“Best you not do that,” Stanton said. “I believe you are expecting guests in the morning.”
She sighed. “I’m always expecting guests.”
He placed his items on the floor. He blew out the candle and put it by the fireplace. Then he took up a position on the worn sofa. He didn’t sit directly next to her, but didn’t choose the side chair, either. Tonight, well, he didn’t know what to expect, but he knew Allegra well enough to know she would want him close.
Or, maybe it was just his own wants he was listening to.
“I didn’t know this existed,” he said. He looked around at the little room she’d arranged with the storage items. There was a rug on the floor and the worn sofa they sat on, large enough for someone to comfortably sleep on – even someone his size. The fireplace was old, but clean, and there was plenty of wood. There was a little table next to Allegra with a decanter of a golden liquid, and two crystal goblets. One was still empty. “This is quite the little getaway.”
“Nadira helped me make it months ago,” she said. She poured him a drink and he accepted it.
“Do you come here often?”
“All of the bloody time.”
“How do you get in here, without anyone seeing?”
“There’s a servant entrance in my prayer closet. I came in through that door over there.” She pointed to what appeared to be a shelf of books.
“You’ve been sneaking around the abbey for months now, haven’t you?”
She gave him a ghost of a smile. “Not as much as you’d think, actually. There’s no way into the servant entrances without going past guards and other servants, and, well, everyone’s a little protective over strangers in the corridors these days.”
“Do you…come here alone?”
She eyed him. “Yes.”
“Why am I here today?”
“Because, for once in my life, I simply wish to be me. No rank, no position, no magic. Just me,” she gulped. “And I realized that I wanted to share that with someone. Just for one night.”
If it were any other woman, Stanton would think she meant sex. However, Allegra had been very careful about intimacy.
“I’d be honored to share this time with you.”
Allegra quietly sipped her brandy as Stanton took the bread she’d procured from the kitchen. The scullery maid had kindly cut the bread and found her some butter and a spreading knife. Then, packed it all into a small basket along with some additional supplies. The poor girl had packed enough for a party, but perhaps she’d assumed Allegra was hosting one.
She didn’t speak, and Stanton filled the silence with amusing stories about the times Dodd and Lex had drunkenly made toast in the barracks and caught Lex’s boot on fire. Allegra loved Stanton’s stories, though she noticed he told very few of his own. She wondered if he was modest, or if he couldn’t find the humor in his life. Or maybe, like her he had no true friends.
Part of her had hoped he wouldn’t come. She needed the company, but she also worried that he could not provide the safety she needed. All she wanted was to curl into a ball and cry in his strong, comforting arms.
“This is very tricky,” Stanton said. “I’m not used to cooking for more than just myself.”
“Provided it isn’t burnt black, I’ll eat it.”
“Don’t distract me. I’m concentrating.”
Allegra smiled at him, even if he had his back turned to her. It was one of the rare moments Stanton was out of uniform. His jacket was gone, as was his sword and belt. This was the first time she’d ever seen him about the abbey without it, and he looked naked somehow. More vulnerable. Of course, there was a rather large ax mounted on the wall, so if would-be assassins came after her in this secret place no one knew about, Stanton could defend her.
Stanton’s long-sleeved tunic was embroidered about the neck with green ivy. His gray wool trousers she’d seen before, whenever his usual uniform was in the wash.
“So who knows about this place?”
Allegra tucked her legs up under her simple shift and dressing gown, and leaned against the sofa’s armrest. “No one knows about it, except for Nadira and one of the chambermaids. She’s never told anyone, that I know of. She makes sure there is wood and cleans the fireplace for me. Everyone else seems to think this is just another storage closet for old things that no one ever looks at anymore.”
“But…why?” he asked, pulling the golden, buttered bread from the iron. “Hot! Hot! Hot! Hand me your plate.”
She passed both to him and he began to organize toast, a slice of cake, and some preserves on each. Allegra drew in a breath, and then took a sip of her brandy. It burned going down, but it was numbing the harsher edges. “Here, there are no servants attending me. No guards. No priests. No sisters. There are no expectations on me here. I can be whoever and whatever I want. Here, I’m simply Allegra and no one else. I’m not even a mage here.”
Stanton let out a sigh and said, “Then shall I just be Stanton? Just another man sitting in front of a fire after a hard few days.” He glanced at her. “A lucky man. Allegra?”
“Hmm?”
“How are you?”
There was a lot of weight to the question. Not nearly as simple as fine or horrible, depressed or elated. She didn’t even know what she was feeling.
“Would you believe me if I said fine?”
He handed her back the plate. “Probably not.”
He joined her on the sofa and began to eat silently, letting her lead the conversation. He didn’t push. He never did. That was one of the reasons she loved him.
Allegra took a sharp breath at that stray thought. It was Walter’s doing to put that damn thought in her head, but there it was and there was no point denying it to herself. Stanton didn’t even need to know, and she could admire him from up close, and yet, so far away.
“I’m having trouble sleeping. I keep seeing their faces every time I close my eyes.” Allegra looked away from the fire. “I have nightmares.”
