Walking to the window, I place her down in the chair so the night’s air can wash over her as I get the bath ready, nice and hot, full of bubbles and that nice fancy body wash that smells like vanilla and coconut.
I catch a glimpse of my face in the mirror as I head out of the bathroom, stopping in front of it I pull a face, poking at the angry dark rings under my eyes, the stubble that’s forming into a mess over my jaw, my hair is a mess, fuck I’m a mess. I shake my head at my thoughts, fuck it who cares. Walking back over to where I left her sitting I see that she has turned slightly so her vision isn’t looking out at the fairy lights below that are wrapped around the big Umberrlla tress that are dotted through the field below the house anymore.
“You ready bub?” I ask, looking into her eyes as I pull the window closed.
She doesn’t answer, instead she shuts her eyes, shutting me out again. I pull her into me letting out a deep breath. I don’t know how much more of mute Blue I can take, stalking to the bathroom I place her on the small stool Nan has put in there for her. I strip her off, she helps automatically, lifting her arms so I can pull her top up, moving her head, lifting her bum so I can pull her sweats free, but its all machenical. There is no feeling behind any of her movments. Stepping back I admire the beautiful woman in front of me taking in all her beauty, scars, bruises, cuts and marks. I don’t take my eyes off her as I strip in front of her, pulling her into my arms, I step into the big oversized bath, the hot water tingling my claves, as I lower us both into the water, the bubbles lap up around us, a small gasp escapes her split lips as the water washes over her body, pushing my body back to the end of the tub I pull her around, so she is sitting between my legs wrapping my arms around her silky smooth body I draw small circles on her thigh under the bubbles, she tenses as I do so, but I do not let up. I need to show her that she is safe. Breathing her in I slowly whisper into her ear, “I won’t walk around on eggshells with you anymore baby. I know you're hurting, I know you’ve seen things, done things you’re not proud of, but baby, please you have to let me in. This mute thing is grating on me. All the flinching and the eye shutting whenever I’m near, it fucking hurts babe like no shit really hurts. Please Blue let me in, let me love you back, let me bring you home from the dark place. You no longer need to take up residence with the devil. I’m your demon in the light, I’m all you need. You are my ‘Junkie Love’, my mind and my body crave you like there’s no tomorrow. My heart beats just for you now, you're somebody that I want to get lost in, I want you to take my hand in the middle of this crisis and walk with me, out of this fire into the start of a new beginning just us. No demons. No nightmares. No terror. Just you and I. Blue I fucking love you, like really love you and baby it scares the fuck out of me, but I’m not going to leave. I want to know you from the inside out baby, I want you for ever.”
Pulling the bottle of whiskey, I had brought in and put on the side of the big oversized tub to my lips, I take in a long gulp. I love the burn as it slides down my throat reminding me I am alive and not dreaming this shit right here is real and it’s happening whether we like it or not. Running my hands up over her navel to her collarbone, I take yet another deep pull of the whiskey as I breathe into the back of her head.
“Baby another shot of whiskey and I’m about to lose control. I need you, now like really need you, I’m falling too. I’m also lost in the dark, I don’t want you to feel this pain anymore, I want you to come back, come back to me, I need you as much as you need me, I can’t do this without you baby, I’m so scared to be lonely again and hate myself for not being able to save you in time.”
Kissing the back of her head softly my hands fall under the water and to her sides. Opening my mouth and shutting it again I try to calm my racing heart. I need to get my tone in check sucking down the coolness of the air around me I try again to reach her
“Baby please, talk to me. Look at me not fucken through me.”
With a deep breath, her body stills as pain racks through it letting go in my arms her hands find my fingers under the water and wrap around them. Her mouth opens and the sweet sound of her Irish accent sounds out around us like music to my ears. God I have missed the sweet sound of her voice.
