by Alex Riordan
“Why aren’t I that sure?” Stephanie asked. She was fairly certain that she and Jessie had been ‘intimate’ enough lately that she should be.
“Because it’s you that you’re worried about. If the situation were reversed, you’d be sure just like I am.”
It was late, when she finally left Alex’s house. After their initial conversation about Jessie, they had sat and talked for hours, about lots of different things. Having seen the brunette out in public a few times over the last few weeks, she was surprised to find that her personality was nothing like her public persona. Alex had turned out to be quick witted, funny and charming. She could see why Jessie would spend time with her, but for the life of her she couldn’t understand why Jessie had never fallen for the brunette. If she’d met Alex a couple of years ago, she would certainly have fallen for her.
By the time she left, she was feeling decidedly better about the entire situation with Jessie. Alex had invited her to stay, since it was so late, but she declined the offer. Somehow, she didn’t think Jessie would appreciate her spending the night with Alex. Even if she did only crash on the couch; especially considering the fight they’d had earlier. She snorted thinking about how that conversation would go.
Of course, that thought brought her back to their argument. She could admit that she’d started it. Both of them had been stressed all day, knowing that their time was almost up. Stephanie herself could admit that she’d been more than a little on edge and…snippy…would be a good word. Everything Jessie had said or done all day had been met with some sort of smart remark, regardless of whether it had been warranted or not. She also knew there really hadn’t been any reason to get so angry. And yet, when she’d seen Alex with Jessie, something in her head just…exploded.
She knew that Jessie hadn’t initiated the kiss. She also knew that Alex hadn’t meant it as anything more than friendly. She just couldn’t seem to understand why she’d gotten so upset about it. Confused, and unwilling to talk to Jessie until she could explain herself properly, she turned the car toward Theresa’s. By the time she arrived at the blonde’s, she was crying again. Parking the car, she got out and walked up to the front door, knocking on it softly.
“Stephanie?” Theresa said in surprise when she opened the door to see the redhead standing there. It was after ten, and she really hadn’t expected to hear from either Jessie or Stephanie until Monday morning, when she picked them up on the way to the airport.
“Theresa…” her voice cracked, and her knees started to give out. Catching herself on the door, she asked, “I’m sorry it’s so late…but, can I come in?”
The blond opened the door and reached out to help her. “Sure, Steph. Come on in,” Theresa said, walking next to the redhead into the living room and depositing her on the couch. When Stephanie didn’t say anything else, she finally asked, “Stephanie, did something happen? Did you and Jessie…?”
“We had an argument,” Stephanie answered quietly. “I…I…it was all my fault.” Unable to say anything else, she broke down crying again, and Theresa pulled her into her arms, holding her.
After a while, Stephanie finally calmed down and Theresa thought she might be able to get more information out of her. Relaxing and sitting back a bit, she asked, “Steph, what happened? Did Jessie…?”
Stephanie shook her head. “I…I don’t really feel like talking right now, Theresa. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt your evening. I was just wondering…would it…be okay if I stayed here, tonight?” She felt terrible not telling Theresa what was going on, but how could she, when she wasn’t even sure? She shook her head at herself. She was just so confused.
Surprised by the redhead’s refusal to discuss whatever it was that was bothering her, Theresa nodded. “Sure, Stephanie. You’re always welcome here, you know that.”
Stephanie stood up. Sniffing and wiping at her eyes, she said, “Thanks, Theresa. I’m sorry I’m not more…” she waved a hand in the air, “talkative, but I really don’t know what to say right now. I think I just need a place to think.”
“It’s okay, Stephanie. If you need me, I’m here,” the blond said kindly, watching the redhead walk dejectedly down the hall toward the guest room. When she heard the door close, she looked toward the kitchen door. Brian had left the room to give them space when Stephanie had shown up, and now that she was gone, he came back in.
“Is she okay?” he asked, sitting down next to Theresa on the couch and taking her hand.
“I guess. She really didn’t tell me much,” Theresa answered, leaning into him. “She just said they’d had an argument and she wanted to know if she could stay here, tonight.”
“Well, I hope everything’s okay,” he said. “They seemed like everything was going all right.”
“Yeah,” Theresa said, falling silent and wondering just what the Hell Jessie had done to cause this mess.
* * * *
Stephanie closed the door to the guest room and stood in the dark, taking deep breaths. How could she have been so stupid? Jessie had, in typical Jessie fashion, been nice to someone. Okay…that ‘someone’ just happened to be her ex, but that didn’t mean she was planning on cheating on her. And, did Alex even really qualify as an ex? Jessie had made it very clear that she’d never considered Alex anyone special. Just because they’d been sleeping together and Alex was in love with Jessie, that didn’t make her Jessie’s ex…did it? Good God, she was losing her mind!
Even though the room was dark, she was able to find the bed, and she flopped down on it, covering her eyes with her arm. Why in the world did she get involved with Jessie in the first place? She’d known right from the start that it would be a mistake to get involved with someone here. She’d been through this once before, and she’d gotten burned. Hadn’t she learned anything?
