Angel Without

by Rhiannon Ayers

  But still, she couldn’t possibly be wrong about everything. Dominant, submissive, or otherwise, men were still men. And, at the end of the day, all men really cared about was their own satisfaction. No matter how much they might claim to care about their partner, when it came down to it, they were really only interested in securing their own orgasm.

  Maybe Maddox will be different, she consoled herself. Maybe, because he is a true Dom, I’ll be able to enjoy the ride the whole time, instead of losing interest halfway through. And maybe, because it is Maddox and I do want him, I might actually be able to find release, too.

  First time for everything, right?

  And she did want him—her soaking wet panties were proof enough of that. Her nipples were so tight, so sensitive, she wanted to rip her own bra off just to get a little relief. She’d never been this aroused before, ever in her life. That had to mean something, didn’t it? So maybe, even if she couldn’t come, she could still have a good time and enjoy Maddox’s hands on her, his cock in her pussy. Just the thought sent little zings of pleasure through her body. So she steeled herself, preparing for the possessive, aggressive way he was about to kiss her, and tried to remember all the things he’d just told her. About how her choices mattered to him. And about how she mattered to him.

  If only that were true.

  But he surprised her yet again. She was prepared for his tongue to invade her mouth like a conquering army, prepared to find herself manhandled bodily as he got her clothes off as quickly as possible. Prepared for him to skip the whole foreplay thing and go straight to the main event, since that’s what guys were after anyway. She was so prepared for it, in fact, that the moment his lips touched hers, she sucked in a breath and squeezed her eyes shut, body tensing as she anticipated having his hard, strong hands bruising her tender flesh.

  But she was wrong. God in Heaven, was she ever wrong.

  Maddox didn’t plunder. Didn’t take. His big, graceful hands cupped her face and neck so gently, so reverently, she might have been made from spun sugar. He certainly held her as if he expected her to shatter at any moment. He didn’t drag her toward him, didn’t yank her head toward whatever angle he preferred at the moment. He simply held her.

  And he kissed her.

  It began as a gentle brush of lips on lips. Soft. So velvety soft. Closed-mouthed and chaste, with just the barest suction. Amber froze, inside and out, waiting for the aggression to start. But it didn’t. Maddox just kissed her, slowly, reverently, until she finally melted in his arms. She whimpered when he ran his tongue ever-so-slowly along the seam between her lips, opening for him immediately. But he still didn’t invade. His tongue slipped into her mouth as gently as a butterfly landing on a daisy.

  It went on forever. Maddox never hurried, never seemed impatient to get on to the better stuff, the stuff he actually cared about. He made her feel like kissing her slowly, sweetly, was the only thing he wanted in the world. Like he could kiss her forever and never get tired of her.

  When he finally pulled back, gifting her with a dozen more feathery, light kisses that had her panting, she was trembling noticeably. He smoothed both hands through her hair and rested his forehead against hers. “What’s bothering you, angel?” he whispered, his mouth so close to hers she could feel his breath across her lips. “Talk to me.”

  She licked her lips, tasting him there. How did he know? How could he tell? She didn’t know what to think anymore. She’d just been kissed—really kissed—for the first time in her life, and she hadn’t even realized it would be the first. Amber was already spiraling out of control, already so far outside her experience she didn’t know how to handle it, and this was only the very beginning. She buried her face in Maddox’s shoulder, wrapping both arms around his neck as she held on tight.

  Maddox murmured voiceless reassurance as he slid his arms around her waist and pulled her closer. She tensed, wondering if he’d get aggressive after all, but he did nothing but hold her. He was so big, so solid, she should have felt tiny and insignificant in his arms. Instead she felt sheltered, protected, as if he would stand between her and the whole world, if need be. She’d never felt as safe, as cherished, as she did right then.

  “Angel?” Maddox said after a time. “Please talk to me. You can tell me anything. You know that, don’t you? Tell me why you’re trembling.”

