Sweet Farts #1 (Sweet Farts Series)

by Raymond Bean

  “Unfortunately, it didn’t work out. I couldn’t come up with anything that worked even a little bit.”

  “Well, that is unfortunate, but it’s not a total loss.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Well, when I heard about your idea, I decided to come and meet you and ask you a question.”

  “What? You don’t want me to rate your gas, do you? Because I can tell you from experience, you’re probably a one or a two. We all are.”

  He gave me a funny look. “No, of course not, I wanted to ask your permission to continue your experiment at the lab. We want to try some ideas of our own but also try to prove your hypothesis.”

  “Really?”

  “Really. We want to make sure it’s okay with you and want to include you in the research and testing.”

  “You want me to rate the farts, don’t you?”

  “Well, we want you to work with us. You won’t have to rate the, umm, farts anymore, though. If we are successful, we will, of course, share the profits with you.”

  “Of course,” I found myself saying, as if I knew what the word profit actually meant.

  “Are your parents here? I’d like to let them know what we have been talking about and make sure they support the idea.”

  “You don’t have to worry about that. This was the best thing that ever happened to my dad. He will be thrilled that it’s not over.”

  CHAPTER 25

  Thank You, Everyone

  I’m happy to report that after several months of working with Mr. Gonzalez and his scientists, we finally did it. We created little tablets that interact with gasses in the intestines and change the bad smell of farts to a good smell. We named the tablets Sweet Farts.

  Soon after the discovery, we attended a conference in New York City. I met Mr. Gonzalez and his staff for lunch at this very fancy restaurant. My mom and dad were all dressed up, and my grandma was smiling from ear to ear.

  They all seemed so proud to be with me. We sat at a table together and talked about all the crazy things that had happened to us since I first thought of the idea for the experiment.

  After lunch, the conference began with a few people presenting their research findings on different topics. There were experiments on pollution, training dolphins to speak, and hair growth medicine for men. Then they announced us.

  Mr. Gonzalez went up on stage to introduce our research. “Today I am before you to share our recent findings in the science of human gas. I am proud to say that the idea for this experiment came from a nine-year-old boy and his desire to, in his words, ‘change something in the world that he didn’t like.’ I am confident that after we share our findings, you will agree that he has done more than that.

  “Interestingly, this young boy’s idea happened to be an idea that was first introduced to the scientific community in 1781 by none other than Mr. Benjamin Franklin. Although Franklin presented it as a joke, I’m sure that if he were here today, he would share in our enthusiasm. To paraphrase Franklin’s words, ‘The person who can cure the odor of human gas is greater than all the thinkers and all the great discoveries of the past combined.’ Well, distinguished colleagues, friends, today I present to you—at least according to Mr. Benjamin Franklin—the greatest scientific mind of all time, Keith Emerson.”

  I wasn’t exactly sure what to do. There was a spotlight on me, and everyone in the room was looking at me and clapping. Mr. Gonzalez signaled for me to join him on stage.

  I climbed the steps to the stage nervously and slowly approached Mr. Gonzalez and the podium. He moved back from the microphone and pointed for me to walk up to it. Slowly I approached the microphone. I heard my sister yell, “Hi, Keith! He’s my big brothow!”

  “Hi, Emma,” I called back.

  Then a man in the front row cried out, “Tell us about your experiment.”

  I looked at Mr. Gonzalez and then at my mom, dad, and grandma, and then I began to tell the story. I told them all about my dad, and my sister, and Anthony. I told them about how I was picked on and principal’s office and the letter Franklin wrote. I told them about my grandmother fulfilling her promise to do anything for me. (She even got a standing ovation and took a big bow.) I told them how my project failed to find a cure for gas. And then finally I told them about Mr. Gonzalez and the laboratory.

