep shut: now, of another thing she may, and

  I’ll keep shut: now, with anything else she is can be, andthat cannot I help. Well, proceed.

  That I can’t help. Well, continue.

  SPEED

  'Item: She hath more hair than wit, and more faults

  Next point: she has more hair than she has intelligence, and more imperfectionsthan hairs, and more wealth than faults.'

  Than hair, and more money than imperfections.’

  LAUNCE

  Stop there; I'll have her: she was mine, and not

  Stop reading there; I’ll take her: I wanted her and didn’tmine, twice or thrice in that last article.

  Want her, two or three times in that last point.Rehearse that once more.

  Repeat that one again.

  SPEED

  'Item: She hath more hair than wit,'—

  ‘Next point: she has more hair than intelligence,’—

  LAUNCE

  More hair than wit? It may be; I'll prove it. The

  More hair than intelligence? That could be true; I’ll prove it with logic. Thecover of the salt hides the salt, and therefore it

  Container of the salt hides the salt, and therefore itis more than the salt; the hair that covers the wit

  Is bigger than the salt; the hair that covers over the intelligenceis more than the wit, for the greater hides the

  Is more than the intelligence because the bigger thing hides theless. What's next?

  Smaller thing. What’s next?

  SPEED

  'And more faults than hairs,'—

  ‘And more imperfections than hairs,’—

  LAUNCE

  That's monstrous: O, that that were out!

  That’s outrageous: oh, I wish that were crossed out!

  SPEED

  'And more wealth than faults.'

  ‘And more wealth than imperfections.’

  LAUNCE

  Why, that word makes the faults gracious. Well,

  Well, those words make the imperfections delightful. Well,I'll have her; and if it be a match, as nothing is

  I’ll take her; and if we are a good match, since nothing isimpossible,--

  Impossible—

  SPEED

  What then?

  What then?

  LAUNCE

&n
bsp; Why, then will I tell thee--that thy master stays

  Well, then I will tell you—your master is waitingfor thee at the North-gate.

  For you at the North-gate.

  SPEED

  For me?

  For me?

  LAUNCE

  For thee! ay, who art thou? he hath stayed for a

  For you! Yes, who do you think you are? He has waited forbetter man than thee.

  Better men than you.

  SPEED

  And must I go to him?

  And I have to go to him?

  LAUNCE

  Thou must run to him, for thou hast stayed so long

  You must run to him, because you have delayed so longthat going will scarce serve the turn.

  That walking will barely get the job done.

  SPEED

  Why didst not tell me sooner? pox of your love letters!

  Why didn’t you tell me sooner? Curse your love letters!

  Exit

  LAUNCE

  Now will he be swinged for reading my letter; an

  Now he’ll be beaten for reading my letter; aunmannerly slave, that will thrust himself into

  Scoundrel without manners, who forces himself intosecrets! I'll after, to rejoice in the boy's correction.

  Secrets! I’ll follow him, to celebrate the man’s punishment.

  Exit

  The DUKE's palace.

  Enter DUKE and THURIO

  DUKE

  Sir Thurio, fear not but that she will love you,

  Sir Thurio, don’t be afraid that she won’t love you,Now Valentine is banish'd from her sight.

  Because now Valentine is forbidden to see her.

  THURIO

  Since his exile she hath despised me most,

  She has hated me more since his exile,Forsworn my company and rail'd at me,

  Rejected my company and yelled at me,That I am desperate of obtaining her.

  So that I am hopeless of ever winning her over.

  DUKE

  This weak impress of love is as a figure

  The weak impression of love is like a statureTrenched in ice, which with an hour's heat

  Cut from ice, which after being in the heat for an hourDissolves to water and doth lose his form.

  Melts into water and loses its shape.A little time will melt her frozen thoughts

  A little time will melt her unchanging thoughtsAnd worthless Valentine shall be forgot.

  And worthless Valentine will be forgotten.

  Enter PROTEUS

  How now, Sir Proteus! Is your countryman

  How goes it, Sir Proteus! Is your friend from homeAccording to our proclamation gone?

  Gone following our public announcement of his exile?

  PROTEUS

  Gone, my good lord.

  He’s gone, my good lord.

  DUKE

  My daughter takes his going grievously.

  My daughter is taking his departure with much grief.

  PROTEUS

  A little time, my lord, will kill that grief.

  A little time, my lord, will make that grief go away.

  DUKE

  So I believe; but Thurio thinks not so.

  I think so too; but Thurio doesn’t believe that.Proteus, the good conceit I hold of thee—

  Proteus, the good opinion I have of you—For thou hast shown some sign of good desert—

  Since you have shown signs of deserving a good opinion—Makes me the better to confer with thee.

  Makes me more willing to discuss with you.

  PROTEUS

  Longer than I prove loyal to your grace

  If I no longer prove to be loyal to your graceLet me not live to look upon your grace.

