Letters to an Incarcerated Brother: Encouragement, Hope, and Healing for Inmates and Their Loved Ones

by Hill Harper

  You have to accept that once you have a criminal record, it stays with you for the rest of your life. There’s no sense crying about it; just realize that it’s going to stay with you for eternity. That’s why you have to tell your son, your nephew, the boy next door, not to ever go to prison, because it stays with you for all of your days.

  You fought to get out of prison, and now you have to fight to stay out.

  I believe that there is a four-to-six-month period after a person is released when they’re full of enthusiasm, but then they start to get beat down by their old friends who are still engaging in criminal activities. In today’s world, if you go for a job interview and say you have a criminal record, they won’t hire you. If you go to the interview and don’t tell them, and they hire you, then two weeks later they find out, they’ll fire you. So it’s difficult to get a job and take care of your family. When that happens, before you decide to put a gun back in your hand or scheme on a drug deal, you should volunteer your time with an organization, whether it’s church, the NAACP, or whatever. The positive karma of helping people when you volunteer will counteract the negative karma. You’ll begin to attract people who will come out of the woodwork to help you. You’ll start to get rid of the stigma of being an ex-con by being around people who can be of assistance to you. You’re not talking to some guy on the street corner; you’re talking to the person who can find you a job, help you out, and give you some direction. These are things that are extremely important once you are released.

  The minute you get out, it’s about the moment, now, and tomorrow. How do you make tomorrow better for yourself?

  You fought to get out of prison, and now you have to fight to stay out. Unfortunately, once you get a criminal record, it’s a struggle from the cradle to the grave. The struggle is gonna be there regardless of how you feel, whether you feel sorry for yourself, depressed, or happy and upbeat. So you might as well fall in love with the struggle, because you’re gonna have to deal with it and fight it. But if you’re insincere in your heart, then you’re wasting everyone’s time. I would prefer for an addict to tell me, “You know what, I like this shit. I like being a junkie, so don’t try to help me, Roc. I like getting high.” And I’d rather hear an ex-con say, “I liked being in jail. I’m gonna go back to my old ways.” I would prefer to hear that instead of “You know, man, I’ve changed, I’m positive now. I want to be a productive member of society”—but meanwhile they’re scheming and plotting to make money illegally.

  It may not seem like having been a criminal has hampered me, but I will admit this. Yeah, when I got out of prison I had my GED and a two-year college degree. Then I went to college in Baltimore and got a degree, and wound up going to Yale University. I went from jail to Yale. I became an actor and was nominated for all kinds of awards: Tony, Emmy, NAACP Image, Independent Spirit, SAG, Golden Globe—every award you could name. And I’ve won many awards. But through all that, I wasn’t allowed to vote in my state of Maryland until the year 2007, when they changed the law. The only time I was allowed to vote was in 2008. That’s how my criminal record stayed with me, regardless of what I was achieving. So you have to live with your record, but you have to tell yourself, “It’s there, it’s my past. I’m not gonna be ashamed of it. I wish I could change it, but I can’t, so I won’t waste a lot of time on it.” What you did is between you and God. You can regret it and weep about it in solitude, but you have to try to get redemption and be a better human being. Then your eyes will be opened up in ways you never imagined.

  Once you’re released, you can’t play catch-up. You can’t catch up socially or sexually or monetarily. Unfortunately, those years are gone. You’ll never have them again. So you shouldn’t play catch-up. The minute you get out, it’s about the moment, now, and tomorrow. How do you make tomorrow better for yourself?

  Sincerely,

  Charles “Roc” Dutton

  FINANCIAL CHARTS

  Fill out the monthly amounts for each category to see where your money is going.

  TRACKING FOR PERSONAL FINANCES

  Set up weekly and monthly finance tracking charts

  Assess where cuts can be made

  Target savings vehicles

  Make sure investments are diversified

  LETTER 40

  Final Judgment

  Don’t wait for the final judgment. The final judgment is every day.

  —Albert Camus

  Dear Brother,

  I had a nightmare last night. You called me and told me you wanted to go back to prison. It sent shock waves through my body. It felt so real. I wonder if it’s possible to get so used to a thing—even if it’s against your own humanity—that it becomes more comfortable and familiar than the unknown. I’ve heard the stories in life and in movies about the guy who isn’t ready to go out into the world. If I am really to call you my brother, then I should admit that the greatest fear I have for you is that you’ve been blinded to your own future. That’s why I’ve asked if you met yourself five years from now, who would that person be? Thinking and acting on where you want to be is like a muscle that’s got to be used.

