He Loves Lucy

by Susan Donovan

  “I know.”

  Gia sighed. “But I met someone in. New York last month. He’s incredible. You’ll love him. I brought him home with me.”

  Lucy felt her eyes go wide with surprise. “Like a puppy from the pound?”

  “Ooh, girlie, listen to me when I tell you that this man is no puppy!”

  The door opened. It was Theo. “You’re not supposed to be in here, Altamonte. Get back to the green room.”

  Gia got up and acted all huffy as she strutted to the door. “But it’s OK for you, Theo-dorable? You’re allowed? How come you’re allowed? Who crowned you king?”

  Lucy laughed.

  “Just go back to the green room.” Theo turned Gia in the right direction and then grinned at Lucy. He’d obviously gone for a more formal look today himself-a white cashmere knit sweater and a pair of charcoal gray pleated slacks, plus a discreet little bandage applied lengthwise along his stitches. Lucy had indeed gotten used to seeing Theo’s charming face, but it didn’t mean she appreciated it any less.

  “Are you looking at my bruise?” He lightly touched his brow. “I probably shouldn’t stand too close to you on the set-we’ll clash.”

  Lucy smiled at him. “Hi, Theo-dorable.”

  He checked behind him in the hallway, then closed the door. In a flash he was leaning on the armrest of Lucy’s chair and kissing her, his lips warm and soft and more demanding than she’d felt since before she’d kicked him. He was apparently gaining back the use of his facial muscles.

  “You doing OK, Cunningham?” He left little kisses all over her forehead. “You up for this?”

  She nodded. “I am.”

  “Well, he’s here, baby. Brad Zirkle is down the hall. They put him in a separate room.”

  Lucy felt a hot rush of fear move through her, but it didn’t stay long, and its passage only gave her a burst of energy. “I’m ready to rumble.”

  Theo laughed and pulled her to her feet, then hugged her hard. “No kicking. No punching. No cussing.”

  “You’re no fun anymore.”

  He chuckled, releasing her and holding her by her shoulders. He leaned his forehead against hers and whispered, “I can’t wait to show you just how fun I really am.”

  There was a knock on the door, and it was time.

  “It’s time to WakeUp Miami!” Lucy was an expert at this by now, and she gestured broadly toward the set and the band took it as their cue to start up and the crowd went crazy. The audience today was a sea of white T-shirts with red hearts and lettering that proclaimed: We Love Lucy!

  Lucy had already spotted a few guests of note in the studio that morning. Doris sat in the second row, engaged in nonstop conversation with Tyson. Stephan, Maria, Barry, and Veronica were in the back left section, and Lola was sitting by herself in the far right corner, looking pissed.

  The producers of this extravaganza had apparently decided that chronological order wouldn’t be dramatic enough, so John Weaver and Carolina Buendia brought out everyone but Brad Zirkle, including family members, to childhood teachers, to friends from junior high and high school, to Lucy’s first boss in Pittsburgh. In between there were softball teammates and a Girl Scout leader and a horse trainer and Gia Altamonte and even Buddy.

  Lucy was thirsty and hot and her stomach was in knots when they took a final commercial break.

  “Don’t go away, Miami,” Carolina cooed. “When we come back, we’ll have a shocking surprise confession that Lucy may want to hear…” She patted Lucy’s knee. “And then what we’ve all been waiting for-we’ll get the skinny on this month’s weight loss! Can she do it with only one month to go? Don’t go away!”

  During the break, the makeup technician blotted Lucy’s damp forehead and let her take a swig of water. Theo stood at the edge of the set, his arms crossed over his chest, his face serious. She gave him the thumbs-up sign and he winked at her.

  When Brad Zirkle walked onto the set, Lucy felt her head swim and her vision fail-then she remembered to breathe. He sat down in the chair right across from her, his eyes focused on his shoes. He wore an expensive business suit and a red-and-white-striped dress shirt with cuff links and a silk tie. He held a little blue book and a piece of folded notebook paper in his hand. Lucy had to admit he looked just the way he did in college, except better.

  So much for fat, bald, and poorly dressed.

