The Kiss That Counted

by Karin Kallmaker

  "You keep saying things like that. I understand you have some kind of issue with law enforcement—"

  "To put it mildly."

  "But it's not like they're coming for you tonight. Home is the best place for you. Things will seem better in the morning."

  "You don't understand." She tried to spur her mind into a faster speed. Karita was adamant that she recuperate at home. Maybe if she appeared to agree, Karita would tuck her in and leave. Then she could head for Canada.

  "You're right, I don't understand," Karita said. "You don't have to tell me either. It's not like you owe me anything. All we did was kiss."

  Yeah, CJ wanted to agree. All we did was kiss, and it changed my life. I want desperately to be on a path toward you and I have to go the other direction. "What I've told you is true."

  "I believe you. Like I said, though, there's more truth. You're not a killer, CJ. And I don't think you should tell me more now because your defenses are down."

  "What if I want to tell you?"

  "Then tomorrow is soon enough. You'll have to call in sick, I think."

  There was no point in saying that she had been planning to quit by long distance and tell Jerry to give all her unpaid commissions to Burnett. "Fine. Whatever."

  Karita gave her a suspicious look. "So where do I park?"

  CJ pointed out the reserved spot. She was supposed to be in Cheyenne by now. She peered into the decently lit walkway and was relieved to see that no one was lurking. Even if Daria was savvy enough to hit the Internet after seeing CJ's picture, it wasn't easy to come up with a home address unless you paid a fee. Why do that when CJ's workplace was already known? They'd look for her there first

  Getting out of the car proved a challenge, but she gave it her best effort since she hoped to convince Karita she could be left alone. Her knee was stiff, but less painful. The stitches in her hip were really sore.

  "Are you doing okay?"

  "Yes." She got the door unlocked and herself inside, switching on the lights as she went. It didn't look as if anyone had been there since she'd left that morning. There were no unusual aromas of cigarettes or cologne.

  A thump behind her made her turn too sharply and she felt the resulting stab of pain all through her leg. Karita was rolling the suitcase along with her.

  She closed the door and leaned on the case, her stance defiant. "So, okay, wishful thinking. If you want to leave, you have to get it back out there all by yourself."

  CJ wanted to laugh but the situation was too surreal. What was left of her rationality went up in smoke because Karita was in her apartment. Karita was looking around her, taking it in. Abby's place was a shoebox, but modern. CJ saw the faded Formica and antique kitchen appliances through Karita's eyes. It was safe and clean, but surprise was plain on Karita's face.

  "What you expected?"

  "No." Karita hauled the suitcase into the bedroom. "I couldn't tell you what it was I did expect, though. My grandmother had the same countertops in the house where I grew up."

  She wanted in the worst way to sit down, lay down, but she didn't want to show Karita how weak she felt.

  Karita came out of the bedroom, took one look at her, and said, "Remember what I said about pigheaded?"

  CJ hobbled to the kitchen, trying to make it look as if she was after a glass of water, not the counter to lean on. "I'll be fine"

  "I'm not leaving." Karita took the glass out of CJ's hand.

  She didn't know if her knees were weak because of her injuries or because Karita was so close. "You have to go."

  "I've got it sorted out, my own thoughts at least," Karita said softly. "You're hurt and half high and my usual deal is to nurture and cuddle, get you fed and into a safe, warm bed. But that's not what's on my mind, not what being alone with you has me thinking about."

  "You have to go." CJ desperately told herself not to touch Karita's hair. "You have to…go." She couldn't let Karita do this. She didn't want to be another charity case. If a kiss had changed her, what would passion do? There was nothing simple about how she felt, nothing light or easy. Of all the things she'd suffered, the next few minutes of her life were the ones that could hurt the most.

  "Make me leave tomorrow, then," Karita whispered. Her lips feathered softly across CJ's. "If this is all the time we get, then why not have what we can?"

  CJ captured Karita's wandering hand against her stomach. "Because this isn't all we'll want. I won't be able to send you away tomorrow, and you know it. Then my life becomes your life."

