Bird

by Sophie Cunningham

  So, every morning for the rest of our time there, I took to putting on a long skirt and long-sleeved top before going down to the kitchen. I watched Raj chop onion, green chili and garlic. He’d fry mustard seeds and used more curry leaves than I had seen in my entire life in every single dish that he prepared. I trailed along behind him at the markets at Welligama despite his acute embarrassment. And the fruit! I went crazy for the fruit. I bought prickly red rambutans and broke them open to get to the white silk underneath. I bought papayas and spooned out the soft orange flesh. I gorged on small pineapples and battered purple-black mangosteens that were so perfect they looked like a Cezanne still life. One afternoon I brought home mangoes of different sizes and colours: green, orange and gold. I taught Anna to slice them on either side of the pip then cross-hatch the slices so that neat bite-size pieces of mango would fall into her mouth. Anna told me later how this indirectly alerted Nick’s wife to his infidelity, in the form of a diary entry that read: ‘Today Anna taught me how to eat mangoes.’ Bella knew he was in Ceylon—since Elephant Walk and The Bridge on the River Kwai a few years later, a lot of production houses had gone scouting there—so the mango was easy enough to explain. Anna less so.

  On our last night on the island, after Nick had left, Anna insisted that she take a turn preparing food. With Raj’s help she made a dish of green beans and grated coconut. She made spicy potatoes and dishes of melt-in-your-mouth eggplant. She made a dry salty fish dish, and a crab curry which could only be eaten by slurping it off your fingers. I’d never seen her make such an effort before.

  ‘Actually,’ she said, when everyone, even Marilyn, started to help themselves to seconds, ‘I have something to tell you.’

  I was reaching across the table for the potatoes when she said, ‘I am going to become a nun.’

  I burst out laughing. Marilyn did the same.

  You knew this new Anna better than I, and began to cry. ‘Will you have any hair?’

  ‘No, sweetheart, I’ll have to shave it all off.’

  I dropped my fork. ‘You’re not serious?’

  ‘Does it mean you will wear those weird red dresses?’ Marilyn asked.

  Anna nodded.

  ‘Does it mean that I can’t live with you, Mom?’ Your voice had become very small.

  ‘You can sometimes,’ Anna said, uncertainly. ‘But not all the time.’

  As I watched this painful exchange I realised where Anna would expect you to live.

  ‘You have done nothing you need atone for,’ I said. ‘You know that, don’t you?’

  ‘It’s not what you think,’ Anna said. ‘My life, our lives, it’s all an illusion.’

  ‘And us,’ I leaned forward, was insistent. ‘Is our friendship, our children’s love. Is that an illusion too?’

  Lama Dorje Rinpoche

  The Third Noble Truth: Cessation of suffering is possible

  once we understand its origins

  [Coughs] Okay, let’s get going again. I better hurry up or all you listeners will get very sick of my sound. [laughs] Anna was away from us for maybe six months. We meet again in Dharamsala. Just down the road from here where we make this tape now. Tashita. Dharamsala very different then. Small town. Actually, you would not recognise it. More Buddhism now, but also more samsara. Anyway, back then Anna bring us many gifts. Magazine called Vogue. Sweaters called turtlenecks. Underpants. [laughs] Lama Gyatsho tell her, ‘I think you have got confused. In a few weeks you are to be my nun. From these gifts I think you want husband.’ But that night I put on the turtleneck and it make me very warm. [more laughter] Lama Gyatsho liked his sweater too. From that moment on, we wear sweaters all the time. So that was a teaching from Anna to us. The Sweater Teaching! The next day, after I try on my sweaters, we meet at the Last Chance Cafe. I tell Anna that walking through mountain passes much easier with turtleneck and Lama Gyatsho say, ‘You see? He is making jokes now. Very good jokes.’ Then Anna ask what we do while she is away and I tell her about going to visit body of simple monk. Friend. Simple but great realisations. By the time we get there: gone! Just some fingernails, some hair, on the ground. Not the American thing, here. No showing off. Anna did not understand these things so I explained. Monk ask that his body be left for a week after he die. His family do that. Each day they look in the room and his body more shrinking and on the last day: gone! After he die, rainbows everywhere, all around the house. That is because he has done meditation to dissolve his body into the light essence from which it was created. Rainbow body.

