“Kellan…I…”
He put up his hand, telling me that he needed to finish. “I waited for an answer, thinking that Lorena would say something nice to defend me, but she laughed and said, ‘Until I’m tired of him, of course. But he is handy in the bedroom.’ I ran up to my room and tried to get her words out of my head, but I couldn’t…I still can’t. I knew it was just sex, she made that perfectly clear. But, until that moment, I thought she cared about me…a little.”
I reached out and grabbed his hand. There were tears in my eyes but I didn’t know what to say to comfort him, so I just squeezed his hand and let him go on.
“She came to my room later that night, but I pretended to be ill. She was nice about it, but I was certain she knew I was lying. She didn’t question it, and she still paid me like normal a few days later. I finally got over it, and realized she was right. She told me from the start it was just sex. It wasn’t like I was in love with her. I guess I was just hoping for some kind of connection, besides a physical one. I was stupid…”
“No, you weren’t. Everyone’s always let you down…you don’t deserve that.”
“You never let me down…and I don’t deserve you.”
“Don’t say that. I love you.”
“I love you, too. I hope you’ll still feel that way…when I’m done.”
“I will. I promise,” I smiled through my tears.
He took a deep breath and said, “So, the next day, someone knocked on the door. The staff was gone, so I answered it. It was a woman and she looked familiar. She was one of the ladies from the book club. She introduced herself again and asked if Lorena was home. When I told her she was out and wasn’t due back until late that night, I thought she’d leave, but I was wrong. She made excuses to stay and said she was thirsty. I made us some coffee and we chatted about nothing at first. She was a really nice lady. She was smart and well read, and there was such sadness in her eyes that I felt bad for her. She told me that her husband died a few years back and then she asked about my childhood. She seemed genuinely interested in what I had to say. I liked her immediately. She asked me if I needed any pro bono work for school credit and said she had just the job for me.”
“I’ll bet,” I said.
“Yeah, that subject came up as well. Abby, I don’t know why I said yes…there was just something about her. She seemed as lost as I was.”
“Is she the one that owns this apartment?” I asked.
“Yes. Her name’s Margot Winters. She has more money than all of those ladies in the book club combined. She renovated a historic building in the center of town where she lives. She’s very well thought of. She really did need some pro bono work, but on her way out the door, she told me that I reminded her of her late husband…when he was young, and she asked me to spend one night with her. I immediately told her no, saying it wouldn’t be right. She was very kind and said she understood. She handed me her card and said to call her assistant about the pro bono work and she walked out.”
“I though you said you told her yes?”
“I’m coming to that.”
He stood up and grabbed a beer out of the fridge. “Do you want another Coke?”
“No, thanks.”
He sat back down and continued, “After she left, I made myself a sandwich and I must have left the card on the counter because Lorena found it and brought it upstairs and threw it on my bed. She was angry…at me, or Margot…I wasn’t sure which, but she threatened me to stay away from her friends…especially Margot. I was shocked and irritated. I was obviously only a play thing for her, so I didn’t understand why she cared what I did. I told her that I was only doing some pro bono work for one of her charities, nothing more. That seemed to appease her, but the next thing I knew, she was cuddling up next to me in bed telling me how much she missed me. I should have left then…I should have walked out the door that night and never looked back, but I didn’t…I stayed.”
“And?”
“And I called Margot the next morning. We met that night…and well…it just kind of got easier after that. Soon, another one of Lorena’s friends dropped by…leaving me her card, and then the circle of friends expanded, until I was…”
“Doing a lot of pro bono work?” I asked, my eyes filling with tears.
“No, they paid me…well.” He looked away from me and said, “Abby, I made a lot of money. Some weeks I made close to five thousand dollars, and other’s more like ten. These women have so much money and they hand it out like candy…”
I gasped, “Ten thousand dollars…a week? How many…never mind, I really don’t want to know.”
He took another deep breath, “I told you before…A lot. And, before I knew it, I had a client list a mile long. I bought another cell phone just as a business line. I was terrified you’d find out, and I didn’t want you in any way associated with my…clients or business. It was getting out of hand, and I was exhausted, my grades were suffering, but I couldn’t stop. I know it sounds stupid, but I just didn’t want to let them down…and I guess, in some ways, I was angry with Lorena and I was trying to get back at her.”
“I wondered how you suddenly had so much money. I guess I was afraid to ask.”
“Abby, look at me.” He reached out and gently grabbed my chin. "I swear I haven’t touched any of them again…not since I made you that promise. I swear it! I moved out of Lorena’s house that night. And, I haven’t been back even once.”
“Where did you go?” I asked.
He sighed and said, “I went to Margot’s…and before you say anything, it’s not what you think. We’re just friends, now. I swear I haven’t touched her, either. She’s one of the reason’s I came back here, to you. I wasn’t going to. I know I made you that promise, but I was determined not to keep it. I only said it at first so that you’d call Tyler off. I just wanted you to wait. I wasn’t coming back, Abby. Margot talked me into it.”