  Her glance darted to Theo, but he didn’t notice-he was staring at Brad Zirkle like he wanted to eviscerate the man. She hoped he remembered his own advice regarding acts of violence and curse words.

  Lucy sat still while the producers ran an old video montage of the events of a decade ago-the bedsheet unfurled with the painted words, Thank You, Lucky Lucy Cunningham-Slump Buster; her father yelling at reporters from his front stoop; Lucy hounded by ESPN cameras as she walked between classes; the dean announcing that the coach, athletic director, and assistant athletic director had been fired and four athletes expelled.

  John Weaver asked her how it felt to see that.

  Lucy said, “Like it happened to another person.”

  As Brad cleared his throat and started to speak, Lucy was amazed at how loose her body felt, how relaxed and comfortable she was at this moment of truth. Her heart beat quietly. Her hands lay still in her lap. She stayed focused.

  She wondered briefly if this meant she’d had a mental breakdown, but it didn’t feel like illness. It felt like health. It felt like strength. It felt damn good.

  Brad began to read from a prepared statement, telling Lucy and the entire Miami-Dade TV-viewing area that he’d always been ashamed of his behavior that day and that his life since then had been a series of relationship and job failures, including a struggle with alcohol.

  “Oh my God,” Lucy whispered, searching out Doris in the second row. She shrugged and gave her a sympathetic smile and Lucy went back to listening to Brad Zirkle explain how his twelve-step recovery required that he apologize to Lucy for his behavior.

  Is there nothing people won’t do on television?

  “I take full responsibility for what happened. It was wrong and cruel, and I am so sorry, Lucy. You did not deserve to be treated so badly.”

  Suddenly the camera zoomed in tight on Lucy’s face, and Carolina and John looked at her expectantly and Lucy realized this was her chance, her opportunity for the ultimate words of revenge.

  What came out of her mouth instead was a huge sigh of relief.

  “Thank you for your apology, Brad,” she said. “You hurt me a lot, and I’m sad to hear that you suffered, too.”

  Brad fell back into his chair like he’d been pushed.

  Lucy went on. “Someone once told me that at the end of the day, the most important thing is that you make the most of what God gave you. I guess you and I are both trying to do that now. Everybody deserves a second chance.”

  “Thank you, Lucy,” Brad said.

  “But don’t you dare ever hurt anyone like that again.”

  “I won’t.” Brad wiped a tear from his cheek.

  Carolina cried next. Then Lucy’s mom broke down in her chair at the back of the set, followed by Mary Fran and Gia and most of the females in the studio audience, and that’s when Lucy thought for sure she heard Stephan Sherrod’s voice shout out something about being a dead man.

  After the next commercial break, Theo led Lucy to the scale. She started laughing with joy before he could even settle on the number, which turned out to be 148, a loss of six pounds for the month.

  Lucy had no idea how much a decade of rage and shame weighed, but she knew she’d unloaded a few of those pounds just moments ago, when she’d forgiven Brad Zirkle.

  Chapter 12

  November and December

  Journal Entry Nov 19

  Breakfast: 1 banana; 3/4 c Kashi; 1 c plain yogurt; decaf with skim milk

  Lunch: 3 oz grilled chicken; 2 rye flat breads; 2 c salad with a whole cucumber; 2 tbsp oil and vinegar

  Dinner: 3 oz grilled salmon; 1 julienned zucchi
ni; 1/2 c brown rice

  Snack: Another banana

  Affirmation for Today:

  Only three weeks of celibacy left. Soon I will be fucking Theo’s brains out on a regular basis and can stop subconsciously selecting phallic-shaped fruits and vegetables.

  Lucy figured this was the worst-case scenario: in a few weeks’ time, she would step up on that medical scale on the set of WakeUp Miami and not have lost another pound. That would still mean she was eighty-two pounds and forty-one inches smaller, eighty-two thousand dollars richer (at least on paper), and on her way with her sister to a luxury spa in Jamaica for a week of pampering.

  As far as worst-case scenarios went, that wasn’t so bad.