  Then Anna tell us she is not so sure about being a nun because Ana-Sofia will be scared to see her in robes. I explain that robes are important. Then Lama Gyatsho make joke that robes good for monks and nuns to dance in. Not in daytime but night-time. When there is nobody in their room. Not even themselves! Very good joke that. [laughs] But actually, the real reason monks and nuns wear robes is for protection of vows. To remind them of the precepts. To remind them to practise in daily life. After we born, then we die. Conditions, body, change and decay hour by hour. Minute by minute. Second by second. Even within second. That is the nature of subtle impermanence. It is not noticeable. Our mind often projects permanence onto impermanence. Magician mind creates ignorance. That can be ceased only when you become enlightened. That a joke, but also important teaching on impermanence.

  The next morning, the morning before her ordination, Anna even more afraid. When we go to her she is on her knees chanting: my foes will become nothing / my friends will become nothing / I too will become nothing / likewise, all will become nothing. She is very stiff because she has been chanting all night. She is very afraid to lose her hair and to lose her daughter. She tell us she has been meditating on loving all sentient beings as if they are her mother. She said that this is very difficult because she has not loved her own mother properly; not enough to change things, not enough to make a difference. Also, she is afraid that she does not love her daughter properly. We tell her that what she is doing, embracing the sangha, is very courageous. Then Anna take scissor and cut her hair. Very long brown hair. Maybe grey, also.

  After the cutting Lama Gyatsho take her in the courtyard. It is unusual to shave a student. Especially for special lama like Lama Gyatsho. With Anna, it different, because Lama Gyatsho’s motivation is good. Like a father with a child. One of the things about being a lama is that you see things—you know, visions, realisations, things there is no point talking about because westerners think we’re crazy—but when Lama Gyatsho get out his razor he see lice on everything. He see Anna’s mother shaving her head when just a little girl. Anna screamed. ‘Dear,’ Lama Gyatsho say to her. ‘No nits. This for happiness, not suffering.’

  Soon it was over. All her hair all gone. ‘Old name gone. You have a new name now,’ Lama Gyatsho tell her. ‘New name Tenzin Lhamo. From now on, I am your mummy, your daddy, your boyfriend, your girlfriend. Whatever you need, I will look after you.’ This was true. Guru with her to her very last breath.

  After ordination Anna has problems. The precepts were very hard for her. No sex, no cigarettes, no misspeaking. Lots of rules. Also we don’t have dinner, just one big meal a day. Lunchtime. That very difficult for Anna. For this reason we let her go on little bit of a holiday in Katmandu. Do some fundraising, things like that. Of course we hear stories because of this. Check this freak out, the nun who does drugs. That was what some people say about her. She tell tourists she is stripper, actress, singer, model, centrefold, belly dancer. Also hostess of homosexual bar. Who knows what story is true? Certainly some misspeaking in there. Anyway. We hear about that, and taking trips. All that kind of thing. You know, that was the sixties. Things a bit crazy then! [laughs] She always order huge meals. Didn’t dedicate meal to any being less fortunate or anything like that. Just ate: roast chicken, desserts, cheese. She have several plates at once, peck peck peck, like a bird picking at a carcass. Bit of this, bit of that. She stuff food in her mouth so fast it falls out. Gets food on robes. That upsets me. Did we not t
ry to explain to her the importance of robes? Many times we explain that. So, after she is away for while, we go to Katmandu to talk to Anna and tell her holiday is too long. First we see her in Freak Street. Accidental meeting. She was very busy, going somewhere, so we told her we come to the Yak and Yeti—that her hotel—that night, for teaching. Anna not so happy about that. Then, when we were walking away from Anna, Lama Gyatsho showed the aspect of anger and say, ‘Do not wear that coat.’

  You see Anna was still wearing fur coat, coat made from white rabbit skins. Many sentient beings suffer to make that coat. When we get to hotel Anna yell at us. I think maybe because she know Lama Gyatsho plan to show his wrathful aspect. So she showed hers first. Anna had no control over emotions and that caused her suffering.

  ‘Every day,’ she say, ‘I meditate, and I study and work hard. And for this, a little slip, you make me feel like crap. Well, you know, it is none of your business what I do.’

