Return To Big Sky

by Jade Cary

  “Yes, she was.”

  “You’re beautiful.” He studied the saddle horn, not sure where else to look.

  “Thanks, honey. You’re not so bad yourself.”

  “You can have my mom. I’ll share her with you. She’s beautiful, too.”

  Tears stung my eyes. The word slipped around in his mouth like he’d invented it, and he wore his convictions like a coat of armor, absolutely certain of beauty at least. “Thanks, Charlie. I appreciate that. And she is beautiful. Very beautiful.” We walked on for a while and I listened as he pointed out wildlife, or told stories about life at fourteen. During a lull, I spoke.

  “I’m sorry I never saw you grow up, never got to share every day with you.”

  He nodded and stared across the river. “When’s Dad coming…?” He turned in his saddle and met my eyes. “Never mind.”

  “It’s okay, honey. It’s hard to believe he’s gone, isn’t it?”

  “How come I never seen you before?”

  Once across the river I stopped Paul under the canopy of an old Yew. “Come here, honey. Hop on down.” I held the reins on Mugsy while Charlie twisted out of the saddle. “Come sit by me.”

  We sat next to each other under the big tree, and Charlie gathered Yew seeds and scattered them on the ground like dice in a craps game. He did not look at me. I wondered if my father kept pictures of me, out in the open, like he had with my mother.

  I’d studied my mother in Kodacolor growing up. As a child, I watched her in a loop—her movies, accepting her Oscar. I knew the speech by heart. I would pretend I was in the audience at the Academy Awards, and that she looked only at me during her speech. For years I would tell people I was there that night. She’d won the Oscar before I was born, but I’d seen it so many times, I actually believed it.

  I wanted to believe that my kid brother got to know me the same way. Did Dad talk about me, tell Carlos I was his sister, that I was his daughter?

  “Sometimes, when people go away, they find that their new life suits them fine,” I said. “And sometimes they stay away because, well because they’re waiting to be asked back.” Tears hit my eyes in a flood, and I looked down to hide them. He dropped the yew seeds he was holding and took my hand. “I was also a little mad, maybe, at Dad because he sent me away and I missed out on something special that happened in his life—you. But I’m here now.”

  He blinked several times to hide his own rising emotion. He was doing better than I was. “Forever?”

  “I don’t know yet. I have a big job in another state…”

  “New York.”

  I was suddenly hungry for what this kid knew about me. Would the more he knew correlate with how much my father loved me?

  “That’s right,” I said. “It’s where I live now. Would you like to come for a visit some time?”

  “I guess, but not to live,” he said with conviction. “This is my home.”

  “Yeah, it is. What do you like about it, Charlie?”

  “I dunno. It’s where I live.”

  “Have you been to the city?”

  “Bozeman.”

  “That’s a tiny town compared to New York. What do you like about here?”

  “It smells good. And I like the river. It…”

  “It what?”

  He shrugged. “I won’t say it right.”

  “Sure you will. Try.”

  “I feel her…here.” He touched his heart. “Like, I’d miss her if I went away, and she’d miss me.”

  “She speaks to you, doesn’t she?”

  “How did you know?”

  “Speaks to me, too. Do you love the land?”

  “Yes.”

  “I understand. And, hey…” I squeezed his hand. “You said it all fine, honey. Just fine.”

  He smiled and was silent for a moment. “Can we call Dad…?”

  “Honey…” Carlos stood and stalked over to Mugsy. He stroked the horse’s neck and spoke to him. I could not hear the words, but the tone was soothing. He was a fourteen-year-old boy with the mind of a younger child. In some ways, he was aware beyond his years, in the simplest ways. He knew, for instance, that the feel of a good horse worked miracles. But he couldn’t seem to remember that our father was gone.

  “Do you understand what happened to him, Charlie?”

  “Yes. His heart.”

  “Yes.”

  “I’m afraid I’ll forget him,” he whispered.

  I rose and went to him, wrapped my arms around his chest from behind. “You won’t, honey. We’ll remember him together.”

