And didn't that just make Matt a world class asshole for even thinking such a thing, considering the miracle he was being given in being able to talk to Gil again?
The blast of a horn to Matt's left jolted him. He spun and turned, saw another white ranger truck pull alongside him. Matt's gaze cut back to Gil but he was gone. He wiped his upper lip, looked once again to the other truck. Matt groaned and cursed again. He shouldn't have bothered getting out of bed at all this morning.
Resigned, he pushed the power window button and the glass slid noiselessly down.
"I saw your truck and noticed you were parked all crooked. Is anything wrong?" Nick inquired.
"No. I just, uh, saw something in the ditch." He pointed to the back of his truck. "I got it."
"Right," Nick nodded, a smirk on his lips.
Nick rolled away and Matt heaved a sigh, leaned his head back onto the black vinyl seat.
Gil was back and wanted to talk about Lauren.
Lauren didn't want to talk about Gil.
Nick was, in all likelihood, sleeping with Lauren.
And, once again, Matt was left out in the cold.
"Goddamn, I need a shrink."
SIX
After the rough start at the office, then seeing Gil in the truck and Nick immediately afterward, the rest of the day had continued to go to shit. Now, after trying to work out his frustrations at the pool, Matt was heading home.
A horn blared to his left and Matt instinctively slammed the brakes and the clutch. An angry hand waved out the passenger window of a souped-up Dodge Neon, giving him the one finger salute.
"Same to you," Matt grumbled, then, watching the car drive away as the hand disappeared back inside the tinted window, he saw what he'd missed. A four-way stop sign.
It wasn't until he parked and went to shut off his lights that he realized he hadn't remembered to turn them on to begin with. Shaking his head, he beeped on the alarm and trudged up the stairs to his door. When he was safely inside, he took off his jacket, threw it on a chair and promptly ignored it when it slid off and sprawled onto his carpet.
He took a beer from the fridge, popped the lid and took a sip before dropping onto the couch. Stretching his legs out on the coffee table, Matt leaned his head back into the buttery soft leather, stared at the water stains on his ceiling, and rested his beer on his stomach.
"Buddy, you look like shit."
Matt jerked upright; his Doc Martens slammed to the floor. Beer geysered out of the can, flowed over his fingers and pooled on the beige carpet.
"Could you please stop popping up like that?" Matt demanded, setting the aluminum down and trudging to the kitchen for a dishtowel. He mopped up the mess while Gil watched. Watched and chuckled, damn it.
"You know, you could offer to help. This mess is your fault."
Gil made himself comfortable on the chair. "You, my friend, have become great entertainment."
Matt threw him a scowl. "Kiss my ass."
Gil roared. "It's good to know some things don't change."
"Glad I could entertain you," Matt grumbled, taking his beer and settling back onto the couch.
"I miss those," Gil said.
"Huh?" Matt asked, thrown by the abrupt change in conversation.
"Beer," Gil gestured to the blue and white can of Kokanee. "I miss the taste."
Well, finally, a break. Tucking his tongue into his cheek, Matt lifted the item in question to his face. "Really?" He shook the can slightly and licked the foam. "Mmm. Yeah, it's good. Cold, too." Then Matt lifted the can to his lips and drank deeply, deliberately making loud glugging noises in his throat.
"Fuck off."
It was Matt's turn to laugh. "Other than the mess on my carpet which will likely smell like stale piss in the morning, I'm glad you came by. I needed the laugh."
Gil shifted in the chair, draped a leg over the armrest while tucking an arm behind his head. "Yeah, well, laugh time's over. I came to ask you why you were so harsh with Lauren this morning?"
"She's not supposed to be hazing." He set the can down before he squeezed it too hard and spewed up more beer.
"It's not about the hazing, so quit blowing smoke up my ass. What's really the problem?"
Matt buried his face in his hands. God, he really didn't want to do this, not with Gil. Couldn't they talk about something else? Hockey? Football?
"Come on, Matt. Talk to me."