  That was when Lama Gyatsho really get going. ‘Little slip? Little slip? For the rabbit is a little slip? To be killed,’ he make a knife on his throat. Slicing. Finger is a knife. [long slow hiss] ‘A big slip perhaps? For the rabbit? For the how many rabbits murdered to make this coat so you can look pretty for your friends? And this rabbit, perhaps it was a friend in a former life? A friend that was good to you and keep you warm? Perhaps, even, this rabbit was once your mother. Perhaps it was once your daughter.’

  Anna laugh but it was not funny. Lama Gyatsho put his face close to hers. His breath hot, like fire. He was very big now. Arms wave everywhere. Maybe has more than two, sure look like that. Take up more room than normal: this is extraordinary if you have never seen before. Of course I see many times, but for Anna first time. Lama Gyatsho was demon guru now, that for sure. ‘Perhaps you wear human skin on your back also? Like the Nazis and their lampshades, perhaps like that? Perhaps you also take intoxicants? Do you think I don’t know? Am I not your guru? Your teacher? You have promised me many times, but then with your fickle mind suddenly this promise is nothing?

  ‘These are the five precepts. You know what they are: No killing. No misspeaking. No sexual misconduct. No intoxicants. Only take what is given. How many have you killed to look in the fashion today? How many lies do you tell me? What of the three precious jewels? The Buddha, the Dharma, the Sangha. You offend all three today. All five precepts, these you probably break also. This day, every day.

  ‘Not my business? Have you not checked it out? Do you not understand? It is all my business. The guru is everything. All business. All happiness. Everything. The guru is to help you see the Buddha in you. Without this your dharma is nothing.’

  Suddenly his face very gentle and kind. Guru of compassion.

  ‘My Russian princess,’ he say, ‘are you not a nun?’

  Anna nods. She not saying anything now.

  ‘Is the dharma like your best friend?’

  Anna still nodding.

  ‘Am I?’

  ‘Yes,’ she say.

  ‘Then forget words,’ Lama Gyatsho say. He say, ‘Don’t promise. Do.’ He take Anna’s hands like he is her mother and she is his daughter. He say, ‘You are scared of renouncing pleasure. Don’t be. Put it out, like the garbage. Just like that. I am the garbage man, I will take your rubbish for you. Renounce your stomach cravings. Even drink as delicious as the red grape wine. No more of that. Okay?’

  Still Anna nodding. Not talking, and Lama Gyatsho say, ‘Mummy dear you will have no problems now I think.’

  Lama Gyatsho right. There not so many problems after that. We build our monastery near Bodanath and Anna help us. By 1970 we have dormitories and school rooms for the monks. We have kitchen garden and well for drinking. Anna ring all her western friends. Ian, who lived with us in Darjeeling give us ten thousand dollar from his father! Ian not so good with dharma, but good motivation all the same. His father must be a very good man.

  Biggest expense was statue of Shakyamuni: he must be gold plated with blue curls piled above his head. Indigo. Long lobes on ears. Broad shoulders with chest of a lion. Tapering waist. He sits on a lotus flower. One hand he holds up in blessing and the other touches the earth. Some students say to me that was primitive to spend money on that. Idol worship. Well, I’m not going to go into merit of building statues. I am not going to go into that trip. We will be here until sunrise. But Anna understand that good karma that can be gained by simply looking at a statue of the Buddha. Excellent merit.

  One day Lama Gyatsho give spontaneous teaching and many westerners hear it. Even though our English not so good then, they can tell that is special teaching. Start telling all their friends. Come! Come! Like that. Now more westerners coming up the hill. The teaching about ego and self-cherishing. That is particularly important for westerner to understand. What will it be like to have one day empty of ego and self-cherishing? Do you not imagine that might be cool? Because of self-cherishing, attachment arises. When mind is more selfish, more difficulty in getting along with others. Emotions like firecrackers. Dynamic ego. Create disharmony wherever you go. The minute you can cherish another more than self, there is peace. Minute you understand that, your heart opens to others.

  Things get crazier: one day a guy arrives who think Lama Gyatsho can give him mantra to make things invisible. He follow Lama Gyatsho around for days, like little dog, wanting that mantra. ‘Hey man, be cool. Just a few words.’ On and on. After a few days Lama Gyatsho make some sounds: ‘oohh ahh ma cha’. Something like that. The guy said, ‘thanks man,’ get on motorbike and leave. That man use the made-up-no-good mantra to get drugs into New York. Drugs in suitcase. Make millions of dollars. But then, you know, motorbike crash. [smash of cup on table] Boat sink. Money stolen. [laughs] You want to know how we know this? Because he came back to monastery and dig ditches. [more laughter] Very interested in dharma after that.

