Hustle

by Ashley Claudy

  “I trust you, and I'm going to tell you things that I don't typically tell people, but some things are not for me to tell about. They're her secrets.”

  “I understand.” I fold my legs under my hoodie and rest my chin on my knees. “I don't expect you to tell me everything this soon in the relationship.” It eases the guilt in me for keeping my own secrets.

  “I know I'm asking a lot, given how little I've said about that night, but nothing happened more than me holding her till she calmed down.”

  “She was yelling your name?” I don't know why I continue to think on Kyle's words. He’s been manipulating situations to get TJ. This could be the same.

  “She was yelling a lot of things.” He searches my face with his eyes, hesitation in them as he continues, “She tried to do more. She's use to those moments turning out differently, but by the end, she got the point that I wouldn't give in to her this time.”

  “And then Tuesday morning, before class…”

  “I was checking on her. I know she had to have heard that I was with you, those girls always talk. I wanted to make sure she didn't take anything out on you. None of this is your fault.”

  “Okay.” I grab his hand before he can slide it into my hair. Our fingers tangle together and rest on the bed between us. At his narrowed eyes, I continue, “You're here with me now. You chose this relationship with me.” A pleasant warmth spreads through me with the thought. “I believe you.”

  “I wish it could be simple for you, though. Because even though she knows that we're together now, she'll still be around. I'm still connected to her, to her family.”

  “Is she still your future?” I curl my fingers out of his, pulling them into my own fist.

  “What?” He jumps to reach for me again. “No. No, Brook. She's not, neither is her family. Once I pay them back, I can cut ties.” His hands still on my arms, but his grip is firm. “I thought I owed them so much more than money, but I'm realizing that I don't.”

  “Why? What did they do for you?” I reach for him, sliding my hand on his leg to calm the bouncing nerves vibrating his body.

  “Everything.” He says it like it's an undeniable fact. “The camps, my grandmothers nursing home, my scholarships to both high school and college.”

  “High school scholarship?”

  “When my grandmother got too bad to stay home, and she needed around the clock care, they put her up, and I got a scholarship to a private school where I could live and play football the rest of my junior and senior year. It was one of the top schools and recruiters were there all the time. But besides some division two schools, only eastern recruited me with a full ride. That was because of her family, too, they would have never extended the scholarship otherwise.”

  “But you've proved yourself since you've been here. You've earned your scholarship.” I hated the doubt he let show, the vulnerability in the cracks of his usual confidence.

  His jaw flexes as his teeth grinds, giving me chills. “I tried. But they remind me who's responsible all the time. Even my coach. I spent my freshmen year trying to prove myself, but he barely gave me any time. Then last year, after Tallen hurt his shoulder and I became the starting quarterback, no one could accuse me of not being good enough.” That cocky glint brightens his green eyes. “It's a funny thing because I always knew I was good, and others always knew it, too. But there was a part of me that doubted it, and then these people made that worse. But at the same time, when I got to start last year, and we kept winning, I knew then that this dream could be real—that I can go to the NFL. They gave me that.”

  “And they gave you money?”

  “For my grandmother. Her care is expensive, and her retirement isn't much. She didn't have any savings either. My father probably drained her of that, just like he fucked my credit. He'd been taking credit cards out in my name for years before I found out.”

  “Did you report it? Can't they fix that?” So many questions float in my head.

  “I filed a report, and I don't owe any of it. But the damage is done to my credit. Tate's father owns a fucking bank and they couldn't even secure me a real loan.” He shrugs his shoulders, throwing it all off him. “When I get my first contract, I'll be able to pay it all back and my credit won't be an issue anymore.”

  I nod, chewing over everything he's said, weaving through his tie to Tatum's family. “I can see why you say you're connected to them.”

  “But that's just it, lately I've been figuring out more, and I can't deny that they helped, but they've been interfering more than I ever knew. That's why I've been thinking…” He presses his lips together and eyes me as he sits up tall. “I've been thinking about my options.”

  “What options?” I ask him and scoot closer. As he’s been talking, my body’s been relaxing, unfolding from itself. Even if it isn’t light conversation, him opening up is drawing me out, too.

  “I'll tell you what I'm thinking.” His hand slides to my thigh, his fingers nearly wrapping around them as he pulls me closer, draping my legs over his. “But please, baby, I'm trusting you not to tell anyone. I don't want others to know till I have to announce it.”

  My stomach dips with the thought of more secrets to swallow, but this one is different. It's him sharing. It's his trust in me. And I grip his hand and bring it to my lips, brushing against the back of his knuckles. “Secret's safe with me.”

  “Come January, I'm going to announce my intent to go to the draft instead of returning to school for my senior year.”

  “Okay.” I wait for more, but he's only watching me. “Why is that a secret? It sounds like a good thing.” Although it gives us even less time, but that's a selfish thought I won't voice.

  “Because it's a risk. Tatum's family wants me to stay through my senior year. It's what most players do. It gives you a better chance at being a first round draft pick. And if you announce your intent to leave school, you can't come back, even if you’re not drafted onto a team.” He threads his fingers through mine, his thumb brushing the back of my hand. “I was going to follow their advice. I mean, her uncle is one of the top NFL players of all time. But since I've found more success, more people talk to me. And at some of these away games, I’ve found out that other schools did offer scholarships—Tatum's family never told me about it, they hid it from me. And this last away game, I talked to a scout from the Ravens, he questioned me about the draft this year. I already knew from stats that I'd be a good pick, but after finding out how much Mr. Valdez was hiding from me, I started to question why I should follow their advice. But when the coach found out I was talking to the recruiter, he started pulling me back from plays. He controls it all, and if he keeps doing that shit, my numbers can suffer, and I won't be as sought after. So for now, they all think I'm coming back next year.”

