The Kiss That Counted

by Karin Kallmaker

  Her prediction was nearly true—a hand on her shoulder jolted her out of a doze.

  "You should go home," Karita said. "I'll be leaving myself in a few."

  Dully, CJ said, "Will you get to your car okay? I'm right outside again. Sorry, that makes me selfish, doesn't it?"

  "I'm glad you don't have to walk. I'll be fine—Emily will take me to my car. She's about to call it a night too. Pauline is doing the morning shift and will be here in just a few."

  Gulps of cold water shocked her awake, especially after she dabbed some on her temples and eyes. She'd make it home, but thank goodness it wasn't far. Karita looked like she could stay awake another twelve hours. CJ wasn't sure she'd ever been that young, but Karita was only, what? Six or seven years younger? She would always seem youthful, while she herself by comparison, would always feel old.

  She was in her car before she remembered the paperwork she had meant to get Emily to sign. It really needed to be mailed back to the court—it was late as it was. She checked the surrounding area again and nothing was moving, so she made her way to the back porch, hoping a quiet knock would be heard.

  A furtive whisper stopped her in her tracks, then the words took on meaning.

  "We really shouldn't."

  "Can we not debate that again? Let's talk about it tomorrow morning."

  Another noise, close, then Karita said, "This time can we get to a warm bed first?"

  Emily laughed. "Yes, baby. The bed will be warm—after a few minutes."

  The sound Karita made burned into CJ's ears. She tiptoed away, thinking she'd get her papers signed tomorrow, even if it was an extra trip. Her mind worked overtime picturing Emily slowly undressing Karita, realizing that Emily knew just what would melt Karita completely. That Emily, with her big heart and honesty, was someone Karita could trust that way.

  So much for the Madonna image. Karita was a red-blooded woman and real, every bit of her. Aunt Bitty pointed out Karita was dating that young woman CJ had seen in the deli, was getting sex with Emily and had been kissing CJ—all at the same time. She wasn't a Madonna, she was a tramp.

  "No," CJ said to her refection in the rear viewmirror. "She's not a virgin, she's a giving, loving woman." You could have had some part of that, she told herself. There was something so true and open about Karita that her love didn't get cheaper the more she gave it away. On the contrary, it made it more of a treasure.

  She is not for you. CJ repeated it like a mantra on the short drive home. The moon was gloriously full and bright and normally would have lifted her spirits, but the silver light was cold and no closer than she would ever get to the same light that seemed to glow from Karita. CJ didn't doubt for a moment that she could steal a lot from Karita, including her ability to trust, her innocence, maybe even her heart. CJ's lineage was full of accomplished con artists and she'd been weaned on the skills. Hadn't her father always said he'd never seen a natural like CJ, that conning women was the one thing CJ was good for?

  She gripped the wheel until her knuckles were white. She was good for other things. She would not give in to her ancestry or upbringing. She didn't con people anymore. She was out of the life. She would work one more night at the shelter and that would be it.

  She is not for you. CJ pulled into her parking space and repeated it slowly. "She is not for you."

  Neither, apparently, was Abby, and CJ certainly didn't blame her. The message began, "I'm a coward doing this by voice mail, but then again it's always been me leaving you messages, hasn't it? The other night was great, but I don't think we should do that again. This other resident finally asked me out and I don't think I should date her and still be sleeping with you so—I have to give it a try, you know? You and I aren't…we're not going anywhere even though it's a lot of fun. I want to go somewhere with somebody. Anyway. I have to leave for work. You don't have to call me back if you don't want to, but I hope we can still be frie—"

  CJ pressed delete.

  She got out the list, studied the names, and tried to add the amounts in her head again. The concentration wasn't there—her mind was a whirl. Abby's needy passion vied with that sound Karita had made when Emily touched her just the right way.

  Nothing's changed, she told herself. Her latest lover had decided to move on. She would find another if she wanted. So the tall, platinum blonde was under her skin, big deal. She'd survive the crush, and she'd not miss the woman when it passed.

