by T. J. West
“No, I’ll just call my travel agent right now. . . . excuse me.” I scoot out of my chair and walk over to the bar.
Right after I get off the phone with my agent, Danny appears before me, looking drunk; his eyes are glassy, mean and he reeks of beer. I almost jump out of my skin, he surprises me.
“Why, huh?” he slurs. “Just tell me why you wouldn’t listen to me?”
“Danny—“
“I just don’t understand why you couldn’t just stay away. Everything was going great until you came back into his life.”
I look around me, seeing if Lucas is any where near me, because Danny is out of control and scaring me. I try to appear calm and defend myself. “My God, Danny, what horrible thing have I done, huh? I’ve done nothing to you or Lucas!”
He moves closer to me, making me back up against a bar stool. “You exist, plain and simple,” he hisses.
I gasp, “That is the most cruel thing anyone has ever said to me.”
“I hate you, Faith Montgomery, for ever existing, because if it weren’t for you my dad would never have left.”
What is he saying? He’s just talking shit right now. “I don’t understand what you’re saying! What do you mean your dad left because of me?”
“Open your fucking eyes, Faith!” he shouts. “My dad, our dad, left my mom to be with your mom and to be a father to you without wanting to be a father to me! That’s why I fucking hate you!”
Before I get a chance to react Lucas passes by me and punches Danny straight in the face.“You fucking bastard!” Danny falls backward, crashing into a stool and falling to the ground. “Get the hell out of here!” Lucas shouts. He watches until Danny leaves the area; the rest of the guys try to help him, but he shrugs them off and tells them to fuck off. Lucas turns around and cups my face. “Faith, you okay?”
“No,” I whisper. Tears are building up, I can feel them. Danny is my brother? It can’t be possible! My father would never. . . . . . oh please say it isn’t true! Lucas holds me while I put my thoughts together, trying to wrap my brain around Danny’s confession.
“What’s happened? Faith why are crying, what’s wrong?” My mom asks, behind me.
I unlock my arms from Lucas’ waist and turn around. “Is it true?”
“What’s true? I don’t understand.”
“Is it true that Daddy left another family to be with us?” Her eyes suddenly widen and the color of her face turns pale. She’s in shock, yet I need to hear her tell me. “Mom!”
“Yes.”
I cover my mouth. “Oh, my God, I can’t believe this, I can’t believe this!”
Lucas turns me around and lifts my chin to look at him. “Baby, what’s going on?”
I start to choke, I can’t believe this is happening. “Danny is my brother.”
He is taken aback. “What? Are you serious?”
“He just explained to me that his father is also mine and that he left Danny and his mother to be with us. God, this explains everything!” No wonder he has always been so bitter and distant from me. All this time, years of not knowing, Danny suddenly becomes my brother, who has always had a deep hate toward me. I literally feel light headed, I need to sit down. Lucas goes behind the bar while I sit on a stool and hands me a bottled water. He stands behind me and massages my neck, not talking, yet his support and warmth means everything. My mom—I have no idea where she went. Right now I can’t even look at her, be in her presence, I am so upset.
“Excuse me, Miss Montgomery,” Harmony quietly says. “Uh, one of the guys just collapsed.”
Oh shit, it must be Danny. Sure enough it is; he is lying near the front entrance, unconscious. The guys were talking, wondering if they should haul him in the van and take him home. I didn’t want them to do that. Instead I offer, “Take him up to my room.” He was such a jerk to me, yet I have this deep understanding as to why he held this grudge against me. I know it’s not my fault; my father left Danny and his mother to make another family with mine. I am livid and disgusted! Lucas and Slim lift Danny, draping his arms across their shoulders, holding him up; he can barely walk. They make it to the elevator and up to my suite. “Put him on the couch,” I tell them.
“Is there anything you need for me to do?” I hadn’t realized Harmony came up here with us. She is a total gem.
“No, thank you, Harmony.”
“I could stay with him while you continue dessert?”
