I can’t tell where one disappointment ends and another begins.
I can’t tell where one sin ends and another begins.
I guess there’s no good in this world without a little bad.
Brett Dixon
Wednesday, 10/16
Something happened to her before she got to class. I had to do a double take to make sure, but sadness was radiating from her. And then McCoy opened his mouth and I couldn’t take it. I want to punch him until his face is bloody and every one of his face bones is broken. He’s the reason for ALL of this mess.
And then she cried. She broke and I NEEDED to hold her. My insides screamed to hold her. She tried to fight me but I could sense her need for me. I wanted to pick up every one of her puzzle pieces she dropped. I wanted to put her back together. I wanted to solve the puzzle so she wouldn’t have to.
Kissing her was magical. I’m serious. It sounds so dumb but it was like going to fuc freaking Disney World. Like you count down the months and the days and then all of a sudden you’re there and it’s better than anything you could have ever imagined. I can’t believe how quickly and strongly I’m falling for her.
And then, everything turned to ice. It started in my heart and spread down to my toes and up through my head. I saw the hickey on Ramona’s neck. I WAS PISSED. And then Mrs. Novoa caught us. Frankly, I didn’t even care that we got caught.
I knew Ryan would get to her. I knew it. He’s going to break her heart.
If only she could see that we really belong together. Maybe we always have. I can’t ever get the words out when I’m with her. I can’t tell her what I feel because I don’t know how. I’ve never felt this way. It sucks knowing that Ryan touches her the way I want to.
If she wants Ryan, she can have him. But I’m not going anywhere. For the last nine years she’s always been there for me, even when I didn’t know it. I plan to do the same thing, whether she knows it or not.
When he breaks her heart, and he will, I’ll be there to put it back together again. And then I’ll punch Ryan’s face off.
P.S. Mr. Chan, I swear I don’t always make out with girls in the hallway. Don’t tell anyone. Also, Mrs. Novoa already gave us detention.
Chapter 16
AND STINKY MCGEE MAKES it four.
I count all the people that start to fall asleep in Mrs. Novoa’s class. It’s not her fault. The class just involves a lot of reading and silent praying. She also lights these candles that smell like amber and honey. Out of all the classes, this one has the highest use of bathroom visits. Students get bored, snag a bathroom pass and go walk around for ten minutes. I have the urge to go but Mrs. Novoa and I aren’t on the greatest of terms right now, so I’m laying low.
When I look up, I notice Ryan headed for the bathroom pass. Our eyes meet as he turns to walk past me. All his past transgressions are forgiven when he looks at me with his silver eyes. He grins crookedly and I involuntarily bite my lip. He slips a piece of paper on my desk before he leaves the classroom.
I straighten up and see that it’s his number. I have to cover my mouth with my hand to cover my smile and to keep me from squealing with glee. He does like me! After three years of pining… Ryan Applebaum likes me.
Enough to make out with me.
Enough for him to give me his number.
I’ve dreamed countless times about being with Ryan and I can’t believe it’s finally happening.
Veronica was right. All I have to do is go with the flow. I guess he was just nervous or busy yesterday in class. I spent all night wrapped up in Brett’s kiss and all the guilt and pleasure that came along with it. Now that Ryan likes me, maybe I can put Brett behind me.
***
VERONICA TOLD ME TO wait a day.
But I can’t.
No way.
I’ve been waiting for this for three years and I refuse to wait another day. Plus, what if I die between now and tomorrow night? Then I will have never used Ryan’s phone number and that would be the tragedy of my life.
Carpe diem.
All that being said, I’m in my room and have been staring at my phone for about ten minutes as if it’s about to grow legs and walk away.
It hasn’t.
But, I also haven’t mustered the bravery to text Ryan.
And I’m way too chicken to call.
And it’s 10 PM and maybe he goes to bed early.
I take a deep breath and pick up the phone and the tiny piece of paper lying next to it. His handwriting is messy and sort of looks like Brett’s, in a way. Their sevens are similar. I let out a groan over the fact that I’ve memorized how Brett’s sevens are shaped.
