by Merry Farmer
“Then we’ll never speak of your past. We’ll bury it. No one will ever know.”
To his surprise, she laughed. The reaction caused Faith to wriggle impatiently in her sling. “How do you propose to explain away this one, then?” Ruby asked, pulling her hand away from him to rest on Faith’s back.
“Plenty of men have married widows with children from before,” he said, feeling as though he was losing his grip on a cliff-face, and that a hundred-foot drop awaited him.
Ruby shook her head. “Too many people know my past already. And if they didn’t, there are dozens of newspaper stories with my name written into the headlines, saying exactly what I’ve done.” She sighed, stepping close enough to rest a hand on his cheek. “I love you, Gil, but it wouldn’t work. Mr. Edward has offered me the most reasonable opportunity that will ever come my way. In his household, I could have a roof over my head, food on my plate, and above all else, I could fade into anonymity. I’d be a fool not to take it.”
“It’s not the best option you’ve been offered,” Gil insisted, pain radiating through him, centering in his heart. His head had long since given up fighting.
But all she said in response was, “I’m sorry.”
She sent him the saddest smile he’d ever seen, then lowered her hand and walked on. More than anything, Gil wanted to run after her and continue to argue his point. Love should have conquered all, but it was on the verge of being beaten by mundane, practical fate.
He stood where he was, fighting to steady his breathing and debating whether to continue to run after Ruby or not. He could continue to argue with her, but the resolve he’d seen in her eyes was like an insurmountable wall. If he was going to convince her that the two of them were meant to be together, and that her past didn’t matter to him, he was going to have to work harder.
He let out a breath and turned to march back along the hall and down the stairs. Like it or not, he had other duties to attend to. But the quick walk back to the cottage through the snow was exactly what he needed to cool his temper and steady his thoughts. Ruby wasn’t seeking to betray him, he told himself as his breath puffed in icy clouds in front of him as fat, white flakes collected on his shoulders, she was trying to protect him. Just as he was trying to protect her. It was a sign of love, not rejection, and if they loved each other, like he knew they did, there had to be a way through the impasse.
By the time he returned to the library with the envelope of valet applications for Alex, he’d worked through several solutions to the problem. He was able to approach Alex with an ironclad resolve to make a life for Ruby that they could both be happy with.
“That was an odd departure,” Alex said as Gil handed him the envelope. He wore a knowing look and raised his eyebrow in question.
“My apologies, sir,” Gil said, clasping his hands behind his back and standing straight.
Alex studied him for a long, uncomfortable moment before walking to his desk. He opened the envelope and took out the dozen or so papers inside. “Did you take a look at any of these? Do you have any favorites?”
A twist of embarrassment pricked Gil. “No, sir. I’m afraid I haven’t had time.”
Alex glanced back to him, his expression as curious as it was cautious. “I sent you to get them just after luncheon. It’s almost supper now. What did you do with that time?”
A splash of heat hit Gil’s face that he couldn’t control. He knew how guilty he must have looked, and lowered his head. Images of tangled sheets and Ruby’s lush, naked body shot to his mind, and as hard as he tried to banish them, they went nowhere.
“I see,” Alex said, his tone and arched eyebrow hinting that he could guess everything. What Gil couldn’t assess was whether he approved. “You and Miss Murdoch have become very close, haven’t you?”
Gil cleared his throat. “Yes, sir. And to be honest, it’s something I would like to speak to you about.”
“Oh?” Alex put the applications aside and stepped away from his desk.
“Yes, sir.” Gil nodded, stiffening his posture. “I’d like to marry Miss Murdoch, sir.”
Alex’s expression dropped to a frown. Gil’s hope for a quick and easy outcome dropped with it. “I see,” Alex said, rubbing his chin.
“Marriage would, of course, mean that she would be unable to accept your brother’s kind offer of employment, sir. But it is my belief that Ruby would be happier in a home of her own.”
Alex didn’t reply. He continued to rub his chin, his expression growing darker.