Shaking her head, she rolled over and grabbed the pillow closest to her. Hugging it tightly, she realized it was the pillow Jessie had been using, when she caught her scent on it. Her eyes stinging, she realized she was crying yet again. She just couldn’t help herself.
And, lying here in the bed they’d been sharing off and on since the night she’d been attacked, everything came flooding back. All the memories, the feelings, the scents…everything. Jessie had been so good to her that night…how could she possibly accuse her of wanting to cheat on her? The pain and hurt she saw in Jessie’s eyes that night told her exactly how much Jessie loved her. Even if she’d never said the words, Steph would have known. The love and patience she’d shown her was more than she ever would have asked for from anyone but her own family. And here she was, her next to last night in town, alone and crying over something that she had caused. She was supposed to be with Jessie tonight, not here.
Thinking about everything that had happened, and the way Jessie had treated her…she knew exactly why she’d fallen for the brunette. And it had nothing to do with loneliness, as Jessie had first feared. Plain and simple, Jessie was the only one she’d ever really loved. No matter how strong her feelings in the past, she’d never felt anything like her love for Jessie. Strong and passionate…beautiful, intelligent, and extremely sexy…willing to do anything for her…Jessie was everything she’d ever wanted.
Chapter 36
Jessie was on her hands and knees scrubbing the bathroom floor, when Theresa showed up. As the blond stopped in the doorway, she said, “So…would you like to tell me just what the Hell you think you’re doing?”
Jessie rolled her eyes. Turning her head to look at Theresa, she said, “Great! Why is it that the only time you visit me for a ‘chat’ is when I’m in the bathroom?”
“Jessie, cut the crap! What’s going on between you and Stephanie?” Theresa asked, irritated by Jessie’s attitude.
“Nothing’s going on,” Jessie said quietly, trying to skirt the issue.
“Bullshit! She came over last night, crying and upset, Jess,” Theresa said. “What happened? I thought everything was going good for you two?”
Jessie took
a deep breath, but refused to answer. “Just…drop it, T. I don’t want to talk about it anymore.” Her head hurt. As a matter of fact…everything hurt. Her head, her stomach…her heart…everything.
“Well isn’t that just too bad?” Theresa said sarcastically, finally fed up with Jessie’s lack of…whatever. “Jessie, you’ve spent the last few years drooling over Stephanie Winters. Then, all of a sudden, she’s here…dropped smack in your lap by some strange twist of fate. The two of you manage to realize you like each other and start what looks like a great relationship. Now, all of a sudden, it’s just over? Pardon me for asking, but…What the Fuck?”
“She’s leaving, Theresa,” Jessie said by way of explanation, managing to ignore everything else the other woman had said. She couldn’t argue against any of it. It was all true. Besides, it was the only thing she could manage to say. Even uttering the words hurt so bad she could hardly choke them out.
“She has to go back to LA, Jess. You both knew that going into this,” the blond answered, calming down a bit. With Jessie’s words, she thought she knew what the problem was.
“It’s not just that,” Jessie said miserably, sighing. “Alex came by last night.”
“Oh shit!” Theresa said, fearing the worst. “Tell me you didn’t…”
“Of course I didn’t do anything, Theresa! Jesus, what the Hell!” Jessie yelled, getting pissed off at the idea that Theresa would think she would intentionally hurt Stephanie now that she‘d committed to her. Let alone with Alex, of all people.
“So, what happened?” Theresa asked, truly curious.
“I found some of Alex’s things she’d left here, so I called her about a week ago and told her I’d have them in a box for her to pick up. She’s getting ready to go out of town for work, so she called yesterday and asked if she could run by and get them. I told her that was fine, but Steph and I were planning a weekend alone, so it would have to be quick. She was fine with that.”
“That’s it? That’s what caused the blow up between you and Stephanie?” Theresa asked, slightly confused. How could something so small cause such a big problem?
Jessie shook her head. “Stephanie walked in from the bedroom right when Alex hugged me and kissed me goodbye on the cheek.”
“Oh no,” Theresa said, suddenly feeling her stomach drop to somewhere near her feet. “What happened then? I mean, you explained, didn’t you?”
“Of course I did,” Jessie said, annoyed. What kind of a moron did Theresa think she was, anyway? “Theresa…I pushed Alex away. I tried to explain, but Steph just didn’t want to hear what I had to say. We argued, and then she left.”
“God, Jess, I’m so sorry,” Theresa said. “What are you gonna do now?”
Jessie shook her head. “I don’t know what to do, T. Maybe it’s for the best,” Jessie said sadly. It had been inevitable after all, hadn’t it? Stephanie would leave and everything would fall apart? She’d known from the start that this wasn’t a good idea…but she’d taken a chance. She was just so tired of being lonely.
“So that’s how you’re going to deal with this?” Stephanie’s voice suddenly sounded from the doorway. “You’re just going to give up and let me go? You’re not even going to fight?”
Caught up in their conversation, neither of them had heard Stephanie come in. Theresa, sensing that the two of them needed to work this out on their own, left and headed down the hallway. Taking a seat on the couch in the living room, she turned on the TV. She couldn’t leave yet. She knew she probably should…but at least one of them was going to need her before this was over. And, for some reason, she thought it might be Stephanie. Jessie was just too pigheaded and scared.
