FetteredLove

by Michelle Polaris

  “You hate it there. You worked your butt off for this degree and you have dreams, and the balls to make them happen. You think I want you up my ass back home ‘helping’ and growing more pissed every day that I can’t be what you want and you can’t get what you want lost in the corn fields?” Her breathing was faster than she liked. She wanted to turn tail and run, but if this was goodbye, she needed to do it better than this. “I love you more than that, Kirk. I love me more than that because I don’t want us to end up hating one another. I have to leave and you have to stay. I’m sorry if you don’t like that.”

  Kirk’s stare bore through her. His jaw clenched and his fists closed tight around air. Finally he spoke, an automaton. “My party starts in ten. I’m late. Sounds like you might have an early flight. Say hello to your mom for me when she’s able to understand and same to the kids.”

  This was it. Shit. She would not cry. No way. She was more or less asking to end it and he was obliging. Too bad it meant pulling all her organs inside out in her body.

  “Goodbye, Kirk. Take care of yourself.” She turned around and left him, trying hard not to stumble—the sensation worse than any flogging, any caning she’d given or received.

  There was no pleasure in the pain that existed where she was headed.

  ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

  Twelve years. Fighting the almost daily urge to pick up the phone and call him. Evan too, although she’d never imagined the number would be the same. All her cool Domme mojo deserted her while waiting for them at Unfettered.

  As she tapped a staccato beat on the tabletop, a woman Sarah guessed was the manager strolled over to her, her long black hair and blue eyes leaving the impression of a sleek raven. Although on the short side and conservatively dressed for a kinky venue, she emitted a vibe of power. If Sarah had to lay money, she’d guess Domme.

  “Hello. You’re new here. My name’s Dru.” She extended her hand.

  Sarah rose, taking her hand. “Nice to meet you. I’m Sarah.”

  “The hotline sent you.”

  Sarah started, taken aback that Dru knew this information. No one at work had mentioned it.

  Her low, pleasant chuckle set Sarah at ease. “Don’t worry. The management there places a courtesy call to Unfettered when they’ve sent clients this way. They said one of their new staff might make an appearance.” She shrugged her shoulders. “It’s a slow night, no out-of-line Doms or subs to manage. No public scenes to monitor.” She winked. “Too bad, huh? But it’s early yet.”

  “Is this place new? I’ve only hit town recently, but my friend, I mean client, hadn’t heard of you and he’s been around the scene in Boston for some time.”

  “We are new. And very selective in our clientele, so we spread the word in an untraditional manner.”

  “I guess that explains it.” The nagging questions about the place still hovered, but she had more important things to worry about. Such as if she were about to be smashed into a million tiny bits by the two men who meant the most to her—or if her heart were.

  Dru cocked her head at Sarah, examining her too closely. “You look a bit wound up tonight. I’d send one or two or ten of the club submissives your way to relax if I didn’t know you were working.”

  “I look that bad?”

  “Let’s just say I wouldn’t want to be on the receiving end of your paddle tonight. Though I wouldn’t mind watching.” A cat grin spread over her mouth.

  Sarah liked the woman.

  “It’s been awhile.”

  “Is that it or something else?”

  “I¼” What did someone say to a stranger when she comes face-to-face with one of the worst screw-ups in her life and worried there was no making it better? And a huge clock was ticking over her head, about to gong midnight, end the party and come crashing down to splinter her dreams.

  “No,” she shook her head. “It is more. I decided to take a chance this evening. It’s scaring the shit out of me.”

  “Good. When we forget to take some chances, we lose ourselves, or at least the potential for new kinds of wonderful.”

  Sarah couldn’t help but smile. “You both run the place and offer philosophical advice. Thanks, Lucy. Do I owe you a nickel?”

  Dru chuckled again. “Nah, Charlie Brown. This one’s on the house.” She turned toward the front entrance of the club. “I think you’re up.”