  When you have a certain level of comfort—a roof, food, friends, the ability to travel and to have options—you kind of fall into a routine because you know you got the lucky break this go-around. But it doesn’t make life easy and all of us have our demons, and we all create many of our own. Sometimes we mistake our demons for our friends. They may seem like familiar figures, but in reality, they are in fact demons that just hold us back. I know I’ve been guilty of confusing the two. There’s an African proverb that says, “Until the lions have their own historian, the hunters will be the heroes.” You and I can become our own historians—changing and making history—but neither of us can if we are imprisoned in cells, real or metaphorical. So make a pact that neither of us will ever mistake our demons for friends or imprisonment for home.

  You changed the lives of two men.

  I can’t wait until you get back to town so we can hang. I miss you, man. And guess what? My brother Harry called me for my birthday last week. First time in years. And when I heard his voice on the other end, I thought of you. Because I knew that he and I wouldn’t be talking, if it wasn’t for you inspiring me to reach out to him. You see, you’re more powerful than you even know. You changed the lives of two men. Two brothers. I love that we have become friends. And I know there will be struggles ahead, but we can face them together and look for as many moments along the way to laugh. Here’s to you and the freedom you have given me. And I want to make sure we do everything for you to keep your freedom. Let’s do the work every day.

  Do you hear me? I need you to stay out of prison. I need you to create opportunities in the so-called free world. You and I are now linked. We are brothers. We are connected in a mutual destiny. My success will be measured by yours. Your success will prove to be revolutionary. It will strike a direct blow to systems that have set you up to fail. You will cause fundamental systemic change, just as your failure would have perpetuated the status quo.

  Let’s do the work every day.

  By succeeding at your new life, you give me permission to fly higher and succeed at my own.

  When you succeed you are saying, “I am not a slave. I am a man!” And yes, my friend, my brother, you are a man. I am so proud of you, because you represent the best of all of us. I can’t wait to see how high you will soar!

  Your brother who loves you,

  Hill

  CONTINUE TO SOAR

  PART 5

  ADDENDUM

  Dear Brother,

  This is your owner’s manual. I call it that because after you stepped through those prison doors, you became the caretaker of your own life. Just as when you drive a car off the dealer’s lot, that car becomes your responsibility and you use your owner’s manual to learn how it works, as well as how to take
care of it. From now on, you are taking ownership of your life!

  I want no excuses; no bullshit; no “If only I would’ve been born into the right family” or “If only I would’ve known this or that person.” This manual is a nuts-and-bolts guide for the rest of your life. And for the purposes of this manual, no excuses are allowed, because there is enough information and guidelines in this manual for you to build a solid foundation for an extremely successful and unreasonably happy life. The only thing that can stand in the way of that is you. Are you going to step up and own your life? If you are, here’s the manual.

  After you stepped through those prison doors, you became the caretaker of your own life.

  Now that you have been released from prison, some of the key components of starting life anew are taking care of your health, continuing your education, getting your finances together, and getting a job. I know I’ve talked a lot about that in earlier letters, but I’m going to say it again: You won’t get anywhere without an education. You have your GED, but I want you to continue taking courses at your community college, at the same time that you’re working your first job upon release and also planning the business that you’re going to start. I know that this might sound like too much at once, but I know that you can do it, and I’ll be cheering you on all the way.

  Then the manual takes you through some basic health information, including diet, exercise, what to expect at doctors’ checkups, and mental health.

  So here’s your very own owner’s manual to get you in the driver’s seat of your life and heading in the right direction!

  Yours,

  Hill

  OWNER’S MANUAL

  Dear Owner,

  Judging by the life you have now chosen, you are a member of a special breed. By choosing to follow this manual, you are choosing to change your life for the better. Remember, you are unique, so you must follow these instructions according to your unique capabilities. Read this owner’s manual very carefully, because the more you know what needs to be done to be successful, the more successful you will be and the more pleasure you will experience!

  EDUCATION

  This is the most important functional element for building a successful life. Education and training do not always mean formal schooling. Expanding your education and training is foremost in helping you succeed for the long term.

  Education Options

  Reading: You are already using the reading list at the end of this book, and there are also trade schools and apprenticeships that you can apply for. Education and training are critical, but there are many ways to get both.

  Getting Your GED Through Correspondence Courses

  You can write to the school requesting information on scholarships they offer.

  Write to local associations, churches, and civic clubs, such as Rotary or Kiwanis, to inquire about scholarships for incarcerated individuals.

  Many churches have prison ministries and outreach programs. Write the pastor a letter requesting a special collection to be made one particular Sunday specifically for your classes.

  It is important to get good grades in your courses because those who may award you scholarships in the future will want to see that you have made a real effort.

