The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated)
Page 430
and asked what I wanted to eat, and when I would kiss her.
I told her, at once, and kissed her twice.
DOCTOR
’Twas well done. Twenty times had been far better,
For there the cure lies mainly.
That's good. Twenty times would have been far better,
for that's the main way she'll be cured.
WOOER
Then she told me
She would watch with me tonight, for well she knew
What hour my fit would take me.
Then she told me
she would sit up with me tonight, for she had a good idea
of the time my desire would come upon me.
DOCTOR
Let her do so,
And when your fit comes, fit her home, and presently.
Let her do so,
and when it comes, share it with her, at once.
WOOER
She would have me sing.
She wanted me to sing.
DOCTOR
You did so?
And did you?
WOOER
No.
No.
DOCTOR
’twas very ill done then.
You should observe her ev’ry way.
That wasn't good then.
You should follow her every whim.
WOOER
Alas,
I have no voice, sir, to confirm her that way.
Alas,
I cannot sing, sir, to please her in that way.
DOCTOR
That’s all one, if ye make a noise.
If she entreat again, do any thing,
Lie with her, if she ask you.
That doesn't matter, as long as you make a noise.
If she asks you again, do anything,
sleep with her, if she asks you.
JAILER
Ho there, doctor!
Hang on now, doctor!
DOCTOR
Yes, in the way of cure.
It's all in the name of a cure.
JAILER
But first, by your leave,
I’ th’ way of honesty.
If you'll excuse me, we should think first
about the name of virginity.
DOCTOR
That’s but a niceness.
Nev’r cast your child away for honesty.
Cure her first this way; then if she will be honest,
She has the path before her.
That's just a detail.
Never reject your child for the sake of a word.
First cure her this way; then if she wants to be honest,
she'll have the way in front of her.
JAILER
Thank ye, doctor.
Thank you, doctor.
DOCTOR
Pray bring her in
And let’s see how she is.
Please bring her in
and let's see how she is.
JAILER
I will, and tell her
Her Palamon stays for her; but, doctor,
Methinks you are i’ th’ wrong still.
I will, and I'll tell her
her Palamon is waiting for her; but, doctor,
I still think you are wrong.
Exit Jailer.
DOCTOR
Go, go!
You fathers are fine fools. Her honesty!
And we should give her physic till we find that—
Go, go!
You fathers are great fools. Her virginity!
Should we give her medicine until we find that–
WOOER
Why, do you think she is not honest, sir?
What, do you think she's not a virgin, sir?
DOCTOR
How old is she?
How old is she?
WOOER
She’s eighteen.
She's eighteen.
DOCTOR
She may be,
But that’s all one, ’tis nothing to our purpose.
What e’er her father says, if you perceive
Her mood inclining that way that I spoke of,
Videlicet, the way of flesh—you have me?
She may be a virgin,
it's all the same to me, it's nothing to do with us.
Whatever her father says, if you see
her mood starting to go in that direction,
I give you permission, enjoy her–you know what I mean?
WOOER
Yet very well, sir.
Very well, sir.
DOCTOR
Please her appetite,
And do it home; it cures her ipso facto
The melancholy humor that infects her.
Satisfy her,
and do it well; it will cure her of this
depression of hers at once.
WOOER
I am of your mind, doctor.
I agree with you, doctor.
Enter Jailer, Daughter, Maid.
DOCTOR
You’ll find it so. She comes. Pray humor her.
You'll find I'm right. Here she comes. Please humour her.
Wooer retires.
JAILER
Come, your love Palamon stays for you, child,
And has done this long hour, to visit you.
Come, your lover Palamon is waiting for you, child,
and has been for the past hour.
JAILER’S DAUGHTER
I thank him for his gentle patience,
He’s a kind gentleman, and I am much bound to him.
Did you nev’r see the horse he gave me?
I thanked him for his kind patience,
he's a kind gentleman, and I'm devoted to him.
Did you not see the horse he gave me?
JAILER
Yes.
Yes.
JAILER’S DAUGHTER
How do you like him?
What did you think of him?
JAILER
He’s a very fair one.
He's a very good chap.
JAILER’S DAUGHTER
You never saw him dance?
Did you never see him dance?
JAILER
No.
No.
JAILER’S DAUGHTER
I have often.
He dances very finely, very comely,
And for a jig, come cut and long tail to him,
He turns ye like a top.
I've seen him often.
He dances very finely, very gracefully,
and in a jig, come what may,
he spins you like a top.
JAILER
That’s fine indeed.
That's wonderful.
JAILER’S DAUGHTER
He’ll dance the morris twenty mile an hour,
And that will founder the best hobby-horse
(If I have any skill) in all the parish,
And gallops to the tune of “Light a’ love.”
What think you of this horse?
He'll dance a Morris dance at twenty miles an hour,
and that will wear out the best hobbyhorse
(if I know anything about it) in the whole parish,
and he gallops to the tune of “Light of love."
What do you think of this horse?
JAILER
Having these virtues,
I think he might be brought to play at tennis.
As he has all these accomplishments,
I think he should be brought to play tennis.
JAILER’S DAUGHTER
Alas, that’s nothing.
Alas, that's nothing.
JAILER
Can he write and read too?
Can he read and write too?
JAILER’S DAUGHTER
A very fair hand, and casts himself th’ accounts
Of all his hay and provender. That hostler
Must rise betime that cozens him. You know
The chestnut mare the Duke has?
Very nicely, and he adds u
p all the accounts
for his hay and food. A stableman would have to
get up very early to cheat him. You know
the chestnut mare the Duke has?
JAILER
Very well.
Certainly.
JAILER’S DAUGHTER
She is horribly in love with him, poor beast,
But he is like his master, coy and scornful.