  It was unreal that those incredible blue eyes were gazing at her with no shadows, no secrets. "I'm free to make that choice."

  The heat from Karita's hand was melting away the last of her defenses. "What if I can't handle the guilt if anything happens to you?"

  "Anything that happens to me is because of my choices, and not because I love you."

  Dear God, CJ thought. She doesn't know anything. Who I am, where I come from. She didn't think that maniac with the baseball bat would hurt her either.

  Then, with a sensation in her heart so sharp it was painful, she realized what Karita had said.

  She loves me.

  I feel magic when I touch her, Karita thought. I know I'm not an elf, and I know I can't wiggle my nose and fix the world, but this is a kind of magic we can make. But it takes her, too, it takes her belief and her trying, too.

  "I'm not doing this for your sake." Karita untangled her hand from CJ's. "Not even for mine. I want this for the sake of what we could have."

  "You have to go," CJ said again. "You're not Abby. I'm not Emily. This isn't casual."

  "I know that." Karita trembled as CJ's fingers. slipped through her hair. She knew how she could feel when a woman touched her. She knew how it felt to be bathed in affection and tenderness. None of that seemed to have anything to do with the powerful emotions CJ roused—love better than she deserved, and longing more than she could believe.

  She stopped telling herself CJ was just another Mandy—she no longer believed it. It wasn't a frog or a princess, no Assassin of Magic, gazing at her with fear and desire. A woman, that was all. And that was everything.

  Wishful thinking that fate was granting all her wishes had blinded Karita to Mandy's flaws. She'd loved without reservation and been discarded like an empty champagne bottle. Only now did she realize there was more to risk in loving someone than casual passion, because only now was it clear that she could get hurt all the way to her core.

  "I'm afraid I'll make your injuries worse," Karita said. Electricity seemed to dance from CJ's fingertips and along the nerves on Karita's neck. Her skin tightened in reflex. She wanted to be naked so CJ could cover her.

  One corner of CJ's mouth lifted in a crooked smile. "My knee is about to give out."

  "Then you decide." Karita brushed her cheek along CJ's, then lightly tugged CJ's earlobe with her teeth. "Do I help you get to the sofa or the bed?"

  Heat seemed to rise off CJ's body. Another revelation—sex in her past had been about the magic of women, the beauty of their bodies and what they could experience through them. Any hands and mouths touching with affection and knowledge could create the same response. Sex was that simple. With CJ, for the first time, Karita felt as if she knew things no one else did, and her touch would open doors no one else had known even existed.

  "You're making it impossible for me to think clearly." CJ shivered against Karita.

  "Don't think. Do what you want." CJ's chest rose and fell against her own in an uneven rhythm that Karita understood. Emotions overloaded her senses and it felt as if there wasn't room inside her for anything so ordinary as air.

  "Take me to bed, then." CJ gave a little moan. Karita pulled back enough to look at her. "Don't ask me if I'm sure. Just take me to bed."

  Arms around waists, they awkwardly crossed the thin carpet to the bedroom. Part of Karita was glad it was a small place while part of her wondered that CJ lived so simply. The furniture was more functional than stylish. Given th
e money she made, a person might expect an array of electronics, but only a simple stereo system was apparent. The other bedroom held only a small desk, a fling cabinet and a workout bench. CJ's room was just as simple, with curtains and linens that could have come from any of the kinds of stores where Karita shopped out of necessity. CJ wore designer clothes that suited her career, but her home didn't reflect those tastes.

  She wasn't Mandy, Karita told herself again. She wouldn't want Karita because she made a nice accessory.

  Karita pulled back the covers and helped CJ sit down. "Do you need help with your clothes?"

  CJ cleared her throat. "Need it? No."

  Her bones suddenly turned to liquid, Karita decided it best to kneel. With care she eased CJ's injured wrist free of the shirt sleeve and with equal care freed the other arm.

  "I'm not a child," CJ said.

  "No…" Karita brushed her teeth across the front of CJ's bra, finding and capturing a nipple beneath the fabric. CJ shuddered. "No, you're not, but you are fragile. At least at the moment."