He lowered his arms. He couldn't lie to his best friend. Not like this. He'd accused Lauren of not honoring Gil's memory by lying. If he walked the walk then he needed to talk the talk.
"It's like talking to a bloody mannequin sometimes. She always used to laugh, kid around. Remember when she was full of piss and vinegar? Now she's," he sighed heavily, "she's cold."
Matt shook his head. "I don't know. It's the best way I can explain it."
"Is that why you went over to her place? To get a reaction?"
Matt almost swallowed his tongue. "You were there?"
"I saw you storm away mad, then I saw her crumble. Those were real tears, nothing cold about them."
Crying. Hell. Matt hung his head. Dammit, he hadn't gained any satisfaction yelling at her last night but he felt even worse now, knowing he'd made her cry.
"Buddy, I don't blame you."
Knowing he needed to face the music, Matt lifted his head. Gil's eyes were filled with compassion and understanding. Matt's burned with emotion; he'd been so terrified he'd let down his friend.
"You made a mistake, Matt." Gil's eyes clouded. "You didn't do anything that can't be made right."
"She'd be an idiot to ever open a door to me again."
"Well, as fun as it is to watch you drown in your pity pool, flogging yourself won't make this right. Fixing it will. Got any ideas?"
Gil shifted forward in his chair. The fact that the leather creaked with the movement had Matt's breath hitching. For now, for however long he had, Gil truly was back in his life.
But one person was glaringly missing.
"I guess I can start by apologizing."
"Sounds like a damn good place to start," Gil agreed.
***
In her dream, Lauren ordered a Mai Tai from a bare-chested waiter who bore an uncanny resemblance to Matt. His smile held the same mischief and his blue eyes twinkled brighter than the sea at his back. Umbrella-decorated drink in hand, he leaned over the bar toward her. His breath warmed her already heated skin. She licked her lips, acutely aware when his gaze followed her movement. Feeling unusually bold, she repeated the motion.
The waiter's eyes went hot. "I'm off in an hour. Let's--"
A loud shrill at Lauren's ears invaded her sexy mood. Another blast and she was no longer bikini-clad in Hawaii. She was back to her sparsely furnished bedroom. Groaning, Lauren tugged the covers up to her chin, rolled over and wished for the warmth of the sun and the smell of the sea to take her away again.
But the phone wouldn't shut up. Muttering inventive curses for whoever was on the other end of the line, Lauren pressed 'talk' and drew the cordless to her ear.
"Hello?"
"Don't tell me you're still sleeping? It's an hour earlier over here, kiddo, and I've been up for hours."
"Good for you, Ted," Lauren muttered, covering her eyes with her forearm.
"Don't you work today?"
Lauren peeked from behind her arm. Morning light was shimmering through her thin curtains and the red digital numbers of her alarm read eight-ten. Which normally would be a respectable hour to get up. But not when the last time she'd looked it had read five-fifteen. She hid back behind her arm.
"I've got the closing shift. I was supposed to sleep in this morning."
"Sorry, kiddo. Want me to let you go?"
"No, I'm awake now." To prove it, she pushed her pillow up against her headboard and leaned back into it.
"Good, 'cause I have a golf game in an hour, after which we're going for lunch downtown. And later, I'll be cutting grass."
"I forget how nice it is there. Funny you're not that far away and yet you cut your grass right up to Christmas."
"Yep."
She heard the lazy stretch in his voice. "It should be about eighteen degrees here today."
"Shut up, Ted. I can hear the wind howling outside my window. And I can guarantee you nobody's out golfing."
He chuckled and she heard a car cruise by. "Are you sitting outside?"
"Sure am," he gloated.
"So you called to rub in the fact that it's warm over there?"
"Well, partly," he chuckled. "I also wanted to check up on you. How are things?"
"Getting colder, but so far it's only snowed in the higher elevations."
A door closed and she figured he'd gone back inside. Lauren gave up her bed and trudged to the kitchen to get some hot chocolate going.