“Whiskey and white lies, that’s what I hear coming from your lips. Satan calls for me daily, save your lovely arms and kisses for a soul who bleeds, crimson red, not midnight black. I allow the darkness in at night to erase the pain, of yet another day in a mortal world of dysfunction, memories, punishments, for loving and trusting. Caring and letting ones in, it tears me apart. I’m a burden upon one's soul. Viper he had no fucken mercy, he consumed all the air from my lungs, he allowed me to rip the skin from my bones being filled up daily with the false love of a needle. I’ll tear you apart with the anger boiling up in me. I’m setting you free because I love you, and I don’t need you to be pulled down and drowned with someone like me! My demons are too much this time, they will drown you and yours.” she pushes all that out with such pain and anger in her voice that my body ripples with pain and agony at the extream physical and mentally suffering she has gone through. My own anguish for her soul qivers out into the water around us as I silently vow once again to banish this Viper to the firy depths of hell.
Shutting my eyes, I breathe in deep “ You’re not alone, I’ll not allow you to walk alone I shall pull you from this drug slumber your body’s in, my shadow will stay. Just as you said yours would once before. Baby it's ok I taught my demons how to swim.” I say to her turning her slightly in my arms as I bring my eyes to meet hers.
“So, with you, I shall live, even if it means in this abyss of hate, my vital signs still tell me I’m alive as long as I have you,” holding her tight, I need her we need this.
Chapter Eighteen
Blue
Sighing I turn in his arms looking deep into the eyes of this man who is fighting so hard to pull me back into the vortex he possesses.
“Maybe just maybe your love can roar louder, than my demons. I see that you love me, I do, you love me like my demons do, but you see it's safe in here. I like this dark I have wrapped myself in, the fire from my burning soul is the comfort I need. and the pain I see in youreyes each time you look at me , and the reflection of myself I see in them has me hating myself and Viper more and more. It make me feel sick, each time the bile rises up and I can taste it on the back of my tounge, I’m not what you need.” Tears are streaming down my face, both our eyes begging each other to just hold on and breathe to be strong but I can’t be. The battle has already been fought and Viper, well he won. I know I need to find my way back but time is what I need and well times not on my side.
Pulling him to me, I place my face onto his shoulder shaking in terror I let the tears flow.
“I will try,” I say through body racking sobs. “Please be patient. I can’t handle this I’m barely sitting above the water now. I can’t handle another disappointment. If you plan to stay I need you to be patient.” My voice is a crack, barely audible over my heavy breathing and thudding heart.
He pulls me tight to him. I feel the urge of not wanting to let me go for the fear that I may just drown under the weight of Viper, but in this moment when his arms caress my body and hold me, like really hold me I feel the glass that surrounds me break and fall down around us as my soul allows little bits of him back in.
Sitting there together in this big bath, so close, but so far away, it feels as though I’m drowning, still in this drug induced haze. He’s so patient with me, gently he washes my hair, softly washing body wash over my body. It sends chills of sweetness down my broken body, he is placing tiny kisses over my back and neck. I never thought I’d find anyone like him, someone that could get a girl like me, see through this hard exterior. I wish that I can come back to him, whole, not this broken girl, sitting in his strong, forgiving arms. There’s a fire in him wanting to pull me free, break me out of this and mend me back piece by shattered piece. I’m worried though. I’m worried that if he digs
deep into the story of BlueJames and her dark passion for drugs and dancing, it may change his mind. Will he still want to fix someone so tainted, one who has been played, beat by beat, dancing to the strum of a needle leaving tiny scars, a reminder of the sweet taste left behind by a liquid that holds the power, to allow a soul to roll in the deep ashes of hell.
I’m no longer real, no longer me, I am now a stranger to him, this soul gone! Bless his sweet hands the fire in his touch seeps into my cold bones trying so hard to pull me back, to pull me free of the dark, to bring me back, but what to? My shattered mind and heart are waring with each other. My heart wants to come back, but my mind is filled with disappointment, the shame. Could my heart win, I don’t think so! He needs someone who hasn’t been touched by the devil but loved solely by white light Angels. Losing myself in the bubbles and hot water, I allow my body to relish in his touch. For once I won’t flinch even if it burns like hell, I’ve never been scared of a man's touch before, but I sure as shit am now and how do I explain that to him.
“Baby I’m going to stay here with you in my arms, I won’t let go. Together we will set fire to this pain and what will be left will be you! A strong ass woman.” I tell her as she sinks back into me father allowing me in.
“Baby you know what?” I ask her
“Mmm what?” she breathes out, her voice still a rasp.
