“You know anything about running a winery?” Luke asked.
“Learning. A lot of it you can hire out, but it still means I have to do lots of research so we don’t get ripped off,” Nick answered. He shifted on the bright patchworked fabric high-backed chair Luke remembered as one of Sophie’s favorites. “I hired a good vineyard manager, and, luckily for us, Mr. Rodriguez knew what he was doing when he planted and began maintenance. The newest part is now coming into its first good season.”
“Love how the sun plays on the vines. You have the same rock walls my parents have,” Julie offered.
“We got lots of rock here in Bennett Valley, that’s for sure. It was probably the most difficult part of getting it ready to plant. Did you know, there are ranchers all over this valley floor with old rock walls going back more than a hundred years?”
“What are you going to call your wine, Nick?”
“Sophie’s Dream Winery.”
“She would have loved that, Nick.” Luke knew Mark Beale, Nick’s best friend and BUD/S partner, had fallen hard for Nick’s sister during her final days. It was fitting for Sophie’s vision of the property to be realized, and enhanced a hundred percent, since it was now to be part of a Team project. She would have liked that too, he thought. Sophie had loved her SEAL brother and all his Teammates.
“You teach in San Diego, Luke says,” Nick said to Julie.
“Yes. I have the best job in the world. I mean, the kids are great, and they’re why I do it. I could do without some of the administrative hassles and the parents, though.”
“What grade?”
“Second. Love kids at that age. Still excited about being in school.”
Luke remembered how Camilla had loved her students, too. He felt the jolt of pain tug on him while Julie chattered on about her classroom. Something about it was too familiar. He decided to push it aside for now and just enjoy the time they had left together.
On their way back to the Waterwheel, Luke offered to accompany Julie back by car to San Diego the next day.
“A road trip with you sounds like a fun idea,” she said with a coy smile. Her hair was flying in all directions, waving out the opened windows to the early summer day. “I do have to be at school on Tuesday for a teacher meeting, though, so we can’t dawdle, much as I’d love to.”
“Another time, then.”
“No. I think I’d like you to take me home. But we have to stop at a drugstore on the way.”
He searched his memory and then blushed, hanging his head. “Condoms.”
She nodded. There was something else clouding her enthusiasm.
“You okay about last night?” he asked.
“I’ve got some issues to work on when I get back. We have a parent situation I’ll have to deal with first thing.” He could tell her smile was forced. “Maybe my principal has made it go away, but it isn’t likely.”
“I’m sorry. Anything I can do?”
“Just love me, Luke. It’s all I need.”
He intended to. Fully.
Chapter 20
‡
Julie woke up with a slightly stiff neck. They were nearly halfway to San Diego County, and Luke had pulled over for gas and to grab them some lunch. She’d been more tired than she thought she’d be, but then they hadn’t gotten much sleep. In between their heavy lovemaking, the sound of the waterwheel outside their door had kept her awake until she found herself drifting off to sleep just as the sky turned pink with sunrise. Her rest hadn’t lasted long.
The popular restaurant’s parking lot was filled with motorhomes and long-haul trucks. She found herself getting tense as they got closer to home. The sparkle of the emotion-filled weekend began to fade, revealing some fears she was surprised to discover. Was this thing with Luke just a fantasy?
She could tell the bloom of their rekindled relationship had worn off for Luke as well. He looked tired, and they spoke little while they ordered. The footsie was gone. Knowing smiles were gone. They’d had plans to perhaps stay overnight somewhere and then get up early to get Julie back just in time for her meeting, but now Luke seemed hell-bent on driving straight through.
“I can spell you, if you like,” she suggested. They had nearly four hours to go.
“Not necessary,” he answered without looking at her. She could tell something was eating at him, and almost hoped it was his military past and not something she’d done. Then she chastised herself for such a ridiculous thought.
Maybe it was lack of sleep. She pushed the off button on her better judgment, something she would soon regret.
“So is there something I’ve done wrong, Luke?”
He gave her a confused look, knitting his eyebrows and squinting, especially on the side he favored, his right.
“Excuse me? Why would you think that?”
“Just you’ve been so quiet, and I thought—”
“Julie, I’ve been letting you sleep for Chrissake.”
“Well, yes.” She instantly regretted she’d said anything. Now she wanted to be compliant, and then realized it would just put him off even more. It would have been best to ignore the niggling question and just leave him alone. But of course she couldn’t. Maybe it was knowing they would go their separate ways when they reached San Diego, and nothing had been said about seeing each other after the trip.
“You’ve been awake, what? Twenty minutes while I gassed up the car?” The emphasis on I gassed up the car made it sound like it had been an imposition, not like a man who was devoted to the woman he loved. As if it was her fault.
Was it just her company? But that was nuts.
“I’m sorry, Luke. I should have insisted I drive part of the way. You’re tired. And you’re crabby.”
She could see his control waning. “You don’t know anything about how I feel, Julie. Don’t do that.”
“What? Just what am I doing, Luke?” She said it a little too loud and several of the customers turned to look. Luke didn’t flinch or seem to notice, but she knew he had.
“Quit prying.”