  Don’t let me live to look at you, your grace.

  DUKE

  Thou know'st how willingly I would effect

  You know how eagerly I want to bring aboutThe match between Sir Thurio and my daughter.

  The marriage between Sir Thurio and my daughter.

  PROTEUS

  I do, my lord.

  I do, my lord.

  DUKE

  And also, I think, thou art not ignorant

  And also, I think, you are aware ofHow she opposes her against my will

  How she resists my wish.

  PROTEUS

  She did, my lord, when Valentine was here.

  She did, my lord, when Valentine was here.

  DUKE

  Ay, and perversely she persevers so.

  Yes, and obstinately she persisted like that.What might we do to make the girl forget

  What can we do to make the girl forgetThe love of Valentine and love Sir Thurio?

  Her love of Valentine and love Sir Thurio instead?

  PROTEUS

  The best way is to slander Valentine

  The best way is to start rumors about ValentineWith falsehood, cowardice and poor descent,

  Being dishonest, cowardly, and from a poor family—Three things that women highly hold in hate.

  Three things that women look at with hate.

  DUKE

  Ay, but she'll think that it is spoke in hate.

  Yes, but she’ll think that it is spoken from hatred of him.

  PROTEUS

  Ay, if his enemy deliver it:

  Yes, if his enemy start it;Therefore it must with circumstance be spoken

  That’s why it must be said with an explanationBy one whom she esteemeth as his friend.

  By one who she considers to be his friend.

  DUKE

  Then you must undertake to slander him.

  Then you must take on the task of starting the rumors about him.

  PROTEUS

  And that, my lord, I shall be loath to do:

  And that, my lord, I would be very reluctant to do:'Tis an ill office for a gentleman,

  It’s a terrible task for a gentleman,Especially against his very friend.

  Especially against his own friend.

  DUKE

  Where your good word cannot advantage him,

  If your good word cannot promote him,Your slander never can endamage him;

  Then your rumors can never damage him;Therefore the office is indifferent,

  So the task is neither good nor bad,Being entreated to it by your friend.

  Especially if you are asked to do it by me, your friend.

  PROTEUS

  You have prevail'd, my lord; if I can do it

  You have won, my lord; if I can do itBy ought that I can speak in his dispraise,

  With anything that I can say to bring him down,She shall not long continue love to him.

  She will not continue to love him for lon.But say this weed her love from Valentine,

  But even if this extinguishes her love for Valentine,It follows not that she will love Sir Thurio.

  This doesn’t mean that she will love Sir Thurio.

  THURIO

  Therefore, as you unwind her love from him,

  So, as you rid her of her love for him,Lest it should ravel and be good to none,

  So that it doesn’t become confused and is of no good to anyone,You must provide to bottom it on me;

  You must concentrate it on me;Which must be done by praising me as much

  Which you can do by praising me as muchAs you in worth dispraise Sir Valentine.

  As you admirably bring down Sir Valentine.

  DUKE

  And, Proteus, we dare trust you in this kind,

  And, Proteus, we have the courage to trust you with this business,Because we know, on Valentine's report,

  Because we know, from Valentine’s description,You are already Love's firm votary

  That you are already a firm worshiper of LoveAnd cannot soon revolt and change your mind.

  And won’t resist and change your mind soon.Upon this warrant shall you have access

  With my authorization you will have accessWhere you with Silvia may confer at large;

  To a place where you and Silvia can
talk at length;For she is lumpish, heavy, melancholy,

  Because she is dejected, sad, melancholy,And, for your friend's sake, will be glad of you;

  And will be happy for your company, for your friend’s sake;Where you may temper her by your persuasion

  Then you can shape her by persuading herTo hate young Valentine and love my friend.

  To hate young Valentine and love my friend Thurio.

  PROTEUS

  As much as I can do, I will effect:

  I will produce as much as I can:But you, Sir Thurio, are not sharp enough;

  But you, Sir Thurio, are not passionate enough;You must lay lime to tangle her desires

  You must lay traps to catch her loveBy wailful sonnets, whose composed rhymes

  With mournful poems, whose written linesShould be full-fraught with serviceable vows.

  Should be jam-packed with vows of loyalty.

  DUKE

  Ay,

  Yes,Much is the force of heaven-bred poesy.

  The force of heavenly poetry is great.

  PROTEUS

  Say that upon the altar of her beauty

  Say that in worshiping her beautyYou sacrifice your tears, your sighs, your heart:

  You have sacrificed your tears, your sighs, and your heart:Write till your ink be dry, and with your tears

  Write until your ink is dry, and then with your tearsMoist it again, and frame some feeling line

  Wet the paper again, and write some heartfelt lineThat may discover such integrity:

  That may reveal such complete devotion:For Orpheus' lute was strung with poets' sinews,

  Because the famous lover Orpheus’ lute had strings made from the flesh of poets,Whose golden touch could soften steel and stones,