  Charlie shook me off and gathered the reins in his hands. He took a backhanded swipe at his eyes and climbed up onto Mugsy. “Geese are coming.” He pointed to a flock flying in V formation in the sky. Hunting season was a week away and the Trumpeter Swans were beginning to gather in the lakes.

  I climbed up onto Paul and we followed the river. “Charlie?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Do you know what a will is?”

  “Jed did Dad’s.”

  “That’s right. Has anyone discussed Dad’s will with you?”

  He shook his head. “I don’t know.”

  “You said this was your home. Would you like to live here forever?”

  He looked at me like I’d grown horns. “Where else would I go?”

  I pulled along side of him and smiled. “Touché, my darling. Touché.”

  Trouble

  It was almost dark when we returned. We’d been gone for hours, caught up in the thrill of learning each other. I saw the land anew, through my brother’s eyes. Buying him out was the last thing I wanted to do. I’d rather teach him to love the land, finish what my dad started. It was the least I could do, for both Charlie and my father. There was a future here for Charlie, and that future was young in my mind but it was taking shape fast. Charlie needed a legacy, and I had an idea how to give him one, but I wanted to discuss it with Jed and Maria, then, of course, with him. I would find my experts. If I built it, they would come; I was convinced of that. More could be done with the Culver than a feed farm for the other two properties.

  The boy became someone else when he got on that horse, and I wondered at the power of animals. I’d certainly heard about the miracles they performed with troubled or physically challenged kids, and I supposed I knew of their power first-hand, too. How many times had I taken my beautiful Gwendolyn out for a stroll and cried against her neck, the smell of hay and livestock and the land drawing me to her for solace every time things got too hard. There had to be something to this, and I had the power to make it happen—for Charlie and others like him.

  We rode past the stables to the large corral. I wanted to unhitch the horses and set them out to pasture for the day. They’d earned it. As I dismounted, Jed came flying out the front door of the house, with Maria on his heels.

  “Where the hell have you been?” he growled. He put a two-way up to his mouth. “They’re here; we got ‘em. Come on back.”

  Maria rushed to Carlos, fear and anger hard-set in her eyes and around her mouth. “Mijo, what are you…”

  I caught Maria’s eye with a plea. Carlos was fine; we both were. I watched the play of emotion on her face; the fear our absence had caused mixed with relief that we were back and safe. She caught my look, my plea for grace, and her face changed. She looked up at her son, proud and straight on his horse, and a smile spread across her face despite the tension around us.

  “Well, my goodness, look at you. You look just…just like your father.” Carlos beamed at me and then at his mother as he dismounted. Maria came to him and put her arm around his shoulder.

  “You were gone a long time, and I was worried, Carlos,” she said as she led him away. “Please, mijo, don’t do that again.” And as I watched their retreating backs, I felt the fire in Jed’s eyes scorch me. My fanny tingled. I cut my eyes to him and attempted a smile.

  “Hi,” I said.

  He shook his head. “Get those animals unhitched and get yo
ur ass inside.”

  I felt my face redden. “Excuse me? Jed…” But I was speaking to his back. I heard hoofbeats behind me as Collin rode up. I caught the tail end of Jed as he went through the front door of the house.

  “How mad is he?”

  “Mad, but he’ll get over it,” Collin said. “It’s Maria I’d worry more about. I warned you.”

  I sighed. “You did.” I nodded to the other two men on horseback as they, too, rode up. “Hey, fellas. Sorry for the trouble.”

  They fingered the front of their hats in greeting.

  “Okay, uh…can you get these horses taken care of and let them out to graze for me?” I said to Collin. “I can’t let my brother do this alone.”

  “Sure thing. You go on ahead.” Collin took the reins from me. “Hey, Chandler,” he called to my back as I headed toward the house. I turned.

  “Good to see that kid up again. You did that.”

  I smiled. “Thanks, honey.”

  “You bet.”

  I mounted the steps to the porch and placed a hand on my chest to slow my heart. I took a breath and opened the door.