At last, after what felt like an eternity, he sighed and said, “Not to be indelicate, Phillips, but you realize Miss Murdoch is below you.”
Gil clenched his jaw and had to fight to loosen up enough to say, “I disagree, sir.”
Alex let his arms drop and paced to the side. “I understand that you’ve grown very fond of her indeed, but a woman of her background is hardly a match for a young man on the rise, a young man with a promising future in the business and political world. Even if you don’t stay in my employ forever.”
It was clear Alex was attempting to compliment him in the highest way, but it felt like an insult all the same. “I love her, sir.”
“And I take it she loves you and wishes to be your wife?”
Gil couldn’t answer. More heat flooded him. He cursed over the fact that he probably looked like a Christmas candle. “She loves me,” he admitted, “and she will see in time that marriage is the best option.”
Alex’s brow rose. “So she has not agreed to marry you?”
Frustration had Gil clenching his fists behind his back where Alex couldn’t see them. “She does not want to hinder my career, sir, but I have assured her that her love and support could only lift my place in the world.”
Alex let out a breath and shook his head, pacing toward Gil. He stopped in front of him, sitting against the edge of his desk and crossing his arms. “Phillips…Gilbert,” he began, his tone paternal, his caring expression stabbing Gil with unexpected affection, “I know that you love her. But if what you’re telling me is true, Ruby may be trying to tell you what love is preventing you from seeing.”
“I will not be convinced that Ruby is undeserving or unworthy of all the love I can give,” Gil insisted.
Alex hesitated. “I’m sure she’s worthy of love. By someone. But you must also admit that Miss Murdoch has earned several marks against her.”
“She did not earn them, sir,” Gil insisted, his temper on the rise. “Those marks were thrust on her through no fault of her own.” If only he had argued so vehemently with himself months ago.
“It was her trust of Miss Goode that led to my son being kidnapped,” Alex said, a little less of the father about him and a little more of a man looking for justice. “She could have been the death of a child, the end of my line.”
“It was not her fault, sir.”
Alex arched a doubtful eyebrow. Gil was certain he would continue to argue the point, and he was ready with every counter argument Clara Fallon had used against him. But instead of continuing, Alex sighed and stood.
“Have you ever been in love before, son?” Alex asked, the paternal look back in his eyes.
Gil’s lips twitched, and he nearly spat out an answer several times before stopping and taking a breath. “No, sir. Not like this.”
Alex nodded. “You have your whole life ahead of you, Gilbert. Take it from an old man like me. Love can happen more than once in a lifetime, and your first love might not be the one to last the rest of your life.”
It was all Gil could do to swallow his anger at Alex’s patronizing tone. “Just because you had to wait until now to find the woman you were meant to be with doesn’t mean I should have to do the same. I love Ruby. More than that, she needs me. And dare I say it, I need her as well.”
“I’ve no doubt you believe you do,” Alex started.
“There is no believe about it, sir. I know it to be true.”
Alex sighed. “You are a brilliant young man, G
ilbert. I’ve made my feelings clear, and I’m afraid I have to stand by them. While Miss Murdoch may be a kind and beautiful woman at heart, she has decided faults that cannot be recovered from. Should you marry, the sins of her past will become your cross to bear.”
“Then I will bear it with strength and patience, sir,” Gil said through clenched teeth.
Alex looked as though his patience was at as much of an end as Gil’s was. “Understand that I simply want what’s best for you, son. I want you to have a long, successful career and a happy personal life.”
“Which I will have, sir, with Ruby by my side.”
“But experience tells me that it simply won’t work out that way.”
“Forgive me if I disagree.”
Alex pursed his lips, frowning. “Very well,” he clipped. “I do not wish it to come to this, but because I truly and honestly believe you would be making the mistake of your life by marrying a woman who has not only fallen in the eyes of society, but who has made a stunning lapse of judgment that could have spelled ruin for my family personally, I’m afraid that if you continue with your plans to marry Miss Murdoch, I will have to rethink whether it is appropriate to continue your employment with me.”
