Twisted in You

by Fabiola Francisco

  He responds saying he will be home.

  I look around the reception area where I work and organize the counter top, adding the new January calendars. A sense of pride washes over me as I look around. This is mine. This is something I accomplished on my own. All because I survived. Now, I’m doing more than surviving. I’m living. I’m feeling. I’m moving forward, and I am so grateful that I have Tyler to do that with. This is why I need to talk to him. We have always been honest about what we are living, and I want him to know he can be honest with me now.

  When we went to Chris’s farm before Christmas I realized how significant horses are. In Abby’s eyes, I saw the reflection of all that I could be if I released the last piece of blame. I saw the beauty behind forgiveness and felt the peace that comes with freedom. And I wanted more than that small taste of it. I wanted to wrap myself in that feeling, so I did. I decided I could accept what happened with compassion for myself and move forward with a lighter heart. Forgiveness comes from acceptance. There is nothing simpler or more complicated than that.

  Although I will always carry with me what I lived, it will no longer control me.

  One day, I’ll buy myself a horse so I can walk outside and confess my feelings while I pet her. I don’t know what it is about horses, but in the short time I spent with Abby I realized how powerful her presence was.

  The clock finally hits five and I walk out to go to Tyler’s house. I clear my mind on the drive there, focusing on the present and not worrying about what could be. There’s no sense in that. Instead, I breathe gently and try to get there as fast as possible.

  When I finally pull up to his house, I park the car and close my eyes a second. Whatever it is, I am strong enough. I am prepared.

  “I’m so glad you’re here,” Tyler says, opening the door before I even get a chance to knock.

  “Okay.” I furrow my eyebrows but walk in, sensing his relief. “We need to talk.”

  “I know.” He nods his head and sits on the couch as he runs a hand through his hair. Instead of sitting, I stand in front of him and wait until he pulls his head up to look at me.

  “What’s going on?” My shoulders relax and my eyes soften as we make eye contact.

  “I hate keeping things from you, but I can’t tell you. You’re going to have to trust me.”

  “That’s not good enough.” My hands go straight to my hips.

  “Trust me, Mikayla. Get on that bus with me.”

  “I need a real reason. I need to understand. I trust you no matter what, but that response is bullshit and you know it. You have Sam siding with you. What does she know?”

  “It’s not about sides.”

  “Do you want to drink? Is that it? Will it make you feel better if I’m on the bus because then you will have a daily reminder of what not to do? I don’t want to be that type of reminder. I don’t want to be a guilt trip for you.”

  Tyler laughs, and my muscles contract. “No, Red. I don’t want a drink. You are not a guilt trip. You are the woman I love more than anything. You are the person I live for. You’re my yin. Do I want you there for my own selfishness? Yeah, but there’s more than that.”

  “Then tell me. Please, Tyler, because I’m going crazy here. I’ve noticed how something has you on edge.”

  He sighs in defeat and grabs my wrist, tugging me to him until I’m sitting on his lap. I jolt at the unexpected position, but his hand on my back eases me.

  “I’ve got you, Red. No one else but me.” He runs a hand down my long hair, a sense of wholeness filling me. He reminds me about all I’ve done. The admiration he has for me is a reminder that I have healed myself and become a complete person.

  “I need to hold you while I tell you this. I need you to feel my love while I say it and know that I will do anything in my power to keep you safe. Always.”

  “What?” I whisper. Fear tingles up my spine, but I try to shoo it away. It’s my head that tries to control my emotions.

  “We got a call at the label. It was about you, and I’m pretty sure it was your stepdad. Joe gave me the message.”

  “What did he say?” My jaw clenches and I am gripping Tyler’s wrist forcefully.

  “Don’t worry about that.”

  “Tell me,” I demand.

  Tyler closes his eyes and speaks. “He said, I have his bitch.”

  My nails pierce into Tyler’s skin, but he shows no sign of pain. My teeth grind against each other and my nostrils flare.