  People began to clap, and I felt really good. My family was smiling, and everyone was really interested in me and my crazy experiment. Then something funny happened. My idea didn’t seem so crazy anymore. Mr. Gonzalez came back up to the microphone and handed me a packet of Sweet Farts. I began to explain to everyone in the room that we had in fact discovered a cure for bad gas. While Mr. Gonzalez had a few of his assistants hand out the packets to everyone in the audience, I explained how they worked.

  “Basically, after you eat this tablet, it reacts with the gasses in your intestines and changes the gas smell to the smell in the tablets.”

  People began raising their hands. I called on the first person I saw.

  “Have you tested it? Do you know that it works?”

  I looked at my dad and smiled. “Yes, we have tested it many times, and I can assure you it works.”

  My sister shouted out from her seat, “I helped.”

  “Yes,” I said. “My sister and my father were of great help. My mom did not help because she does not pass gas.” Everyone laughed.

  “What scents have you developed?” a woman with a microphone asked.

  “We have summer rose, cotton candy, grape, and pickles.”

  “Did you say pickles?”

  “Ask my sister,” I said.

  “I like pickles,” my sister called out. “Keith promised me that he would make that scent just for me.”

  “This is all very interesting, but do you think people even want to change the smell of their gas?” a man in the audience asked.

  “Well, I think so, yes. I mean, if you could never smell bad gas again in your life, wouldn’t that be something you’d want?”

  “Well, I guess so,” he said.

  “It takes a while to get used to the idea of gas that doesn’t smell bad, but I think it will be nice for people to not have to feel ashamed of something that is perfectly natural and happens seven or more times per day to all of us. I think in five years, farting won’t be any more embarrassing than blowing your nose—that is, if everyone starts taking our Sweet Fart tablets.”

  Everyone applauded. I walked off the stage, and my family was waiting for me with Mr. Gonzalez. I couldn’t believe this was all happening. And as it turned out, this was only the beginning.

  CHAPTER 26

  The Very Next Morning

  The very next morning, the Sweet Farts packets went on sale around the whole country. We were planning to go to the Browse and Buy Supermarket and pick up a few packs just for fun.

  My mom woke me up at eight o’clock, even though it was a Sunday. “Keith, get up. You have got to see this.”

  She turned on my TV, something she never does first thing in the morning (she says it rots your brain).

  The first channel she landed on was one of those news channels. They were talking about Sweet Farts. I couldn’t believe it. She turned the channel, and that channel was talking about Sweet Farts. She kept on flipping, and they were all talking about the same thing. One of the shows even had my picture on the screen. Another had Mr. Gonzalez talking to one of the interviewers. I felt like I was dreaming.

  Suddenly there was a lot of noise outside my window. My mom walked over and pulled up the shade to see what was happening.

  “Oh my gosh!”

  “What is it, Mom?”

  “You have to come and see for yourself.”

  I walked over and saw vans and satellite dishes and reporters up and down our street. There must have been fifty vans and a hundred reporters. They were all in front of our house. My mom and I looked at each other.

  “What do we do now?” I asked her.

  “I guess we get yo
u dressed and go out and see what they want.”

  CHAPTER 27

  That Was Me, Everybody

  My whole family got dressed in record time. When we opened the door, there was a tidal wave of reporters running up the path to the front door. When they reached the door, they shoved microphones in our faces.

  “Hold on a second,” my dad said. “Everyone calm down and I’ll let you ask your questions.”

  A voice behind one of the microphones asked, “How do you feel about all this?”

  “I don’t know,” I said. “I just woke up.”

  The questions just kept coming. I must have answered a thousand questions that morning. I was starting to get tired when something didn’t seem right. First, I got a whiff and then the full smell hit my nose. Everyone else must have smelled it, too, from the looks on their faces. But instead of looks of disgust, everyone was smiling. It was not that strong at first, but then it grew stronger and stronger. It smelled like grapes.

  “That was me,” admitted one of the reporters. Everyone laughed.

  “Hey, this stuff really works, huh, kid?”