“Why?”
“Because she knew…”
“She knew what?”
“She knew…I was in love with you, even before I did. She told me I’d be a fool to give you up. She said you don’t find true love often and that I’d be making the biggest mistake of my life if I didn’t come back. She was right.”
I wanted to reach out and hold him tight, but we had to get it all out first, “Are you still living with her?” I asked, curious.
“No. I stayed for a week, just until I found my own place. I told you I have a lot of money now, Abby.” He stood up and walked over to the desk in the corner of the room. He walked back and handed me a savings account booklet.
I looked up at him and he told me to open it.
I drew in a deep breath when I saw his balance and started shaking once again.
He handed me the other book. I didn’t want to open it, but he insisted, stating he had to get it all out in the open. I opened the book and saw that it was in my name and there was twice as much money in the account he opened for me as there was in his own. I looked up at him, but I was speechless.
“It’s college money…plus…whatever you want.”
“I don’t know what to say.”
“Say that you still love me…that you might be able to forgive me…someday. Say you don’t hate me, please?”
I could see the pain in his eyes and I knew he was still torturing himself. He was exhausted, I could see it, feel it. “Is that it? Is that everything?” I asked.
He nodded, but looked down.
I grabbed his hand and led him to his bedroom.
“Abby, I don’t think I can…”
“Shh, we’re just going to sleep.”
“I should take you home…”
I walked up to him and wrapped my arms around his neck. He followed suit by wrapping his arms around my waist and resting his head on my shoulder. He was breathing hard, and I knew he was still torturing himself. I put my hands on his face and pulled it up to look at me and whispered, “I am home as long I’m with you. I love you…the
re’s nothing to forgive. And Kellan, I could never hate you. You never have to doubt my feelings for you, because I will love you forever. I always have, and I always will.” I hugged him close for a few minutes, and when I felt him relax a bit, I asked him if he had any pajamas.
“I have pajama bottoms. I um, I don’t usually sleep in…” he sighed, “anything.”
“Put them on and can I have one of your t-shirts, please?”
“Abby, I really should…”
“It’s my birthday, so humor me, okay? I swear I just want to be with you. I’m not asking for anything more.”
He nodded and walked over to the dresser and pulled out his flannel pajama bottoms and then grabbed a shirt from another drawer. He told me there was a new toothbrush and other toiletries in the main bathroom. I got ready for bed and when I walked back into his bedroom, I noticed he was sitting on the edge of the bed, still wearing his clothes.
“Is that how you normally sleep?” I asked, trying to lighten his very somber mood.
“No.” He looked up at me and said, “I told you how I normally sleep, and with whom. Are you sure you can forgive me?”
I walked over to him, lifted his face and kissed him. “I told you, there’s nothing to forgive. Please stop worrying.”
“I’m so afraid I’m going to lose you. That you’re going to wake up in the morning and realize you made a terrible mistake.”
“Kellan, get ready for bed, please. I need you to hold me, and you need me to hold you, too.”
He stood up and grabbed his pajama bottoms and headed into the bathroom. He didn’t say another word, but he was in there a while, I’m sure debating on whether or not to take me home.
“Kellan, are you okay?” I asked from outside the bathroom door.
He opened the door and I noticed he was still pale white. He looked down at me and touched my face as he walked by. He walked over to the bed and pulled back the blankets.
“Are you sure that you don’t want to go home?” he asked.
I climbed in to bed and reached my hand up to him. He took my hand and sat down next to me. “Abby…”
“Kellan, just come to bed, please.”
He sighed but climbed in like I asked. He was quiet as he slowly laid his head down on the pillow. I leaned in next to him and kissed his cheek.
“Abby…”
“Shh, it’s my turn to talk.” I sat up and leaned over him. “I know you think you’ve committed some unforgivable sin, and that I won’t be able to get over it. But, I love you and there’s nothing you’ve done that I need to forgive you for. The only one who needs to forgive you…is you.”
“It’s not that easy. You don’t know how many…”
“And, I don’t want to know. Whatever you did in your past…is just that, the past. You’ve never had it easy, Kellan. You’ve always had to struggle and work for everything. But, I also know that girls…and women have always found you irresistible. I’m one of them. I don’t blame you…or them. But you don’t owe me an apology for anything you did before we were together.”
“It was wrong…I know that. I swear I haven’t touched anyone since the last time I was here.”
“I know, you told me.”
“I need you to believe it.”
“I do believe it.”
He got up and started to pace again. “Do you understand why I can’t sleep with you right now?”
“No, not really. Actually, not at all.”
He was still pacing. “I don’t deserve to be with you.”
“Would you stop saying that? It’s not true.”
“Yes, it is. I can’t bring myself to touch you…no matter how much I want to. You deserve someone like Tyler.”
“What makes Tyler so much better for me, than you?”
“He’s your age, he loves you, and I’m sure he hasn’t slept with half the women in L.A.”