Gil felt as though someone had punched the air from his lungs. He gaped at Alex, far more hurt than he could have anticipated. “Are you telling me I’m sacked if I marry Ruby?”
Alex’s face pinched. “All I’m saying is that I would have to seriously consider the measure.”
The same ache filled Gil’s gut that had racked him when his father had left. He’d been little more than an infant then, but he was a man now. He understood the implication and the rejection. He understood how Ruby must have felt as hope after hope abandoned her, leaving her out in the cold.
“I will not abandon Ruby,” he said, his voice hoarse and shaking. “She has no one else but me.”
“Gilbert, I’m sorry,” Alex started, his expression pinched. “I—”
Gil turned away from him and marched from the room before Alex could finish. He didn’t take his leave and didn’t show his employer the respect that he should have. There would be other men to show Alex respect, if that’s what he truly wanted. Threats would in no way earn respect from Gil, though. He’d find another position, or, if his reputation was ruined to the point where he couldn’t do that, he’d work in a factory, unloading cargo on a dock somewhere. He’d do anything to prove to Ruby that he wouldn’t forsake her when so many others had.
Chapter 9
After tucking James into bed for the night, Ruby went to her tiny room in the nursery and packed her things. It took less than ten minutes. She hadn’t collected much in her time at Winterberry Park, and she had nothing from her life before that. The only thing she wished she had that she didn’t was some kind of reminder of Gil.
Gil. She sighed as she sat on her bed, staring at the door as she waited for word that Mr. Edward was ready to take her home. Her heart ached every time she remembered the stricken look in Gil’s eyes. She’d hurt him. Again. That much was undeniable. There seemed to be no end to the way she could hurt him. The tragedy of it was that she couldn’t think of anyone she’d loved as much as she loved him. But that was the point. She loved him so much that she couldn’t be the one to hold him back. If they lived in another world, perhaps, one where a woman’s reputation wasn’t so fragile, then she would have run into his arms and never let go. They didn’t live in that world, though, and without the continued support of the Croydons, with her past being dredged up over and over, she could never be the kind of wife Gil’s ambitions needed.
If things were only different. If her past really could be wiped away, or if she had friends strong enough to squash the rumors that would forever surround her, then she could be everything Gil wanted and more.
Those thoughts continued to swirl as the darkness outside her small window deepened. The small clock on the mantel in her room ticked away. Faith was bundled up and sleeping, but ready to be carried off to their new life at any moment. But no one came.
Ruby was beginning to think she’d been forgotten entirely. At last, her back itching with impatience, she got up from her bed, glanced at Faith to make sure she was sound asleep, then tip-toed into the hall.
She made it all the way to the main hall before strains of laughter caught her attention. Anyone who knew him would recognize Mr. Edward’s laugh a mile away. It was broad and cheerful and made you want to laugh with him. Ruby slipped down the hall, feeling incredibly awkward to be spying the way she was. She reached the parlor, peeking around the corner, and spotting Mr. and Mrs. Croydon, Mr. Edward, and Lady Evangeline sitting at a round table, playing cards. She didn’t intend to do more than find out what they were doing, but the moment she popped her head around the corner, Lady Evangeline happened to look up and spot her.
“Oh. I say. Do you need something?” Lady Evangeline said.
Face heating, Ruby stepped around the corner and cleared her throat. “Begging your pardon,” she began with a deep curtsy, not sure who to address. “I wanted to let you know I’m ready to go whenever you depart.”
Everyone at the table exchanged looks, then Mr. Edward burst into laughter. “Oh, no, my dear, I’m sorry. We didn’t tell you.”
Ruby’s stomach flopped. Her world shook on its foundations yet again.
“We’re staying the night,” Mr. Edward went on. “My lovely sister-in-law here has invited us to attend young James’s concert tomorrow afternoon.”
“Yes, it sounds delightful,” Lady Evangeline added, sharing a smile with Mrs. Croydon.
“So you’re reprieved for one more night,” Mr. Edward finished.
