Girls on Tour

by Nicola Doherty

  ‘Don’t worry,’ says Rachel, laughing. ‘I didn’t think you did. Are we being completely sickening? I’m sure we are.’

  ‘No, of course you’re not! All I mean is,’ I say, going red and changing the subject, ‘relationships are never perfect, are they? They need work.’

  ‘They do. But I think you’re meant to enjoy it,’ Rachel says. ‘It’s not meant to be like working in a coal mine.’

  This makes me laugh for the first time today, and makes me feel better. Being with Leo can be challenging, but it’s certainly not like working in a mine.

  ‘Maybe you should tell him how you’re feeling,’ Rachel says. ‘It sounds as if you’re frustrated because you want to spend more time together, but he might not even know that.’

  I sigh. I know this is the sensible thing, but I dread this kind of talk. ‘Yeah. I will talk to him … Though I don’t know if he’ll listen, after what I’ve done.’

  ‘Of course he will. You’ve been together long enough that he has to.’

  ‘Maybe you’re right.’ I dip the end of my doughnut into my bowl and scoop up the last of my hot chocolate. ‘How long have you and Oliver been together?’ I ask curiously.

  Rachel looks partly embarrassed and partly proud as she says, ‘About two weeks. I know, it’s mad. I’ve known him longer than that, but we got together just before Christmas, and then he invited me on this trip, and I thought … New Year in the Alps, why not? It beats paying thirty quid to get into some nightmare club in London and then being vomited on all the way home on the Tube.’

  ‘That’s true,’ I say. Rachel’s description sounds like an awful New Year’s Eve I had a few years ago, when Lily and I went to the club from hell because we’d heard there were lots of single men there. There were, but they were all horrible and seemed to think that trying to grab your bum was a valid form of communication. I’d be ashamed to admit it to Rachel, but quite apart from my feelings for Leo, I’m not relishing being thrown out of the safe nest of our relationship into the single jungle again.

  But I don’t think that will happen. I’m not sure why, but I feel more hopeful about things now. I mean … Leo wouldn’t be so upset that I kissed Sylvain if he didn’t care about me. The kiss was a huge mistake, but maybe it will lead to something changing for the better between us.

  After we’ve paid our bill – I insist on treating her – Rachel and I get changed back at the chalet and head out for a quick session on one of the easier slopes. When I see a group of kids coming down towards us, I look at their instructor to see if it’s Sylvain. That would be very awkward. But thankfully, it’s not. I’m sure he’s forgotten about me by now; he’s hardly short of romantic prospects. With any luck, I won’t bump into him again.

  ‘Oliver says the others are stopping for lunch now,’ Rachel says, looking at her phone. ‘Do you want to come and join them?’

  I’m about to say no, that I’ll wait for them back at the chalet – but then I change my mind.

  ‘No. I’m going to call Leo and ask him to come and have lunch with me in the village,’ I tell her. I exchange numbers with her in case Leo refuses to meet me and I need someone else to let me into the chalet.

  But Leo agrees to come and have lunch with me, alone. I’m encouraged: he obviously wants to talk. I choose one of the more casual restaurants – wooden chairs with heart-shaped cut-outs, red and white checked tablecloths, no Michelin stars – and wait for him at a table by the window, feeling as nervous as if this was a first date. I order a Perrier; no more boozing for me.

  Not that I can blame the booze, of course. I never, ever thought I would be the kind of person to cheat on my boyfriend. The idea of trying to explain it to him suddenly feels really lame, as if I’m trying to justify myself. There’s no excuse for what I did.

  Looking out of the window, I can see Leo coming down the street – with Jenny. They’re both in ski gear, walking slowly, chatting away. Suddenly she stuffs something – some snow I think – down his neck and shrieks with laughter. He chases after her for a few minutes, and puts some snow down her neck, before they go their separate ways. I don’t like seeing this horseplay between them – it reminds me of the way she acts around David. But I’m not exactly in a position to complain.

  Leo comes through the door of the restaurant, and manages to make his way to my table and sit down, all without meeting my eye.

  ‘Leo …’

  ‘Let me order some food first, will you?’ he says, his eyes fixed on the menu. ‘I’m starving.’

  He orders tartiflette, which is basically cheesy potatoes with bacon. I’m not sure I’ll be able to eat anything, but I order the same thing without the bacon, for the sake of having something. I still haven’t tried fondue, but I think you have to share it, and this isn’t the moment.

