"I'd hate me if I were in your shoes. You went through hell and I wasn't there. I'll be honest with you, I'm not sure I'd do it any differently if I could, but I'm sorry it hurt you."
"Look at me, Lauren," he requested softly and she did.
"I was wrong. When I didn't get the answers I wanted, I got a little crazy. I deliberately thought of the most hurtful things I could do or say and then I executed them in such a cold-hearted way I still can't believe I was capable of that. I'm not proud of myself, Lauren. And I wish I could take it back."
With a flick of her fingers, she shoved at her bangs. "I wish I could take it back, too. All of it. But I can't."
Matt moved, his thigh slid against hers. His hand closed over hers, gave her a little zing. The encouraging squeeze he gave offered support.
"When did you find out about Gil?"
It was like a knife to her chest. She pressed her free hand to her heart, almost surprised when she only felt the cold nylon of her jacket and not the warmth of blood.
"I can't talk about that. Please don't ask me to." She clenched her teeth and cursed herself silently to pull it together. "I can't talk about...him. Anything else, I'll give it my best."
"I won't push, Lauren. Just tell me what you can. There's so much I don't know."
"I wasn't speeding. I wasn't drunk. It's like I told you. The car hit ice, I panicked and over-compensated. It skidded and spun off the road.
"In Emerg, they stitched up my head and wrapped my sprained wrist. Then the RCMP came in. I gave them a Breathalyzer, gave them my statement. It was deemed an accident. I was fined." Her gaze begged him to understand. "I felt bad. I knew it was a pittance considering what had happened, but I was so relieved not to be going to jail."
Matt's eyes moved over her face. "Once I was awake enough to learn everything, I wished you were in jail. But I'm really glad you never had to go. I mean that, Lauren."
His words, words she'd never thought she'd hear, filled her heart, stole her voice. Blinking back tears, she squeezed his hand, telling him silently what she couldn't verbalize.
"When I was free to go," Lauren said after a long silence in which she struggled to contain her emotions, "the nurses let me into your room. You were still on the backboard, your neck was in a brace. They kept talking of spinal injuries and they were poking at your feet. Every time they poked, there was no response from you. It was never said outright, but it looked like you were paralyzed.
"I couldn't bear it Matt. You loved life, and all I could think about was that I'd stolen it from you. Because of me you'd never hike, mountain bike, swim or play golf." She bit her cheek, willed them back, but the tears came fast and hot. "There was nothing I could do or say and I knew your parents were on their way. Matt, I was breaking inside, facing you, your parents, everyone, I couldn't take it. I needed to get out. I know it was pure selfishness, but it was also survival." Through her blurry vision, she found his face, and bless him, he was still listening.
"The one thing going through my head was that if I thought it was cruel and unfair for me to walk away unscathed, what would the rest of you think? Nothing I can ever do or say will make up for leaving you, I know that. But that's what was going through my mind. I didn't know how to deal with what had happened. But believe me," she begged, "I am so glad you can walk again. I'll thank God for it the rest of my life. It's a miracle I never dared hope for."
His hand cupped her cheek and the warmth of it curled around her heart.
"Knowing you came to see me, even once, means a lot to me, Lauren. It killed me knowing you didn't care enough to say goodbye."
"I cared," she said as the tears continued to fall. As Matt's eyes glistened with moisture. "I still do."
***
From his perch on the roof next door, Gil watched and listened. Hell, he got a little weepy himself. He'd tried to get in there, was still pissed off he wasn't able to, no matter how he'd tried. Once, just once more, he'd have loved for it to be the three of them again. Instead the best he could do was look and eavesdrop.
Matt and Lauren were making progress. They were talking. It was a great start.
But they had a long way to go.
Before it was over there would be more tears, more heartbreak. And a true test to a friendship that was still on shaky ground.
SEVEN
The Mountainview was jammed. A tour bus of seniors travelling from Edmonton filled every table but one. The coffee gang held their usual spot by the window in their tight little fingers. Since it was eleven thirty, and they were having fun talking to the other seniors who'd arrived, they'd decided to stay for lunch.
