The Demons We See

by Krista D. Ball

  “I mean that your talents were gifts from the Lord. And it is a grave sin to hide them in a cave from the world.”

  “I hide my talents, as you call them, so that I do not find myself hiding in those very caves as armed guards chase me, Father, and you know it.”

  “My child, you will be forced to choose a side.” He frowned. “Those who are not like you will not accept you, no matter how hard you try to be like them. You will never be one of them. You will always be an outsider. So it is your choice to stand with your own kind now or later. But, later, neither side will accept you.”

  “I have a duty and a responsibility to be fair and neutral in this.”

  “Sin is never fair, nor is it neutral.”

  “My magic is not a sin!”

  “I wasn’t talking of the magic, child, but of the hiding.” Father Michael shook his head. “By hiding your gifts, you are hiding the will of the Almighty.”

  “Father, that is the opposite of every sermon I’ve ever heard.”

  Father Michael chuckled. “Perhaps I’m mellowing in my old age. I shall not take any more of your time. I had only dropped by to see how you were feeling. You should rest more regularly. Did not Tasmin take two days of rest before she issued the order to plunge into the abyss?”

  “I believe her general drugged her to force her to sleep,” Allegra said wryly.

  “Then beware. Your generals might do the same thing,” Father Michael said, his eye twinkling. “Or, your captains.”

  “Thank you, Father. As ever, I appreciate your council and wisdom.”

  He smiled down at her, very paternalistically, but she found all priests did that. He turned and walked away.

  Father Michael was right about one thing: she would have to choose sides. Pero and Walter had been saying the same thing, in their own ways, for months now. Now, the father was saying it, too. She had to choose.

  By handing over petty criminals to the local authorities, she’d chosen to side against her own kind. She believed she had no choice in the matter, but it seemed she was alone in that belief. Even now, her own heart betrayed her. She should have done more to reduce the pressure the refugees’ arrival had caused. She should have not offered immediate sanctuary until there were more trusted troops to position in the town.

  She had no idea so many would brave the journey to Borro in the snow. She had no idea Cartossa would take to blatant enslavement of free mages, causing them to flee. She had no idea how bad things had become in Cartossa. She could have never known any of this.

  So why did she feel like she should have known? That she’d failed for not knowing, for not foreseeing these events. In the light of hindsight, they seemed all but certainties. She had not been nearly as smart as she’d thought she was. For all of her fine silks and kid leather gloves, she was still just a silly little girl hiding behind her father’s great name.

  Allegra stomped on that thought as immediate as it appeared in her mind. It was rubbish, and she knew it. A voice created by the exhaustion and stress of the situation. She reflected and realized she couldn’t remember the last time she’d gotten a full night’s rest without the use of restoratives or wine. Or had a few hours of peace and quiet to herself. Messengers came at all hours of the day and night. Even with her assistants and servants, there was simply too much work.

  ****

  “What do you think I should do?” Allegra was asking Walter that evening in front of her fire. She was bundled in a blanket, wrapped tightly around her shoulders, and held a mug of steaming broth.

  “Does it matter? I could tell you what to do, but you’d just do whatever you want.”

  “Fair enough,” Allegra said. “Remember when we used to do this?”

  Walter smiled. “It seemed simpler back then, didn’t it? Two mages against the world.”

  “I remember two very awkward children learning about life for the first time.”

  “It wasn’t all bad for you, was it?”

  Allegra smiled. “No, it wasn’t. I was young and scared and…I made a lot of choices that summer, but I don’t regret any of them.” She looked over at him. “I am sorry that my choices hurt you.”

  “I believe you,” he said quietly. “I still hate you for them, but some of that is because I thought you didn’t love me.”

  “I did love you.” Allegra turned back to the fireplace and sipped her broth. “I suppose I loved my privacy and isolation more.”

  “And I loved you,” Walter said. “And I suppose I loved my adventure and my politics more. Now look at us. Old and worn out.”

