PORN STARS... More Than Just Moans

by Joseph, Fabiola;L. Ramsey, Matthew

  “You don’t have to worry about that, it won’t happen again. I’m just happy that she cooled down before she blew up.”

  “So how are you really feeling, about the whole L thing, are you sure he hasn’t called?”

  I looked around before I answered him. I wanted to make sure that the would-be night stalker known as Breeze wasn’t around.

  “Nope, haven’t heard a word, not one. Now tell me that ain’t some bullshit. After our first time in Vegas, I spoke to him all day every day, now not a fucking peep. Guess he knows that the jig is up, that I found out about him still being with his wife.”

  “I’m so sorry, Jazzy; I really didn’t see that shit coming. Isn’t it crazy how you and I are kind of in the same spot, as far as love is concerned? We really do know how to pick them, huh?”

  “Like two fucking peas in a pod.”

  We smoked and laughed and at times almost wanted to cry. The world wasn’t as bright for neither of us as it was before. And as we wallowed and chuckled at our current space in life, two hours had passed without us noticing.

  “Well, I’m gonna head out, gotta go home and fake contentment and blindness to the fact that Tyree’s a cheating asshole.”

  “Fake it ‘til you make it, boo.”

  We stood up and headed to the door. He reached in his pocket and pulled out his second to last J.

  “You can have this, I got more at home. Plus something tells me that you’re going to need it tonight.”

  I took it from him as we both looked at the stairs that lead to Breeze.

  “Oh, hey, I wanted to ask you for a favor. Before I head out for my audition tomorrow, I have to go to my place and survey the damage. I wanted to know if I could store some things in your garage; that is, if there is anything left after the fire?”

  He looked confused and I already knew what question was coming next.

  “I just don’t want to move anything personal in here. I still plan on leaving. If I have things here, I won’t be able to just get up and go. I promise they won’t be there for long, I’ll have movers come and pick them up as soon as I get to Vegas, please?”

  “You don’t have to beg, Jazzy, you can use my garage for as long as you want. I was just wondering why you wouldn’t want to bring them here, but I get it now. That will be no problem. But I have to tell you, I really don’t think that this is a good idea, living here and all. It just doesn’t seem right. And what if Lanell ever found out? I know that things are crazy with you two, but I just don’t think it’s right for you to be here. I’m just telling you as a friend.”

  “That’s why I don’t plan on staying here too long.”

  He was right and we both knew it. I gave him a tight hug and watched him as he got in his car and drove away. I was so thankful that he was in my life. I closed the door and headed up the stairs. Once in the room, I lit the blunt Jamar left behind and crawled into bed with my current bedmate.

  “So, what do you want to watch?” Breeze asked as I slid into his arms and passed him the weed.

  *****

  The next morning, I went over to my place and held my breath before I turned the key. I was afraid to open the door and see my place completely destroyed. I pushed the door opened with my eyes closed and just stood there. The vacant smell of smoke and burnt materials invaded my nostrils. My stomach sank to my feet as my imagination ran wild. Finally I just said fuck it and opened my eyes.

  “Oh, my God,” I said as a smile crept across my face. I could forget about salvaging any electronics due to water damage, but besides that, most of my things were okay. I walked around and put pink post-it notes on everything I wanted the moving company to pick up. There wasn’t much that I wanted. I was going to be leaving a lot behind. Didn’t want the old memories, just taking my mother’s art pieces and some things I had since Puerto Rico. All together I think I had about ten boxes worth of stuff. An hour later, I had my jewelry box in hand and was ready to head for my audition.

  *****

  “So we’ll call you and let you know our decision.”

  I had been in the director’s office for no longer then fifteen minutes before he gave me that old Hollywood bullshit line about calling me.

  “I can do it again, read it a different way maybe?”

  I was willing to try anything to get this part. And I’m not sure that sleeping with him was off that list.

  “No, that won’t be necessary, we’ll call you.”