  She tightened her hands around his neck, loving the caged strength between her fingers, and asked, “Why do you keep calling me that?”

  “What? Angel?” There was a smile in his voice. Amber pulled away from his chest, looked up into his gorgeous silver eyes to find them full of affection and…something she didn’t even want to contemplate, yet. “Because you are one. You are an angel. My angel.”

  She shuddered, tears squeezing from the corners of her eyes as she looked at him helplessly. He wiped them away with his thumbs, his eyes going darker gray with concern. “Now that’s something I never want to see. You need to tell me what’s wrong. Tell me the truth. Please. Whatever it is, we can work it out. Together. I promise.”

  The truth. Could she risk telling him the truth? What if he took it as a challenge? Or as a way to conquer her? What if he pitied her? Or thought she was lying? What would she do then?

  Maddox ran his thumb along her lower lip, bent his head for another slow, drugging kiss. A breath away from her lips, he whispered, “Please, talk to me.”

  Amber took a deep breath and confessed, “I’ve never been…kissed like that before. No one ever treated me…gently. I was so afraid of you, so scared you would use your strength to overpower me. Even after you told me I had a choice, even after you promised to always honor my choices, I still expected you to…to take advantage. Because I’m so much smaller than you. And because…because you’re a man. And the only men I’ve ever been with have always been after their own pleasure.” She paused, swallowed hard. “Never mine,” she finished breathlessly.

  His fingers tightened against her neck for just an instant, his eyes going quicksilver once again. “Are you telling me what I think you’re telling me, angel?” he said in a low, dangerous voice.

  Amber shivered, but not with fear. Not this time.

  Maddox tipped her chin, forced her to look up at him again. “Are you telling me you’ve never found release with a man? That no man has ever bothered to take care of you? Ever?”

  Slowly, haltingly, she shook her head.

  And waited for the fireworks to begin.

  * * * *

  Maddox trembled uncontrollably. But not with fear. Not with nerves. With rage. A rage so deep, so all-encompassing, he wondered if his heart would explode from sheer emotion overload.

  But he didn’t let it show on his face, didn’t let Amber see just how affected he was by her quiet admission. The only thing he couldn’t control was the trembling of his hands as he carefully, reverently, smoothed her hair from her forehead, gifted her a gentle kiss, and wrapped his arms around her waist. He rested his chin on top of her head, loving the way she fit so perfectly in his arms, and closed his eyes as he held her tight.

  Amber had been abused—and she didn’t even know it. That was what killed him the most. She’d been abused emotionally as well as physically, right from her very first sexual encounter. But because she thought she was learning how to be a submissive, she didn’t question why she was being demeaned, mistreated, hurt on purpose. She thought it was part of the game, that she was getting what she asked for. And because she never questioned it, the abuse had continued, until Brandon finally went too far and woke her up to the reality of her situation.

  But the damage was already done.

  Now, because of that rat bastard, Amber sincerely believed she didn’t have the right to enjoy sex. Sincerely believed she was meant to be abused, that all men would take her and use her and discard her when they were finished. Since she’d never been valued for herself, never been allowed to express her own needs and desires, she honestly thought she didn’t have the right to have t
hem in the first place.

  And here he’d been thinking the rape was what affected her so much. But it wasn’t. God help him, it wasn’t. To Amber, the rape was just another manifestation of her own worthlessness in the eyes of all men. She didn’t have the right to demand respect, or gentleness, or consideration. Everything that happened to her before she was raped was proof enough of that—the rape itself only sealed the deal.

  For a long, long time, Maddox could only hold her. Hold her, and tremble with the force of his pent-up rage. Every fiber of his being wanted to track Brandon down and rip him to shreds, then bring him back to life and torture him to death. And then do it again, and again, and again. Yet he knew that no matter how many times he killed the bastard, it would never, ever make up for what he’d done to Amber.

  Nothing could ever make up for that.