“I see. Thank you, sir, my lady.” Ruby curtsied to the entire table.
She met Mr. Croydon’s eyes. He was staring at her with a terrifying look that was equal parts scrutiny and resignation. His eyes bored into her soul. She could only imagine that he was judging her and finding her wanting. The urge to drop to her knees and beg forgiveness for every wrong she’d inadvertently done him was almost too much to resist. The best she could do under the circumstances was to return his scrutiny with a look of apology and regret. She owed the man so much, but it was because of him that she was being banished from the best home she’d ever known.
Her expression shifted from apology into acceptance. She stood a little straighter and nodded to him with the last shred of pride that she clung to. Mr. Croydon’s expression shifted to something inscrutable for a moment, but Ruby didn’t stay to interpret what it was. She turned and rushed from the room.
The uneasy feeling of embarrassment stayed with her as she rushed back to her room and shut the door behind her. She leaned against the door and let out a breath, holding her stomach. One way or another, she was ready for her life to get on with whatever it was going to do. The interminable waiting, the changes, and the shifts, had to end.
She barely slept a wink that night. Faith woke up fussy long before dawn, which didn’t help matters, and James was up with the crows as well.
“The concert is today, the concert is today,” he sang as Ruby worked to hold him still long enough to wash, dress, and eat his breakfast.
“I know, Master James,” she said with a thin smile, a headache forming behind her eyes. “I’m sure you’ll sing marvelously.”
“You’re coming, aren’t you?” he said, bouncing in his chair and coming dangerously close to spilling his milk.
Ruby sent him a sad smile. “I’m afraid I wouldn’t be welcome at a concert like yours.”
“Why not?” he demanded, looking surprisingly like his father as he frowned.
Ruby winced. There was no way to explain the vagaries of her life to a boy as young as James. She settled for saying, “I must prepare to go with your Uncle Edward. I’m to be a maid at his house now.”
James gaped at her as though she’d taken his favorite stuffed toy. “But I don’t want you to go now. You have to stay with me forever.”
R
uby’s heart squeezed harder than ever. “It isn’t meant to be, my dear boy.”
“But I love you,” James insisted. “I don’t want you to go.” He hopped out of his chair and thumped into her, wrapping his arms around Ruby’s waist.
Ruby’s throat squeezed closed as she hugged him back. “I love you too, James, but we can’t always have the things we love in our lives.”
“Yes we can, yes we can,” James insisted.
Ruby didn’t have the heart to set him straight. All she could do was hug him with all the affection that had grown between them in the last several months.
The concert was to take place in the late morning, since so many children were involved. It was part of their school day, and in spite of the mountain of daily work that the mothers and families of the school children had, Ruby was under the impression that most of them were stopping their work for the length of the show.
Which was why she stopped at the door after bringing James downstairs to join his parents, Mr. Edward, and Lady Evangeline.
“Enjoy yourself, Master James,” she said, kneeling to button his coat. “Sing well for me.”
“I want you to come,” James said, his lower lip turned down in a pout. He threw his arms around Ruby’s neck. “Please come, Ruby. I won’t sing well without you.”
Ruby glanced past James to his parents. Mr. Croydon was watching her with his curious look once more, but she ignored him as she hugged James back.
“You’ll do fine without me.”
“Sir, I have your—”
Gil’s voice filled the hall behind her, along with his footsteps. Ruby let go of James and shot to her feet, turning to face Gil—who held Mr. Croydon’s scarf and gloves—before lowering her eyes. She couldn’t stand to see the pain she’d caused Gil. She couldn’t bear to turn back to James either.
Gil continued forward, crossing in front of Ruby on his way to hand Mr. Croydon his scarf and gloves. Ruby peeked at his back once he’d passed her, then blinked in surprise as Gil scowled at Mr. Croydon. Scowled at him, as bold as you please. She’d never seen Gil come close to showing any sort of disrespect to Mr. Croydon. More surprising still, Mr. Croydon lowered his head as he took the scarf and gloves, looking scolded.