"We can't be together because we shouldn't be together." Pain and regret was etched across his face when he looked at me. "Heather, honestly, if any sane, objective person looked at our history together - what do you think they'd say? That it's a good idea for us to try again?"
"I don't know," I admitted. "All I know is, I never stopped thinking about you. Not for one single day since you left."
"Of course you never stopped thinking about me," he said, bitterly. "Nobody ever gets sick of something they can't have."
My heart twisted in my chest. There was nothing I could say to him, nothing I could promise. He was too smart for that. He was too smart for a lot of things.
"You know, you're right," I said. "Maybe it's all fake. Maybe I don't even know what I feel. Everything could go to shit. So you might as well not even try, right? I mean, why put yourself through all that?"
He gave me a look, but I refused to let it shut me up.
"Maybe it's better not to do anything," I said, sitting up straighter, emboldened by my own words. "Maybe you're right. Just run away. Run away from me, run away from being the Alpha. It's better that way, isn't it? Save everybody from yourself. You're so brave, Cole. What a selfless guy you are."
Jumping to his feet, he leaned over me, snarling. "You don't know what the fuck you're talking about."
His heavy breathing was…distracting, to say the least. Adrenaline was zinging through my veins, and it was only a matter of time before urge started to take over my better judgment. I took a deep breath and tried to focus.
"Exactly," I said. "You know everything. You've got it all figured out."
He slammed his hand down on the arm of the sofa, and I felt the reverberations, but I didn't flinch. "It's so fucking easy to sit where you are, and tell me what you think I should do with my life. Come talk to me after the first time you've felt your body get ripped apart and re-made into something you don't recognize. Something terrible that only knows the smell of blood. Come talk to me the first time you wake up covered in it, and all you can do is pray it didn't come out of a human being. The first time you have to spend all day searching for a mutilated deer carcass in the woods, so you'll know exactly what kind of monster you are - come and tell me how easy it is. Come and tell me I'm a coward for running away. Say it to my face, Heather."
A dull, throbbing ache was starting to spread through my body. I suddenly remembered what he'd said to me:
Every time there's a full moon. Any time we feel we're in danger. And sometimes, just when we're really, really angry…
The fury on his face was slowly melting away, replaced by something worse.
Fear.
He reared up, backed away, not stopping until he was flat against the wall. His pupils dilated.
"Heather," he said, his voice suddenly hoarse. "Get out. Go. You have to leave."
He really thinks he might hurt me.
"No," I said, standing up and taking one step towards him. My whole body was shaking, but I didn't falter. Pure terror seized my heart, and I couldn't tell if it was his, or mine.
It's both. That's your curse.
"You have to." He swallowed hard, his eyes darting wildly around the room. "Please. I can't stop it."
"You can," I said, taking another step closer, though every cell in my body was screaming: run away. Run away and don't look back. "You can, and you will. Adanna told me. You just have to stop being afraid."
He groaned, his head pitching back, his fingers scrabbling at the wall. I felt the stab of pain, too, right in my chest. Like a dagger to the heart. But I only stumbled a little, and I kept walking.
"I know you won't hurt me," I said. "I know you won't let it happen. Even if you change."
Cole licked his lips, staring at me with eyes that were already starting to take on a different shape in some subtle, indescribable way. "I won't know who you are," he whispered.
By now, my face was just inches from his. I took one step closer until our bodies were pressed together, until I could feel every straining muscle as he fought to regain control.
"I won't let you forget," I whispered back, leaning in and capturing his mouth with a kiss.
This time he groaned for a different reason, his arms closing around me and squeezing tight. Almost too tight. Almost. I let my fingers run through his hair, and when my ribs started to ache, I grabbed on tightly by the roots and tugged. His grip loosened.
The transformation had halted for now, or at least slowed. I could feel it in my own body as much as he felt it in his. And even though I wasn't sure this would work, I had to believe that it would. Otherwise, he was right. How could I live with an uncontrollable monster? How could I love someone I had to keep in a cage once a month, and would destroy me if he broke free?
He kissed me back savagely, grabbing my wrists and flipping us around. Pressing his body hard against mine, he caged me against the wall, and I felt another shudder of his transformation going through him. Fear spiked in my chest, but there was no turning back now.
Finally, he pulled away, his chest heaving. There was something wild in his eyes, changing them in some way I couldn't quite describe. As he stood there, his shoulders seemed to broaden, his hands flexing and growing, tendons stretching the skin. He'd let go of my arms, but I still felt rooted to the spot.
He stared at me, and I stared back.
The light of recognition was still in his eyes. I had nothing to be afraid of. At least, not for now.
But something was holding him back, and it wasn't his willpower. I licked my lips, lust tingling in every part of my body, from my fingertips to my toes to the roots of my hair. I laid my hand on Cole's chest, feeling the burning heat radiating off of him.
Any other time, he'd be kissing me breathless, not even giving me a chance to think or hesitate. So what was different now?
He was different. The beast inside was taking control, and there was only one thing that it understood.
Instantly, me knees felt weak. I wished he would just tell me what he wanted, but I wasn't sure he could speak anymore. And he didn't have to say it - I knew.