  CJ squirmed as Karita pulled the shirt over her head. "I just want—I just want you to know that I would usually be more aggressive."

  "There's nothing usual about this for me, either." Karita gazed into CJ's eyes. The pupils were lost in the dark depths, but deep down there was that persistent golden light that beckoned to her. The color of her soul, Karita thought, and she kissed CJ, kissed her as if that first kiss had never ended.

  The fire. that had been kindled that night began to dance along her nerves all over again and only then did she fully admit it had never stopped. It wasn't the ephemeral flash of fireworks or the quick fare of shooting stars. Lost in the welcome warmth of CJ's mouth, Karita pushed away the fear of burning from this pervasive heat. There wasn't another choice because CJ had put her hands in her hair again, and she felt opened from the inside.

  It was almost impossible to break the kiss. She didn't want it to stop but there were still clothes in the way and CJ's knee to consider. "We shouldn't do this," Karita said. She briefly touched CJ's swollen knee.

  "Now you say that."

  "I'm scared. And you're in no condition to…"

  "If we stop now, I'll be in no condition for anything." CJ's hands moved slowly to the buttons on her jeans. She didn't resist when Karita pushed her gently back on the bed and slipped the buttons free herself.

  Making sure to avoid the three small bandages on CJ's hip, she pulled down the jeans, taking shoes and socks with them. The long, smooth legs were warm against her hands. She wanted to bury her face into the heat of the yielding inner thighs, and use her mouth to pull aside the hi-cut panties. There was time, she thought, time enough to savor her.

  Smiling down at CJ, Karita reached for one of the pillows. "You get comfortable and I'll put this under your knee."

  CJ bit her lower lip as she repositioned herself. She closed her eyes as her body finally relaxed into the bed. "Thank you."

  She looks absolutely wiped out, Karita thought. How can I be thinking about doing what I want to do when she can't keep her eyes open?

  Her eyes still closed, CJ reached up with one hand. "Don't go."

  "I won't." Karita kicked off her clogs. Her clothes joined CJ's on the floor.

  Their fingertips touched and CJ opened her eyes again. "I might not be up for sex, but I want to make love." She laughed. "Okay, that's the drugs talking. I'm not usually so sappy."

  Karita grinned as she joined CJ on the bed. "I don't mind sappy."

  CJ's olive skin didn't easily show a blush, but it did now. "There are things inside me that I never knew were there."

  "I know what you mean." Karita caught back a gasp as she slid her body the length of CJ's, coming to a gentle rest along her uninjured side.

  She didn't know how long they kissed. She didn't care. It felt as if their bodies were losing their separateness. When Karita touched the palm of her hand to the softness of CJ's belly their moans were breathlessly mutual. Every sensation reflected back to her. She knew CJ's breasts had tightened when her own did as well. She knew what she would find when she touched CJ lower, because that heat swam between her own legs, too.

  Discarded lingerie ended up on the floor. Taking care to avoid CJ's knee, Karita moved half on top of her, and they were skin to skin for the first time. Kisses. Shared air. Brushes of eyelashes against noses. Karita's hair falling across CJ's face. Each moment was separated with a long kiss that fed the rising fire.

  "Can you?"

  "Yes."

  "Darling…"

  They were both shaking. There was no laughter to ease the tension.

  Struggling for words, for reassurance when she felt as if something inside her was strained to the breaking point, Karita whispered, "I don't feel like a hummingbird."

  "I didn't mean—"

  "You were right. It's easy to float. It's easy to let you touch me. I've never done the hard part before—feeling your touch and letting it push me up so high that I can see how far it will be if I fall."

  "Karita." It sounded like an endearment the way CJ said it now. "I'll catch you."

  "Please, CJ." Karita buried her face in CJ's shoulder. The tears began when CJ's fingers. finally touched her. She was scared because there was no magic to protect her. She had to trust CJ now while it felt as if her soul was breaking into shards and she might never be whole again.

  They moved faster. Karita was aware of the little noises she couldn't hold back, so different from the lusty groans, heated words and earthy encouragement of her past. Maybe someday it could be that simple with CJ, but right now there seemed no end to the layers of feelings, inside and out, aroused by the swirling and teasing of CJ's fingers. Her heart danced among clouds and stars, between light and dark.