“You’re here, you're alive, we won. So let me in, cry, weep, scream, hit, kick, scratch, claw if you have to. I’m still going to be here after the sun has set and the dark rolls in. A little dark doesn’t scare me nor will the hot burn. I’ll get inside your pain if it means me having you, I’ll allow the fire to lick my skin leaving a trail its wake, cos you're worth every ounce of pain.”
She shudders the water chilling off around us. I flick the tap up and allow hot water to fill up around and steam to fill our lungs. “I know the darkness that consumes you, I know how haunted you are by demons with friendly faces. I know you can’t do it alone, so I’m willing to step into this horror with you, let me, I’m not going to bail. I’m willing to take the risk and allow my demons to dance with yours there will be times when we will feel as though we are falling apart, but the fire will bring us back, this here, this beat of my heart is strong enough for us both. You need to remember me, I can’t do this without you, I’m not willing to walk without you. I’ve lost one Angel already to the light, I won’t allow the dark to calm you. So, fight, give it up, take my hand and surrender to me, to this, to us. I won’t let you down I promise. Blue, you are my soul and I need you to survive.”
He says this all to me without skipping a beat. I can feel the pain flow from him to me as he lays small kisses on my shoulder. I still at the act of love, my mind is still haunted by rape and coldness. His movements pull me from the dark place my mind was going as he steps from the bath and water gushes up around me. Laying back I let it take me. Watching him dry himself mesmerizes me and captivities my senses. I love this man I do. I know I do. I can feel it somewhere, down there deep, locked away. Wrapping the towel around his waist he leans down picking me up under my armpits and pulls me from the water, sitting my wet and warm body on the stool, before slowly, yet delicately, drying my body off. He stands to throw the towel into the hamper and grabs a clean, warm one from the towel rack wrapping it around me. Picking me up, he carries me into the bedroom and places me down to the marshmallow soft bed looking into my eyes a small smile forms on my face.
“Don’t move, I’ll grab you some clothes.” He says with a small sound of humour in his voice. In that moment, I know I want to fight for him, for us. He walks away, and I pull myself up following him flinching at the pain this small movement causes me. Bringing my arms up around his waist he stills letting out a breath.
“I’m sorry, baby,” I mouth into his bare skin.
“Sorry for what?” He questions me.
“Everything,” I say knowing the worst is about to come. My body is aching and the methadone they give me is only just holding the dope sickness at bay.
Turning in my arms and grabbing both sides of my face in his hands pulling me into his lips he kisses me ever so lightly. I close my eyes and breathe in his scent as his flesh gently rubs over mine. Pulling a top-down from behind me he places it over my body. Dropping down he motions me to step inside my panties, pulling them up his eyes burn with the hungry need to have me. But I know he will not push me until I am ready. My heart expands a little more. Running my fingers through his hair the motion small yet painful as it pulls on my broken ribs. Knox steps back out of my reach as he sees the pain flicker over my face. Reaching up and grabbing down his sweats and boxers he puts them on his massive body. Every muscle is prominent and catches the light like he’s made from the gods. Ushering me back to the bed he places me in it, down under the covers.
“I’m going to grab some water.” Nodding my head at him he walks from the room leaving me alone with nothing but the smell of him and empty space. Closing my eyes, I think to myself that maybe just maybe I have turned a corner tonight. Sleep takes me before he comes back and I don’t know he’s even in the room until I hear the ragged labored breathing of him working out by the window. Moving around the room, in and out of the light and dark, sweeping movements fill every space, like he is fighting a demon no-one can see, taunting him, drawing him out. I love to watch him train. He’s done it every night since he starting staying with me not thinking I know. Soon he’ll stop and reach for water tilting his head back and in one movement he will take the whole bottle, its contents sliding down his throat as it sends out a ripple of Goosebumps over his hard taunt muscles covered in sweat glinting in the light from the lamp in the corner of the room. It’s never off he keeps it on always so I’m never in the dark. He will then grab his towel and have a shower and cry. I hear him weeping night after night, it mirrors my own sobs, sobs that I do when he's not here. Closing my eyes, I wait for him to finish. He will lean down, brush my hair from my face and kiss my temple “I love you, baby.” He will whisper to me. He says that every night before he stalks over to the chair where he will sit allowing the clean and crisp night air to whip around our room peaceful and cold. He will look out at the night in front of him and do it for hours, and hours
Closing my eyes, I sink back down into the bed and allow the night to take me. I pray the nightmares stay away tonight. I like the darkness sleep brings there is something in that feeling of not knowing your surroundings, not seeing the color of life around you as you sleep. There is something in the unknown that’s peaceful, and there is something unspoken in the dark, something I can’t really ever put into words. Something terrifying yet so bloody beautiful. I wonder if I can fully come back to him and his love without the scary dark temptation to run. How will I come back from this evil that consumes my body to the life that was mine alone. To alive filled with the people I didn’t want to live without, now all I have is a blanket of hate, anger, and a soul-shattering itch to get high and live in the abyss of false love dancing with the devil. Now that’s where I need to be, not here holding him back tainting his life with my drugs and withdrawals, screaming night terrors and hate for mankind. I wish for one more hit of the drug that my body craves. For now, though I let the night take me. Shutting my mind down I fall into the dark.