  ‘I’m probably going to have to pay excess baggage if they weigh me at the airport,’ I say. Leo doesn’t even smile, and I kick myself for making a joke, however lame.

  We sit in silence until our food arrives, and I make myself wait until Leo’s eaten half of his before I start talking.

  ‘Leo, I am so sorry about last night. There’s no excuse, but I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I never—’

  ‘Why did you do it?’

  Oh. I wasn’t going to try to justify myself, but it looks as if I’m going to have to. ‘Well – it was because I was upset and lonely and annoyed at you.’

  ‘At me? What did I do?’ Leo sounds annoyed himself.

  ‘I wanted to show you the full moon, but you snapped at me.’

  ‘The full moon?’ He laughs bitterly. ‘Jesus, Maggie. And I didn’t snap at you.’

  ‘You did. You looked at me as if I was this horrible person you didn’t even want to be around.’ It sounds so pathetic and trivial now.

  ‘I told you: I honestly don’t remember doing that.’

  ‘But it’s not just that.’ I really want him to understand. ‘It’s … Ever since we’ve come on this holiday, I’ve felt as if you’d rather spend time with the group than with me.’

  ‘But it’s a group holiday.’

  If this is our break-up conversation, I may as well be honest with him. And it all comes pouring out.

  ‘I know it’s a group holiday, but I’m your girlfriend, and sometimes I feel as if I have to fight for scraps of your time. You’re so booked up with all your friends and activities – every weekend there’s something happening. And I love that you’re so busy and active, I do, but sometimes it feels as if there isn’t room for me in your life,’ I finish, feeling almost breathless. Leo is staring at me as if this is all completely new information. How could he not have picked up on it? I suppose he just didn’t.

  ‘I didn’t know you felt that way,’ he says eventually.

  I nod, and look down at my tartiflette, which I’ve barely touched. To my surprise, Leo says, ‘What do you want me to do about it?’

  He sounds resentful, but he did ask. So I recklessly start giving him suggestions.

  ‘Well, maybe we could have a standing date night every week, the way you do with your poker gang …’

  But he shakes his head. ‘That would be too difficult.’

  I decide to go all out. ‘Or we could move in together. Then we’d see each other more.’

  ‘Maggie – sorry. Yesterday I found you kissing another guy, and now you want us to move in together?’

  I hang my head, feeling tears pricking at my eyes. He’s right. But then he surprises me by saying, ‘I could try and be less busy.’

  ‘Really? You could?’

  ‘Yeah. I mean, I can’t do a weekly date night – I think that’s unrealistic. But I could try and cut down on the cycling. And the football.’

  ‘That would be great.’

  ‘I can’t promise anything, but I’ll try.’

  ‘Thank you.’ I look down again and start ripping my paper napkin to shreds. In a low voice I continue, ‘And can you forgive me?’

  After an agoni
singly long pause, during which he sips his beer, he nods. ‘I suppose I can.’ He squeezes my hand. ‘New year, new start, right?’

  I nod, grinning all over my face, and squeeze his hand in return. We’re back together and he’s agreed to try and be less busy. This is brilliant.

  ‘So tonight,’ he says. ‘The others were talking about having dinner in the chalet, and then going out to the square to see some fireworks. Sound good?’

  I nod again. ‘Sounds great.’

  Leo persuades me to go back to the slopes, and we do a blue run with David and Nina. Like my conversation with Leo, it’s much easier than I thought it would be. I’m so happy that by the evening I’m singing tunelessly in the shower. I put on the new dress I bought for Christmas – a glittery forest-green number from Joy with a cut-out back and long sleeves, über-flattering – and my favourite stud earrings from Alex Monroe, in the shape of pears. And I finally take the time to do my make-up properly, giving myself big bronze smoky eyes with my new gel eyeshadow and lining them with my Stila smudge stick in Damson. I’ve even brought some individual fake lashes, which look great in photos.

  ‘Mags.’ Leo puts his head around the door. ‘Come on. We’re about to have some champagne.’

  ‘OK – I’m coming. I just want to do my lashes …’

  ‘But everyone’s waiting for you.’

  ‘OK, OK.’ I don’t see why they can’t start drinking without me, but I don’t want to pick a fight when we’ve just patched things up. I follow Leo down to the living room, where everyone’s gathered around a table full of canapés.