“Understandable,” he said. “Soldiers all experience the same thing.”
“I’m not a soldier.”
“No, your job is immeasurably worse for you hold everyone’s lives in your hands. I do not envy you. My job is difficult enough, and I only have to keep my eyes on you at all times.”
“I can’t be that hard to look at, Captain.”
A warm, low chuckle escaped his throat. “You are very easy to look at, Your Ladyship.”
Allegra smiled. She knew it was sad, but she tried to force as much mirth into it as she could. “Always the gentlemen. I suppose we will let you keep your title one more day.”
When her smile faltered, he touched her arm, very gently. “I’m so sorry you had to do what you did. If there was a way to take that pain from you, I would have gladly done it.”
“I believe you,” she said honestly. “But…Stanton, did I have to do it? Did I have to hand over people like Little Ferret and the others? Was there a loophole for mercy?” She shut her eyes against the tears. “My actions condemned innocent men and women to their deaths. And, in doing so, I condemned even more to their deaths when others took justice into their own hands.”
“Do you remember when we first met? You asked about the village that had been attacked by the assassins.”
“I remember. You didn’t want to talk about it.”
“I never want to talk about anything that happened those few days. I…I still have nightmares. I see the faces of my friends dead on the ground. I see the dead villagers I couldn’t save. I relive being attacked.” He sighed. “It’s not as bad as it used to be. The edges have blurred now and I have a lot of distance from it.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“I’m not telling you for sympathy. I’m telling you because I understand. You cannot make any rash decisions right now because you are still coping with the shock and grief of what happened. But, while those faces might never completely go away, you
’ll be able to bear them in time. You’ll have other dreams, and eventually you’ll have some pleasant ones.”
“I can hardly compare you being in battle with me sitting in a room playing judge, jury, and executor.”
“The causes aren’t the same, but the results are similar.”
“I’m not sure I believe that, but thank you all the same.”
They ate their toast and sipped their brandy. Little conversation passed between them, yet Allegra enjoyed the company. Stanton stoked the fire a couple of times and stacked it well to keep the area nice and cozy.
The brandy was doing its trick and her pain turned fuzzy. Stanton asked her a question about her estate. She asked him a question about his. More silence. She offered more brandy. He accepted. Silence.
“Stanton, have you ever been with a…” The words tumbled out of Allegra and it was too late when she caught herself. She grimaced and looked away. “Forgive me. I seem to have lost my manners in this brandy.”
“Have I been with a woman?” He looked at her and smiled. “Is that what you were asking?”
“The intimacy of the moment overtook my good judgment. Again, I apologize.”
“I think we are good enough friends that we can ask each other those types of questions. And, yes, I have been with a woman before. Not many, but a few. Though, it has been a very long while.”
“A handsome, rich, heroic figure like you? Why ever not?”
“No one had caught my eye,” Stanton said. He stared up at her and Allegra held her breath. If Stanton had been a mage, or even a sympathizer, she would have stripped herself bare for him by now. In fact, even knowing his opinions, she still wanted to pull her shift over her head and let him see her silhouetted in the firelight.
Would he find her attractive? Would the smooth curve of her hips catch his eye? Would he want to run his hands along her small, settled breasts? Would he kiss her? Love her?
“I’m not like Dodd. I need…I need more than a nice pair of breasts to entice me into someone’s bed.”
“I doubt Dodd needs a bed,” Allegra said, her lips quirking into a smile. “A firm wall would surely do.”
“Why did you want to know?”
“I have assumed you’d been with a woman. I had meant to ask if you’d ever been with a mage before.”
Stanton began breathing, only his breaths were ragged. “Once.”
Allegra closed her eyes. She couldn’t tell if that was the answer she wanted or not. Was there even a right answer at this point? All she wanted was…
She sighed. “Was she special to you?”
“She was my first love,” he said, very gently. “I adored her. We had lost touch with each other for a number of years, but eventually our paths crossed again at the Cathedral. We are now frequent writers.”
“Oh,” Allegra said, crestfallen. She had not considered he might be actual friends with any mages, intimate enough for him to ask questions of. She could never hide her situation from him. She had been foolish to even think she could.
Stanton misunderstood her disappointment because he said, “She is married now to the Marquis of Ramsgate.”
“I’ve never met him,” Allegra said absently.
“I met him once. He seems a good sort of man,” he said. “So, I’m very unattached, in case that was your question.”
Allegra looked up at him. “It wasn’t.”
“No?”
“Well…” She gulped. “I assumed as much, as you, um, never speak of any charming young ladies.”
“I’m too old for young ladies,” he said quietly. “Charming women, however, still catch my eye on occasion.”
“I am sure there are several charming women here for the negotiations.”
He touched her cheek with the back of his hand. “I’ve only noticed one, but she said she wasn’t interested.”
Allegra closed her eyes so that she didn’t have to look into his intense gaze. She wanted more than anything to give in right now, to tug on his trouser buttons, to pull down his suspenders, to rip at the buckle. It had also been way too long since she’d been interested in someone, and months of being in love with the captain of her guard had done nothing to quell the needs of both her heart and her body.