  Tyler continues to talk as I sit in silence. “You’re not any of that. You are a beautiful and brave woman. You are mine. And you are strong. I’ll be damned if—”

  “You’re damn right. And I will kill him before he gets near me again. I’m not the same girl, but my anger can multiply if he tries to treat me like that.”

  “Red . . .”

  “No. He will not.” My voice cracks, and I realize I’m crying.

  Tyler tightens his hold around my midsection and pulls me closer to him. I refuse to let this become my reality. I refuse to believe he found me.

  Tyler brushes my tears away. I lean my head into the crook of his neck and control my breathing. He is right. I am strong. We don’t know if he even cares to come after me or is simply upset about having seen me with Tyler.

  “I need you to go on the bus with me while we figure out how to stop him once and for all. I’ll feel better if I knew you were safe.”

  I hold his face between my palms and stabilize my breath. His stubble tickles my skin, and that feeling brings me peace. It’s unique to him. My body trembles, but I speak firmly.

  “I have already lived what I needed to live with him. I have released it. The guilt and blame are no longer mine to carry. I will go on that bus with you because part of me is afraid. However, this will not control me. Or us. I want it resolved. I have no idea how. Maybe the authorities? Because I’ll be damned if I live the rest of my life running away. I’ve run enough.”

  “My brave warrior.” His breath tickles my face. “God, you’re so strong. Stronger than me. Hearing Joe give me that message blinded me with anger and fear. I refuse to lose you, emotionally or physically. I’m not sure what the authorities will do with that one phone call, since he didn’t say your name or give his. Your abuse happened in Georgia, and it has been some time, so it could be tricky. I’ll find out. In the meantime, we keep moving forward.”

  “Yes.” Although I believe everything I told Tyler, anxiety of reliving the past is gnawing at me.

  I get to Sam’s house after having dinner with Tyler and talking through everything for the tour. Sam looks up as I stand before her with my arms crossed. I tilt my head and look at her.

  She sighs and puts her tablet down on her lap. “He told you.”

  “You didn’t,” I point out.

  “It wasn’t my place. It was his to decide. Did I first agree to not tell you? Yes.” She nods her head. “For your protection. I’m glad he told you, because it helps you process through your healing. I knew he would, eventually.”

  “I’m going with him.”

  “You always were, whether you knew what was going on or not.”

  “Why are you so calm?” I inquire.

  “How do you want me to react? I worked with you to make you independent, not dependent of me. My purpose is to help people heal and learn, so they can move forward in life, grounded on their own two feet. I will not diminish our relationship, because we both know we have become friends, as well. However, we do not depend on friends, either. Or partners.” She raises her eyebrows.

  “I know that, which is why I told Tyler we needed to work through our own stuff before anything happened.”

  “And I admired that. Now, I always knew one day you would find your own place and be on your own. I always knew you and Tyler would move on together. That does not mean I will not be here for you. I always will. We will continue our weekly sessions over the phone, and if you need to talk in between those, you call me. “

  “Than
k you.” I finally release my arms and let them drop to my sides. I sit across from her on the chair in the living room

  “Now, tell me how you’re doing with the news.”

  I speak on an exhale. “Better than I could have ever imagined. I owe a lot of that to you.”

  “No, you owe it to yourself,” she interrupts me.

  “Fine, to both of us. You taught me so much. I am scared. I’m honest enough to admit that, but I do not believe he will harm me anymore.”

  “Keep believing that, but rid yourself of the not. Remember, always state things in positive.”

  I nod my head. “I believe I am safe from him.”

  “Better. And send that energy out to the world. You are safe and very strong. I’m proud of having watched you transform. When do you leave?”

  “After New Year’s. I guess it’s a good thing I don’t have much to pack.”

  Sam snorts and smiles. “That does help. Will you talk to your boss tomorrow?”

  “Yes. I’m going to arrive a little earlier so I can speak to him. I hate having to leave that job, but the idea of leaving there alone at night now stresses me.”