  “It sure does,” I said.

  “Thank you,” another voice from the crowd chimed in.

  “Yeah, thank you!” said another. Then something strange happened. All the reporters began to clap and cheer. I guess I wasn’t the only person who was tired of smelling bad gas.

  Then I smelled something else. It was…yes, it was definitely…pickles.

  “That was me, everybody,” my sister cried, laughing uncontrollably.

  Everyone else laughed, too.

  CHAPTER 28

  The End

  And that’s how it happened. That’s how everything changed. If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. The saying is true. I was sick of bad gas. And it wasn’t easy, but I figured out a way, with a lot of help, to fix it once and for all.

  That’s the whole story. The only other surprise that I haven’t told you about is the money. It turned out that Sweet Farts became the fastest-selling product in history. Before we knew it, my family had made over one hundred million dollars! I even donated a lifetime supply to the Papas family.

  I decided to start my own company with all that money. I work with Mr. Gonzalez at the laboratory, and I get to try any experiment I want. I also get to hire whoever I want. Scott was the first person I hired. The second was Anthony Papas. I figured if it weren’t for him, I would have never invented Sweet Farts in the first place. We are working on some really cool experiments right now. I’d tell you about them, but they’re confidential. Let’s just say, the next time a kid in your class vomits on the floor right in the middle of class, you may not have to hold your nose. I’ve always hated that smell, haven’t you?

  Lemons to lemonade, my friends. Lemons to lemonade…

  About the Author

  Raymond Bean is the Amazon best-selling author of the Sweet Farts series. Writing for kids who claim they don’t like reading, his books have ranked #1 in children’s humor, humorous series, and fantasy and adventure genres, and the Sweet Farts series is consistently in Amazon’s top 100 books for children. His second book, Sweet Farts #2: Rippin’ It Old School, was Amazon Publishing’s very first children’s release. Foreign editions of his books have been released in Germany and Korea,and editions for Italy, Brazil, and Turkey are forthcoming.

  Sneak Peek of the next book in the Sweet Farts series:

  CHAPTER 1

  They Call Me Farts

  “You guys seriously need to stop calling me S.B.D.,” I told Scott and Anthony. We were waiting in the lobby of the WRSEC radio station and I was pacing back and forth, biting my knuckle.

  “Keith, don’t be ridiculous,” Anthony replied sarcastically. He had been blaming me for his farts since fourth grade. “Your name is S.B.D. because you’ve earned it. You rip farts that are both silent and deadly. You didn’t drop all those horrific farts in class last year for nothing, did you?” Anthony was laughing as he spoke because he loved the fact that I had taken the blame for his school farting all this time.

  “Okay, you seriously have to not call me S.B.D. anymore,” I demanded. “I’m about to do a bunch of interviews with reporters from all over the world in a few minutes.” I spoke to him in a low voice since Anne, the woman from the radio station, was standing only a few feet away.

  “Okay,” Scott replied, still laughing, “we won’t call you S.B.D. anymore. Is that what you want to hear? How about we call you Sweet Farts?”

  “Awesome idea,” Anthony said, nodding.

  “Shhh!” I held my pointer finger to my mouth. “No, that is not an awesome idea.”

  Anthony and Scott were giggling as Anne approached. She had on a headset and held a clipboard in her right hand. “Are you ready to do this, S.B.D.—sorry, I mean, Keith?” She started walking down the hall and motioned for me to follow.

  “I think so,” I said, looking over my shoulder at Scott and Anthony, who were walking behind me, laughing their heads off. They were making ridiculous faces at me and trying to make me laugh, too. It must be nice to be so silly, I thought. These guys get to goof around all the time, while I have to be all serious and take care of business.

  When she reached the door at the end of the hallway, Anne stopped, her hand on the knob, and smiled a reassuring smile. “Okay, Keith, this will be just like we talked about on the phone. You will do about thirty interviews, one after the other. Once you get through the first interview you should be fine. The reporters will be asking you about your success after inventing Sweet Farts. Are you sure you’re ready for this?”