“You’re very sweet, but I’m not hungry anymore.”
“Still, go down stairs, I’ll make sure he’s taken care of.”
I close my eyes and sigh. If only I could go back downstairs and pretend like nothing happened—if it were that easy I would.
Just when I needed it the most Lucas wraps his arm around my waist and kisses the side of my head. “Faith, come on. Let him sleep it off. Come back home with me.”
Yes, getting out of here sounds like the best idea yet. “Let me gather some things. I’ll be right back.”
Suddenly I feel exhausted; all I want to do is lay down and sleep this night away. Did my mom even realize Danny was my brother? Had she known all this time he was in Lucas’ band and she was eating by his side tonight? Oh, God, I have so many questions!
Lucas and I walk into my bedroom. He shuts the door behind him and puts his front up against my back, wrapping his arms over my chest. I lay my head back against his amazing chest, wanting to cry, scream, kick something and be mad.
“Baby -” He begins.
I whirl myself around and throw my hands in the air, angry as hell. “I don’t understand this! Danny is my brother and I’m just now finding out! It doesn’t make sense!”
“I know. I don’t know what to say. He never told me anything. I’m sorry.”
“Ugh,” I growl. “I’m so mad! If my father weren’t dying right now I’d go kill him myself.”
“He’s a true asshole, that’s for sure.”
“And my mom!” I scoff, “She knew this whole time and never said a word!”
“Give her the benefit of the doubt, Faith. You don’t know her half of the story yet.” What Lucas said is so very true. Maybe my mom had no choice in the matter; my dad was a very manipulating person and probably gave my mom an ultimatum? “You still want to go tomorrow?” He murmurs into my ear.
“More than anything. I need answers.”
The next morning I felt like a train had hit me; I barely got any sleep and worried all night long. Lucas put his sexy moves on me and helped me relax for a little, but once he fell asleep all the things in my head kept me up. Wayne phoned us last night, letting us know he decided to come back to my suite and stay with Danny—that way Harmony could go home. I just hope he was on his best behavior and didn’t try to make a pass at her; from the stories Lucas told me about Wayne, I was a bit protective of her.
I’m sure Danny is a mess this morning and wishes he were dead. All that drinking did a number on him and I hope he regrets it today. If only I could slap him across the face I would; he was so vile last night it hurt—like he knifed me in the gut. I don’t know what’s going to happen after today, but one thing I do know—he’s my brother, my family. I don’t want him hating me, nor do I want to be mad at him.
After picking up Mom from the hotel we went straight to the airport; the air in the taxi was anything but pleasant. I couldn’t be upset with her any longer, yet I really would love to hear her side of things before I saw my father.
We checked in for our flight and were now waiting until we are called to board. Lucas had some calls to make so he was busy while my mom and I sat waiting for someone to break the silence.
“I’m so sorry, honey.”
I sigh and put my hand on top of hers. “Oh, Mom, I’m not mad at you, it’s not your fault this happened.”
“I should have told you the second you were old enough, but—“
“I know. You don’t have to explain.” I bet my father pressured her into not saying anything to me. What a huge burden he
put on her; she must have worried about this my entire life. “I just need to know if you knew, the moment you met Danny last night, he was Dad’s son? Or if you have always known?
“No,” she quickly says. “I never met him before. Never seen pictures either. I should have known he was Gordon’s son; he looks so much like him.”
This story just keeps getting stranger by the minute. How come he never brought Danny around, or shown pictures to my mom? What the hell was he thinking?
“Didn’t he love Danny?”
“He never talked much about him. I don’t know why, he just didn’t, but I’m sure he did love him.”
“It’s so wrong,” I shake my head in disappointment. “He should have been there for him.”
“There are things about your father that you and I both will never understand. You just have to accept it.”
I want to laugh, it sounded so absurd. “I can’t, Mom! Danny is a mess and blames me!”
She starts to get nervous, and for a moment I thought she was going to break down and cry. “I. . . . .I . . . I’m going to use the restroom before we board the flight.” I wanted to reach out to her, but she walked off before I got the chance.