“We talked about this.”
“No this isn’t what we talked about, Julie.” He delivered it sharply, like a saber cutting through silk. He hissed the words, spinning out his enunciation with irritation oozing through every pore.
Was she ready for this? She told herself she was. She also told herself she shouldn’t back down, even if it risked a blowup. She had to show him she wasn’t afraid of what he had going on emotionally. But she was getting more uncomfortable by the moment. Something in the back of her brain was shouting, “No,” but she didn’t care. It was past time to fully engage.
“I don’t think it is anything we talked about, either, except I’ve said before that I didn’t want you to check out on me, and from what I can see, it’s exactly what you’ve done.”
Anger flared in his eyes, and he swiped his forearm across the table so his silverware hit the floor, attracting attention.
“Don’t start this, Luke,” she held firm.
He pointed at her face and then gratefully thought better of it. She drilled a look to him and again would not back down. The first word out of his mouth was going to be “You.” She could tell.
“You have no idea what you’re talking about. I’m just fuckin’ tired, and I’ve been trying to be careful to let you sleep. What, I have to entertain you 24/7 now? Not enough to let you get some rest while I’m sitting on my ass dodging motorhomes and stupid truck drivers?”
“You offered.”
“Well, that wasn’t such a good decision now, was it?”
She sat back and watched a brother and sister throw ice cubes at each other. Everything around her irritated her, too. She felt as tired as she knew he did. But the memory of their intense, nearly all-night, sexual encounter left her aching for more of that closeness…that soulful connection she might possibly have imagined after all…and missing him already.
Shaking her head, she decided to try reminding him how it had been be
tween them last night. “Luke, have you forgotten why we didn’t get any sleep last night? Is sleep really the issue here?”
At first he blinked, as if he couldn’t parse the words. And then he took in a deep breath and let it out slowly, dropping his eyes to where her fingers rested on the tabletop. He plastered a smile on his lips, and when he looked at her, some of the sparkle returned to his eyes.
But he was measured. He was guarded. And it broke her heart.
Just tell me, Luke. Let me in. No need to play nice. Just be honest with me. I can handle it.
“I guess you wore me out a bit. I enjoyed it last night. But—”
She grabbed his hand and squeezed it. “Just stop. Look. I’m sorry. I’m a little on edge too. Let’s just hit the reset button, Luke. I didn’t mean anything by it.”
The gentle pat he returned was just for effect. He wasn’t feeling anything at all, though she could tell he was trying to.
“It’s been a pretty intense few days. We both have things we have to go back and do, things perhaps we aren’t looking forward to,” he said. “And I’m not much of a talker, either. I don’t do small talk. I never know what to say. I’m pretty much an action guy.”
“I’ve experienced that first hand,” she said with a blush, which was not warmly received. “It’s part of what I find attractive—”
He was up in an instant. “Going to the john,” he said as he practically ran from the table.
What just happened? He’d gotten a couple of cell phone texts. Was there a problem back in San Diego?
Their food was delivered just before Luke returned to the table. A droplet of water was at his temple, and it looked like his hair was wet. His smile to her was almost sheepish.
He waited until she took the first bite before he began. And then she knew she wasn’t going to like whatever he was going to say.
“Julie, there’s no question I’m attracted to you. I guess what’s going on with me is I’m having an extreme attack of conscience. I feel like I’ve led you someplace I didn’t intend to go myself. Does that make sense?”
“No. Not really.”
He checked the table to his left, watching the family with the warring children interact. His face was an expressionless slate, except for the jaw muscles that rippled as he ground his back teeth. He didn’t look up at her, just leaned forward, over his hands, tented his eyebrows, and continued.
“Look. This is hard for me. I’m not sure I’m ready for the kind of intense relationship you seem to want. And I feel real bad I’ve led you on.”
He did a quick check to her eyes and then darted back down to his hands.
She could have said something, but what she really wanted to do was throw her ice water in his face. Fucked nearly every way possible, and now the guy had a pang of regret. Her fury escalated to a slow boil.
It was what her mother used to say to warn her about men and sex. “Boys just want to get in your pants,” she used to say. “They get what they want and then they’re on to the next conquest.” In fact, she could see her mother face nodding and saying, “I told you so,” which just infuriated her further. And the woman was wrong. Dead wrong.
But where did it leave them?
Nowhere. That’s exactly where it left them. There was no “they.” There was a memory of something briefly beautiful, something she could see dying right in front of her, being eviscerated and torn apart by some black spirit which had taken over the man she thought she loved.
Yes, Luke was damaged, all right. Maybe it was the lack of sleep, but today, this afternoon, sitting at this table, in front of strangers, with the ridiculous elevator music blaring in the background, where the food suddenly tasted like cardboard, she wasn’t so sure she could keep her promise to him.
“Come on. Let’s hit the road,” he said before she could.
The fresh air, though laced with dusty gasoline and exhaust fumes from the busy freeway, helped. The absence of disapproving looks lessened the tension a bit for her.
“I’d like to drive, if you don’t mind, Luke,” she said, without looking at him.
“No. Not an option.”
So now she was also an “option.”
