Nowhere to Hide

by Paul Kelly

  Twenty minutes later, Genevieve Summers and her parents arrived by car, just as I was feeding Freya and as they came into the house I knew immediately, that this was a providential meeting of Germany and Great Britain and that Adolf had been sent by God to redeem a poor German family who knew that they could have been so near to death. Adolf hugged Jenny and introduced her to the family, saying they would not stay long as there was this trouble brewing in the village, but advised us to clear the house of any Jewish pictures or emblems and gather whatever we could for the promised visit by plane to Britain.

  We were so excited and waved the Summers family off as we prepared to clear the house of the ornaments and objects that would tell the world that we were Jews. I cried as I worked. I had thought until this time that the Jews were the chosen race and I began to wonder why it was that Adolf Hitler hated us so much as to want to rid every Jew in Germany either to another country . . . or to death.

  Chapter Six

  The following morning there was a terrific noise just outside our house and several people were gathering together, but what surprised me most was the number of uniformed policemen who were there; obviously Gestapo; the type with the swastika on their arms. Someone banged on our door and when I went see who was there, I was pushed back inside as the door was forced open. Isaac came rushing through from the bedroom to see what all the shouting was about and the same policeman who pushed me into the house, screamed at him to stay back. The children were alarmed and followed Isaac but they too had to stay back as they were ordered.

  “You bloody Jews had better get outside” came the voice from the policeman, “All of you. OUTSIDE . . .”

  I was terrified and even although I was in my dressing gown I did as I was told and Isaac and the children followed, but what was the greatest surprised to all of us as we stood outside our front door, Herman was standing with the policemen and he sneered at me as I looked at him in awe. It was in that moment that I realized that my cousin had overheard the conversation between Adolf Smythe and myself about the possible journey to Britain. Isaac went to punch him but I held him back. I knew the damage was already done and any sort of abuse would only make matters worse, but I could not understand how or why Herman could do what he did to us, as he himself was a Jew . . . or so we thought, but he spat on the ground and denounced us as traitors in front of everyone in that crowd. He had been a Judas to every Jew who lived in that day and time, but for reasons of his own, which I thought to be cowardice as he was afraid of his fate if he denounced Adolf Hitler, his very fear had made him appear to be a strong enemy. I hoped he did not expect the Iron Cross from Hitler for his action, because in my heart, I could have told him of his fate . . .if he would have listened, but sadly, I knew that Herman had gone past that stage of repentance. He was alive and he was going to remain that way and to hell with anyone who would dare to contradict him.

  The Gestapo marched us away, without clothes or anything else and I could hear Betsy barking loudly in the background. We looked back at our humble little home knowing that we had seen the last of it and in our hearts we knew that any journey to Great Britain was a dream that would never come true. The dream was real but the reality was imprisonment. . . and Betsy continued to bark.

  I gathered the children round about me with Maria crying and her brothers trying to console her. I think she was more concerned for Betsy as she adored that little dog and we knew she would have to be abandoned, but we never considered how we could do that. Isaac thought the best plan was to put her to sleep, knowing quite well that we were restricted in time to do that but then almost by a miracle, one of our neighbours took her and said she always wanted to have a little puppy but had never got round to actually doing anything about it. This neighbour was a protestant and we knew that, but she would be the better of the two of us to take care of Betsy . . . Did she know, I wondered, if Betsy was a Jew? . . .

  Apparently the boys had seen some of their school friends who had been treated in the same way, and we could hear them muttering something, but it was out of our hearing. It appeared they thought it was some offence they had committed and not because they were Jews . . . We were sad, but there was no option. . .The boys considered they would have to be MEN when such a things as this happened in their country as quite unknown to Isaac and myself, the boys had actually seen all this happen before. . . without any understanding of the importance and urgency of the arrest. I held Freya in my arms and Isaac walked with me not knowing where we were going, but feeling sure that wherever it was it would not be a ‘holiday’ but even as we walked, the streets that we passed through seemed strange to us as if we were walking on totally strange ground; ground that ignored our footsteps in fear as though the very ground had a fear of its own. The skies were grey and clouds were gathering with threatening rain, but we knew that whatever the element, we would have to go on walking and walking and walking . . . Out of the town the country was bleak. Where we would have enjoyed a walk out into the fresh country air, our tears were not far way. We could not even enjoy the pleasure of hugs and kisses as everywhere we were pushed and bludgeoned, so that I very nearly fainted when Isaac had his head beaten with a rifle and staggered as he fell onto the pavement, but voices commanded that we should move on. This was no time for rest, they shouted loudly at us . . . and for the first time since we started out so savagely from our home, Freya started to cry . . . and I broke my heart.