  A relaxing shower fooled her into thinking she'd fall asleep soon, but the hope was short-lived. The alarm display gave off a low hum and in the distance a car started. The refrigerator clicked on and off. The background when she'd been a child, trying to sleep, had always held the clamor of an argument, the sound of something or someone breaking. In detention, the creak of shoes on cement as guards paced had kept her awake, punctuated by the slam of doors and the distinct click of automatic locks.

  The world had never been a quiet place until Karita kissed her.

  It didn't mean anything.

  She had never been much good at lying to herself and sleep eluded her.

  It hadn't been a bad night. It had actually been uneventful in spite of filling every room at the shelter. Karita spooned behind Emily, softly kissing her neck. She felt filled to the brim with tenderness for this woman, which wasn't unusual, but still— something was different.

  "Baby," Emily murmured. "You have the most amazing hands."

  "Oh yeah?" Karita smiled into Emily's shoulder blades and twisted the hand nestled between Emily's thighs. Emily pushed back slightly. "That hand in particular?"

  "Yes, that hand." Emily stretched, almost purring. "Could you do that maybe for a couple of hours?"

  Her fingers tickled lightly at the damp tendrils between Emily's legs. "Okay, but honestly, if I keep this up you're going to fall asleep."

  Emily rolled onto her stomach. Her muffed voice rose out of the pillow. "It could happen, but I promise I'd wake up ready to get serious about doing delicious things to you."

  Karita swiftly covered Emily's body with her own, pleased that the sudden full body contact drew a moan from Emily. "I have a different idea."

  "Yeah?"

  "I think you need something right now." Karita pushed her hand firmly between Emily's thighs again, this time taking a direct route to sweet, wet heat. It was fun, and hot, and sexy, like it was every time they were together, but Karita continued to be aware that something was different.

  Emily's responsiveness was the same, the eager and lusty way she pushed Karita onto her back so she could wrap Karita's legs around her shoulders—that wasn't changed. It must be me, Karita thought. That kiss…and she made herself not think about that anymore, because she was with Emily. Emily's touch aroused her just as much, and her mouth, oh her wonderful mouth, it was just as thorough. Karita gave herself to the pleasure of it. It was supposed to feel good and it did.

  They cuddled again, and Karita let out a long, pleased laugh. "That was marvelous. Oh—I remember now what I wanted to ask you about. About that cop earlier? She was muy bella."

  "She's very cute, no doubt about it."

  "Are you going to ask her out?"

  Emily wouldn't meet Karita's gaze. "Right—on one of my many free nights."

  "Next time she's in before ten p.m. just ask her to join you for coffee if she's got the break time. I can do an intake, you know that. Just say you never got dinner, which is nearly always true, and does she have time for a cup of coffee while you have a bite to eat—at Eddie's, just around the corner and down the block. I bet she says yes."

  "The fact that she's knocked on the shelter door a bunch of times in the last month is the only thing we have in common."

  "That you know about. That's why people date."

  Emily snuggled her closer. "She's totally hard-bodied. I doubt she'd be interested in me."

  Karita lightly squeezed one generously formed breast. "You have a few good features." Even as she trailed a fingertip over Emily's nipple, Karita knew
she'd likely not do so again after tonight. When she'd kissed Emily on the porch she hadn't known that the memory of kissing CJ would intrude, but now she did. "Em…you're attracted and she seems interested as well. But here we are in bed again."

  Some of the drowsiness in Emily's eyes fed. "You didn't want—"

  "I did. I kissed you because I did…want. But I think my reasons may be the same as yours tonight. And they're not the reasons we've always had in the past. Nurturing and random sublimation are okay by me, but…"

  "Okay," Emily said slowly. "I'm here with you right now because I'm thinking about Anita—"

  "Pretty name."

  "Thinking about Anita," Emily continued, "and I'm too lazy or scared to ask Anita on a date so eventually I can ask her into bed instead of you. So who are you too lazy or scared to ask out, and curled up here with me instead?"

  "Someone I shouldn't be thinking about. But it's not right to use you so I can not think about her."

  "CJ. I've seen the way she looks at you."