  “Hey, Lucy? Is there anything else that needs to go?” Veronica poked her head into Lucy’s open office door and blew a wayward strand of hair out of her face. She looked cute in a pair of overalls and flip-flops, and she’d been a real trouper, helping with everything that needed to be done in order for them to be in the new office by the end of the week.

  Lucy took one last look around at the pale yellow walls and sighed. “That’s pretty much it, I guess. How about Maria and Barry?”

  “Barry’s unhooking his computer now. Maria’s already over there working with the phone people.”

  “Did the detective call with any news this morning?”

  Veronica made her fish face. “Not since yesterday. They still think our fearless leader went AWOL and took Lola DiPaolo with him.”

  Lucy shook her head. She didn’t Like leaving Stephan like this, but how were you supposed to give your two-week notice to an invisible man? All of them had left letters of resignation on Stephan’s desk, should he ever show up to read them.

  Though dozens of audience members had confirmed that Stephan loudly proclaimed that he was a dead man before running from the TV studio-the last time anyone saw him-Miami Police detectives were operating on the theory that he’d not met with foul play but flown the coop for financial reasons. The IRS was snooping around Sherrod amp; Thorns right along with the detectives.

  Police also believed that Stephan and Lola had some sort of relationship. Lucy could only imagine the profound nature of their pillow talk.

  Lucy took one last look around her little office and smiled-she was moving up in the world. Her new suite was in a high-rise on Biscayne with a view of the bay. The lease was hefty, but she didn’t think that would be a problem. Every one of Stephan’s longtime clients had happily jumped ship with her. The publicity she’d received in the last month had also helped her close deals for seven significant new accounts, including the Lucky Chef gourmet food chain Barry had been courting.

  Slump Buster Advertising was officially open for business.

  “What’re your plans for lunch, Lucy?”

  Lucy turned to answer Veronica when her lunch plans-all her plans, really-suddenly materialized in the doorway.

  “Hey, Cunningham.”

  Theo leaned up against the door frame in a pair of jeans, a ribbed polo shirt, and sneakers. He’d let his hair grow in the last couple months, and Lucy thought it suited him. He looked less like Malibu Ken and more like himself-funny, warm, sexy, and hers. All hers.

  She felt the smile as it spread across her face. When she looked at Theo these days, she was astounded at the depth of her love for him, her trust in him, and how, with his help, she was living in hope for her future instead of fear of her past.

  “Does Japanese sound OK to you?”

  “Delish.”

  “So is this the end of an era?” Theo glanced around the empty office.

  “Thank God,” Veronica said, popping her gum. “Let’s get out of here before he comes back.”

  Theo held Lucy’s hand as they walked through the downtown lunch crowd. He kept shooting her sideways glances and smiling. But he was unusually quiet.

  “You look like you got something to tell me.”

  “Nope.” He squeezed her hand harder. “But I like your shoes. You’ve got the cutest little toes.”

  Lucy laughed. “Yeah, and now I can look down and see them.”

  “Hey, Lucy! Way to go!” A threesome of young businessmen gave her the thumbs-up as they walked by. One of them whistled. Lucy felt herself blush. It was safe to say that being on the receiving end of whistles, hoots, catcalls, and kissy noises had been a fairly recent development and that she loved every minute of it.

  “Don’t you go getting a big head.”

  “Ha. I think you’d be more worried about me getting a big butt.”

  “Nope. Didn’t even enter my mind.”

  Lucy let her head fall back and she took a deep breath of the warm Miami air. She was about to tell herself that things could not possibly be better, but she knew that was a lie. Because things were definitely about to get better with Theo.

  She had big plans for the man walking next to her. In just two weeks, their yearlong venture would be done. She’d no longer be his client. He’d already given his notice, so Theo would no longer even be a trainer at the Palm Club.

  They were just going to be two regular people who’d decided to become lovers.

  And as soon as she and Mary Fran got back from Jamaica, the boy had better watch out.

  Office of Doris Lehman, MSW, PhD

  “It feels like I’m saving myself for marriage.”