She's massively in love with him, poor beast,
but he's like his master, standoffish and scornful.
JAILER
What dowry has she?
What dowry does she have?
JAILER’S DAUGHTER
Some two hundred bottles,
And twenty strike of oats, but he’ll ne’er have her.
He lisps in ’s neighing able to entice
A miller’s mare, he’ll be the death of her.
About two hundred bundles of hay,
and twenty bushels of oats, but he'll never have her.
He has a lisp in his neigh that would attract
any mare, he'll be the death of her.
DOCTOR
What stuff she utters!
What nonsense she talks!
JAILER
Make curtsy, here your love comes.
Curtsy, here comes you lover.
Wooer comes forward.
WOOER
Pretty soul,
How do ye? That’s a fine maid! There’s a curtsy!
Pretty soul,
how are you? There's a fine girl! What a curtsy!
JAILER’S DAUGHTER
Yours to command i’ th’ way of honesty.
How far is’t now to th’ end o’ th’ world, my masters?
I'm yours to command in an honest way.
How far is it to the end of the world, my masters?
DOCTOR
Why, a day’s journey, wench.
Why, a day's journey, girl.
JAILER’S DAUGHTER
Will you go with me?
Will you go with me?
WOOER
What shall we do there, wench?
What shall we do there, girl?
JAILER’S DAUGHTER
Why, play at stoolball:
What is there else to do?
Why, play stoolball:
what else is there to do?
WOOER
I am content,
If we shall keep our wedding there.
I will be happy
if we get married there.
JAILER’S DAUGHTER
’Tis true,
For there, I will assure you, we shall find
Some blind priest for the purpose that will venture
To marry us, for here they are nice and foolish.
Besides, my father must be hang’d tomorrow,
And that would be a blot i’ th’ business.
Are not you Palamon?
It's true,
I can promise you we shall find
some blind priest there who will agree
to marry us, for here they are fussy and foolish.
Besides, my father has to be hanged tomorrow,
and that would cast a shadow over the business.
Aren't you Palamon?
WOOER
Do not you know me?
Don't you recognise me?
JAILER’S DAUGHTER
Yes, but you care not for me. I have nothing
But this poor petticoat and two coarse smocks.
Yes, but you don't care about me. I own nothing
except this poor petticoat and two rough dresses.
WOOER
That’s all one, I will have you.
That doesn't matter, I'll take you.
JAILER’S DAUGHTER
Will you surely?
Will you definitely?
WOOER
Yes, by this fair hand, will I.
Yes, by this lovely hand, I swear I will.
JAILER’S DAUGHTER
We’ll to bed then.
We'll go to bed then.
WOOER
Ev’n when you will.
Whenever you like.
Kisses her.
JAILER’S DAUGHTER
O, sir, you would fain be nibbling.
Oh sir, you would like a nibble.
WOOER
Why do you rub my kiss off?
Why are you rubbing my kiss off?
JAILER’S DAUGHTER
’Tis a sweet one,
And will perfume me finely against the wedding.
Is not this your cousin Arcite?
It's a sweet one,
and it will do as perfume for the wedding.
Isn't this your cousin Arcite?
DOCTOR
Yes, sweet heart,
And I am glad my cousin Palamon
Has made so fair a choice.
Yes, sweetheart,
and I am glad my cousin Palamon
has made such a good choice.
JAILER’S DAUGHTER
Do you think he’ll have me?
Do you think he'll have me?
DOCTOR
Yes, without doubt.
Yes, no doubt.
JAILER’S DAUGHTER
Do you think so too?
Do you think so too?
JAILER
Yes.
Yes.
JAILER’S DAUGHTER
We shall have many children.—Lord, how y’ are grown!
My Palamon I hope will grow too, finely,
Now he’s at liberty. Alas, poor chicken,
He was kept down with hard meat and ill lodging,
But I’ll kiss him up again.
We shall have many children.-Lord, how you've grown!
My Palamon and I will grow too, well,
now he's free. Alas, poor chick,
he was roughly treated with bad food and poor rooms,
but I'll raise him up again with kisses.
Enter First Messenger.
1. MESSENGER
What do you here? You’ll lose the noblest sight
That ev’r was seen.
What are you doing here? You'll miss the noblest
sight anyone's ever seen.
JAILER
Are they i’ th’ field?
Are they on the battlefield?
1. MESSENGER
They are.
You bear a charge there too.
They are.
You have a job there too.
JAILER
I’ll away straight.
I must ev’n leave you here.
I'll come at once.
I must leave you here.
DOCTOR
Nay, we’ll go with you,
I will not lose the fight.
No, we'll go with you,
I don't want to miss the fight.
JAILER
How did you like her?
What did you think of her?
DOCTOR
I’ll warrant you within these three or four days
I’ll make her right again.
To the Wooer.
You must not from her,
But still preserve her in this way.
I promise you that within the next three or four days
I'll get her right again.
You mustn't leave her,
but keep this pretence up.
WOOER
I will.
I will.
DOCTOR
Let’s get her in.
Let's get her inside.
WOOER
Come, sweet, we’ll go to dinner,
And then we’ll play at cards.
Come, sweet, we'll go into dinner,
and then we'll play cards.
JAILER’S DAUGHTER
And shall we kiss too?
And shall we kiss too?
WOOER
A hundred times.
A hundred times.
JAILER’S DAUGHTER
And twe
nty?
And twenty?
WOOER
Ay, and twenty.
Yes, and twenty.
JAILER’S DAUGHTER
And then we’ll sleep together?
And then we'll sleep together?
DOCTOR
Take her offer.
Accept her offer.
WOOER
Yes, marry, will we.
Yes, we certainly will.
JAILER’S DAUGHTER
But you shall not hurt me.
But you won't hurt me.
WOOER
I will not, sweet.