  “I guess,” I replied weakly.

  “You guess? You had better do more than guess. These reporters are going to ask you a lot of questions, and you had better be ready. Just stay focused and think before you speak. We’re going to go in and sit at that desk.” She pointed through the window in the door. “I’ll be sitting right there next to you if you need me. Put on the headset on the desk after you sit down, and you will be connected to your first interview. You will be interviewed by one person after another. If you have trouble understanding any of the questions, I’ll be right there to help. Are you sure you’re ready?” she asked one last time.

  I took a deep breath. “I’m ready.”

  “You’re going to do great,” Scott blurted out as he slapped me on the back, then winked and smiled.

  “You’re probably going to mess the whole thing up, S.B.D,” Anthony said with a very serious face, looking me right in the eyes.

  “Why do you have to do that?” I asked. “I’m nice enough to bring you here, and this is the thanks I get?”

  “Sorry, Keith. Let me try again. You are going to completely…” he paused between each word to really make his point, “mess…this…thing…up! What I mean is you’re not going to do well.” His face broke out in a huge, sarcastic smile.

  “Don’t tell the guy that,” Scott said.

  I just shook my head in disbelief. Why had I brought Anthony here? I shouldn’t have been surprised, but I was.

  “We need to go now,” Anne insisted.

  She opened the door, and I noticed that my palms were sweating like crazy. I rubbed them on my jeans as I followed her into the room. She sat down at the desk and motioned for me to sit next to her. The whole thing felt like it was happening in slow motion. Was I ready for this? Was I ready to interview with reporters from all around the world? I was about to find out.

  As I sat down, I put on the headset that Anne had handed me and immediately heard the voice of a woman. “Hello from Italy,” she said, with a faint Italian accent. “Before we start, I would like to personally thank you for inventing Sweet Farts. I must admit that I have a brother who farts so badly I sometimes want to cry. Thanks to your invention, when I see my brother, all I smell is bubble gum. I have a box of Sweet Farts shipped directly to his house once a month.”

  “Thanks,” I said. “I’m glad you don’t have to smell your brother’s farts any
longer. Bubble Gum is our newest scent. We have a few other scents that just came out recently, too. We now feature Tangerine, Cookie Dough, and Blueberry.”

  “I’ll have to go buy those and send them to my brother. Can you quickly explain how Sweet Farts works?”

  “Sure, without getting into the science behind it, you eat one or two scented Sweet Farts tablets and after about ten minutes you’re all set. If you have to pass gas, it will smell like the scent you ate.”

  “How has your life changed since you invented Sweet Farts last year?”

  “Actually, my life is pretty much the same. I play on my local baseball team. I spend a lot of time with my family and friends. You know, regular kid stuff.”

  “Be that as it may, I think you are the only ten-year-old who has created an invention that has changed the world like Sweet Farts has. Can you tell me what inspired you to try and cure the smell of human gas in the first place?”

  “Well, I had this problem at school. A kid named Anthony was farting every day in my fourth-grade class. He would do it really quietly and then blame it on me after everyone smelled it.”

  I could see Anthony through the window at that very moment. He was close enough to see me, but not close enough to hear what I was saying. He and Scott waved at me, and I waved back, flashing them a fake smile. Anthony held his nose and then pointed to me, laughing like crazy. I knew asking him to work with me would be a mistake. All he had done since I’d hired him was make my life more difficult.

  “I understand Benjamin Franklin wrote a letter about curing the smell of human gas back in 1781. How does it connect to your invention?” the woman asked.

  “Well, when I first came up with the idea to cure farts for my science-fair project, I was sent to the principal’s office. Then my principal told me about the letter Franklin had written. In it, he wrote that if someone could cure the smell of human gas, it would be the greatest scientific discovery of all time. So my principal made me do the experiment.”