Knox
Falling into bed next to her I run my fingers over her face down her neck stopping at all the marks on the way, kissing each one, in turn. She wakes to my touch, stilling, fear gripping her from the inside out. “Baby it's me.” I breathe into her neck. When my voice registers, she slowly lets out her breath. Coming up onto my hands and knees I straddle her sinking down light enough not to hurt her but push her tiny body deeper into the bed. Her eyes pop open, I see everything in them. I look deep into them moss green eyes. I fucken love her eyes.
“Baby how would you feel if I told you that I love you? Scars, demons and all, I’ll take my time with you, but I want just you, it’s always been you. I see it all now so clear
ly.” Leaning back into her pelvic bone and running my hands down over her skin under her shirt I feel the ripple of Goosebumps break out as she takes in a sharp gasp of air and her beautiful eyes water from the pain.
“Blue you're my favourite thing, you're my air, my breath, my soul. I can’t wait to fall asleep with you every night just so you can be the first thing that I see each and every day when I wake up. I see you in everything here, in every place I look at. You are inthe stars in the sky, the sun, the moon, the breeze, all of it I always see you. You live in my dreams every night, you have taken her place it’s just you, you need to see it, believe me when I speak it to you it was hard for me to love again, but I fucking did, and it’s you. I LOVE YOU!! Just you baby always, forever till the sun goes down on me and the moon doesn’t rise I’ll be your forever if you’ll be mine.” Taking her face into my hands I slowly, very slowly, bring my lips down onto her still cracked and split ones, kissing her in the softest kiss. Looking deep into her eyes, I see my Blue in there deep down. I see her fighting her way back to me, clawing, but still there. A tear leaves her eye, I follow it as it runs down her cheek, falling so silently down her neck, before rolling off her. I wrap her in my arms tight breathing her deep into me.
“It’s going to be ok baby I got you, we got this, together we fight.”
Chapter Nineteen
Blue
I awaken hot sticky and wet from the withdrawals and night sweats. They fucken suck. My body is still sore, I roll my head to the side and I meet the beautiful sleeping face that belongs to my very own Greek God he really is, strong Jaw, high cheekbones, and his hair is every woman’s envy. I’m sure of it. It’s lush, long brown with the sun-kissed streaks. I love this man, running my finger over his jawline and his stubble, it sets my heart on fire in a good way, not a dark way, it’s a feeling I always want to cherish, to hold and keep, but I’m broken now beyond repair. Slipping my legs free from under his body weight, I release myself from him. I don’t want to wake him, he needs to sleep after the hell I’ve put him through, he was right there through every nightmare I have had, he has rocked me and soothed me through the nights. Finally I unwrap myself from his sleeping frame, pulling on some sweats and slipping my feet into my slippers I head downstairs silently. I don’t want to wake anyone, I know Nan is up here somewhere, she hasn’t left and Arlam and miss mystery are also here somewhere. I can’t believe Arlam is here and back. I need to pull myself out of this funk to find out why and how. I also want to talk to little miss mystery, see what she knows of hotel terror and the evil that lives inside. It’s time I start getting my life back together.
Fractured Promises (Reapers Reign, #2) Page 28