“I don’t want to fight with you anymore,” Jessie answered quietly, surprised that Stephanie had come back.
“I don’t want to fight with you, either, Jess,” Stephanie said. “But you can’t just ignore this.” When Jessie didn’t say anything, just sat there on her knees with her back to the door, Stephanie pleaded, “Jessie, please!”
Jessie closed her eyes at the sound of Stephanie begging. She hated this. She really did. Why did it have to be like this? Why couldn’t she just speak, and tell the redhead how she felt? She wanted to. God, how she wanted to. Unfortunately, her heart and her tongue didn’t seem to be on the same page. Instead of talking to Stephanie, she couldn’t say a word.
Realizing that Jessie wasn’t going to say anything, Stephanie said, “Fine. Then I’ll talk and you can listen.” Taking a deep breath, she plunged ahead. “I know that what happened with Alex was nothing, Jessie. It just surprised me when I walked out there and saw her kissing you. I know it wasn’t you. I get that. I’m sorry that I flew off the handle the way I did, but you’ve got to know that this isn’t easy for me, either. I don’t want to go back to LA. I want to stay here, with you. But I’ve already put this off longer than I should. Joanie’s been screaming at me for the last two weeks, Jess. I have to go.”
She stopped talking and waited for a moment, hoping that Jessie would say something. Anything would be better than the silence she was getting right now. It was painfully obvious however, that nothing was forthcoming from the brunette. She suddenly realized she was seeing the closed off part of the other woman…the part that she’d seen Jessie display with Alex at the bar so many weeks ago. So, biting her lower lip to keep from crying, she went on. “Jessie…I’m leaving tomorrow morning. I want you to go with me…if you want to. You don’t have to stay forever, but I need you Jess. I don’t want to go back there alone. I can't. It’s so lonely there…”
Wiping tears from her eyes, she waited another moment for Jessie to say something. Still, the only sound in the room was her own breathing, as she tried to control her tears. “Jessie…you said you loved me. Jessie, please…”
Jessie closed her eyes and bit her lower lip. The only thing she really wanted was to pick Stephanie up, carry her to the bedroom and never let her go. Tears running down her cheeks and shaking with the effort to remain sitting upright, she said nothing. Her mouth wouldn’t work. Nothing was working, apparently. She was frozen in place, paralyzed by fear.
Tired of waiting, Stephanie sniffed one more time and wiped her face with her hands. “Fine. If you have nothing to say, then fuck you, Jessie! I’m done! I thought I meant more to you than a couple of weeks, but apparently, I was wrong!” She wanted to beat on Jessie, to make her respond. But she knew it wouldn’t do any good. She’d closed herself off, and there was no getting through.
Turning around and leaving the bathroom, she ran down the hall to the living room. “Theresa, would you give me a ride back to your place?”
Turning off the TV as Stephanie came running into the room, Theresa stood up. “Sure, Stephanie,” she answered kindly. To herself, she thought, Damn you anyway, Jessie Drake! Out loud, she said, “Go on out to the car, Stephanie. I want to talk to Jessie, before we leave.” Tossing her the keys, she headed back down the hallway.
When she arrived at the bathroom door, Jessie was still sitting there on her knees. Head hanging down, she refused to turn and look at her. Theresa didn’t care. “I hope you’re happy now, Jessie. She’s leaving tomorrow and you’ve screwed up the best thing you’ve ever had in your life. From here on out, you’re on your own.”
She turned to leave, but added, “If I were you, I’d think long and hard about what you’re doing. I know you love her. And there’s no doubt about how she feels. The only real question here is: Can you finally stop clinging to your fear and give in to what you want for once in your life? You only have a few hours left.” Then, leaving Jessie sitting there, silent tears streaming down her face, she left.
When she heard the front door slam, Jessie broke down and sobbed. Wrapping her arms around herself, she sat back and leaned against the wall, crying. Why the Hell did this have to be so hard? Why couldn’t she just let go of the past and love Steph? Stephanie was so easy to love, why was she making it so hard on herself? The argument over Alex didn’t mean anyth
ing and she knew it. Stephanie was just upset about leaving and had gotten over the thing with Alex. She’d even apologized.
Taking a deep breath, she forced herself to stand up. Her legs almost gave out once, and she leaned on the sink until she thought she could stand on her own. Turning on the water, she splashed her face. As she looked up, she caught her reflection in the mirror and noticed the flash of silver off the delicate chain around her neck. Pulling the ‘J’ out of her shirt collar, where it had been hidden, she stared at it. Stephanie had given it to her for her birthday, and she’d never taken it off. Not since that night. Sniffing again, she left the bathroom and walked through the house. In the bedroom, Stephanie’s pillow still smelled like her shampoo and there was still a small pile of her dirty laundry lying in the basket, waiting to be washed. On the dresser, sat the picture they’d had taken of them together on their sleigh ride in Aspen.
She went down to the studio and turned on the power. Cueing up the song she’d written weeks earlier, she flopped into the office chair and listened to Stephanie’s backing vocals come out of the speakers. She started to cry again, remembering how they’d spent the rest of that evening.