  With that, I knew that it was time to make my exit. By the time I got to my car, I was close to tears. I didn’t know what I had done wrong. To me, that was one of my best readings yet. I picked up the lines right away and didn’t even have to look at the script. I just didn’t know why he didn’t like it, and that was frustrating. I drove straight home with one thing in mind. I needed a stiff drink and to be alone. My dream, the dream that kept me alive through my mother’s bullshit, the dream that was so close today that I could smell it had yet again eluded me. I couldn’t wait to kiss this fucking town goodbye.

  When I got home, I walked directly to Breeze’s well stocked bar. I poured myself a tall glass of liquor and drank it straight. I poured myself a second one, kicked off my shoes, and was on my way upstairs when I heard the doorbell. I stopped and looked at the door hoping that whoever it was would go away. When they didn’t ring again, I continued on my way up the stairs. Boom, Boom, Boom! Who the fuck is that, I asked myself. I looked at the clock on the wall and it read 1:30. When the banging continued, I made my way back down the few steps and unlocked the door.

  “WHO THE HELL IS IT?”

  I swung the door open and immediately wished that I had kept it closed. The glass that was in my hand crashed against the floor. It shattered into millions of little pieces, as if it were imitating my life.

  “What, how, what are…”

  “Just had to see it for myself, wouldn’t believe it unless I did.”

  “What are you doing here…who told you, how did you know?”

  “Does it matter?”

  Lanell turned his back on me after giving me the dirtiest look I had ever gotten in my life. My right foot dug into the sharp glass on the ground and begun to bleed, I didn’t even notice nor did I feel any pain as I followed him, leaving a trail of blood behind.

  “What are you doing here Lanell, and how did you know where to find me?” I asked as I grabbed onto his arm forcing him to turn around. He stopped walking, yanked his arm out of my hand and looked straight at me.

  “Someone told me where to find your trifling ass, someone who couldn’t stomach the thought of me not knowing that my fiancé is fucking and living with her boss.”

  “Your fiancé, really? You still considered me that after fucking and laying up with your wife? I didn’t know you could have both of those at the same time, a wife and a fiancé.”

  “What the fuck are you talking about?”

  Was he really trying to stand there and play the dumb card? What did he take me for, an idiot?

  “What, she didn’t tell you that I spoke to her?”

  “My wife?”

  “Oh, now you remember that you have one?”

  He didn’t answer. He just stared.

  “Why didn’t you come to Vegas?”

  “Why are you here, in this house, are you really living with him?

  He heard my question but wanted his answered first.

  “Was it because you were in her house, her bed, your wife that is? Did you tell her you loved her as you fucked her, you know, how you do with me? Is that one of your favorite lines? Does it turn you on to play with people’s minds and hearts?”

  I wanted the truth this time and I wasn’t going to stop asking my questions until I got it.

  “So how long did it take you to move in with him, a day, a few, a week maybe?”

  “Did she tell you that I spoke to her, the night you were supposed to meet me in Vegas? She told me that you were there, in her bed. She told me that you two were still together. S
o, how long have you been lying to me, filling me up with your lies, your fake dreams, your bullshit?”

  “When did you speak to her?”

  “That night. The night you were supposed to come. That night my whole fucking WORLD CAME CRASHING DOWN.”

  I was losing the cool I was trying to hold on to. He was still lying; he was still treating me as if I was dumb.

  “That night, that night, I was with my son. He was sick; I had a hard time seeing him before that. I was going to call but---.”

  “But you never called. Not that night, not the night after. YOU NEVER CALLED.”

  “I was there FOR MY SON, NOT MY WIFE.”

  “No, you were there for her too, she told me so. Said that old was new again. Said that you were in her bed as we spoke. Was she lying?”

  We were face to face, eyes to eye. I wanted to see if he could just lie to my face without even blinking, without even caring.

  “I was there, in her house, in her bed, not with her, but I feel asleep with my son.”

  “Why didn’t you call me Lanell, you never called?”

  His eyes softened as he heard the pain in my voice.