  The walking was tedious and tiresome but if we stopped we were beaten with sticks and screamed at which upset all of my children but especially the two little girls. Maria was wonderful as she took Freya from me for a while and carried her in her own arms which I thought must have been very difficult for her as Freya was now nearly nine months old and she got heavier by the day, but Maria never complained and I grew to love her even more than I had done before and I wouldn’t have thought that to be possible as my love for my family was supreme. Isaac touched my hand as a jeep passed us on the road with about six or seven Gestapo members sitting comfortably and jeering at us as they went, but it was something in particular that attracted Isaac and as he tugged at my hand, I looked again at the jeep. There sitting in the front, driving the vehicle himself was Herman . . . and he was jeering like the rest as he controlled the driving wheel. I could not believe it and both Eric and Kurt called out to him as they shook their fists . “Bastard . . . Bastard,” they screamed but each received a belting around the ear from one of the marching Gestapo and I gave up all hope of ever seeing peace in our lives after that.

  After feeling exhausted with all the walking, we finally arrived at the railway station and I thought at least we would be able to sit down somewhere, but I could never have been so wrong. We were all marched along a platform but the train waiting for us was like an old cattle truck. They were carriages without windows and with a sliding door at the side. I could hear dogs barking as one man with a large whip in his hand ordered us to get in. I looked around. . . Get in where, I thought and then the sliding doors opened and another man in uniform jumped out and demanded that we should move as quickly as possible as the train wouldn’t stand in the station all day.

  “Hurry up,” he snapped, “Don’t waste any more time.” and we bundled into the train, falling over each other in our attempts to get in as quickly as we could, for fear of a whipping as the guards were simply aching to use those whips, but we had only just started mounting the carriage without steps of any other way of getting in from the ground when another harsh order was screamed through the air.

  “Men and boys in one carriage. Women and children in another,”

  I stared at Isaac and I could hardly breathe with sheer fright, not knowing what was to come next, but we had to obey and he passed Freya back to me with tears in his eyes, and I reached across and kissed him tenderly, realizing I could get whipped or shot, if I lingered another second but in that moment I didn’t care. I wept on Isaac’s shoulder and knew
that the only contact I would ever have with my husband again was the tears that fell against his neck . . . and then I was beaten with a rifle and told to get back in line. We all went into our allocated carriages and the stench would knock you down. It seemed that cattle had been in these carriages before us and their bodily muck had never been cleaned out. Together with this as we set off, I could feel the stench of human sweat and urine, together with the aroma of menstrual blood which made me want to vomit, but it was too late for that as when I looked down at the floor of the carriage, all I could see was an array of feet and sickness and vomit everywhere. We were packed like sardines and could hardly move. Children were crying and screaming with mothers doing everything to console them as little Maria grabbed Freya again and started to sing her a lullaby. Within moments everyone had joined in. There was singing and crying with everyone trying to make the best of what we had, but Maria came up to me, pushing her way through the gathering of people and whispered something in my ear. I could not hear what she said for the obvious noise around us, but within a few seconds I could see she was peeing himself and she looked down in shame, but I gave her a quick hug and told her not to worry.

  “I don’t think you are alone darling, so don’t worry,” I said and very quickly added, “We won’t be in this train for long,” but I was very wrong. We were huddled in that train for four days, awake and asleep, as best we could and on the fourth day I could see that someone had gone to sleep at my feet. I could not recognise the body until I moved it slightly. It was an elderly man and I touched him gently with my foot to arouse him but a woman standing near him whom I thought could well be his wife simply smiled and turned away from me, “No use darling,” she said softly, “He’s been dead for the past two days.” I could see Maria stare at me when she heard the woman say that, but the singing went on and the stench got stronger where no daylight or fresh air came into the carriages until one fine hour where it seemed that the world had come to life again and the dogs were barking their welcome on the platform, we were demanded to get out of the carriage and line up on the platform. One line of men and another line of women and all of us exhausted where fainting was the order of the day and the stench from each and every one of us in that crowd was indescribable. I felt thoroughly ashamed of myself as I had never in all my life been so disgracefully smelly in my body. I was ware that all of our natural functions had to be abandoned and set aside during the long train journey to wherever we were going, but even although each and every one of us must have been assured that there was nothing we could do about that, I still saw people looking at each other in disgust and I suppose that is when I think of what Isaac used to say to me when we had a rift of any kind and I WAS ALWAYS THE PERSON WHO WAS RIGHT, he would remind me that none of us can see ourselves . . .but nobody cared. Orders were screamed at us and everyone obeyed. This was Hitler’s freedom for all, in Germany . . . Amen.

  I looked around the platform to see if I could see Isaac or the boys, but there was such a vast crowd of men that I could see none of them until Maria pointed to a gathering of young boys and I could see Eric and Kurt waving at me, but there was no sign of Isaac. I waved back and hoped Isaac would make an appearance, but there was no sign of him and there was no where I could look or ask questions. . . All we got was more shouting to ‘MOVE ON’

  Eventually and after about two hours of more walking we came across a strange looking place that looked like a camp of some kind. It had a sign above the entrance door which I thought was particularly strange and certainly not apt. It read, ALBEIT MACHT FREI . . . but somehow I never thought it was ever intended to be seen by prisoners who were LEAVING the camp however, we were all marched in and I was surprised to see several nuns going in with the gathering. I thought that strange as I had never ever heard of a Jewish NUN. It seemed that the German hierarchy were getting very fussy.