Donna grabbed Lauren's free hand as she swept by with a pad full of orders. "I have a catalogue for you."
"Catalogue?" Before Lauren's brain could fill in the missing pieces, Donna handed her a glossy booklet. Confused, Lauren made the mistake of looking at the shiny cover.
A woman stood wrapped around a dance pole, bathed in a spotlight on an otherwise dark stage. Naked, her arms and legs barely keeping her modest, her head was tossed back, ecstasy was written all over her slumberous expression.
Lauren gasped, whipped the magazine face down against her thigh. "Donna!"
The coffee gang hooted and hollered. The others sitting nearby looked over in interest.
"What? I told you I'd bring you a catalogue." She looked innocent with her pixie cut grey hair, but the eyes gave her away.
"You didn't have to bring it in here!" Lauren hissed. Then, mortified, she raced to the office and jammed the catalogue into her purse. She had to fold it in half in order to get the zipper on her bag closed but no way she wanted anyone to see her with such a thing in her possession!
"Is it geriatrics' field trip day or something?" Juliet asked, dumping the soggy coffee filter into the trash. "Where did all these people come from?"
By the time the customers had their food, Lauren's feet were aching. The good news was, with everybody's mouth full, the noise level in the café had diminished to a respectable level. Juliet had taken advantage of the few minutes of calm and plunked herself in Betty's office. Lauren glanced at her watch and counted down the minutes until she, too, could fold into a chair and rest her weary feet.
She was making yet another pot of fresh coffee when the bells over the door tinkled like evil elves gone mad. Great. Just what she wanted, another customer. Maybe she could add another fifty cents or dollar to the five she'd earned so far. She harbored no prejudices against old people. They could drive at twenty kilometers an hour, forget to signal, take up two lanes at the same time if they wanted. She just wished they tipped better.
"Hey, you."
She turned. Nick was at the counter, an apologetic smile on his face. They hadn't seen each other since their dinner out the other night and clearly Nick didn't know how he'd be received.
"I didn't realize it was this busy," he said. "Would it be easier if I went somewhere else for lunch? I don't want to create even more work for you."
"Don't be ridiculous, there's room here at the counter. It's not as comfortable as a table, but it'll have to do. What can I get you?" She quickly amended her question when his gaze latched onto hers. "That's on the menu."
"Since you're limiting my options, I'll have the special with chocolate milk. You don't happen to have any cinnamon buns?"
"As a matter of fact, there's one left."
By the time Nick's lunch was ready the seniors from the bus tour were starting to file out leaving many dirty, empty tables behind. Since Juliet's break was finished, Lauren ordered a clubhouse with side garden salad, poured herself a Pepsi and took the stool to the left of Nick.
"I don't think my feet will ever forgive me," she muttered, wishing she could take her shoes off and rub at the sore arches.
"I'd rub them for you. All you have to do is ask."
Though the massage offer was tempting, it would only encourage Nick. "Thanks, but--"
"Yeah. I know."
"Is Kyle exc
ited about coming over?" Lauren asked, hoping talking of his brother would shift Nick's focus from her.
"I'm not sure, he didn't say much. It'll be good for him, though, to get away from the drama for a bit."
"We'll make it a good weekend for him," she said. She'd met Kyle before and they'd hit it off. She'd come to think of him as her little brother and it broke her heart that the boy had to deal with his mom having cancer.
"I appreciate your helping, Lauren. It means a lot to me, you spending time with him, especially on your day off."
"It's not a problem, Nick."
"Well, thanks all the same. It's one less thing for me to worry about."
Juliet whisked Nick's plate away and exchanged it for the last cinnamon bun which steamed from its blast in the microwave.
"Thanks," Nick said, sending Juliet an absent-minded smile.
"Yeah, thanks. I was going to get it for him, but once I sat," Lauren sighed. "I didn't want to get up."
"Hey, you gave me the first break. Take an extra five. I've got things covered."
"Sweet kid," Nick commented when Juliet had shuffled back to start clearing the dirty tables.
"Yeah, she is." And she was damn tough. Just watching Juliet maneuver between chairs in her platform boots while she carried her laden tray of half-eaten food made Lauren's arches shudder.