Once Lucas finished his call he comes back over and sits down next to me, holding my hand. I put my head on his shoulder dreading the flight; I didn’t want to see my father. He ruined my life. He ruined Danny’s life—this is a battle I am not looking forward to.
I haven’t stepped foot inside this house in almost five years, it feels so surreal; it looks the same, feels the same, and even smells the same—it’s definitely not something I dream about or miss. We were greeted by Martin, our butler. He led us into the great room—the room which I despised and brought back such horrible memories. When he first saw Lucas he almost gasped. I bet he never thought he’d see him again. Martin was never unkind to anyone, yet he never expressed his feelings or opinions. I always liked him and it was actually really good to see him.
My mom wanted me to go up to see Daddy right away, but I wasn’t quite ready. I needed to get my bearings first, so Martin brought us all a tray of coffee and tea. I really could use something stronger—more like a vodka tonic. My nerves are on end; shaky hands and bouncing knees. Lucas did what he could to help me calm down by rubbing my back or just holding my hand, but there really isn’t anything anyone can do. It is what it is. After almost an hour of getting my nerves in check I decided it was time.
I really wanted Lucas to go inside the bedroom with me, but he thought it would be best if I had time with my father alone. I wanted to argue with him because I wanted him by my side, just in case I decided to end my fathers life by slitting his throat with his letter opener. Of course I was thinking crazy and would never do anything like that—yet the idea was very tempting. I could do this. I had no choice than to put on my big girl pants and enter my fathers room on my own, to face the man who destroyed everyone around him.
The room is dreary and way too dark. How anyone can spend all their hours, caring for my father, when the room is deathly depressing—no pun intended—is beyond my understanding. The nurse is at his bedside just sitting there, as if he’s going to die any second. She smiles when I walk toward the bed and tells my father he has a visitor. I barely recognize him, he looks frighteningly old, weak, and ill. His once thick, dark hair is now almost gone with touches of gray; his face is extremely sunken in and the wrinkles are sagging—he looks terrible. I shouldn’t have expected him to look like a healthy man—he’s not. He’s dying. I walk closer toward him and see the oxygen tank tubes in his nose, a heart monitor with a disturbing beeping sound that I hate hearing; it’s telling me he’s on the brink of death—it’s a horrible picture. I want to walk right back out, I hate this so much. However I hold my ground and sit on the edge of the bed. My father turns his head and opens his eyes; any sign of his former life is gone. He no longer has that light in his eyes. Instead they are glassy and dark.
He lifts his hand for me to take it—I don’t want him to touch me, I don’t even want to be here; I want to feel what I was feeling before I came here. Although I want to continue hating him, so I can make him feel guilty, I just can’t. The hate has been pressing against my heart for so many years that it’s too painful to let it go. It’s become a cushion and it’s how I have coped all this time. Yet, now looking at him, I can see the turmoil and the deep guilt he has been living with. I don’t know if it’s because he’s dying or he came to that realization beforehand?
His cold hand touches my hot, nervous one; it’s almost a sting, his hand is so cold. “Faith. My beautiful Faith.” His voice is so raspy, he doesn’t even sound like himself.
“Hi, Daddy,” I whisper.
“I’ve mi. . . . .” He goes into a horrible cough attack. Oh, God, the sound is disgusting; I can hear the liquid inside his throat and chest, I cringe. He settles the cough down and continues. “. . . . .missed you so much.” He ends on that with a deep breath. It takes so much energy for him to get his words out. I don’t even know how I’ll be able to get him to talk to me about the past and about Danny. “You’re beautiful.” He starts to cough again. I get up from the bed, while the nurse attends to him, and walk out into the hallway. My mother enters the room as I embrace Lucas.
The smell of him helps me relax. “I had the intention of coming here to hate him, to . . . . . .” I break down; the tears have a mind of their own as they pour down my face. “I want to hate him. I want. . . . .”