  Carlos was leaning against the kitchen counter, arms folded, head down. In that moment, he looked like young Mark McCain, leaning against the porch rail awaiting his pa in an old episode of The Rifleman. Maria was in a chair at the head of the table, and Jed was pacing the length of the kitchen. His anger was palpable. I realized, as I stood there under his angry glare, that my session with the Azteca felt like a lifetime ago compared to the few hours I spent with my brother. I’d lost track of time. This one was on me.

  “What in the hell were you thinking?” he said. “You disappear for hours and not tell anyone where you’re going?”

  I held up my hand. “You’re right. I’m sorry. We got carried away, lost track of time.”

  Jed sighed. “Jesus Christ, Chandler, Maria was out of her mind.”

  “Jed, really…he was with me and we were fine.”

  “That is not the point. There are rules.” He glared at my brother. “And you know them, right, pal?”

  Charlie nodded without looking up. So, Jed had cared for Charlie, too, in the same paternal way he’d cared for me so long ago—and still was, apparently, by his attitude.

  “And they have not changed in the fifteen years you’ve been gone,” he said to me. “The rules are in place so that if, God forbid, something happens to you, or you don’t show up for a few hours, we know, in general, where to look.”

  “Seventy-five thousand acres, and you’d know where to look,” I said, with a smirk. “C’mon, Jed.”

  Jed took a few steps toward me. “On horseback I’d have a good chance of finding you, young lady. And you don’t want to sass me now.”

  Young lady. Good lord. Carlos snorted. My eyes grew wide at his gall. Even I knew better than to snort.

  “Carlos had not been on a horse for a long time, and he’s an inexperienced…”

  “Don’t talk about him like he’s not here, Jed. He’s a very good rider. Give me some credit.” I looked over at my brother. “He was perfectly safe with me.”

  “Again, not the point.”

  Carlos raised his eyes to me. A smirk started to tweak the corners of his mouth, and it was so comical, I couldn’t help but stifle a laugh.

  “Oh, this is funny to you?” Jed sputtered. Carlos jammed his fist against his mouth and I bit down on my cheek so hard I tasted blood. “Both of you, really?” Oh, we were getting scolded good, as I knew we would before we took off. This would all be fine, and my brother and I would laugh about it later.

  “You scared your mother, Carlos. And you scared me.”

  Now, that was hitting below the belt. “May I speak to you both alone?” Maria and Jed looked at each other, and Maria nodded.

  I addressed my brother. “Honey, would you go out and help Collin unhitch and brush those horses, and then you can put them out to graze.”

  “Sure, okay.” He turned to his mother. “Sorry, Mama.” And as he passed me toward the door, he turned to Jed. “Don’t be mad. We had fun. Really.” I winked at him before he closed the door. I waited until the sound of his boots faded before I turned to Jed.

  “Please don’t ruin this for him. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you where we were going. I lost track of time. Be pissed at me, but don’t scold him, please.”

  “You didn’t even take a radio, Chandler!”

  “You’re right. We worried you, and that was thoughtless. But I had the most amazing time with him. Maria, he’s a good rider. I think Dad was sneaking him off when you weren’t looking. And something happens to him when he gets on a horse. It’s amazing. I want to tell you both about it. I have so many ideas…”

  “Chandler, mija…”

  “Maria has been out of her mind for hours!” Jed snapped. “He could have gotten hurt…”

  “He didn’t.”

  “He could have had a seizure. You didn’t know he had those, did you?”

  Oh, God. “No, but he didn’t, Jed.”

  “You know nothing about him.”

  “And you do? You know all about him, Jed?”

  “As a matter of fact, I do.”

  “Well, maybe I know something, too. He’s a great kid, and he’s at his best when he’s in direct contact with an animal. Did you know that about him?” I turned to Maria. “Did you? I’ll bet Dad did. I’ll bet Dad saw in him what I did today, and he probably didn’t share a whole lot with the two of you, what with all the hand-wringing going on.” I felt the air leave the room. I should have stopped then. “Even Collin said to me outside how good it was to see Carlos up on a horse again. How is it that everyone knows what he’s capable of, except the two of you?”