“Let me give you a chance to catch a cat nap. I’ll wake you up in an hour. I promise.”
He was searching the buzzing traffic on the freeway, as if there was an answer there.
“Suit yourself,” he said, and dropped the keys in her palm.
Julie didn’t wake him up in an hour. She drove him all the way to San Diego, and, in the evening light, touched his arm and saw him flinch. Disoriented at first, he glared at her when he realized he’d slept the remainder of the trip and she had neglected to wake him up.
“You need to tell me where to drop you off.”
It was as if she’d said something so distasteful he could hardly stand to listen. He appeared to think about something and then shook his head. Then he flopped back, pounded his fist into his thigh, and swore.
“Fuck. My car’s at the airport. We’ve passed it already.”
“No problem,” Julie said, turning off the freeway to the overpass that took them north again on I-5. She was working hard to remain unflappable, but her armpits were sweaty. She’d had several talks with herself before waking Luke, and that had helped. There was no way she was going to let her crushing disappointment and hurt show. She’d tell it to her pillow when she cried herself to sleep after a long, hot shower.
“I’m at Terminal 1 parking,” he pointed to the sign.
She drove through the gate and followed his directions until they were parked behind a huge, deep blue Hummer. Of course he would have a big monster car.
She popped the trunk and got out for what she hoped was a goodbye hug, perhaps some semblance of a kiss. Was she hoping he’d talk about seeing her again?
Yes. It was definitely what she hoped for.
But what she got was a peck on the cheek and a shrug. “I had fun. I’ll call you sometime.”
He wasn’t even careful how he sounded, how he delivered the age-old line she should have been prepared for, but wasn’t.
Well, it was her own damned fault, she thought as she handed the attendant her ticket and was allowed to exit the parking lot. She’d laid the ground rules, told him it was not acceptable for him to mentally “go away,” and he couldn’t help himself.
He’d told her he loved her, something she couldn’t simply discard. But the part about letting her decide whether or not it was too much, giving her the choice, he’d still done that. Yeah, he allowed her to choose whether to answer her phone when he called, if he called. It just wasn’t exactly what she’d hoped for.
Well, she thought, if there was a God of teachers, he’d save her from problems with the administration. She could go on her girls’ week in Vegas with a couple of friends. They’d get drunk, watch the male dance reviews and maybe a nudie show, and ogle the firemen or policemen—something other than a man in military uniform.
And she’d learn to forget by throwing herself into next year’s lesson plans in the anticipation of bright, young faces, eager to learn.
And hope to God she could stop thinking about the icy blue eyes of the man who had wounded her.
Because she realized she did love him still.
Chapter 21
‡
Luke sat gripping the wheel of his hummer and pressed his forehead into it.
You freakin’ asshole!
Sweet Julie had given him just about everything he ever wanted in a woman, and more. And he had to go all cold on her. The shadows of the past had sneaked in and draped themselves over his sensual weekend with her, graying out her beautiful, warm spirit. The crowd of old voices shouted in his ear things like, You don’t deserve her, or You better watch out or you’ll kill her, too.
He’d been released from the dream of Camilla and her red lips until a week ago. And then Julie and all her pure pinkness, just like Camilla had been for him, so willing, so easy to fall for, h
er body calling for his to take them over the edge of passion unlike never before. Why was it going to be taken away from him, again?
He knew he’d have to book a meeting with his counselor. He didn’t want to be honest about the medication he wasn’t taking, because he didn’t like how it made him feel. Told himself he was stronger than everyone else. And yeah, the doc had told him he’d start to feel normal and he’d think he could go off the meds and play superman. It was just that he didn’t want to be dulled down, miss a single eyelash or freckle on her beautiful body. He’d wanted to have all of it without missing anything.
So what did he do? He destroyed it. He blew his chance.
Clearly, he wasn’t ready for this kind of intense relationship. He’d rushed up to Colin’s wedding, was shocked to find Julie greeting guests at the door to her parent’s home. He was in the company of a bunch of strangers who were so nice to him, not because of his military service, but because they were decent people. They didn’t know what kind of a hot-and-cold guy he was, what kind of a time bomb was ticking inside him.
Normally he’d have tired of the girl. His entanglements with Julie were golden strings which cut into his flesh. Something about the pain was delicious in a fucked-up kind of way. His aching heart was somehow atonement for Camilla, maybe, or something else.
Yeah, the doc had told him the confused state of mind would come and go. That if he started feeling numb or confused, if he lacked motivation to go work out or even fold his clothes, to watch out.
Something had soaked into his pants, leaving his thighs damp. What was weird was the steering wheel was dripping on him.
Holy fuck. My tears.
Time to rein in those feelings. He pushed the button to start the Hummer, but it didn’t. He rummaged through his backpack, to make sure the keys were there, and put them closer to his lap in the tray at the console. This time his Hummer roared to life.
His beast wanted to run flat out like a good racehorse. The freeway called to him. He was running home. He knew it just like the cowboys of old who pushed their horses to get them home before sunset. He needed the brotherhood to rub off all the rough edges, or pound them off, as sometimes happened.
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