“I know, baby,” Lucas says.
A couple minutes later my mom comes back out into the hallway and reports to me. “He’s asking for you again, darling.”
“I don’t know what to say to him, Mom.”
“You’ll find the words.”
This time Lucas comes inside the room with me. I know I should be more independent, but with him by my side, it’s exactly what I need. I’m not sure I can do this without him.
I go back over to the bed. He seems more relaxed; the nurse informs me she gave him a sedative to help with his coughing. “Daddy?”
“I’m. . . . .I . . . I.” He struggles with his words from the rapid breathing. I can tell how much pain he’s in. Every breath must take all the energy out of him.
I grab onto his hand this time, feeling how frail and boney they have become. “What, Daddy?”
“Sor. . . . y.”
“Sorry? Are you trying to tell me you’re sorry?”
“Yes.”
Oh wow, he’s actually apologizing. I never thought I would never hear him say those words. “I want to know what you’re sorry about? I have so many questions, Daddy.”
He looks at me and for a moment there I thought he was going to cry. “The past.”
“Are you talking about Lucas?” He nods his head, closing his eyes. I was right, he was crying. A drop of a tear slides down from the corner of his eyes, leading to his ears. Here’s my chance to tell him exactly what I thought about him. “You were ruthless and a very horrible person, Daddy. You hurt me so much,” my voice hitches and a deep choke comes out. I can’t break down, yet I can’t help it. “I loved Lucas so much, you made him leave me. You dragged me down, Daddy. You tore us apart. How could you do something like that? How?” All my words come rolling out of my mouth. I am not even sure he can explain anything to me; he can barely talk.
“For . . . give me,” he struggles to answer. Every word, every breath, he’s in pain.
“Oh, Daddy, I don’t know how.” My chest hurts so much; I am crying so hard. “On top of this? You had a son with someone else. Daniel Jay.” I can see a flinch in his eyes when I mention Danny. I must have surprised him. I continue with my questions, “You left him and his mother for me and Mom? You had an affair with Mom?”
He is looking around the room, trying to lift himself up. The nurse tells him to lie back down, to relax. “Daniel. Is he here?”
“Daddy, you’re ignoring my question,” I firmly state. “Did you and Mom have an affair?”
<
br /> “Yes.”
Oh, good Lord it’s true. “Mom got pregnant with me and you left Danny for us?”
“Dan . . . . . .”
“He’s not here,” I raise my voice. I want answers and getting slightly irritated. Unfortunately I am not going to get them. “It’s just Lucas, me and Mom.”
“Lucas? Bring. . . .” He coughs. “. . . . him here.”
He wants to see him? I’m not so sure that’s a good idea. What if he—Lucas is suddenly by my side. “Mr. Montgomery,” he politely responds.
My father is taking more rapid, shallow breaths, trying to get his words out. “Take. . . . care of my. . . .” He coughs a couple times. “ . . . little girl for me.”
“With my life. You have my word on that.”
I couldn’t believe what I was witnessing; my father just told Lucas to take care of me. I don’t know how long I have waited for him to accept Lucas—and yeah the acceptance is long overdue—yet I am relieved and happy right now. It’s the beginning of a prolonged forgiveness that my heart truly needs. Although there are many more bumps that require smoothing out, I see a bright light at the end of the tunnel.
A week later, my dad passed away.
Can’t Take It
Written by Danny Jay, Sung by Lucky Jones, Composed by JINKS
Produced by Shackle Music Productions
What you don’t know won’t hurt you, never will
What’s inside my head might be some sort of a dream, overkill
I get why you’re lost, running so fast you can’t be stopped,
Finding your missing piece may be at your feet, looking up at the top
Tell me where to go
My heart can’t take it
Tell me where to hide
My soul can’t take it
Tell me what did I do
Can’t take it
Just can’t take it anymore
Spinning around in circles, you left me and Mother behind
I don’t know the reasons, why I was the last to choose from your mind
Was it better over there, will I ever get that second chance