  Trade apprenticeships: A lot of people don’t recognize the real value and opportunities that apprenticeships provide. P. Diddy had an apprenticeship/internship with Andre Harrell at Uptown Records, and so can you. Usually, getting an apprenticeship training program means finding a job first. Speak with employers in your chosen trade and find out if they train apprentices.

  For apprenticeships in construction, contact the local joint apprenticeship committee (JAC) of the trade that interests you. A JAC is a volunteer committee that shares information about a specific trade and usually directs people to a technical school where you can obtain applications and information.

  For apprenticeships in manufacturing and service industries, contact employers directly. Talk to someone in each firm’s personnel office to find out their procedure for choosing apprenticeship candidates. Sometimes these apprenticeship programs are listed with a job service, with a technical school, or in newspaper ads.

  In large industrial plants, apprenticeships are often open only to workers already employed in the plant. In these situations, you must first be employed by the firm and then seek an apprenticeship.

  Looking for an apprenticeship is like seeking a job. Don’t be discouraged if you have to wait to get into an apprenticeship program. Continue your education through courses at technical or trade schools. Employers will be impressed by this. Most importantly, be both relentless and patient. If you persist and really try to uncover every opportunity, eventually you can and will land an apprenticeship.

  Display your qualifications: Courses taken in school, grades, and any related experience you have had regarding the trade you have chosen should be on the application/résumé.

  Go to the library: Check online for free at your local public library or the telephone directory yellow pages for the appropriate trade union and ask about their joint apprenticeship committee application procedure. Nonunion or open-shop construction employers also train apprentices.

  YOUR FIRST JOB INTERVIEW

  In How to Make People Like You in 90 Seconds or Less, author Nicholas Boothman shows that when you first meet someone, your greeting should reflect an open attitude and body language. Here are some tips.

  Be the first to make eye contact and the first to smile.

  Have a firm yet respectful handshake.

  Establish a rapport by giving the person your attention and warmth.

  Synchronize your body language and tone of voice with theirs.

  Have a useful attitude (be cheerful, interested, curious, and warm).

  ACCESSORIES, SPARE PARTS, AND MODIFICATIONS TO YOUR VEHICLE

  Be sure to dress appropriately when going on interviews. Be neatly shaven and have clean, neat hair. Do not overdo it with colognes, perfumes, or scented oils. A subtle, fresh, and clean scent is always best. And most importantly, smile! Even if your teeth are jacked up, smiling is the number one way to put other people at ease and to position yourself for that job or apprenticeship. (You can get that grill fixed with braces after you get the job.)

  YOUR PERSONAL BOARD OF DIRECTORS

  You need to make new personal connections that will help you in your goal of moving up. You may meet people at your new job or while volunteering at a soup kitchen or community center. Do not rely on other people to make the introduction.

  No one succeeds in a vacuum: You must take advantage of the wisdom, experience, and different perspectives of a trusted group of individuals, or your personal board of directors. You are building a new life, so you need new information and positive influences.

  Set your goals and do research: Bring in your personal board of directors. Use their insights as you get to know them. Engage them in the process of reaching your goals. And this is important—if they tell you something that goes against your instincts or you are faced with hard questions about the process and goal, don’t take that as a signal that it’s time to quit. Attacking the hard questions at the outset makes dealing with challenges much easier when they arise. Obstacles will always come, so the better we are at anticipating them, the more efficiently we’ll overcome them.

  Building the board: Choosing your personal board of directors takes some thought, but do not get bogged down in the process. Here are the key points to building the group:

  Don’t go too big: Personal boards of directors should have three to five people on them. No more, no less. With fewer than three, you don’t get enough diversity of input into your planning process. With more than five, things get unwieldy.

  Choose a diverse group: The broader the experience of the board members you are able to assemble, the more types of insight
you will get into your process. Some of the members’ talents and abilities will complement yours and some will supplement them.

  Choose people who are:

  Creative

  Well organized

  Older

  Well connected

  Stay in touch regularly: The members don’t need to know each other—they don’t even need to like each other. You need to put together the team that will best serve your own interests. That means being in regular contact through e-mails, phone calls, evening brainstorming sessions, Sunday-morning coffees, etc. You need to talk to each of them at least once a month and e-mail even more. If there is an item that needs feedback, make sure each member of the team has a chance to weigh in. It is your responsibility to nurture the relationships.

  Acknowledgment: When you build your team, you can be as formal or informal as necessary, as each individual will vary. People are busy—especially successful people—so be mindful of their time. However, when you engage your board of directors, be sure to reinforce your gratitude for their input. Don’t be a suck-up, but let them know they are valued and appreciated! And even try to think of ways you could be helpful to them, because reciprocation is very important.