Stupid Brett and his stupid wonderful kissing and his stupid ugly sevens.
Ryan, Ramona. You want Ryan, not Brett.
I’ve been tormenting myself over what to text Ryan and the best I could come up with was, “Hey! It’s Ramona. What’s up?” It’s so lame but everything else sounded like I was trying too hard. I type in the number and then the letters. I take a deep breath pausing my thumb over the “send” icon. On my exhale, I lower my thumb and tap the icon.
Me: Hey! It’s Ramona. What’s up?
No going back now.
I heatedly throw my phone on the bed to keep myself from staring at it. I pace my room and wring my hands.
This was a terrible idea. I should have waited a day or two. I look desperate and nobody wants to be with a desperate person. He’s going to think I’m weird and be creeped out. This is a mistake–
My phone dings and I dive for it.
Ryan: Hey. U busy?
My hearts speeds up over the simple fact that he actually responded. Ryan is texting me.
Ryan Applebaum and Ramona Bean Scott are texting.
The world must be ending. I wait a minute so I don’t seem too eager.
Me: Nope. Just finished homework.
Ryan: Meet me outside my house in 15.
Wait, what?
It’s 10 PM on a school night. What could he possibly want–
Oh...
Duh, Ramona.
I’ve never snuck out of the house before. I contemplate texting Veronica for advice but I already know what she would say. She would tell me to stop over-thinking it and just do it.
Oh my god.
Okay…
You can do this, Ramona.
I look around my room and grab my wallet. On my way out I catch a glimpse of the mirror. Jesus, I almost left the house wearing sweatpants and Dad’s old shirt with The Cure on the front of it.
I pull my jeans on and rummage through my closet to find a shirt. The pickings are slim because I wear a uniform five days a week. I grab a black tight fitting v-neck and throw it on. I look at the clock on my phone and see that it’s been seven minutes. I flatten my hair and pull it evenly over my shoulders. It still looks big but I can’t worry about hat hair right now so I eighty-six the idea of wearing a hat.
I tip toe down the stairs and the front door only creeks a little. I turn the heat up in my car and make my way to Ryan’s house.
I almost miss his driveway again even though there’s a lit up sign that clearly says, “Applebaum Family Stables.”
I stop the car at the top of the driveway loop and turn off the engine. I look up and notice that there’s a light on in one of the second floor rooms as well as the porch lights. I take some slow breaths and try to lower my heart rate before I text him to let him know that I’m here. I make it through three breaths when the front door opens.
Out comes Ryan in his black Mount St. Mary’s baseball sweatpants, a white t-shirt and messy hair. He holds my door open as I get out of the car. His hands grab my hips and he uses his body to press me against the side of the car and immediately starts kissing me before I can even say, “Hi.” I have the urge to stop him so we can talk but his kissing makes me crave so much more that I couldn’t stop even if I wanted to.
His mouth travels down to my neck as he kisses me firmly and nibbles at me. I tense
up remembering Brett. I can’t be walking around with a hickey. My parents would kill me. I’m lucky the last one he gave me was halfway covered by oxford collar. Deep down I know that my real worry is Brett.
“You gave me a hickey the other night,” I tell him, turning my head to his so it delicately tilts his head away from my neck.
“Mmmm. Did you like it?” He lifts his head up to reveal a smirk. His eyes are flittering over my lips, eyes and neck. He exudes sexy and I can feel my face heating up. I can’t believe the star of the baseball team is looking at me like I’m sexy. He’s going to turn me into a sex-crazed maniac.
I think there may be a sex demon in me after all. We’ve only been kissing for a few minutes and I already want to tear all of his clothes off.
I don’t want another hickey but I also can’t lie. “I did.” The corners of my mouth turn upward.
“I liked it too.” His mouth picks up where it left off on my lower neck. The force of his kisses makes me gasp. I guess I do want a hickey after all. It makes me dizzy so lace my fingers through the hair on the back of his head.