Every hint of embarrassment melted away as I turned my back to him, walking up to the dining room table until my hips were up against the wood. I heard a soft growl from behind me, sending a shiver of anticipation through me. Leaning forward, I popped the button of my jeans, unzipping them slightly as I presented myself to him.
Cole came on like a hurricane.
With a snarl, he was on top of me, pressing me hard into the unforgiving wood. His fingers felt strange and inhuman as they curled around my waistband, yanking my jeans and panties down in one jerk. I hardly had a chance to take a single breath before he was inside me, his length feeling different too - thicker, longer, throbbing with wordless need.
But I was ready.
He slammed into me over and over, hard and deep, wrenching sobs of pleasure from deep inside my chest. My fingers scrabbled at the smooth wood of the tabletop as he bent me over even further, curling his body over mine, almost protectively. But he never let up his brutal pace.
I couldn't catch my breath, and I wasn't sure I wanted to. The frantic chaos of our mating thrilled me, and even the sharp jab of the wood against my hipbones felt like impossible bliss.
Cole's hands, covering mine on the table, changed a little more. As his fingers lengthened, nails slowly curling and thickening, he clutched down into the wood, and his newly-developed claws left gouges in the finish.
The only sounds he made were pants and growls, somehow even filthier than his usual dirty talk. Every time I breathed, it came out in a moan. Inside, I felt molten, and my inner muscles clenched down on Cole's cock with each movement.
I could feel his hot breaths on the back of my neck. He lowered his face down to nuzzle against it, the beginnings of his fur rasping against my skin, alongside his usual stubble. His teeth scraped against the sensitive spot behind my ear, and I shivered.
Then, they sank in.
&nb
sp; They were just slightly sharper than normal, not quite enough to break the skin, but the delicious ache sent a shiver through me. My head spun. He was claiming me.
I remembered what he'd said in front of the mirror.
You're mine.
Inside, he swelled even more. A deep growl came from the back of his throat, rumbling through his chest and into mine, and with a few more thrusts, he stilled.
For a moment we were both suspended there, unmoving, silent except for our breathing.
He was still growing inside of me, bigger and thicker, and faster, and then I remembered something I had read about wolves, and I was suddenly afraid. But the pressure wasn't painful. It was something else entirely. It was an exquisite sensation of fullness, beyond what I'd ever wanted or imagined wanting.
I groaned, the sensations too intense to bear - but at the same time, I never wanted it to stop. None of it. The lingering sting from his bite, press of his hips against my ass, and the persistent swell of his cock deep inside. I was pulsing, aching, stretched to my limit. Something was building in waves, a pleasure unlike anything I'd experienced before.
And then I exploded.
Later I would remember screaming his name as I was overtaken with bliss, almost terrifying in its intensity, strong enough that I actually thought I might lose consciousness.
Just when I thought I couldn't bear it any longer, the sensations started to ebb. Cole was shaking, his claw-nails digging deeper into the abused wood as he spilled deep inside me. It felt like it went on endlessly, but the swelling inside seemed to have reached its peak. I relaxed slightly, just waiting for it to wane.
For a long time, we just breathed together.
By the time he pulled away, his hands had returned to their usual shape and size. I stood up, unsteadily, holding myself upright on the table, before giving up and plopping down on one of the chairs.
Cole wasn't looking at me.
"That was very stupid."
His tone was utterly flat and emotionless. All the pent-up emotions welled in my throat, but I refused to cry. I just sat there, silent, willing myself to be strong. Without looking up at him, all I could see was his lower half, and his hands that were balled into tight fists.
"I could've killed you," he said, and the self-loathing was so palpable that I couldn't hold back my tears anymore. But I turned my eyes to the table, staring at its glossy surface and trying hard not to remember how it had felt, pressing against my pelvis while he fucked me.
"But you didn't," I managed to whisper, without my voice breaking.
He let out a harsh laugh. "You think that makes it better? Like this is some kind of triumph? Like I'm an alcoholic and I managed to walk past a bar without going inside? Good job. I've managed not to kill someone today. Maybe the next time I feel like I'm about to change into an uncontrollable rage-beast, I should just call my sponsor."
"Adanna said she could help you!" I shouted, suddenly, jumping to my feet and staring him down. He didn't blink. "She said there's no reason for it to be this way. If you really think you could hurt someone, if you really think you're capable of killing me, then what the fuck is wrong with you? Why don't you let her teach you how to control it?"
The sobs were escaping my throat now, and I couldn't stop them. All I could do was try to talk around them.
"Killing me isn't what scares you," I said. "There's something else that scares you more. And I'm not sure I want to know what it is."
For a long time, all I heard was the sound of my own heartbeat.
Then, I heard the sound of his retreating footsteps, and the creak of the door as it swung open. The heavy thunk as it closed.
But I didn't look up, and my eyes swam in tears.
Chapter Eight
Had I really spent the better part of my night trying to convince Cole Jackman not to break it off with me?
I really was playing into my father's hands.
Cole had given me an out - and a damn good one, but I refused to take it. The absolute last thing I needed to do was stay close to him, and keep on stoking his doubts and fears with my very presence.