  “I know, focus on what you believe now.”

  “What about you?”

  “What about me?” She furrows her eyebrows.

  “Are you ever going to move forward?” I give her a small smile.

  “I am. Each day I move forward a little more.”

  “Max.”

  Sam shakes her head and smiles peacefully. “I will always carry him with me, but what he and I needed to do in each other’s lives is done. We learned and grew from that. I will love him for my lifetime, but our experience is complete.”

  “Then someone else?” I ask softly.

  “Don’t worry about me. I’m doing exactly what I am meant to be doing right now.”

  “Okay,” I say. Of course, I will think about her and hope she finds someone to spend her life with. She has so much to offer someone, and I would like to see that happen. I know she’s happy now, but the woman in me wants her to have that fairytale.

  “Fairytales don’t exist. I see your mind turning.” I laugh at how she reads me and shrug.

  “I used to believe the same thing, Sam. But I found a fairy godmother and a prince. Albeit, a broken prince and an untraditional godmother. Maybe those stories did have some truth in them.”

  Sam rolls her eyes. “Don’t compare your life to that, and create a new formula where the woman isn’t the victim, but the heroine. All the other characters are there because she attracted them to join her in her journey, not win it for her. And the villain? He isn’t a villain but the lesson the heroine needs to overcome, so she can become the truest form of herself. Be a heroine, Mikayla, never a victim.”

  “Thank you.” I nod, letting that sink in. For so long, I played the victim because it was what I felt and knew. If I weren’t so focused on victimizing my role, maybe I would have accepted, learned, and grown from it. Maybe it would have ended earlier, but this is what I needed. I have grown and healed. I do not like it, but I accept it.

  The last few days have gone by at a snail’s pace and too fast at the same time. I felt like the day to leave would never come, yet now that it’s here I feel like I didn’t have enough time to take it all in.

  Everyone at Healing Hearts took my leaving well. They all said I would be missed and the door is always open once I return. I’ll miss my ceramics class the most, but I know this is what needs to be done.

  Tyler hasn’t heard anything else from my stepdad, but he isn’t taking it lightly. The stress of it all has gotten to him, and I keep telling him that it will do no good to worry. Instead, I had him tell me everything I will need to know about being on tour with him, how it will work with other people on the bus, and the routine.

  Tyler’s tour dates and cities are public information, and I have wondered how closely my stepdad is looking into that. Tyler did make sure we have extra security with us, and I will never be left alone. It feels stupid. I want to be able to move around without someone watching me. Right now, we are being guided by one phone call. But, I have also been looking over my shoulder more often and gripping my cell phone tighter.

  I close my eyes and center myself. When I feel calm, I pick up my duffel bag and walk out of my room.

  “You ready?” Sam says when I walk into the kitchen.

  “Yeah. Thank you for letting me stay here. Thank you for being you.” I hug her tightly.

  “I’m not disappearing. I’ll still be here and a phone call away. Besides, you’ll be back in a few months.”

  “I know.” I pull back and smile at her. “I’m not sure I’m going to love living on a bus, but I’ve had worst. I want this resolved. I feel like I’m running again. I am running.”

  “It’s temporary. I want you to remember that no matter how far you physically run, the real win is when internally you’re at peace.”

  “Guru Sam.”

  “Yeah, yeah.” She rolls her eyes but chuckles. “Stay safe.”

  “I will. I’ll see you.” I give her one last hug and leave for Tyler’s house.

  My hands sweat, despite the cold, as I drive to his house. This adds a different dynamic to our relationship. A relationship that is still romantically new.

  I park in the driveway and see Tyler in the garage with the overhead door open. He smiles when he sees the car and walks towards me.

  “Hey,” he says when I step out of the car.

  “Hi.” He kisses my cheek. “I’m grabbing a couple more things.”

  “Okay.” I look towards the garage, my face scrunched.