  ‘We’ve made Kir Royales,’ David says, handing me a glass before putting his arm back around Nina. She looks great in a sleeveless red dress: much more grown-up. I notice that David doesn’t have his usual shadow. Jenny is standing on the other side of the room laughing ostentatiously at something Leo’s saying and flicking her hair at him. She’s obviously trying to make David jealous; I wish she wouldn’t use Leo as a prop.

  ‘Cheers, everyone!’ says Rachel. ‘Happy almost New Year!’

  We all sit down to dinner, which Rachel and Oliver serve up. Gavin has knocked himself out with a beef dish in pastry, with a tomato tart for me, and spinach savoury pancakes to start. I’m so full that I can’t even manage the clafoutis – a kind of cherry pie – for dessert, but as Oliver points out, it will be nice for breakfast.

  ‘Wow,’ Leo says. ‘It was only a few years ago that New Year’s Eve meant wandering around in the rain looking for the house party of a friend of a friend. Now we’re skiing and eating clafoutis. When did we get so old?’

  I laugh. Rachel beams at us from across the table; she’s obviously pleased that we’ve made up. The only person who doesn’t seem full of New Year’s cheer is Jenny. Aside from a few grumbles about what a nightmare she’s having trying to sell her two-bedroom flat in Putney, she’s been mostly quiet by her standards. I notice that she’s given Leo half her dessert, which makes me edgy because it reminds me of her offering David her chips. But I’m probably being paranoid. It’s just a dieting trick of hers, or else she’s showing David what he’s missing.

  After dinner, we sit around drinking very strong Irish coffees made by David, until someone notices that it’s nearly eleven and the fireworks have started. We all put our coats on and file outside. Leo and I walk along with the other two couples ahead of us. Jenny is lagging behind on her own. I’ve just noticed that she has the same Superdry jacket as Leo, teamed as ever with her gigantic fur hat. If it was anyone else I’d wait for her, or go and check on her, but I’m not that nice.

  ‘What’s up with her, I wonder?’ I murmur to Leo.

  He looks behind. ‘Not sure. I’ll go back and check.’

  ‘Oh – OK.’

  I’d prefer it if he didn’t, but that would be mean, and anyway, I don’t want to push it with Leo right now. I catch up with Rachel and Oliver and we make our way to the main square, which is packed with happy après-skiers and holidaymakers. The fireworks are arcing across the sky in starbursts of white, red, yellow, green and purple. Rachel and I stand near the Christmas tree while Oliver goes off to get us all some hot wine. I hope Leo finds me soon; I don’t want to play gooseberry all evening.

  ‘So,’ Rachel says, turning to me with a smile. ‘All good?’

  ‘Oh yes – thanks. We sorted things out.’ But even as I’m saying that, I’m thinking: did we? I’m still being rushed because ‘the group’ is waiting for me. Leo’s dashed off to look after Jenny and I still don’t feel I can say anything. We’re no closer to moving in together than we were before we went away. Has anything genuinely changed?

  ‘That’s great! Where is Leo, by the way?’

  ‘He’s gone to check if Jenny’s OK.’

  ‘Oh yeah.’ Rachel raises her eyebrows. ‘Have you heard?’

  ‘No! What?’

  ‘I shouldn’t be gossiping, but … Nina apparently walked in on David and Jenny in the jacuzzi this afternoon. Nothing was happening, except that Jenny was topless. Supposedly she forgot her bikini top.’

  ‘Are you serious?’

  ‘Yes. Nina didn’t say anything, but apparently she took David to one side afterwards and told him his relationship with Jenny was weird and that he needed to choose between them.’

  ‘Nina said that? But she’s such a mouse!’ I feel mean saying that, but it’s true.

  ‘The mouse that roared. Apparently she’s laid down some ground rules and he’s agreed to them. I don’t know what they are … no more topless bathing together, I imagine.’

  ‘How do you know all this?’

  ‘Oliver told me.’

  ‘I don’t believe it,’ I murmur. ‘Was David annoyed?’

  ‘I don’t think so. He said that he’s had this problem with Jenny before – which I happen to know is true – and now he’s realised he needs to set some boundaries. I feel sorry for her, to be honest. This isn’t all her fault: David should have sorted it out a long time ago.’ Rachel pauses, looking as if she’s thinking of something specific.