  "She looks at me?" Karita inwardly cringed at how juvenile she sounded.

  Emily propped herself up on one elbow. "Not the usual way, not with her tongue hanging out. But she is always looking for you, or at you, when she thinks no one is focused on her." Emily kissed her softly. "I can't blame her. Just looking at you makes me feel better, no matter what."

  "I'm not right for her."

  Emily frowned. "I'm far more concerned about her not being right for you. She's a ticking time bomb of issues, and you'd spend all your time dealing with her shit, and all the while she'd be refusing professional help and there you'd be. You know what it's called."

  "Co-dependent." Karita stifled a yawn. "Yes, I know. And at the same time, I'm barely afloat financially and she's a highly successful real estate broker with testimonials about her ability to make deals that everyone loves."

  "Google her much?"

  Karita blushed to the roots of her hair. "Okay, maybe. Obviously, success and cash mean a lot to her—just like Mandy. We know how that went."

  "Mandy was stunted. From what you told me she was all or nothing. If you didn't give her all, she gave you nothing. CJ is a different deal. She's shrink-wrapped her pain and thinks that makes her life tidy." Emily kissed her with more heat. "And if I have to make love to you every day to save you from some karmically bankrupt yuppie's clutches, it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make."

  Karita giggled into Emily's kisses. "No, you're going to be courting the lovely Anita. Or letting her court you."

  Emily closed her eyes and pulled Karita close. "So, we're not going to do this again, are we?"

  "No," Karita said. They'd said it before, but this time it felt final. The wave of tenderness she felt for Emily rose in her again, with a sense of loss. She trusted, however, that they'd both grown and changed, and they would always mean something special to each other. They might not have this type of intimacy again, but the loving friendship was for always. She'd never regret having spent these nights together.

  Elske er elske, Gran would have said. Love is love. In spite of Mandy, she still believed that feeling and giving love made more love. It was enough magic to believe in, at least for tonight. Such a thought would have usually let her drop off to sleep, but it took a few more minutes because of the tiny voice asking, "But what about tomorrow?"

  Chapter 8

  "You told them I was your date?" CJ set down her briefcase and pressed the boot button on her computer.

  "No!" Burnett spluttered into his soda. "No, I told Cray we were work colleagues and you'd like the show too, even if you were a woman."

  "But why are you taking your new would-be client to a gay revue?" To CJ, the venue was far, far too personal.

  "I'm not taking him. He just mentioned he wouldn't be able to meet for a quick proposal review because he had tickets to the Babylon. I said I hadn't seen the new show but had heard good things. I was about to wish him a pleasant night when he said he had two extra tickets friends couldn't use."

  "Does he know you're gay?" CJ wasn't sure she even knew, but she decided if he was he might as well just tell her.

  "I'm guessing yes, or he wouldn't have brought up the Babylon. I'd say he doesn't really ping the gaydar, but if you saw him in a gay club he wouldn't look out of place either."

  Just like you, CJ could have said. This conversation was not how she had planned to start her day. "So you told him you were asking a woman to go with you?"

  "Well, I emphasized the work colleague thing," Burnett said. "Of course, I thanked him for the offer, too."

  "Okay, since I'm a work colleague, it's quite possible he'll think you're bringing business to a social engagement, which it sounds like wasn't his intention." CJ knew she'd probably enjoy the show. The write-ups had raved about the campy humor and music. But the show was Thursday night and she'd not get home until midnight. She had a tenant build-out construction budget review at seven Friday morning and her last stint at the shelter that evening. There was no way she could handle that. She felt far older than thirty-five to say it, but she was too old for that kind of schedule.

  Burnett's smile was completely without guile. "But if you dyke it up he'll know you're family. Unless you want him to presume you're a fag hag."

  For a very short moment, CJ wasn't sure what to say. Then the light in his oh-so-puppy-dog eyes flickered ever so slightly. Did he honestly think he could play her? She gave him a prim look. "Dyke it up?"

  "C'mon, break out that leather jacket and the Gold Wing gloves."

  "Don't get cheeky."