  "Karita."

  "Don't stop."

  "I won't let you fall."

  She cried out in disbelief when her frenzy peaked. She seized the pillow to either side of CJ's head and held on while her body shook into a star shower of light that illuminated CJ's eyes. Deep down, on the other side of their midnight depths, Karita saw the truth. "You love me."

  "Yes."

  Her head was spinning, but she knew it wasn't the altitude. Or maybe it was. She'd never been this high up before, so high that mountains were at her feet.

  She could fall, Karita knew that. She could resist it, cling to safety. She didn't wait to fall—instead, she jumped. Spreading herself on CJ's hands, she gave herself to wherever their feelings would lead them.

  CJ's arms tightened around her, gathering all of her up, safe, close, treasured. Karita regained her reason, and was glad of the solidity of the bed, of CJ. She hadn't fallen anywhere. She smiled into CJ's shoulder. She hadn't fallen—she'd flown. "Say that again."

  "Yes, I love you."

  They weren't supposed to be hard words to say. Maybe with practice it would be easier. CJ tightened her arms around Karita, quietly shushing the tears. She wanted to say she didn't know what had just happened between them, but the truth was she didn't want to believe it.

  She had thought she would need to lie, scam and cheat her way into bed with a woman like Karita. Instead, she'd told her the truth and she was wrapped in a grace that still seemed to belong to someone else.

  She had walked away from the Gathering but she knew it was still inside her. It was difficult to let go of the idea that love didn't exist, and trust was only an exploitable vulnerability. She did not have to deceive someone who loved her, but it was hard to put any more truths into words.

  She tried. "I've never said that to anyone before."

  Karita stilled.

  "It's the only thing I have to give you, Karita. There's been no one else, ever. Not any kind of love. I guess that could be scary."

  Karita raised her head. "You don't scare me."

  "I should. I'm not—"

  "Ssh. Not now. God, not now." Karita kissed her.

  Every nerve in CJ's body wanted Karita to touch her, love her, so wh
y was she working so hard to get Karita to stop? Karita couldn't possibly understand or believe her.

  "It was all the truth, Karita. I've done really horrible things."

  Karita nuzzled just under CJ's jawline. "Do you regret them?"

  "Every day. Sometimes I don't trust myself, why I do something, but I do regret hurting people."

  "That's all that matters."

  The blue eyes of a Madonna gleamed at her. She's just a woman, CJ reminded herself. Just a woman who could touch her in intimate, carnal ways and yet do so with such goodness and grace that she felt loved by a goddess. Just a woman—all of that, inside her. Maybe Abby had it too. Maybe all women did. They just needed the right person to let it shine.

  Long fingers. stroked the length of her torso. It was nothing like the explosive waves of passion that had swept her away with other women. The feelings started deeper, in places beyond touch. She had no way to discover where these feelings led except to yield, to feel the truth of her words to Karita and let herself be changed.

  She caught Karita when she might have moved lower. "No, kiss me. Kiss me, and—" Her breath caught in her throat at the first sure touch of Karita's fingers. between her legs. Her legs parted farther in response and she barely felt her knee's protest.

  It was nothing she could have planned for, or lied to get, nothing she could have set out to achieve or carefully plotted to create. From Karita's touch something flowed so powerfully, so unrestrained that it could only be given, not stolen. Light flooded every dark place, and even when the pleasure peaked and faded, the light stayed. I earned this, CJ thought, and the certainty flooded her senses and opened doors to all the parts of her she denied could exist.

  The slick, welcome motion of Karita's fingers. finally stopped. In spite of her body's now audible reminders about its various hurts, she felt an undeniable pang. More…she wanted more. She wasn't sure she could ever get enough.

  Karita whispered, "I don't know what this is, but it's not sex."

  CJ smiled into her kiss. "Then I think we'll just have to keep doing it until we get it figured out." She grazed Karita's breast with her fingers. and felt the responsive tingle shiver back and forth between them all over again.