"Lauren, before I left, Matt told me about the accident. He told me, well, everything."
Lauren fumbled the mug she'd grabbed from the cupboard. It crashed to the counter, but she managed to catch it before it rolled to the floor.
"Oh," she said. Nothing else came to mind. Ted knew. God, what must he think of her? The kitchen tap's dripping filled the silence but no matter how much she tightened it, it continued to leak. Just like the past. No matter how much she tried to lock it away, it kept coming back.
"Lauren, I'm not calling to pass judgment. I just want to know how you're doing."
She pressed her fingers over her mouth, struggled to contain the relief. When he'd said he knew...
Taking the phone from her ear, she pressed the mouthpiece into her leg and sniffed loudly. With her free hand she wiped the moisture from her eyes then lifted the phone to her mouth.
"Things are strained, but I'm not surprised."
"Kiddo, I'm asking about you. Are you all right?"
"I've survived worse, Ted."
"That doesn't make it any easier, does it?"
She thought of the look Matt had given her last night, of the venom that had coated his words before he'd slammed out of her house. "No, it doesn't."
"You know Matt wouldn't be angry if he didn't care about you."
"Well, they say there's a fine line between love and hate." And considering how Matt had left last night, there was no doubt which side of the fence he stood on.
"Lauren, if you could have a friendship again with him, would you?"
Like a tape on rewind, her mind backtracked to college and the times Matt had come to her dorm room, sometimes with Gil, sometimes alone. It hadn't mattered. She'd enjoyed the company either way and sometimes, when the school work had been heavy and she'd felt overwhelmed and Gil was submerged in studying, it was Matt's goofiness, his love of life and playfulness that had saved her from herself.
He'd made her set her books aside when she got overwhelmed. They'd gone for walks, or bike rides. Because they were always so competitive, it usually ended in a race, but the outcome never really mattered. What had mattered was she'd come back on better footing, better able to cope. And always smiling. Heartsick, Lauren hung her head. How much did she want that again? More than life itself.
"In a heartbeat," she finally admitted.
"It doesn't have to happen overnight. Take it one step at a time. Matt's there 'cause this is what he wanted. And if all he wanted was to be a park ranger, he could have stayed in Waterton."
"Did he know I was here?" Lauren gasped.
Through the phone she heard Ted's low curse.
"Ted?"
"Yeah, he said he did."
How? She didn't know anyone in Jasper and Ted hadn't known Matt before he'd been transferred.
"Look, Lauren, it doesn't matter how he knew," Ted said, reading her thoughts. "The point is he knew and he came anyway. If he only wanted to curse at you and lay the blame, he didn't need to relocate to do that."
No, he could have driven up on a weekend and done what he'd done last night. Instead he'd moved. She pressed her hand to her aching heart. Was it possible? Could they really get their friendship back?
***
"You want me to wait for you, Lauren?" Carlos asked, throwing the day's dirty white apron into a green Rubbermaid bin Betty took home once a week to wash and bleach. "It's no problem, I just gotta call my Maria so she don't worry."
Lauren shook her head. "No, it's fine. Betty said I didn't have to do a deposit tonight; she has some banking to do tomorrow anyway. You can go."
He glanced at the big grease spattered industrial clock hanging over his grills. Ten o'clock.
"It's no problem, Lauren. And it's dark. It's the gentlemanly thing to do, to walk home a pretty lady."
Lauren smiled. Carlos was fifty five, bald as a cue ball and looked like the Pillsbury dough boy with a deep tan. Though she appreciated the sentiment, she doubted his presence would prevent any attack, although Jasper was one of the safest towns she knew. She never hesitated to walk alone, no matter the time of day or night.
"I'm good, Carlos. Go spend some time with Maria. Tell her I said hello."
His face creased into a smile and his chocolate eyes warmed. "If you're sure, then." He took his coat from the rack behind the office door. "Thank you, Lauren. My Maria, she thanks you, too."