  “Come on. We’ll take that car so leave your bag there.” I follow him through the garage as he grabs a clear container.

  “What are you doing?” I ask when he keeps walking through the house and up the stairs.

  “I’m packing up your art supplies to take them with us,” he says nonchalantly.

  “Oh, okay. I’ll help.”

  If I ever thought Tyler was a heartless asshole, I was so wrong. That was whom he wanted the world to see, but he’s thoughtful and caring. God forbid anyone knew that in the past. I had put little thought into my art while I am on the road, crossing it out as an option. He is making it one. That act alone is enough to make me believe that he will make me a priority, regardless of who is around and where we are.

  We get to the label where the bus is parked and nerves fill me. I see a lot more people than I imagined standing around and talking, loading the bus, and checking things out.

  “Are all these people going?”

  “No,” Tyler responds. “You’ll have a room to the back that is completely private with a door and lock. I made sure they added that in.”

  I turn my head, leaning it on the headrest, and look at him. “Thank you. Are they going to be upset that I have a room?”

  “Nah, the guys love the bunks.”

  “Yeah, right.”

  Tyler laughs and grabs a hold of my hand. “It’s going to work out, Red.”

  “I know. Everything will.” He grins and opens the door.

  “Tyler!” I hear someone say as I get out of the car with my bag.

  “Hi, Joe. You remember Mikayla.” Tyler shakes his hand and looks my way.

  “I do. Nice to see you again, Mikayla.” Joe smiles. Unlike the first time I met him, he seems much more respectful this time.

  “Likewise.”

  I walk with Tyler towards the bus to meet everyone else. They all seem nice enough when they greet me. Tyler continues to hold my hand as he talks to Joe and Dana about appearances that need to be done throughout the tour and catching up on some last-minute details.

  A second bus pulls up, and I see another group of men walking down the steps of the bus, which seems to be a little smaller, and stretch. They must be Rebel Desire. From what Tyler told me, they are a great group with their heads on straight. He seems to be proud of the work they’ve done.

  “Hey, Tyl
er.” One of the guys jogs up to him and shakes his hand. “Hi, I’m Cash.” He turns to speak to me, holding his hand out.

  “I’m Mikayla.” I stare at his hand a second, then his eyes, and shake his hand.

  “It’s nice to finally meet you.” He smiles genuinely, and I instantly like him. He’s one of the good ones.

  “Thanks. It’s nice to meet you,” I reply.

  “How did it go?” Tyler asks him.

  “Great. The New Year’s Eve event was good. I wish we had more time in town.”

  “Nothing about the girl?” I hear Tyler ask.

  “Nope.”

  “Patience, brother. It will all work out.”

  “I know,” he says somberly. “Anyway, sorry. No sobbing during this leg. I’m glad you’ll be joining us, Mikayla. Tyler is a great guy.” He nods his head and pats Tyler’s back before walking back to his bandmates.

  “He’s nice,” I say.

  “He’s a great person. His girlfriend broke up with him out of the blue, right before we left on tour. He hasn’t been able to get a hold of her.”

  “Damn.”

  “Yup. Don’t ever do that to me. I saw what he turned into and he has always been a good guy.”

  “You’re a good guy, too.” I touch his cheek.

  “I love you.” He chuckles. “I had to take a bottle away from him and tell him that wouldn’t help. Me. Taking a bottle of Jack away from someone else and getting rid of it.”

  “I’m proud of you,” I whisper and lean my head on his shoulder. “Are we ready?”

  “Hell, yeah. I’ll show you the bus.”

  Tyler shows me where everything is on the bus, not that there’s much to show. Everything is pretty open, except for the curtains covering the bunks and the back room. It has everything someone will need—a sofa built into it, a television, small table to eat or work on, mini-fridge, sink, microwave, and coffee maker. The essentials. It is much better equipped than I imagined.

  “It will look a lot smaller when the rest of the guys come on, but it is pretty spacious.”