  “I couldn’t Jasmine, my phone was gone. Couldn’t find it when I got up, she said she couldn’t find it either. I called her every day, but she said she never found it. All my numbers were lost; I couldn’t even call my brother until I spoke to my parents. I waited for you to call once I got a new phone. Kept it with me night and day, just waiting. When you never did, I thought I would come out and surprise you, tell you what happened.”

  “So it was all a lie, what she said?”

  I felt dumb; I was dumb for believing her.

  “All lies. But this isn’t, you living here, being with HIM. It’s all true, and that’s a shame. Didn’t want to believe it but I have to believe my eyes, WHAT THE FUCK, JASMINE, HOW LONG DID YOU WAIT, AFTER NOT HEARING FROM ME, TO MOVE IN HERE?”

  “We can fix this Lanell, we can figure everything out. Just calm down, you have to understand.”

  He reached into his pocket and pulled out the keys to his truck. Panic started to set in once I realized that he was about to leave. I grabbed onto his arm again and held on tight.

  “I didn’t know that she was lying, Lanell. I was hurt, in shock. I needed a place to go; my place was set on fire. I needed a place to go. Don’t you understand that’s all this is, a place to live, nothing more?”

  “Did you fuck him? Have you fucked him since you said yes to me?”

  I didn’t answer him, I couldn’t answer.

  “You can keep the ring,” he said that with such closure, as if I would never see him again. And as he pushed the unlock button on his keychain, I lost my mind.

  “NO, PLEASE LANELL; YOU HAVE TO LISTEN TO ME. PLEASE, JUST UNDERSTAND THAT I WAS HURT, I NEEDED A PLACE TO GO, PLEASEEEE.”

  We were having a fight of tug of war, I was holding onto him, any part of him so that he wouldn’t leave, so that he couldn’t leave. He was pulling away, trying to get away from me.

  “We can work this out, please, just listen to me, Lanell, just listen.”

  I was crying, trying to hold on to him, trying to hold on to what we had.

  “Nah, I’m good, the proof is in the pudding.”

  With that, he pushed me away from him and slammed his car door.

  “I thought you said you loved me?” We asked in unison.

  “I did,” he answered.

  “I still do,” I said before he drove away.

  Chapter 32

  “Here’s to new beginnings.”

  A few weeks went by and it seemed like Tyree was doing his own thing while I was doing mine. We didn’t discuss it but I didn’t care who he fucked, when he fucked, as long as he fucked me when I needed it. Even though I wasn’t in love with him anymore I still had needs and you don’t find dicks like Tyree’s too often. Once or twice a week I’d walk up to him, pause his video game, suck and ride his dick long enough for both of us to get off then I’d let him be. I wanted him to think we were still good so there were no emotions attached to our sex, it was strictly me doing what I had to do; kind of like the “straight” men in prison, I’m assuming that’s what some of the men in there who crave pussy do when their hands are no longer good enough to satisfy the urge and their only option is to fuck another man.

  I was feeling good, I had come to grips that we were just roommates and I was ready to move on. The weekend was over and Tyree just returned from seeing his girlfriend so I had the urge to spend his money. Tyree caught on to me using him for free stuff and in so many words cut me off, so I had to take matters into my own hands. I stole his check card out of his wallet when he wasn’t looking and headed to the mall. I brought a bunch of shit I didn’t even need from the stores I knew they wouldn’t even bother asking for identification. I had plenty of money, way more than the average 20 year old has or needs but I wanted to waste his.

  Just for a laugh I brought him a couple of outfits with his own money, just so I could smile and say I was thinking about him. After getting a quick bite to eat on his dime I was driving down Sunset Boulevard when I spotted someone. At first I almost didn’t recognize him because he looked like he had been to hell and back. I noticed it looked like he was begging for money from everyone who walked passed him. As I slowly drove pass I started to just go home and pray for him, but I put myself in his shoes and thought Damn, I would hope if I was ever homeless and someone recognized me, he or she would help me out. I pulled over real quick, and then got out my truck so I could walk down to where I saw him standing. I smiled and started to say hi but he spoke first.