  “I’m not old,” Allegra said. She sipped more broth. “I just feel it some days. Walter, I have no idea what I’m going to do.”

  “You should go to Rainier tonight and fuck him until his eyes bleed.”

  Allegra laughed so hard she spilled the broth on her blanket. She hissed as some of it spilled on her hands and she alternated shaking the burning liquid off them. “Tempting, I admit.”

  “Then why don’t you? I’ve seen how he looks at you. He’d be willing.”

  “He is the captain of my guard! And he’s…”

  “Normal?” Walter said.

  “Normal,” Allegra agreed sadly.

  “Do you love him?”

  “I don’t know,” she lied.

  “I don’t believe you,” Walter said.

  “I find it interesting that you, of all people, are encouraging me to sleep with a normal. I remember your bold declarations that you would never let a normal touch you.”

  Walter shrugged. “The heart wants what it wants.”

  Allegra rolled her eyes. “I’m too old for trite.”

  “But never too old for tripe.”

  “You’re impossible.” She smiled at him. “Thank you for visiting this evening.”

  He shrugged. “I’ve not been as good of a friend to you as I should have been throughout this. I’ve asked way too much of you.”

  “That doesn’t make you unique from everyone else,” Allegra said. “It’s like we’re standing on a pyre waiting for lightning to hit. We’re wagering whose will be struck first. But it doesn’t matter because when one of us burns, we will all burn. I see our end and it is not glorious or heroic. It is covered in blood.”

  Walter was silent for a long moment before he said, very gently, “Whatever happens, always know you tried your best. No one person can stop what is coming. All we can do is reduce the innocents caught in the hurricane’s wake.”

  “Is that even enough anymore?”

  Walter didn’t answer.

  ****

  It had been a huge mistake to talk with Walter. They’d talked about the last three years of his life, of running from safe house to safe house. He’d told her about how he’d encountered a swarm of wasp-sized demons and, ever since, had been studying demon banishment. He’d told her that he’d met some who might eventually turn to demon summoning to defend themselves. Others he knew were doing it to entrap elementals in the highest form of hypocrisy: one elemental entrapping others. But they all could feel war in the air, so it came as no surprise that they were running scared and thinking only of themselves.

  That didn’t help Allegra sleep, however, for she had nightmares of monstrous creatures eating her alive. She tried sleeping with a lit candle, a dangerous prospect, but she’d hoped the light would help. Instead, it highlighted shadows on the walls. The faded world between awake and sleep would seize hold of those flickering shadows and haunt her, trapping her in a waking dream until she screamed and jolted herself out of it.

  She finally crawled out of bed and shoved on her warm dressing gown over her chemise and stockings that had fallen around her ankles in folds of embroidered fabric and ribbon. She glanced at the ticking clock on her mantelpiece and sighed. It was the middle of the night.

  She faced an insanely long week, with the arrival of Prince Mallencroft and his brother, and rival, Grand Duke Mersey. Not to be
forgotten, their half-brother, the Earl of Sandbridge, was also going to drop by because he was an abolitionist and, as Allegra suspected, was doing everything he could to stir up trouble for the brothers’ estates. As always, their petty sibling rivalry was ready to rip the powerful family apart, and the mages and servants were caught in the middle.

  Helping her would be Empress Ediva’s diplomatic envoy, Tipkin, a weasel-faced little man who made her skin crawl. Nevertheless, he was rumored to be exceptional at playing the role of the manipulator and the Empress sent him as a personal gift to Allegra. They’d met once as young girls.

  Serafina and Nathan were working on the details for the ball Allegra would be throwing in a month. The invitations had just gone out. Then, assuming it was a success, she’d throw another at the Cathedral during the summer and do it all over again.

  But none of that mattered because she couldn’t sleep. In fact, she was too terrified to sleep. What if these symbols began showing up on the main walls? What if more hostilities erupted and there was no stopping it? What if they found her out?