His mouth finds mine again. His hands push my shirt up enough to let his hand brush over my bra. Finally, I break away.
“You taste so good, Ramona Bean Scott,” He murmurs against my cheek.
I have no idea if that’s a normal or creepy thing to say so I do what Veronica told me to do and go with the flow. “So do you,” I reply insecurely.
He entwines his finger with mine as our arms dangle by our sides. Between kisses that bounce from my mouth, cheeks, to my eyebrows and forehead, I say, “I should go. We have school tomorrow.”
“Yeah.” He takes a step back so I’m not pinned against the car. He opens my car door and I climb in cautiously, my entire body still buzzing with heat from his body being pressed against mine.
Before he closes the door he gives me his infamous crooked grin and says, “I’m glad you hit me up, Scott. Do it again.” His grin grows into a full-blown smile and his dimple shows as he quietly shuts my door. I take a deep breath and blow it out through my puckered lips. After he goes back inside, I begin my drive home feeling sexy and empowered.
Brett Dixon
Thursday 10/17
I did it. I finally broke up with Daphne.
She was PISSED. And she should be.
I was reeling after I saw Ryan blatantly checking out Ramona’s ass on her way to the bathroom and then cracking some stupid joke to his baseball buddies. The anger and jealousy carried me all the way to the end of school.
I didn’t sugar coat anything. I told her straight up that I was only dating her for the hook-ups. I let her down harshly. I’m not proud of it. Even though it’s exactly what she did to me in 6th grade.
I feel so much better about life without her being in it, honestly. I know it sounds fuc messed up but it’s true. It’s probably how Ramona felt when she stopped being friends with Daphne. I really do feel bad for being a dick about it though.
I miss Ramona.
CHAPTER 17
I TRIED TO CATCH UP with Ryan after History but he brushed right past me after saying, “Hey, Ramona.” Then the wave of students crashed into me and he was gone. I knew he wasn’t going to hold my hand and I didn’t assume that we’re automatically boyfriend and girlfriend but I was just expecting some type of actual conversation.
Maybe make some plans to hang out or, like, go on a real date? Is that really asking too much?
Once again, I mope into Math class.
Luck may not have been on my side in History class but it is in Math. I walk in and take a seat, a whopping three desks (!) away from Brett who is sitting behind Jet.
In front of me is Kerry Adams, the boy who asks too many questions. Behind me is Amelia Baldwin, who's a year younger, minds her own business and does her work quietly (I quite like her). On my left is Max Reynolds, who is a dark, tall, sexy basketball player and also a genius (I quite like him too, now that I think about it.) Here I am, in the middle of three wonderful, smart people who aren’t Brett or Jet.
I have thirty more minutes left in class and my spirits have risen because I have not thought about boys in approximately forty-five minutes. I work on a set of problems Mr. Kavinsky writes on the board for us that will prep us for our assignment. A pre-homework-assignment-assignment. I say it ten times fast in my head...
Aprenesconderkonsimit.
We tried explaining to him that he’s basically just giving us two homework assignments but he disagreed. I’m not sure if it’s lazy teaching or pro-active teaching. Either way, my head is in it and I feel good. I feel as if Kerry, Janice and Max have created this terrific force field around me that is impenetrable by anyone and everyone I dislike.
The force field works until I’m halfway through the second problem of our pre-homework-assignment-assignment. Then, I feel him staring at me. It’s just like Veronica was saying at the lacrosse game. It’s an uncomfortable sensation. Since I’m technically in front of him, I can’t turn around to confirm it. Instead, I look up from my notebook and try to study him out of the corner of my eye.
“Hey…hey, Ramona…hey.” Someone’s tapping on my desk. I blink my eyes hard and turn to look at Max on my left. I’m glad he’s talking to me because I have the excuse I need to confirm that Brett is, in fact, looking at me. We make quick eye contact and then both look away. “Hey, are you okay? You completely spaced out for a second and it freaked me out.”