  The direction of her gaze drew Sarah’s attention to the two men currently walking into Unfettered. She dismissed the way Dru had known exactly who she expected and lost herself drinking in the sight of the guys. The thick beat of blood through her veins pulsed with feelings she dared not name. Dark contrasted with sandy-haired as Kirk walked ahead of Evan, her former submissive wearing only a leather G-string and collar, head bent and following Kirk in his leather pants and boots, his white shirt opened at the chest to display the dark hair dusting his pecs.

  She watched as Kirk stopped, murmured behind him to Evan, who raised his head and scanned the club. Sarah wished she’d remained seated and less easily spotted, wanting to push off the inevitable and dying for it to rush to her at the same time.

  She knew the exact moment Kirk spotted her. The temperature dropped in the room. Her pulse sped as his eyes lit up wide then spiraled down to irate fire. He pivoted and approached the bar, consulted with Jared in a furious whisper. Jared tossed his head in her direction. Kirk’s shoulders went rigid but slowly he turned her way.

  Evan, interestingly, had rested his eyes on her the entire time, looking unsurprised.

  They approached and she held steady. You can do this, girl. They loved you once.

  Kirk stopped in front of her. “What are you doing here?” He’d positioned himself in front of Ev, as if protecting him.

  Evan moved sideways, came parallel to his Master, keeping his gaze up and fastened on her.

  “I’m the consultant from the hotline Evan called.”

  The scorching anger from Kirk flowed through the air, taking on a life of its own.

  “Of course the fuck you are. Did Evan know it was you?”

  “No,” she said.

  “Yes,” Evan contradicted.

  “What?” She turned his way, shocked.

  “I recognized your voice, Sarah. How are you, Mistress?”

  She dipped her head. “Don’t call me that. I don’t deserve it anymore.”

  Kirk’s fists tightened by his side. “You should have had the decency to transfer the call to someone else once he told you his name. How low to show up here.”

  Her head swung up. “Apparently Evan didn’t have a problem with it.” She bit her tongue after the words, knowing she only made things worse.

  “Do you even have a prospective mother in mind? Or is this just a game? After twelve years, I have no clue who you’ve become.”

  “I’m still me, Kirk. It’s no game. I wanted—”

  “If you wanted something from us, you should have called once during this last decade.”

  “Kirk, give her a break.”

  “Why should I? She broke your heart. I only thank god I was smart enough to come around and pick up the pieces.”

  “Since I seem to be whole now, and I’m no wilting flower, maybe you can stop being an asshole for one moment and just sit down for a conversation.”

  She liked this side of Evan. She’d seen some of it years ago when they were together. He’d been completely hers at that time, but that never meant he was without backbone.

  “Fine,” Kirk bit out. “I’ll sit. But I’m not promising sunshine or even manners.”

  Evan rolled his eyes. “Of course not.”

  “Damn subs,” Kirk mumbled.

  Ev pulled out the chair for Kirk and then came around and did the same for her, bending his head to her as he did. “Mistress,” he murmured, gesturing her into the seat.

  He made it look so easy. Evan excelled at that, putting everyone at ease. It was one reason she’d fallen in love with him. He liked people, liked being kind, liked givi
ng to her from a genuine warm place in his heart. He fell into submission so easily, deep and with his entire being. He craved giving a Mistress, or a Master she supposed, anything that truly touched the soul with pleasure. Thoughtful, funny, intelligent, artistic. God, she’d been an idiot to walk away from that because of a misguided need to sacrifice and be a martyr. She’d wasted over ten years of her life. Well, not wasted. Her siblings’ successes were testimony to the worth of her sacrifice. She struggled to figure out how it could have been different and came up empty.

  Evan folded down on his knees next to Kirk’s chair, a standard waiting position, but if he couldn’t quite keep his eyes averted, his Master didn’t seem to notice or care. Ev’s hand snaked to Kirk’s knee, rested there in reassurance to help the dark-haired man soothe the frothing agitation radiating from him.

  “Permission to speak, Master?” Evan said.