A grumbling from her stomach reminded her of another part of her body needing attention. As she thought it, Juliet came back, delivering Lauren's sandwich. Forgoing polite conversation to avoid starvation, Lauren dug in. She didn't hear anything but the crisp lettuce leaves crunching in her mouth, didn't sense anything but Nick's silent laughter as she devoured her lunch.
"I'll get you a refill," he chuckled when she slurped the last of her drink through her straw.
Barely pausing in her assault on her sandwich, Lauren acknowledged him with a nod.
"What's this? Sitting down on the job?"
Lauren's stomach jumped, her head snapped up. Dressed in uniform, beige hat clasped in his hands, lazy smile fluttering on his lips Matt looked...
The word yummy came to mind and it was so unexpected Lauren choked on the last of the toast she was trying to swallow. Suddenly Nick was at her side, pressing her drink into her hands. Nick. Nick was her friend too. No, they didn't share the same history she shared with Matt, but her body had never, ever, reacted to his the way it did to Matt's.
"Mind if I join you?" Matt asked.
There was a very slight, but very intense moment when the men's gazes held. It was high noon at the OK Corral and they'd both just put their palms on the butts of their six shooters.
"Um, sure," Lauren managed as her nerves began to dance. Matt, she knew, suspected Nick was her boyfriend. Nick, after her numerous rejections, suspected there was someone else. Good grief, what if he suspected it was Matt?
"I guess even the boss gets time to eat, eh?" Nick chuckled, but the humor never made it to his sharp gaze.
"Something like that."
As though throwing down the gauntlet, Matt reached for her drink and, forgoing the straw, raised the cup to his lips and chugged down half. To Lauren it was nothing because he had done it to her all the time in college, but Nick took exception. She suddenly saw a lot more of his sparkling teeth and it wasn't necessarily because he was smiling. Matt, however, was.
"So are all the campsites clear?"
"Empty. Sheds are locked, garbage hauled away. Elk are rutting and stupid, but no major problems. It'll all be in my report tomorrow."
Again their eyes clashed and if she hadn't known for sure before, she did now. These two men didn't like each other. Matt hesitated, nodded, then turned his attention to her.
"Busy day, huh?"
Busy and suddenly very uncomfortable.
Juliet came to take Matt's order. "And a cinnamon bun, too, please."
"Sorry," Juliet answered, smacking her blue gum, "all out."
Matt's eyes turned to Nick's desert plate, where a half a bun remained. Nick smiled, licked some icing off his fork. "Lauren saved me the last one."
She hadn't. It had just worked out that way. Yet the look Matt sent Nick was cold enough to freeze her pop. It was only a cinnamon bun, for Pete's sake!
To hell with her aching feet, she couldn't stand the tension enveloping them anymore.
"Well, break's over. It's not fair to Juliet to have the whole clean-up." She ducked between the men, grabbed an empty tray and gladly went to the other side of the café to start clearing tables.
***
Nick was doing it on purpose, Matt was sure of it. He'd never seen anyone eat anything so slowly in his life. It was freaking painful to watch. Cinnamon wafted from the plate and danced saucily beneath Matt's nose, driving him nuts. He'd been craving one all morning. But he'd been called out early for an elk that had mistaken a car with a bunch of picture-taking tourists for a female. Everyone was alright, but the little Sunfire had antler scratches across its right side. The lady in the passenger seat, however, was thrilled she'd caught it all on her camcorder.
Tourists.
But the point was, his day had been crazy and he'd been unable to get here before now. And when he did, not only did he find Lauren with her boyfriend, but she'd also saved Nick the last of what Matt had been craving since six o'clock this morning. And the bastard was rubbing it in.
"Damn, these are good. I mean, they should be illegal."
Nick's green eyes were laughing at him and every cell in Matt's body thrummed with the idea of ramming the last of the icing up pretty boy's nose.
"Well," Nick announced after it had taken him another two minutes to clean the cinnamon off his index finger. "Guess I should be going. Wouldn't want the boss to catch me taking too long for my break."