  Sometimes with all these people, Anna get jealous. That one of her obstacles. For example, one day a large group of people look for Lama Gyatsho but Anna is at the monastery gates instead. I watch her. ‘It’s lunch time,’ she say to people. ‘You must be hungry.’ You can see that by now, with the influence of the dharma Anna was more polite. She take the people to hill where there is beautiful view and give them offering of momos and tea. She has very good, very profound conversation with them. But they are still sad because they want Lama Gyatsho. Anna keep telling them he not seeing anyone that day. Actually, she was misspeaking. That was not true. I looked at these people and could see they had special karma with our monastery but Anna find it difficult to break her attachment to Lama Gyatsho. She did not want to share him.

  After one hour, maybe two, the people go. Anna stand on the hill and wave. Then suddenly Lama Gyatsho there, saying, ‘You wait! Come and talk. Sorry about Mummy, yes, sorry about that. Looks after me a little bit too much sometimes.’ That is very humiliating for Anna. Later that night Lama Gyatsho say to her. ‘You always first nun, first western student. Very important. But I am not your husband. Can’t get on a jealousy trip. Got to get off that. When you encounter problem, use that problem to practise bodhicitta. What you achieve from that is enlightenment—by sacrificing yourself for others what you get is priceless.’

  After that Anna decide we must run proper teachings for westerners. That very important moment. That the moment where Anna change everything. [coughs] Much merit in that suggestion.

  ‘Okay,’ Lama Gyatsho say to her. ‘But my English not so good. Ask Rinpoche to do teachings.’

  ‘He is just a boy,’ Anna say.

  Lama Gyatsho says this: ‘You look at Lama Dorje and see just a boy? You are judging him like a book. Just like that. Remember when I say being a monk or nun is not about external appearance? Like you? People see ugly old lady who takes too many drugs, and me, I see person with great spiritual strength. Perhaps you are not seeing him when you look.’

  Later that day Anna sit and watch me. I am walking from my room to the kitchen when I see a hatchling that falls from one of t
he eagle’s nests. No feathers. Goes peep peep peep. Very hot in the sun. I recite blessings then pick chick up and hold it in my hand. I am made very sad by that. I make prayers to allow chick to die well, to possibly achieve a precious human rebirth. Then Anna come up to me and ask me to teach. I say I must ask Lama Gyatsho. ‘Perhaps it is as you think,’ I say to her. ‘Perhaps I am not so smart as Lama Gyatsho. Maybe I muck it up.’ That is when Anna say she is sorry about how she behave with me. Very compassionate with me.

  When I ask Lama Gyatsho what he think about teachings he say it will be very beneficial for me to do that. Also he say, ‘if you do not agree, she will buzz around you like a fly on kaka until you say yes,’ [laughs] and that true. Anna pester like a mosquito. She keep on asking me to teach her friends, all our western friends, until I begin to feel encouraged in my heart and develop a strong wish to do it. So that is how we come to do the first retreat. In March, for thirty people, people from America, from France, from Italy, from everywhere.

  [What year is this, Rinpoche?]

  Yes, sorry about that. 1971. The year is 1971.

  I decide that my first teaching will be on the hell realms. That very important to the understanding of karma, of everything. I have to explain the meaning of karma, and when karma ripens in its negative aspects, perhaps the hell realms. I try to explain the ripening-aspect result taking the lives of others. This means that due to the karma of killing, you are born in the hell realm. It’s the karma of the sentient beings suffering in hell to see the bird known as ‘running on fire’, which never gets burned, even when it sits in flames. You see, it pecks open the heads of the sentient beings in hell and drinks their blood. Then, there’s another bird call ‘running over the skull’, pecks at the brain, which bursts into flames and burns the sentient being severely. Another bird call ‘eating the tongue flesh’ appears according to the hell being’s karma, pulls out the being’s tongue and eats it. Due to karma, the tongue re-grows and the bird pulls it out and eats it again, over and over. Near the edge of the lowest, most unbearable hot hell there’s a bird called chha-dab-zhig, whose body is three hundred thousand pag-tsä in size. I don’t remember the size one hundred percent, you should check.