  Doris chuckled. “Well, in a way, you are, Lucy. You’ve had limited physical intimacy with Theo these last two months, and a deep friendship and trust had room to form. You’re both entering into this with expectations for a committed relationship.”

  “He’s never really come right out and said, ‘I love you, Lucy.’ He said he’s ‘crazy’ for me. Does that count?”

  Doris smiled, very nearly looking like she was suppressing a laugh.

  “Did I say something funny?”

  “Have a little faith, Lucy.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “It means that some things are worth waiting for.”

  While Lucy mulled that over, she let her gaze wander over to the pint-size geisha gals in their pint-size outfits. She was going to miss the little floozies. And she was really going to miss Doris but didn’t know if it was appropriate for former patients to ask their former therapists to become their friends.

  “When I marry Theo, I plan to ask Isaac Olorio to design a gown for me with a kimono theme. I’ve decided that would look really good on me. You’re invited to the ceremony.”

  Doris coughed and tapped her chest. “So you’re already planning your wedding, are you?”

  Lucy smiled. “Have a little faith, Dr. Lehman.”

  The big day arrived, and the irony was that Lucy didn’t even care what the scale said-that was just the final detail. The cameras had been with them at the Palm Club the day before as Lucy completed her fitness evaluation for aerobic capacity, flexibility, and strength, and then she happily walked around in a tankini and let Theo submerge her in the hydrostatic tank. The numbers were being kept secret, like the results of the Miss America Pageant or the Academy Awards, until today, which cracked Lucy up.

  Carolina Buendia appeared particularly agitated that morning, and she grabbed Lucy’s arm before the show began and pulled her off into a corner of the set.

  “I wanted you to know how remarkable you are and how much I admire you. I wish I were as brave as you… I…” Her fingers shook as she expertly blotted away tears without smudging her mascara. “It’s just that I’ve struggled so much… I’ve had… Oh God…”

  “Carolina! Lucy!” one of the producers shouted for them from the front of the set. “We need you both out here-four minutes to air!”

  Carolina didn’t really need to say anything more, and Lucy stopped her. “It’s OK. I had a wonderful therapist, and she does it all-compulsive eating and bulimia and anorexia, too. Do you want her number?”

  Carolina nodded and took a steadying breath. “Please don’t say anything to anyone. The media would have a field day
with this.”

  Lucy just smiled.

  It was a relaxing show, and she and Theo joked a lot and video was played of Lucy’s year of progress. When they showed a clip of Lucy’s first workout, it was a challenge for her to watch. The woman in the snug pink sweatpants was her but not her. Yes, it was obvious that she’d been a mess on the outside. But Lucy knew that mess originated on the inside, where no one could see. And it felt wonderful not to be that angry, lonely, ashamed woman anymore.

  With a drumroll from the band, Lucy stood in between Carolina and John while Theo broke the seal of the envelope.

  “In fifty-one weeks, Lucy Cunningham’s percentage of body fat has gone from sixty-nine percent to fourteen percent, from a dress size of twenty-two to a size eight.”

  The audience gasped.

  “Her waist was forty-two inches; now it’s twenty-eight. Her hips were fifty-one and a half inches; now they’re thirty-eight inches.”

  Carolina asked the studio audience to hold their applause, and Theo continued.

  “This is really amazing-her upper right thigh once measured thirty inches around, bigger than her waist is now. That same thigh is now twenty-one inches around.”

  “Holy shit!” John Weaver’s hand slapped up to his mouth the instant after the words slipped out.

  Lucy giggled, glad this FCC fine wouldn’t be her fault.

  Theo tucked the envelope in his shorts pocket and addressed the camera. “Now, before Lucy gets on the scale, I want everyone out there to remember that if she doesn’t hit one hundred and thirty pounds today-and chances are she won’t-that does not mean she didn’t reach her goal.”

  The crowd nodded and manufactured a variety of supportive sounds.

  Lucy knew he’d said that for her benefit. He still planned to see her naked, no matter what the scale said.

  They came pretty close. Lucy’s final weigh-in put her at 139 pounds, for a total loss of ninety-one pounds.

  She’d take it.