  Kirk turned to him. His face relaxed an increment, shoulders dropped. “Thank you for trying to take care of me in this shitty situation. But you are just as much a part of this. I promise you can coddle me later. Get up, sit in the chair. Our presence at a club notwithstanding, I think we’ve blown away our typical rules for the scene.” He cupped a palm against Ev’s face and rubbed a thumb against his cheek before releasing.

  Amazingly, Ev reached over and did the same to him as he stood. Kirk let him. Maybe things had changed for Kirk. She hoped so.

  “So what do you want?” Kirk bit out as he refocused on her while Evan sat.

  “To see how you are. To apologize. To congratulate you on your upcoming wedding.” She gnawed at her lip. “To maybe help. Evan tells me you want a child.”

  Kirk crossed his arms and leaned back in his chair. “Quite an agenda. But I think we can figure this out without you.” His lips tightened, a beat passed. “How is your family, by the way?”

  The usual stroke of sadness hit. “Mom died two years ago. She never really recovered. Jassy went off to college this year. Paul’s almost done. Clay has been on his own but helping out since he graduated. He seems to be content to stay in town.”

  “I’m sorry,” he said. “About your mom. She never had it easy.”

  “No. But the ten years after the accident were no way to live.” The nausea roiled, but she swallowed it back. She refused to let her regret leach away her effort to build something new, something better. Finally.

  Evan rested his palm on top of her knuckles and she sucked in a shaky breath. So gentle. Nothing she’d had in her life for years.

  “What’s going on, Sarah? I’m happy to see you, but tell us.”

  She took a deep breath. If she could just keep her lips moving. “I moved back here six months ago. The hotline is temporary work, but I’ve found a job and I begin managing a local food pantry next week. I wanted to come back to Cambridge. I’ve contacted Harvard and I can finish up my credits through their extension school. I’ll get my degree, work my job. Rebuild my life.”

  Evan’s eyebrows rose. “Sorry, Mistress. Not off the hook that easily, although I’m glad to hear about school and the job. I meant, what’s going on that brought you here. You said an apology and to help. What do you mean?”

  Ev always did go to the heart of a matter. Time to take the risk. Either she did this or she needed to accept this unfinished part of her life and move on.

  Deep breath. “I have a proposition.” Her teeth bit into her lip and she forced her mouth to relax. “I’m offering to become the mother of your child. I’d stay out of your way and work to arrange the financial and time-share parts of it so we can all be happy. I want to be a mother and have my own children. And frankly, I haven’t met anyone interesting back in the scene. They don’t¼fit anymore. I’d rather choose something I know I want, a baby, with men I respect instead of meaningless scenes.”

  And it was the truth. Mostly.

  “No,” Kirk answered.

  Evan turned to him. “Let’s discuss this.”

  “No discussion. She can’t walk back into our lives and tell us she wants to mother our children.” He leaned closer. “You just finished caring for three kids and sacrificing your personal life for years. I’d take a careful look at yourself, dear, wanting to jump back into child-rearing. If this is about guilt over leaving us, our desire for children won’t be the mechanism to get rid of it.” He raked his hair. “Plus, babe, I plain don’t want your offer.”

  “If I have guilt, it’s not enough to drive me to this type of decision. I’ve thought this through. You two are the finest men I know. I’ve always wanted my own kids, Kirk. You know that.”

  He said nothing. This wasn’t going to work. God, what was she going to do? All her stoicism since the doctor’s news had crumbled to dust once she’d tasted this chance at reconnecting with the two men she loved most in the world.

  Evan squeezed her hand tighter. “Sarah, I want to hear your thoughts, but you’re sure you don’t need time on your own? A personal life gets quite a cramp with pregnancy and a baby. You deserve space for yourself.”

  Her stomach fell, but she refused to pull out the guilt card of her medical situation. They’d make their choices without the little extra tidbit of information. Even if it killed something inside her. It wasn’t giving up the idea of a baby that hurt most but closing the door on even the chance to rebuild the friendships with them. She’d trade away her dream of children to be with these men. Her heart, no less her soul told her they were worth it.

  She shrugged with calculation. “I’ve tried for six months to find a personal life that feels good. It’s not doing it for me.” She searched his face. “You won’t take my offer either.”