  “Excuse me, sir; do you have any extra money that you could spare? I’m starving and haven’t had anything to eat in days.”

  I knew right away that he didn’t realize it was me, but then again he had his head down as if he was ashamed. He had on some torn jeans that were stained, especially in the knee areas, his shoes that were once white were now grayish black, his hair which used to always be in long braids were now a small uneven afro. His lips which used to be plump and juicy looked dry and crusty. I almost gave him the four hundred dollars I had on me and planned to just walk away but something told me he needed more than my play money.

  “Domingo?”

  He slowly looked up, put his head back down and said, “If you’re a fan and aren’t buying keep moving, otherwise if you got a place to go I’m down for whatever as long as you have sixty on you.”

  I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, it was almost pathetic. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t judging him since I’ve sold my soul pole a few times too but I felt like what he was doing wasn’t right. He deserved a lot better.

  “Domingo, it’s me Jamar, my bad, I mean Krave.”

  He quickly looked up and his eyes opened wider as he stared at me for a moment. After he realized it was me he checked me out from head to toe, and then kept his head down.

  “What do you want?” he asked so nonchalantly like he wasn’t excited to see me.

  “I saw you as I was driving by and at first I just wanted to say hi, but now I want to help you.”

  “Help me? Please no one can help me now. Besides why would you want to do me any favors? Never mind I know what you want, you want to rub it in my face every chance you get, right?”

  “It’s not like that at all, I know we didn’t care for each other in the past, but I want to help you for real. I promise you I’ll never throw it in your face. As a matter of fact if you let me, I’ll take you to a nice hotel, clean you up, feed you, and I’ll never bring it up or speak about it again.”

  “So you’re not going to tell everyone at Fantasy Pictures you saw me out here like this?”

  “I won’t tell a soul.”

  He started to cry, and at first I couldn’t understand what he was saying. Finally he spoke up. “I do need help, I want help, but it’s too late.”

  “It’s never too late, come on, trust me.”

  I had no id
ea what I was doing nor did I know how I was going to help him, but someone had too and I guess Fate would have it that I was that someone. The first thing I wanted was to get a room because he needed a shower bad, and he needed to soak in the tub for a while because he was funky. Normally I ride with the air condition on full blast, but I had to put all of the windows down or it would’ve been unbearable. He noticed and apologized over and over so I told him to relax and not to worry about it so he’d feel a little bit more comfortable. I was just happy my seats were leather so I could wipe them down later. As we were driving I looked over and he was shaking. I knew he wasn’t cold, as hot as it was outside so I assumed he was nervous.

  “Relax, Domingo it’s going to be okay.”

  “It’s not that man. I need a fix. I haven’t used since last night so I’m starting to feel sick. Please help me.”

  I didn’t understand. I was trying to help him.

  “Tell me what you need. Are you hungry? Do you need some medicine?”

  “Do you have a hundred dollars? I’ll pay you back when I can.”

  I knew he wouldn’t be able to pay me back but since I was prepared to give him all of the money I had on me it wasn’t a problem at all.

  “Thanks Krave, I owe you one. Can you do me another me favor?”

  “Sure just tell me what you need.”

  “Make a right at the next light.”

  We drove for a while as he gave me the directions. I knew shortly afterwards where we were heading once I saw the kind of neighborhood we were in. We finally pulled up to an apartment complex with mad people hanging outside. I’m not going to lie I was scared and thought I made a mistake taking him there.

  “I’ll be right back.”

  At first I thought he was going to run off and leave me sitting there inside my truck while I got stared down by men and women. Some looked like they were trying to check me out while others were mean mugging. After about ten minutes I decided I was going to drive around the block, come back, and if he wasn’t outside waiting I was going to leave. As I took the truck out of park he came running out of the building with a big ass smile on his face. He knew he’d be high soon so that made everything better in his eyes. I was disappointed because here I was trying to help him and all he wanted to do was get high.