Sitting at the scarred dining table after a few hours of fitful sleep, I stared at my phone. If I just skipped town and never came back, would Cole ever bother to call and find out what happened to me? Or would he be glad that he could finally stay in his beloved Alki Valley without having to deal with me?
My phone buzzed. I didn't recognize the caller ID, but after I looked at the message, I remembered that my father had asked for my number before he left. And I didn't have the good sense to give him a fake one.
How are things going?
I deleted the message, and shoved my phone in my pocket.
There was only one way to get out of this situation. But I'd be damned if I was going to pull a Cole Jackman. I was going to talk to him first - as much as I just wanted to run away.
My phone buzzed again. This time, I knew the number.
We should talk. Meet at the fountain?
He was practically handing me the opportunity on a silver platter. I couldn't say no.
Yeah, be right there.
I walked slowly, like I was heading to my own funeral. Cole was already there when I approached the clearing.
"Heather," he said, his voice quiet and rough. "Yesterday…I don't know what happened. I'm sorry."
"No, I am." I couldn't look at him. "You were right. It was stupid. You were right about everything."
Cole took a step forward. "Heather - baby - no. I wasn't. I really wasn't." Desperation was starting to creep into his voice. "I've been bitter and I've been afraid. But that's not worth ruining something like…"
Finally, I dragged my eyes up to his face. "Something like what, Cole? Like what we used to have? Did you already forget how much we hurt each other? It was all you could talk about last night."
A part of me still believed it. That we were doomed from the start, cursed to always be drawn to each other, but never able to really love each other. Not the way we should. There would always be anger and resentment and sadness and fear.
He was the best mistake I ever made. But that didn't make him any less of a mistake.
"Sunshine, listen to me," he pleaded, reaching out to touch my shoulder. When I didn't react, he withdrew his hand, biting his lip before speaking again. "It was different. With you there, it's different. I can control it. I didn't feel like I was fading. The whole time, I was awake. I knew who I was. And I knew who you were."
I shook my head, trying to turn away, but he didn't let me.
"Listen," he said. "Listen. I was wrong. I was confused, but I'm not anymore. All these years, I've been telling myself that I left so I wouldn't hurt you anymore. And I almost believed it. But the truth is, I just didn't want to face up to it. I'd already hurt you and I couldn't stand it, so I ran away. It's the most cowardly thing you can do - breaking up with someone, just to try and shrug off the responsibility of breaking their heart. Like it undoes the damage. I've realized that now, day by day, a little more every time I look at you."
He took a deep breath, his eyes fixed on mine. I tried to blink away the tears, but more just kept coming to replace them.
"It doesn't matter anymore," I finally whispered, pulling away.
Tell him. Say it. Say the words.
I don't love you anymore.
But I couldn't. The heartache and confusion on his face was already too much to bear.
"Heather, please," he implored, reaching out for me. I pretended not to see, eyes downcast. "Just - tell me what's really going on. I know there's something you're not telling me, and I don't know why, but…please. I've trusted you with every secret I have. You have to trust me."
"You don't understand." Tears streamed down my face, and I couldn't stop them. "I'm so sorry, Cole. I wanted…I wanted this to work out. But it's not. It's just…it's just not."
"NO!" His voice was louder, somehow wilder, than an ordinary person's. I thought he'd change, right
in that moment - but he just stood there, anger and heartbreak warring on his face. "No, Heather. No. I won't let you do this. You spent all this time, trying to break down my defenses, trying to convince me that we could have something. And now you just want to walk away from it? You're going to leave me like this?"
I really was the scum of the earth. I'd left him raw and defenseless, just like my father wanted. But it had to end here. I couldn't keep doing this.
"Please," I begged, stumbling forward, feeling his own grief collide with mine, make my heart collapse. I lost my balance and fell down heavily on my knees. "Please, Cole, just go back to your people. Your clan needs you, and I can't be a part of that. They love you. They understand you. I'll never be able to get that close."
Something dawned on his face. "Is that what this is about? My clan? Heather, they can't replace you. It's different. But please don't…don't blame them, don't resent them, what's going on between us is something completely separate."
"It's not," I insisted, managing to talk through the sobs that were wracking my body. "I can't…please, Cole. I can't explain any more. Just trust me. I have to leave. You have to forget about me."
"You can't," he said. "I won't let you."
I stared up at him, my hands buried in the dirt, anger roiling with my grief. "You can't stop me."
In another moment he was down on his knees in front of me, grabbing the sides of my face, raising me up for a brutal, punishing kiss. Cold fat raindrops fell on my scalp, and I curled my arms around his neck, clutching, clawing, smearing dirt across his back.
He finally pulled away, gasping, and I could have sworn his eyes were a little red.
"I know I broke your heart," he said, his voice fading into the heavy splatter of the rain. "But you can't keep punishing me forever."
"I'm not punishing you," I insisted, barely stifling a sob. "I'm trying to save you."
He shook his head, desperately. "I don't need to be saved, Heather. I just need you."
Fuck everything.
Becoming His Mate: Douglas Mountain Shifters (Fountain of Love) Page 9