  ‘So what do you think’s changed?’

  ‘I think it’s Nina. He’s crazy about her. The whole reason we’re having such a deluxe holiday is that he wanted to spoil her, apparently.’

  I look over at David and Nina, who are standing together a little way away. He’s behind her, with his arms circled around her. He’s just the right height to rest his head on hers; they both look very happy. Nina’s obviously not such a mouse after all. Just because she’s quiet doesn’t mean she’s weak; in fact it occurs to me that there’s a certain chutzpah in not feeling you have to make conversation. And she wasn’t scared of losing David. She told him what she wanted and I’m guessing she was willing to walk away if he didn’t agree.

  Whereas … what did I sort out with Leo exactly? I asked him to free up some room in his schedule for me, and he said he’d try. I know I cheated on him. But is that really all I deserve?

  Oliver rejoins us with some mulled wine in paper cups, and we stand around looking up at the fireworks. I don’t know where Leo’s gone. But I do know this: what I did with Sylvain was wrong, but it doesn’t mean I don’t want a proper boyfriend. And it’s finally dawning on me that Leo is not going to be that for me, ever. I’m going to end it with him.

  ‘I’ve got to go and find Leo,’ I tell Rachel.

  Threading my way through the crowd is difficult, especially since it’s dark and everyone’s wearing massive puffa coats or full-length minks. As I dodge around, I’m getting more and more worked up about everything I’ve put up with from Leo. For example, the way he’s always telling me to chillax. We only chillax when it suits him! Why can’t we chillax about me getting lost on the mountain, or saying something bitchy about someone, or interrupting his chess game?

  Just as I’m thinking this, I see the lettering on the back of Leo’s navy Superdry jacket. His arms are encircled around another navy Superdry jacket, which belongs to Jenny, who Leo is kissing.

&n
bsp; The sight hits me like a punch in the gut; I know instantly that I’ll never forget it. It’s horrible. When Leo turns around and sees me, he looks surprised, and guilty – but not that surprised, and not really that guilty.

  Ignoring their shocked expressions, I hurry back into the crowd, my eyes blurry with tears. I can’t believe Leo did that to me – and with someone so horrible. But then again, I did it to him.

  ‘Maggie! Wait!’ It’s Leo. I turn around reluctantly.

  ‘Look, I’m sorry about that,’ he says. ‘She was upset …’ His voice trails off and I can tell that he’s realising how lame that sounds.

  ‘So you had to kiss her? Come on.’ I put my hands on my hips. ‘Leo, I know I kissed someone, but that was a stranger. She’s on holiday with us! I’m going to have to see her at breakfast tomorrow!’

  ‘Well, now we both know how it feels, so maybe we can put it behind us.’

  He so doesn’t get it. ‘I don’t think we can put this behind us. We wouldn’t be going around kissing other people if we were happy together, but we’re not.’

  ‘Yes we are,’ he says, sounding uncertain.

  ‘No we’re not, Leo. I’m not. I want to share my life with someone, and you won’t even schedule a weekly date with me, like you do with your poker group.’

  Leo doesn’t say anything. All around us, the countdown to midnight has begun, in English and French, accompanied by the big screen. I think he finally gets it now.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ he says.

  ‘Me too.’ As the cheers for midnight break out, and people start singing ‘Auld Lang Syne’, I feel a lump in my throat. What a shitty, shitty New Year’s Eve. ‘I’m going home to the chalet,’ I say, trying to keep my voice even. ‘I’ll see you tomorrow, OK?’

  He looks as if he’s about to protest, but then he stops. ‘There’s a key under the mat,’ is all he says. He steps forward and hugs me briefly.

  ‘Happy New Year.’

  ‘Yeah. Happy New Year,’ I reply.

  I turn around and walk away, crying properly now. It’s one thing to break up with Leo; it’s another for him to have a replacement waiting in the wings. I can’t believe he told me he kissed Jenny because she was upset, as if he’s some kind of snogging Good Samaritan. He kissed her because he fancied her, though how this is possible boggles my mind. She’s awful! I wonder: does she really like him, or is she rebounding from David? Either way, at least I don’t have to feel so guilty any more. I blow my nose on a paper napkin from the restaurant where Leo and I had our reconciliation lunch, thinking what a waste of time that was.