“Oh, um-yeah. Yeah.” His eyes are back on me. “I’m good. You know…just…thinking,” I say with an awkward chuckle.
“Word. I do the same thing sometimes.”
I can still feel Brett’s eyes on me so after I nod at Max and he turns back to his notebook, I linger on his body for a few seconds hoping Brett will see me checking out Max. It’s childish but I want him to know that our accidental make-out session meant nothing and that I don’t care about it and that I’m not obsessing about it.
(I’m totally obsessing about it.)
Last night with Ryan was pretty much the only time since the accidental make- out session that I wasn’t thinking about Brett. Whenever he’s near me, he consumes me. Whatever these feelings are with Brett, they need to be squashed. He’s with Daphne and I’m with…
Well, I’m with nobody.
I’m sure Ryan needed to stop by his locker after class this morning and was just in a hurry. Or maybe he needed to use the restroom or something. I’m sure it was nothing personal. It couldn’t be. I mean, his hand was up my shirt last night. I’ll text him tonight and maybe we can meet up again. I’ll do anything to stop thinking about Brett.
The bell rings and I realize I’ve been staring at the same problem for the last ten minutes of class. I stand up to file out with the rest of our class when I trip over the desk leg, begin to regain my balance only to trip over my own shoe.
I fall right into Jet.
“Jesus, Ramona, get off, I’m not your type. I’m not a homo.” He pushes away from me hard enough for me to almost fall but someone grabs me from around my waist and pulls me back up.
“Could have fooled me,” says Brett from behind me. His arms are cradling me and I get balanced back on my feet.
“What’d you say, Dixon?”
“I said, keep walking, McCoy,” says Brett, moving his body in front of me but not letting go of me. Like a parent protecting their child.
“You know what, Dixon? I’m gunna let this one slide. I know you’re upset that Daphne broke up with you because of your…inability to…perform.” Jet lets out a loud chuckle and walks out.
What?!
My head bolts up and my eyes go wide. My mind is reeling with questions. If he told Daphne that we kissed then she might come after me. She might tell everyone that he cheated on her with me and then Veronica and Jimmy will find out. My mind is racing a million miles a minute and I’m building into a state of panic.
“God, I want to punch him so bad,” Brett says, through gritted teeth.
> “He deserves it. Nobody would even be mad at you if you did, man. I had your back, bro,” says Max, before giving Brett a head nod and walking out.
I’m reeling with so many questions that I didn’t even notice I’m resting my forehead against Brett’s back, biting my cuticles with his large hand still on my side. I straighten up quickly when he starts turning around. I bite fiercely on my cuticles, avoiding eye contact.
“Is your ankle okay? Do you want to go to the nurse’s office? I have to walk that direction anyway,” he says casually, rubbing the back of his head like he does when he’s nervous.
Before thinking about it, I blurt, “Ha. No. We all know how that turned out last time.” I want to leave, but he’s blocking the route to the door. I look at him and he’s trying to conceal his smile. It is kind of funny. I’m dangerously close to smiling with him and I know if I look in his eyes I will. Instead, I look everywhere else and quietly mumble, “Thank you.” I push him harder than I mean to out of the way to avoid any more conversation or physical contact. He makes my brain fuzzy so I can’t think straight.
I’m walking down the hall to lunch realizing it’s getting harder to dislike Brett, especially when he sticks up for me.
Especially when he’s not dating Daphne.
Especially when he kisses me the way he does.
“Bean! Bean,” Veronica is ferociously waving me to the table. “Hurry up.”
“What? What’s wrong?” I say, curling into a chair. I haven’t seen her this animated since she told me about kissing Chase.
“Guess what?” Her giddiness is slightly off putting today. She’s making me anxious.
“What?”
“Daphne and Brett broke up! I heard that she broke up with him. She said he’s boring and bad in bed!” She kicks her heels up and squeals.
“Veronica, she said that? That’s really mean.” I can’t believe she’s this happy about two people breaking up. Sure, it’s Brett but he doesn’t deserve to have awful things said about him all over school.
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