  This changed everything. Absolutely everything. A million thoughts and emotions buzzed under his skin, all clamoring for attention simultaneously. He’d planned a simple seduction, taking her over and bringing her to heights of pleasure she’d never known before. He’d hoped to finesse her, convince her that she’d never experienced a lover as good as him, that she’d never be able to find someone else who would love her as well as he could.

  But he hadn’t expected it to be because she’d never experienced any sort of pleasure before.

  God in heaven, how the hell was he supposed to do this? All it would take was one mistake, a single misstep, to convince her she’d been right all along, that no man would ever care for her or want to bring her pleasure. She was still scared of him, for Christ’s sake. Still couldn’t trust him. If he did one single thing wrong from this point forward, she would shut down, shut him out, and run away as far and as fast as she could.

  Mind spinning, he rubbed his cheek back and forth across her silky soft tresses, simply enjoying having her in his arms. He needed to change his whole game plan, now. Needed to take things much, much slower than he’d originally intended. As she was right now, she would probably agree to sleep with him—and her fear would join them in the bed. He could not, would not, allow that to happen. With a determined mental grimace, Maddox vowed that he would not take her to his bed unless and until she trusted him completely. To do anything less would destroy the very foundations of what he was trying to build with her.

  But how to start things off? He’d asked her to be with him tonight, but that was before he understood just how damaged she was. He couldn’t go through with that plan now, not after learning what he now knew. Yet he needed to get them started down the right path, needed to start laying the bricks that would form their path to healing. Maddox needed a way to take the primary focus off of Amber herself, since her own sexuality was what she feared the most. Somehow, he needed to show her what a true D/s relationship looked like, allow her to witness and experience it, yet not be subjected to it. But how?

  Right at that moment, Sidri’s silky voice whispered in his ear, Recruit Riley.

  Son of a bitch. Sidri had given him the means to accomplish his goal before he even knew what it was. Somehow, she’d known that Maddox would require Riley’s help in healing Amber of her soul wounds. That empathetic telepathy of hers had known, right from the get-go, that Maddox would need to take both of them under his wing in order to heal all three of them. If he played his cards right, then he, Riley, and Amber would become a permanent triad.

  Dream come true.

  Maddox shivered, already envisioning the possibilities. It would be amazing, when and if he managed to pull it off.

  Of course, he couldn’t possibly have chosen two easy-to-love individuals. Oh, no. On the one hand, he had a typical Alpha male who had no idea why he was attracted to another man, who had no idea what it meant to be a sexual submissive. On the other, he had a beautiful, delicate, damaged angel who had suffered without respect, love, and consideration her whole life. Riley, he needed to convince that his feelings were natural, that Maddox could and would take him as a lover without condemnation or reservation. And with Amber, he needed to convince her she was worth loving, that she was meant to live a life of joy and hope, full of love and tenderness.

  Yep. No pressure at all.

  One step at a time, Maddox. You know what you need to do first: take the focus off of Amber so she’ll stop feeling cornered. And that means finally claiming Riley, as you’ve been wanting to do for a whole year. Even better, if you can get Amber in on the seduction, get her to be a part of convincing Riley you want him, she might gain a little confidence in herself.

  Just take it one step at a time. It will work out. It has to work out. Because I’m pretty sure I’m already in love with both of them, as insane as that might sound. One step at a time.

  “Maddox?”

  He ran his palm down her hair, cupping the back of her head as he looked down into those impossibly blue eyes. “Angel?”

  “Are you…upset with me?”

  “Upset? Of course not! Why on earth would you think that?”

  She bit her lip, looking away. “You’re shaking. And you haven’t spoken since…since I said…”

  “Oh, angel,” Maddox said with a tired sigh. He cupped her face, kissed her gently. “I’m not upset with you. I promise. I’m just overwhelmed, okay? I’m honored that you’ve chosen to trust me with your secrets tonight. I’m humbled that you would want to get to know me, despite being afraid of me. And I’m nervous, because I don’t want to fuck this up. I don’t want to betray your trust or cause you one millisecond of pain. And I’m terrified that I’ll do or say something wrong, and I’ll lose my chance to be with the most mesmerizing, awe-inspiring, breathtaking woman I’ve ever met in my life.”