  She had to conquer her fears, and soon, or else she had to step down from her job. She left her room behind, not even sure where she was headed other than away from her nightmares. She gave her personal guard a nod and promised she’d only wander around her wing and would send for a servant if she wanted anything out of the kitchens. With limited options and the desire for both privacy and not to be alone, she eventually ended up in the barracks.

  Lex and Dodd, as well as one of the local militia whose name she didn’t know, sat on the floor playing cards. While it looked like they weren’t doing their job, they blocked the entrance down the corridor where the militia and Consorts lived. No matter how focused on their game they might have been, an intruder would have to step over their heads to get by them.

  Lex glanced up and frowned. While Lex had given her no indication anything had changed between them, Allegra had a nagging feeling something had happened the day she’d fallen asleep in the chair. Her hand was burning, a side effect of exhaustion and the dream. Lex had been standing right there, and Allegra was certain she’d been wakened by someone grabbing that hand.

  If Lex knew…

  But all Lex did was nod his head and say, “Captain’s room is at the end of the hallway.”

  Allegra hesitated. Was that actually where she wanted to go? What was she going to do when she got there? Maybe she should go back to her room.

  “I think he’d like to see you, if that’s…” Dodd shrugged.

  Lex sighed and elbowed Dodd, giving him a significant look.

  “Ow,” Dodd complained, all the while Lex kept his gaze straight ahead with a neutral expression plastered across his face.

  Allegra turned to head back to her room when Lex said, “He’s probably still up. He was playing cards with Father Michael and Pero until an hour ago.”

  Allegra pulled her robe a little tighter. She nodded to Lex and began to walk back down the corridor. She paused and said, “Um, could you not tell anyone I’m here, if they’re looking for me? Except for…what’s the name of the hairy guard that’s in my wing?”

  “Henry, Your Ladyship,” Lex said in that professional, neutral tone he so often used. “Don’t worry.”

  “It’s no one’s business what you do on your time off, Your Ladyship.”

  Lex glared at Dodd’s grinning face and Allegra realized, with great amusement, that Dodd’s entire behavior was never to embarrass the other person; it was solely meant to tease Lex.

  Allegra smiled at the young people and walked down the short corridor to Stanton’s bedroom. She looked back over her shoulder, but the other two were too absorbed with their own bickering to notice her.

  She knocked tentatively. “Um, Stanton? Are you awake?”

  She heard movement and a moment later, the door cracked open. Stanton winced at the light. “What’s happened?”

  He was shirtless and, from the way he was leaning away from the door, perhaps pantless as well. Allegra realized this was a very bad idea. Stupid Walter for putting this into her head.

  “I shouldn’t have bothered you, I’m sorry,” Allegra said.

  She turned to walk away, but Stanton reached out and touched her arm. “Stay. Give me a minute.”

  He shut the door for a brief moment and opened it again, wearing a white tunic that was long enough for decency, but barely. He opened his door and said, “Come in.”

  Allegra didn’t let her eyes linger on him, and Stanton didn’t turn his back to her. She stepped inside his bedroom, tugging her robe even tighter.

  Stanton rubbed the back of his neck, until he realized it tugged the hem of his tunic up to questionable lengths. He stopped and cleared his voice. “Is everything all right?”

  Allegra’s stoic expression cracked and she began to weep. Stanton didn’t speak. He simply stepped up to her and wrapped strong arms around her. She hated feeling frail, and here she was crying in a half-naked man’s arms. If this was not the definition of fragility…

  He brushed her hair away from her wet cheeks and made shushing sounds.

  “I’m sorry I keep picking fights with you lately. I’m so tired.”

  “Oh, Allegra. Don’t worry about that.”

  Allegra sniffled as she gained control over her tears. After an awkward moment of staring at each other, Allegra said, “I’m sorry I got you out of bed.”

  He motioned at the small settee near the window. “Have a seat. I will find trousers.”

  “I don’t mind,” Allegra said, the words tumbling out of her mouth before she’d even ran them by her brain.