  “I’m not saying that.”

  Kirk sent him a nasty look.

  She sat straighter, hyperaware of every nuance of Kirk’s expression. “If I do this with you, I’d have free time when you two have the baby. I never assumed this was a live-in position.”

  “There’s no position available at all. I do not trust you,” Kirk said with ice in his words.

  She blinked her eyes slowly, to give herself time to breathe past the fire in her lungs.

  “Shut up, Kirk,” Evan said, and turned to her. “Do you want it to be a live-in?”

  Kirk fisted his hands on the table. “You have to be fucking kidding me, Ev? You do see me sitting here? I won’t be part of this.”

  Stupid girl. What did you think would happen? “It’s all right, Evan. He doesn’t want it. I was ridiculous to propose it. The last thing I want to do is hurt either of you again.”

  “Not all right, Sarah, because I would like this. It makes perfect sense to me that a woman I love should mother my children.”

  The air in the room disappeared into a vacuum—there one moment, gone the next. Loved her? Evan still loved her. She let the dam break inside her chest and the waves of grief and longing roll out into the rest of her body, the desperate love she’d banked for both men over the years rippling over her. She swiped at the single tear escaping her eye, frantic to force back the deluge.

  Kirk pushed his chair away from the table with a scrape. “You don’t love her.”

  Evan frowned. “I love you, Kirk.” There was a frigid edge to his voice she’d never heard. “You know that. And I respect you and all those funky hurting parts of you that are skewing your thinking right now. But I won’t let you throw away a chance like this. If you love and respect me too, you’ll consider this.”

  “Do you know what you’re asking?”

  “I know. I know how you’ve felt all these years. We tiptoe around all that leftover garbage you two share. You were best friends since you were six and she was eight.”

  “Relationships end and new ones begin. We will find another way. You may be willing to consider this, but I will not. Having a kid with her is no fucking type of relationship therapy.”

  He turned to Kirk and stood, looming over him. “Do you trust me?”

  “What the fuck do you think I’ve been doing with you all this time? W
ould I be here if I didn’t?”

  “So yes, you do.” He thrust his finger in her direction. “And I trust Sarah. So do me the damn courtesy of a chance to show both of you this is the right thing to do. Trust me to know something about the two people I love and listen to my proposal.”

  Kirk glared. Evan glared back. Kirk’s jaw ticked. Evan crossed his arms. Waited.

  And won.

  “Fine,” Kirk said from between gritted teeth. “What’s the ridiculous proposal?”

  The smile broke out from Evan’s thunderous expression, as if ready to burst through with the least provocation. “Good.”

  He pulled out his chair and sat again. “I want us to share a scene. You and Sarah working together to dominate me. You sit down and plan side by side to make it work. All I ask is that you give a true effort to do this with her.” He glanced her way. “I know the two of you can work together. You never tried this when you were crashing around against each other as your friendship disintegrated in college.” Evan snorted, seemingly at himself. “Think of it as making my perfect erotic dream come true if you won’t do it for any other reason.”

  Kirk’s stunned expression matched her insides.

  “I haven’t shared you for the past five years. No joint scenes. And now it’s with her?”

  “I recall,” Evan answered. “Get over it this one time.” His face softened again. “I want to spend my life with you, but I don’t want regrets. Try it for me. If it doesn’t work or change how you feel, so be it. I’m begging you. I need it. You do too if you’d only admit it.”

  “Dominating you together has nothing to do with Sarah mothering our child.”

  “Personally, I think all this shit is tied together. But what do I know? I’m just the manipulative sub.” He grinned wide.

  A weighted minute passed. Kirk sighed. “Okay.”

  “What?” Sarah must have misheard.

  “I’ll agree for Evan’s sake. If you will.”

  The man had definitely changed. Sick hope lurched in her stomach as she nodded in shock. “I’ll do it.”

  From her side vision, she caught a strange, unguarded expression on Kirk’s face as he stole a glance at her. Longing maybe. The look vanished.