  We were all allocated to huts, but again, Isaac and the boys were nowhere to be seen and I consoled Maria in telling her that we should all be seeing each other very soon, but when I reflect back now on saying that, I should have considered that the only way we would ever meet again would be in Heaven . . . but that is no way to talk to a child.

  I did everything I could to make little Freya as comfortable as I could with the little assets we had in that horrible hut and she was indeed a very good little girl. She would look up into my face and smile and I would cry, as I knew she could never understand the fate that awaited all of us and I would cuddle her closer and closer to make up for all the other little comforts that we were not allowed.

  It was in a moment like that, when I was drying my tears that a nun came over to me and asked if she could look at my little baby. Of course I was delighted. Considerations and kind observations like that were very few and far between and the nun introduced herself as Sister Evangelist as she took Freya in her arms.

  “She is a beautiful baby. . . Is she your only child? What name have you given her may I ask?” the Sister enquired and I told her we always called her Freya twinkle toes . . . and the nun laughed, but I pulled Maria over to where I was sitting and introduced her to the good nun who was busy tickling Freya’s nose. “And animals . . . have you ever had a pet for the children?” she asked and I told her about Betsy and how we had to have her ‘adopted’ as we could not take her with us. She smiled sweetly and spoke of a little dog she had when she was a child and how that little animal had given her so much happiness in her childhood.

  “I have a husband, Isaac and five other children Sister, “ I said, “but as probably you already know, the men and boys are in different huts, but I don’t know why these people should separate families like that, do you?”

  Sister Evangelist looked down and smiled before she took my hand in hers, “May I call you by your . . . what I would describe as ‘christian name’ although I know you are Jewish.. .”

  I told her my name was Hilda and she nodded.

  “Nice German name,” she said “and your husband . . . did you say that his name was Isaac?” Her comment surprised me as I could not remember telling her Isaac’s name, but I nodded enthusiastically as I was always proud of my husband’s name since it was also the name of my father and Sister Evangelist said that God would deal with this matter of war and destruction very soon and I wondered if she had any premonition of the future, but I was afraid to ask her any more. I could see her face very clearly under her headdress as only her hair was covered and I saw very clearly what a beautiful woman she was and was sure that at some times in the past before she took the veil, that many men must have seen this beauty but I was afraid to ask her about that. I knew that nuns never had children, so that was another question I had to keep to myself but with such immaculate skin and lovely dark blue eyes, I was sure that she must have had a romance of some kind in her past life and as I was thinking about that she spoke again.

  “I would have loved to have had children,” she said, “and before I entered the convent, I was engaged to be married, but he was killed when his aeroplane crashed over the Austrian mountains. He was a doctor in London; doctor Austin Fairhead, but volunteered for the R.A.F as the war broke out. He was English and he spoke German fluently . . . I was studying medicine and hoped to become a doctor myself but that was not to be. . . I was simple Anna Carpenter in those days and Germany was a place that never entered my mind.”

  I was deeply touched by what Sister Evangelist said as she continued to smile into Freya’s face and make funny little noises to amuse her. I tried to imagine her as Miss Anna Carpenter or as the wife of doctor Fairhead and I wondered if she ever thought of the life she could have had and if possible she might meet someone else who would love her as Doctor Austin Fairhead had done, but at that moment someone screamed for us all to get into the showers and I had to grab Freya and ask Sister Evangelist to excuse us.

  The scramble to get into the showers was like a rat race. Everyone pulled off their clothes without s
hame and stood naked . . . some jabbering about being so cold they could die and others telling them to shut up and be thankful that they would be clean when they came out from the showers, but for all that advice, I saw one elderly woman faint amongst the crowd and a guard simply kicked her out of the way, so that the rest of us could get in. I went to help the poor soul, but I was pulled away savagely and told to mind my own business and get myself cleaned up. The guard who said that held his fingers to his nose as he walked away from me.

  I tried to wash little Maria’s clothes as well as my own and those of the baby in the washhouse, but there were so many people in there with the same idea that it became difficult to move, but at least I made some attempt and it did help. The clothes were never as I would have had them at home, but they were cleaner with each wash. Ironing was out of the question and I used to wonder how Sister Evangelist managed to keep her laundry clean as she always looked immaculate and even the white shroud she wore around her head under her veil was always WHITE. She was always very kind to help with the washing too and I don’t know where she did her laundry, but when she helped with mine, the clothes always came back cleaner than if I had done them myself in the common washhouse. Perhaps God had a special care for those who gave their lives to Him I don’t know, but she proved to be a good friend and she totally and absolutely loved my two little girls, especially Freya. I think she said she was from an enclosed order of nuns and I think that meant that she did not mix freely with other humans, but she always had an angelic look about her and nothing seemed to worry or upset her, except when she heard the screams of those who were being tortured or when I would see her shake her head when the music from the camp ‘orchestra’ drowned the screams of the less fortunate.