  Her jaw dropped. “You…you think all that? Ab–b–bout me?”

  Maddox nodded, expression solemn. “Yes, I do. You don’t even know how strong you are, do you? You amaze me, Amber. You’ve been through so much. Other people would have been broken by what you’ve gone through. But you’re still this wonderful, sweet, loving young woman who makes me want to shield you from the rest of the world for the rest of my life. I can’t even begin to express how much tonight means to me.”

  Two tears spilled over her cheeks. Maddox leaned down, kissed both of them away tenderly. “I don’t want to mess this up. I don’t ever want you to think I’m just in this for a wild night between the sheets. Nothing could be further from the truth. I will still teach you about the D/s lifestyle if that is your wish, but I won’t do it as your Dom.” He paused significantly.

  “I want to do it as your boyfriend. If you’ll have me. If you’ll let me court you, let me show you what a true D/s relationship looks like, inside and outside the bedroom. I want you, Amber. You. Not just the submissive. All of you.”

  Amber’s mouth worked, but no sound came out at first. After a few tries, she managed to gasp out, “I…I don’t know what to say.”

  He gave her a soft smile, caressed her cheek. “You don’t have to say anything, angel. Not one thing. I’m here for you, now and forever, for as long as you want me to be a part of your life. Your decision. Your choice. Just know I’ll be here for you, no matter what.”

  Amber sat staring at him in utter silence for a long, tense moment. Then she threw her arms around his neck and buried her face in his chest. Maddox wrapped her up as tightly as he dared, noting how she still tensed whenever she felt his strength surrounding her. Christ, she was going to kill him with her fear. He wanted her to feel sheltered by his strength, not frightened by it. He had to convince her that he would never use his size against her, never overpower her in the name of getting what he wanted. She needed to know, to understand down to the marrow of her bones, that everything he did, everything he was, was meant to keep her safe.

  But the only sure way to do that was to let her see how he used his strength on another sub, so she could witness for herself the way Maddox handled one. And that meant he needed Riley, ready, willing, and eager to join both of them in bed.

  Madd
ox suppressed a shiver and glanced out the patio doors—and there, on the far side of the yard, watching them with so much hunger in his eyes Maddox could feel it like a gnawing in his own gut, stood Riley.

  Perfect timing.

  Smiling, Maddox leaned down and whispered next to her ear. “Don’t look, don’t be alarmed. We have an audience. Riley is watching us.”

  She tensed, but otherwise made no move. “Is he…is he mad?”

  Maddox laughed. “Mad? Why on earth would he be mad?”

  Amber looked up at him through her lashes, concern evident in her small frown. “Won’t he be jealous? I mean, if he wants you for himself…”

  “Envious, angel. Not jealous. I have no doubt he wants you, too. Seeing both of us together…well, let’s just say that’s a fantasy come to life for guys like me and him. Right now, he’s thinking about the possibilities, trust me. Wondering if he can bring himself to be with a man as well as a woman.

  “That is, if he truly does want me.” Maddox tried to look pensive, his intent to make her jump to his defense. “I don’t really know how he feels. I certainly want him. But he’s straight, Amber. Straight men do not, as a rule, want other men. I could be projecting my desire onto him, seeing something I want to see instead of what is truly there.”

  “That’s not what you said earlier,” she accused, eyes sparkling. “Why don’t you go after him? What are you waiting for?”

  He caressed her jaw, letting just a little of the lust he was feeling overwhelm his expression. “You think I should? Is that what you want? To see me and Riley together?”

  Amber let out a sexy little groan, her pupils dilating as she licked her lips. “Oh, fuck, yes. Are you kidding me? I’m getting hot just thinking about it.”