“Well, actually, he’s almost two years older than me, he does love me, although not as much now, I’m sure. But, I don’t love him, not like that. And, he’s also been with his share of women.”
“How do you know that?”
“He told me.”
“He told you he wasn’t a virgin?”
“Yes.”
“Hmm…”
“Why is that so hard to believe?” I asked.
“I just assumed he would have waited…for you.”
“He didn’t. He told me that he got tired of waiting for me. He was tired of me pining away for you. He grew up too, Kellan.”
“Yeah, I know. I just assumed you hadn’t noticed.”
“I noticed. So did most of the girls at school.”
“Then…why would you wait for me?”
I stood up, walked over to him and put my arms on his shoulders. “Haven’t you figured it out, yet? It’s always been you. I’ve always loved you. Tyler’s more like a brother to me…more than you’ve ever been. I never accepted you as a brother. At first, I hated you, because you weren’t the brother I was supposed to get. And then, I just hated you because we were so rotten to each other. But that day you called the truce, and I know you only did it for me, something changed. But, I still didn’t think of you as my brother. We were enemies, and then we were friends, and then we were inseparable…until you started dating and broke my heart.”
“I’m sorry. I never knew how you felt. You may have never thought of me as a brother, Abby. But, I grew to love you like a sister. Sometimes I look at you and I still see that terrified girl who was waiting to be sent away.”
“I’m not terrified of that anymore. I don’t even care. The only thing I care about, the only thing I’ve ever cared about…is you.”
“And now? How do you feel now that you know…everything?”
“The same way I felt yesterday, the same way I felt this morning, and last night, last month…last year. The same way I’ll feel forever! I love you.”
He kissed me then and carried me back to bed. I snuggled up to him, laying my head on his chest. He pulled my face up to him and kissed me again. “I’m sorry about the hotel. I thought it would be the right place and time.”
“I know you want it to be perfect for me, but I don’t need an expensive hotel, or flowers, or candles; I only need you.”
“We’re alone now…” he offered, but I knew he wasn’t ready, and he was only doing it for me.
“I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I don’t think now’s the right time. Just hold me tonight, okay?”
He sighed, obviously relieved and pulled me close. “I love you, Abby. I’m sorry it took me so long to figure it out…and to tell you the truth.”
“I love you, too. Can I ask you something, without you feeling guiltier?”
“I don’t think I can possibly feel any guiltier, so go ahead.”
“When you left Lorena’s house, why did you go to, um, that other lady’s house?”
“I needed to talk to someone. I needed a friend. I swear I didn’t…”
“I know. I believe you. Stop feeling guilty. It was just a question. I’m glad she’s your friend. She sounds wonderful.”
“She is. She’s the most remarkable woman. She spends all her free time working with her charities. She helps everyone she can. She started a girls’ home for pregnant teens. It’s a place they can go to learn about their options and choices. She has an adoption agency…which she doesn’t take a penny from. All fees that are paid by the adopting family go directly to maintaining the girl’s home. The girls are given a place to stay…that’s safe. They’re allowed to make whatever choice they want, and Margot helps them with whatever decision they make. She doesn’t pressure them into giving up their babies, either. It’s not like that. She gets them the tools they need to keep their babies if that’s what they want, or she provides wonderful adoptive families for those girl’s that decide to give up their babies. It’s a wonderful home, but the state didn’t look at it as a charity. That’s why she needed my help. She was getting hit hard by the state
for income tax, so I worked up the legal documents declaring that her income was not only tax deductible, but non-profit. I think we’ve pretty much got it worked out now.”
“So, you helped her with that?”
“Yeah. I know a lot of lawyers say they’re going to do a lot of pro-bono work, but once they’re done with school, they forget all about it. But I really liked helping her.”
“I’m sure she appreciated your help.”
“I guess so. I guess it kind of made me feel like I was doing something good, to make up for all the bad.”
“What was so bad? I mean, I don’t really want any details, but what did you do that was so bad?”
“I told you…I slept with women for money.”
“Yes, but that was never your intention. I told you, you’re very hard to resist,” I grinned.
“Whether it was my intent or not, I took money…for sex.”
“They kept coming back. It sounds to me like they were very satisfied with your…services.”
He rolled his eyes and said, “They’re all lonely women. All I did was make them feel good for a short time. It’s hardly a long-term fix.”
“Hmm, you’re right, because I have you for the long term!” I smiled and kissed him.
“Thank you, Abby.”
“For what?”
“For forgiving me and for not running out the door screaming when you found out.”
“You’re too hard on yourself. I told you, there’s nothing to forgive. You have a clean slate, okay?”
“Sounds good. I swear I won’t screw it up.” He took a deep breath and pulled me close. I could feel his entire body relax and I knew he was exhausted from not only keeping his secret for so long, but for having to explain it all tonight. I wasn’t surprised to look down at him a few minutes later and see that he was sleeping.
LESSON’S LEARNED
“Good morning,” Kellan said while standing over me with a tray.
SEPARATED: CONCLUSION TO UN-RELATED Page 2