She locked the back door behind him and leaned against it, sighing deeply. The silence was bliss. Well, until his old truck choked and sputtered to life. But at least there was nobody who needed to be waited on. No tables to clean.
Lauren double-checked the coffee makers were ready for the morning, swept the floor and tidied the bathrooms. She dug the keys out of her purse as she navigated the dim diner.
Outside, the wind had died down and the sky had cleared. After locking the door, she tilted her head back and looked up at the inky darkness dotted with stars, feeling as though she was a little kid again visiting a planetarium. No cars idled by. The street was dark and quiet. It felt peaceful.
"It's nice, isn't it?"
Lauren squealed. Her hand slammed to her chest, and her purse thunked on the sidewalk.
"Oh my God," she gasped. "You scared me!"
Matt moved from the darkness into the halo of a streetlight.
"Sorry. I didn't want to interrupt you at work, so I was waiting for you to come out."
He leaned down before she had the presence of mind to lift her purse off the cement. He held it out for her.
"Thanks."
"No problem."
Silence descended, not quite as cold as the outside temperature. Why was he here?
"So...I...uh. Well," he ploughed his fingers in his hair. "Can I offer you a ride home?" he gestured behind him to the sleek Corvette parked at the curb.
Wow. When she'd seen the car at Ted's, she'd never suspected it was Matt's. Although, looking from it, to him, it suited him. They were both dark, both attractive.
And where had that come from?
"I'm okay to walk, thanks."
"Oh. Well then, can I walk you home?"
She nearly dropped her purse again. "Why?"
He shrugged. "Kinda hoping to make up for my being such an ass yesterday."
A funny little thing happened to her heart and she gave a quick smile. "I'm not mad, Matt. You don't need to do this."
There was enough illumination from the lampposts for Lauren to see his frown.
"What I said was inexcusable, and you should be ready to bust my balls over it. Why aren't you?"
She shifted her handbag to her shoulder. "You have reason to be mad."
"Maybe, but I don't have a reason to come into your home and bully you. Let me see you home. You don't even have to talk, okay? I just really need to do this."
His gaze held hers, not in anger or resentment, but in sincerity and for the first time since she'd seen him in Jasper, she saw the old Matt again. Baby steps, Ted had said.
"Okay. But you're just going to have to walk right back to get your car."
The tension around his mouth eased. "I don't mind."
Walking with him in
the silence was almost like the times in college. A small, quiet town. Most people tucked into their homes, streets generally bare except for a few cars here and there idling by. It was cool but not cold, and for a moment she could fool herself that there wasn't still this huge gap separating them.
Matt's hands were tucked into his leather jacket. His collar was up, his breath fogged in the night. What was going on in his head? What else could he say to her that he hadn't already?
"You all right?" he asked, catching her staring at him.
"Yeah. Just thinking."
His lips twitched into a smile. "That was always a very dangerous thing for you, McKinnon."
A laugh bubbled out of her. "Only sometimes."
Because she had never dared to dream about recapturing moments such as these, she said nothing more as they walked to her house, settled onto her porch. Inhaling, she soaked up the familiar scent of Matt's Hugo Boss, along with the distinct smell of leather.
All too soon for Lauren, he broke the silence, reminding her that this wasn't the same as it had once been.
"I really am sorry, Lauren, for last night. It was an awful thing to say to you."
"Apology accepted."
"Just like that?" he asked incredulously.
She'd drawn her legs to her chest and toyed with the laces on her black Reeboks. She nodded. "Just like that."
"Why?"
"Why what?" she asked, looking into his troubled blue eyes.
"You should be tearing a strip off my ass for the things I said."
He stared at her and the intensity of it unnerved her.
He shifted closer, his jacket creaking. Now along with the scent of leather she smelled the mint on his breath. And for the first time in her life, she caught herself looking at Matt's mouth. Looking and wondering...
"You didn't deserve what I did."
His words snapped her momentary trance, but instead of meeting his gaze, she looked again to her shoes.
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