  Burnett, to CJ's shock, laughed. "You should see your face."

  "Hey, listen." She gave him a level look. "For this deal you need to think of me as your boss, and you don't talk to bosses that way, got it?" Damn it, the corner of her mouth started to quiver. "Never, ever mention a Honda to a Harley gal."

  Burnett hooted with glee and CJ couldn't help but laugh, too. Evidently, Burnett had missed the part where she made it plain she could squash him like a little bug if she wanted. He had succeeded in playing on her sympathies—not at all the puppy dog she'd taken him for.

  "So," she said with a sigh. "When and where will I meet up with you for this cheerful outing?"

  True to her word, Pam had called for lunch again, and seemed in such good spirits that Karita immediately agreed. This time she arrived at the deli first and opted for falafel drizzled with a pungent tahini dressing. Halfway to one of the few empty tables she realized that CJ was leaning against the wall, obviously waiting for her order.

  An odd sensation suffused her chest—was that her heart leaping? Was she blushing now? After being somewhat successful at not dwelling overmuch on the kiss, the memory of it was suddenly vivid, especially that feeling that with CJ there would be a fire like she had yet to experience. No, no, no, she told herself. She stabbed herself mentally with memories of Mandy to try to control the smile she knew gave away far too much.

  CJ watched her approach with a welcoming look that lacked the carefully masked tension of her demeanor at the shelter. "Hi, stranger."

  "Hey there." As if she didn't already know the answer from Google, Karita asked, "You work close by?"

  "A couple of blocks. I'm hooked on the egg salad so once a week, here I am. How about you?"

  "The law office is about five blocks that way." She gestured with her bag. "I'm meeting someone."

  "Another lunch date?" To Karita's puzzled look, she continued, "I saw you last week. She's very cute."

  "Oh, you mean Pam. It's not a…" Maybe it was better that CJ think Pam was responsible for the blush she was dead certain now stained her cheeks. A completely cowardly choice, she acknowledged, and not one an elf would pick. But she wasn't an elf, right now she felt like one hundred percent woman, and the most female parts of her body were trying to get the upper hand with her common sense. She knew she sounded unconvincing when she said, "It's not really a date."

  "If you say so."

  "She's jus
t a friend." Dang it, it was too hard not to be honest.

  CJ opened her mouth to say something, then closed it.

  "What?" Karita gave her a teasing look. "You got a problem with me?"

  "No problem, ma'am. I was… Is Emily just a friend?"

  Karita knew she went from flushed to beet red. "How did— "

  "I'm teasing," CJ said quickly.

  "No you're not. And I just confirmed it. You should be an interrogator."

  "I'm sorry, really. I did mean just to tease. I went back last Friday to get Emily to sign something and overheard you on the back porch. Before that…" She shrugged. "You seemed like close friends, that's all."

  "We are." Karita had no idea exactly what she had wanted from this conversation, but revelations about her sex life were definitely not it. "We are. And I love Emily a lot. It's just not… We just…sometimes…"

  "I'm not judging you, really. I'm hardly a prude." CJ looked at her feet for a moment, then said, "Personally, I think relationships suffer from high expectations. If the people in the relationship get what they want out of it, everyone else should just wish they were so lucky. I've known a lot of really moral people who were miserable in their marriages and spent their lives pointing out how everyone else was sinning. I think it's envy, plain and simple. People who don't know how to be happy can't stand that other people have figured it out."

  "That's the root of judgment in the world isn't it? Taking your own emotional issues and blaming other people for them? It's what a batterer does, albeit to an extreme degree." Karita hoped she was no longer red as a raspberry. What must CJ think of her? "Batterers are the ultimate bullies, hurting someone else to make themselves feel better. Oh!"

  "What?"

  Karita blinked in surprise at CJ. "I just had a thought I hadn't had before. The friend I'm meeting—it's a work thing. Something I should tell her, that's all," she finished hurriedly after they heard CJ's name called at the counter. "See you tomorrow night, right?"

  "I'll be there. Gotta do my time." CJ pointed. "Your date's here."