Oh, he was having fun now, his slick smile was a mile wide. "Sorry about your dessert. But maybe there's still some rice pudding left." He threw down a twenty. "See ya later, Matt."
Maybe it was male jockeying, maybe it was his innate need for competition. Either way, it didn't matter. Matt wasn't letting the smooth-talking jerk walk away one up.
"I've taken Lauren's hazing stick. I know Ted and a lot of other rangers allowed her to play the part, but I won't." He paused and dropped his voice even lower, though the warning, he knew was crystal clear. "If I ever find out one of my guys allowed her to haze, or do anything else illegal while she's just a civilian, I will take any and all measures necessary to nail their ass to the wall."
His gaze bore into Nick's for a few seconds. Satisfied he'd regained some ground, Matt smiled. "I'll expect to see your reports on my desk in the morning."
Since his food arrived then, via a very intrigued looking Juliet, Matt concentrated on salting his eggs. He didn't need to see Nick's face to know the man was pissed off. He felt the heat of Nick's resentment burning the back of his neck. Grinning, Matt slipped a fork full of fluffy omelet into his mouth. His day had suddenly taken a turn for the better.
***
The phone on Matt's desk shrieked at the exact moment one of his female staff members stepped into his doorway and knocked on the frame. He angled his head toward a chair, motioning for her to sit while he continued to plug in numbers. He was working on a spreadsheet and the damn thing had already frozen twice. After rebooting both times, he was nearly finished and he wasn't going to detour for anything. With a smack of the save key he was done.
"Yes!" He pumped his arm like he'd scored the winning goal in the Stanley Cup finals. "I'll be right with you, Danika, just let me get this."
"Mr. Neiderman," Matt acknowledged with an inward groan and a shake of his head after the caller identified himself. He'd been warned to expect a call at least twice a week from Mr. Neiderman with a complaint of some sort. Deer ate his strawberries. Elk trampled his roses. The smoke from the forest fires in BC was making it hard for him to breathe and were the rangers sure the flames weren't headed this way?
"What can I do for you?"
He listened ha
lf-heartedly and offered token sympathy for the loss of his newly planted pine tree which had been chewed down to a twig. Yes, it was a shame. Yes, he'd make a point of driving by on his rounds tomorrow. No, it wasn't a problem.
"Sorry about that," Matt said once he'd hung up. "What's up?"
Danika was fresh to the department this year, the ink on her diploma barely dry, but Ted had spoken highly of her, as did the rest of his staff. From what he'd seen so far, she was an asset to the team and he'd hire her back next spring in a heartbeat.
"I was passing by the main switchboard when a call came in for you. They asked me to relay the message to you ASAP."
"Sounds serious. What's up?"
"Denis and Cal were doing rounds in the back country. Spotted some grey jays making a ruckus. They checked it out and found a bear carcass they want you to come see. Guts were spread out and they couldn't be sure of the cause of death. They've secured the scene and are waiting for you. Here are their coordinates." She handed over a note from a yellow legal pad.
Uneasiness crept up Matt's spine. Ted had said something about a bear found dead. Matt hadn't looked into the file Ted had left, but as soon as he got back, he'd make sure to look it over. In the meantime, all he could think was, damn.
Denis was on his fourth year as a seasonal ranger and next up for promotion to full time. For him to call, to hold everything intact until Matt could get there, it must be serious. It sure as hell didn't sound good. It was always possible it was nothing, a bear who'd met an untimely death in a way that might not be obvious at first glance. Always better to err on the side of caution.
Especially since it sounded very similar to what Ted had spoken of. Something wasn't right. With adrenaline starting to pump through his veins, he grabbed his metal detector, field investigation kit and Kevlar vest, as was procedure. He wrenched open a drawer, seized the camera, made sure it had working batteries.
"Let's go."
The location of the bear wasn't too far into the back country so Matt and Danika headed to the Range, the ranch east of Jasper where all the ranger's horses were boarded. They saddled up and Matt swung up on the gelding's back. He drew on his leather gloves and with slight pressure from his hiking boots, he urged the animal into a canter.
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