  “Chandler!” Jed was livid.

  “Oh, shut up, Jed!”

  Some ungodly force sucked the air out of the room for the second time in less than a minute. Maria put her hands up to her face and swore. A knot started low in my stomach and moved its way up through my chest to settle in my throat. The hum of the refrigerator was the only sound in the room, except for Jed’s deep, controlled breathing. I crossed a line, and I knew it. So did Maria. She went pale in contrast to the fury radiating off Jed. I raised my hand in defeat. Instead of meeting Jed’s eyes, I looked over his head.

  “I’m sorry.”

  He reeled on his feet as if he’d just withstood a blow. He leveled his eyes at me. “Maria, would you excuse us a moment?”

  “Oh, Dios mio,” she muttered. “Jed…”

  “Please,” he said, not taking his eyes off me. With a sigh, Maria stood and headed for the front door. With one more pleading look at Jed, she squeezed my arm. The snick of the front door closing was her only goodbye.

  “Look at me.”

  “Jed, I’m so sorry,” I whispered, so ashamed I could only stare at the floor.

  “Look at me!” His raised voice made me jump, and I brought my eyes up enough to satisfy him—or so I thought.

  “Pick your chin up, turn your head so you are facing me, and look me in the eyes like a grown woman. You said it, now own it.”

  Mortified, I handled myself like someone who did not get told off very often. I lifted my head and took on the haughty air of the innocent. “Why, so you can spank me like a little girl?” One corner of his mouth turned up, and he took two steps toward me. Honestly, it was like my mouth had grown legs.

  “Twice in a week would start to make up for what you lacked as a child, but you have bigger things to worry about. You have no idea what you’re dealing with here, and no idea how scared Maria was. You only thought about yourself and your relationship with Carlos, which you’ve had now for less than a week. And it isn’t that you want to be close to him that pisses me off; it’s your arrogance over needlessly worrying the whole damn ranch because, well…just because. As a little kid, you thought nothing of taking off without telling anyone so the whole place had to shut down to look for you. No one took you to task, no one punished you for that�
�then. It was adorable childish attention-getting back when you were ten; now it’s manipulative, over-bearing and arrogant.”

  Heat shrouded me from my head to my chest. I felt assaulted. I felt like I had nowhere to run. Being called out was not something I was used to, and it needed to stop. Now. “That’s not true,” I defended. “I just wasn’t thinking.”

  “Yes, you were. You were thinking, ‘Carlos is mine, he’s safe, and screw what everyone else thinks’.”

  “No!”

  “’I’m Chandler Asher, back after fifteen years, and I don’t have to follow the rules. Mostly ‘cuz I know best’.”

  He was wrong. Dead wrong. “I guess you have every right to be so self-righteous, Jed, considering you were the son Daddy always wanted, and he was the father you never had. I guess that gives you the right to stand in judgment of me.”

  “You’re goddamn right it does, you insufferable brat! You sought revenge and you held your father hostage for years. I understand anger, but you held on to it far too long, hoping for what? Did you ever wonder what he thought every time he sent you an email and it went unanswered? I do. I know exactly what he thought, how he felt. I was here.”

  “You have no idea! You know nothing about me!” I yelled.

  “I know more than you think, little girl. You wear your anger like a badge of honor, and all it’s doing is alienating the people who love you.” He took my upper arms in his strong hands. “You’ve held the controls too tight, and for too long, Chandler. It ends now.”

  “What is that supposed to mean?”

  He stared at me for a long time. “Maybe it’s time I took control for a while. Go to your room, little girl, and think about it. I’m done here, for now.”

  “Jed!”

  For the second time in ten minutes, I was talking to his back. He stormed out the door, his boots echoing on the porch. And as their sound faded from me, I wondered how something so great went so hell-fire wrong. Did I hold the reins too tight? Did I take rights with my brother I had no business taking? I felt hollow and a little lost. I had no role here, and on the off chance I did, I hadn’t a clue how to perform it.

  I took myself upstairs. I needed a time out like I’d never needed in my life.