  Stanton gave her a startled look, but he laughed and said, “Go sit.” He grabbed his trousers from a nearby chair. He turned his back to her and tugged them on. She looked out the window, giving him the dignity she’d want him to show her if their positions were reversed.

  She didn’t turn around when she heard his bare feet pad across the rug over to where she stood. “You have a nice room, considering the view of the stables.”

  A chair creaked behind her. “They wanted to put me upstairs with everyone else, but I told the bishop I wanted to be down here with the boys.”

  “And girls. You do have a few girls on your team, too.”

  Stanton chuckled. “Yeah, but boys and girls sounds like I’m running a parish school for children.”

  Allegra smiled, but barely. She was afraid to turn around. Afraid to speak. Afraid to do anything that would make her face too many new realities for her.

  “Spend the night. Take the bed, and I’ll take the chair. It’s comfortable enough.”

  She turned around to face him, not bothering to hide the surprise in her voice. “Why? I mean, no. You can’t sleep in the chair.”

  He raised an eyebrow. “Where would you like me to sleep then?”

  A hungry voice inside her whispered the best way to stop being afraid was to distract herself. What better way than with the captain of her guard? Stanton pushed himself up from his chair and stood very close. He didn’t touch her. He simply stared down at her. Raw need filled his eyes, and she did not care in the slightest that hers reflected the same.

  He touched her face. Just a gentle trail of the back of his finger along her cheek. Her heart pounded in her chest and a jolt of aching want filled her.

  “I’ll sleep in the chair,” she managed to force out.

  Stanton’s shoulders relaxed, though she couldn’t tell if it was in relief or disappointment. “I’ll take the chair. You have a lot of work to do in the morning and I won’t have you distracted.”

  “I am the Contessa of Marsina. I shall do as I please,” she said.

  “I am the Duke of Barrington and I outrank you. Now, take the bed, Your Ladyship.”

  Allegra smiled up at him and nodded. Being here with him made her less afraid. Besides, no one would dare march through the entire barracks wing just to attack her here. There were n
o mysterious symbols on the walls here. Just Stanton Rainier looking at her like she was the most beautiful woman in the world.

  Stanton picked up the heavy arm chair and began dragging it across the room.

  “Where are you going?”

  “There are enough obstacles ahead of you. Having people distracted by you staying here is an unnecessary one.”

  “I don’t care if people think I slept with you,” Allegra said. “I don’t care what anything thinks of me.” Provided they didn’t think she was an elementalist, she meant it.

  “Neither do I.” Stanton sighed and put the chair down. He leaned against it and said, “Allegra, right now, we both have very important jobs.”

  “I understand,” she said with a small smile. “It would have been nice, though. Throwing caution and reputation to the wind.”

  Stanton chuckled. “I’ll be right outside the door. Call if you need anything.”

  “I will. And Stanton? Thank you. For everything.”

  He opened the door and dragged the big, worn chair outside. He said, “When this is all over, we should talk about whatever this is.”

  Allegra’s heart flip-flopped. “I’d like that. Good night. Stanton.”

  “Good night. Allegra.”

  Chapter 25

  With exaggerated fanfare, the great Queen Portia arrived. She was a tiny thing, and spoke with an even tinier voice. General Bonacieux was a constant presence at her side, which drove everyone’s patience to the edge.

  Stanton braced himself against his small window and looked out on the bustle of the abbey’s back entrance. There wasn’t enough room for all of the carriages in the stable, so the sturdy ones with covered boxes were expertly lined up in a row further off from the abbey. He assumed the open carriages were moved to the strong awning that stretched out on that side of the abbey that served to protect the windows and stonework from the occasional rock slide that happened on the rear of the building.

  Things had been complicated since the night Allegra came to him. He pressed his hands against the window frame and focused on controlling his breath. They both agreed in their own ways that they had duties to preform that were more important than anything else. And yet, by saying that, they’d both acknowledged that there was something going on between them.