Could she risk giving in? She could lose everything. No man was worth her life, not even one she’d fallen in love with. At least, that had always been her stance. Never be with a man who wasn’t a mage. Never be with someone she couldn’t inherently trust.
Did she not trust the man tasked with her safety? How could she trust him with her life, when she didn’t trust him with her body?
“I believe it’s your turn,” Stanton said. “Have you ever been with a man, mage or not?”
Could she lie? Could she pretend to know nothing and be scared? No, she couldn’t. There was a maturity in her passion that even she recognized. Shyness and nervousness were very different from lack of experience. She knew exactly what they were doing right now.
She knew the dance steps very well, as did Stanton. She leaned into his hand and said in a whisper, “I’ve only ever been with mages. They are the only men I’ve ever trusted.”
The sound that escaped him was pure anguish. “Why?”
“A regular man who beds a mage has only to worry about his ego. A mage has to worry about her very life if she angers him. I could not risk a man threatening to call me an elemental.”
“You and Cram?
She gave him a sad smile. “Yes.”
He pulled his hand away and said, “Ah.”
“No, Stanton, it isn’t like that, the way everyone assumes. He despises me. Or, at least he used to. Our departure was very difficult. We have yet to find our way back to the friendship we once had, and I doubt we ever will.”
“For that, I am sorry. It must have been hard for you.”
“I regret what happened between us, but…Walter hated me by the end. His parting words were that he wished me to suffer the same pain I’d caused him. But, as angry as he was, I never feared or imagined that he’d call me an elemental. None of us would do that to our worst enemies.”
“That sounds isolating.”
“But safe.”
Stanton pulled himself closer to her. He slipped a hand over hers as they rested on her thigh. His fingers brushed her legs and her breath hitched in her throat. “You would be safe with me. I give you my word of honor as a gentlemen. I would never call you that or endanger your life by using that word.”
She wanted to believe him. She could kiss him right now, and forget everything. Wasn’t that why she invited him here? Why had she invited him here?
Because she loved him and her defenses were gone. There was nothing left in her that held the energy to fight. She was vulnerable. She knew it. He knew it, she was certain, which was why he hadn’t pulled her on top of him and ceased this endless prattle.
He touched her face and said, “Promise to give me a chance to prove you can trust me.”
“What if I were an…” Her voice trailed off. She was too dangerously close to telling him.
“My dear Allegra, you aren’t one, so there is no reason to worry. And there is no reason to believe I would debase myself and hurt you so horribly as to accuse you, and send you to your end.” He leaned forward and whispered in her ear, “You must know me better than that by now.”
She closed her eyes, but the tears still escaped. She let them fall, and remained as silent as possible. The hurt was too great.
“Besides,” he whispered into her ear, “I thought you weren’t a mage tonight.”
And that was all she needed him to say.
****
Stanton struggled to keep his need in check with Allegra’s uncertainty. He wanted to push her up against the wall and tear her dress off her. He wanted to pull her torn bodice down to her waist. He wanted to run his tongue along her flesh until she moaned and cried out underneath him. But no matter how much his
own body wanted to control the situation, his compassion and his love for her overruled his desires.
He gingerly placed both hands on her jaw, to cup her face. Just a soft pressure. He couldn’t imagine what this woman had seen to make her so afraid. There was firsthand knowledge, firsthand pain that had scarred her. He saw it in her eyes. He dared not ask, not yet. All of these months and he was still struggling to gain her trust. What had been done to her?
She wanted to trust him. Of that he was certain. He could also see the lust in her eyes. There was a string tied to both of their hearts and it tugged whenever they were out of sight of the other. That string would never be satisfied until she was atop him.
He ran his bristly cheek along the smoothness of hers and her fingers tightened. Still, she did not make any move to encourage him further, so he waited. He could wait for her. For her, he could wait the rest of his life.
“Besides, I thought you weren’t a mage tonight.”
Her expression changed abruptly. She cocked her head as if working through what life as a normal would mean for her, here in this moment between them.
Allegra stood, pulling herself away from Stanton’s embrace. She slipped her long robe from her shoulders and it pooled on the floor. The chill in the air hit her flesh and her nipples hardened and pressed the thin linen of her shift. She pulled the thin fabric up over her head and dropped it to the floor shaking out her hair as she did it.
Almighty’s mercy. She was beautiful.
****
Allegra gulped down the fear in her throat and walked over to the unmoving Stanton. She knelt down on him and slipped her hands into the cushions behind his head. If she faltered in her control, the sofa would hide the evidence. With the firelight flickering and the cushions as protection, this would be her only chance.
She pushed aside the screaming voice of common sense about this being the absolute worst idea of her life and listened to the voice that said how much she wanted to exist without purpose or pressure. So she reached down and unbuckled the belt about his waist. Stanton’s eyes were wide and he was breathing roughly. He wasn’t even touching her.
The Demons We See Page 31