  “That's awful.”

  “Everyone's in it for themselves, Brook.” His hand slides to my face, so soft and gentle. “I have to look out for myself, too.”

  “So eight more games?” I take a breath and grip his hand, leaning into the warmth of his touch.

  “You do pay attention?” His laugh is breathy and deep. “That's if we win the first round of playoffs and make it to the final game.”

  “You will.” As long as I don't ruin their team.

  He slides a hand to the back of my head, his other hand pulling my thigh till I'm straddling him, and then his lips claim mine, moving them how he wants. I grip his t-shirt in my hands, the suddenness and heat in his kiss throws me off balance. The intensity clears my mind of everything but him. And I cling to it.

  But when his hand grips my sweater and lifts, I remember everything and pull off of him.

  “Wait.” I'm standing in the middle of the room.

  “What's wrong?” There's only concern in his voice and gaze.

  “If we start this, we'll never get out, and I'm hungry. I haven't eaten all day, and I have lots of homework still to do. I should go to the library to study. Do you ever study?”

&nbs
p; “All right.” He stands up with a curious small smile. “Let's go to the cafeteria, we'll get some dinner. Unless you wanted to go to a restaurant?”

  “No, the caf is good. Let's go.”

  We both leave the heavy conversation behind us, and dinner is light, and fun, and sexy, with his typical inappropriate grabs and comments. He loves my leggings as much as he loves my skirts. And I'm happy his focus is on my legs.

  The constant rain gives me the perfect cover for my sweater. I only hope the bruises will fade soon. The one on my side can be explained by a fall, but the ones on my neck are more difficult.

  After dinner I retreat to the library, and he goes home without pushing for me to stay. A part of me wishes he would push, because I want to tell my secrets, I just need him to force them out. But that's unfair because my secrets will affect his team, and he needs to finish the season strong to be in a good position for the draft.

  * * *

  The constant drizzle cycles to torrents of rain in the night with no end in site. The on and off storm is set to continue through Saturday, and the game for the next day is cancelled due to flooding on the field and streets.

  Jess and Angel walk with me through the mist from the student cafeteria after our late breakfast. They're going on about the potential for a flood party in the dorms. Rose still hasn't returned.

  “She probably won't want to hang out with us in the dorms, when this means her sexy ass boyfriend is going to be freed up tonight and all day tomorrow.” Jess wiggles her shoulders in a strange little dance.

  “Don't do that,” Angel's growl is softened by the laugh that breaks free after, and then she looks towards me. “You could always invite him, too. He made an impact with his thirty second appearance at last weeks party.”

  “Maybe I will.” It sounds better than hanging out at his place or anywhere else with his friends. My stomach clenches and heart dips, realizing how impossible this whole thing is. I can’t avoid them forever, but everyday is one more with him.

  “Do it.” Jess jumps up with a squeal. “Oh and have him bring some of his football buddies. Oh my gosh.” She flaps her hands with excitement. “Yes. This will be awesome.”

  “That must be the team getting out now.” Angel nudges my shoulder. “They probably had to practice in the Field House because of the rain.”

  I look across the quad where there's a group of large guys streaming from the Field House. We have to walk past it to get to the dorms, and my muscles are suddenly tight and hard to move.

  “Probably,” I mumble and drop my gaze the closer we get.

  “You should call him,” Jess chirps. “Aw, maybe you two could meet up now. You could surprise him.”

  I can't do anything, my pulse pounds in my ears, throbbing and painful. I only want to get away without being seen. But the girls on my sides slow their walk as we approach the front of the building.

  “Andrew, hi,” Jess yells out and I freeze, forcing my head up to see if it's really him.

  He jogs down the steps towards us with a large smile in place. He wraps me in a hug, his lips lowering to mine.

  The kiss drains the tension in me, his warmth thawing my muscles. TJ can’t do anything with Drew here.

  “I was just about to call you.” He lifts away, but keeps his hands locked at my back.

  “Well, we’re going back to the dorm.” Angel hooks her thumb in that direction. “We'll talk to you later.”

  Jess jumps when Angel nudges her. “Oh yeah, just about to leave. We've got a party to plan for tonight. We're having a party in our dorms, you should come.” She waves as Angel pulls her away, and she yells over her shoulder, “Invite your friends, too.”

  “Another dorm party?” He lifts his brow with a soft smile, and I nod. “I was hoping you'd come back to my place tonight.” He dips down to kiss me again, but his lips never meet mine.

  “Andrew,” a teary voice pulls him from me. And it's the look in his eyes that confirm who it is. Tatum. “I need to talk to you.”

  But he pulls me closer as he turns towards her. “What's wrong?”

  She doesn't look like her. Her typically glowing skin is ashen, and her eyes are rimmed red and puffy from crying. Her soaked hair and clothes only adds to the sad girl in front of us.

  Her eyes don't leave him, though. She doesn’t acknowledge me. “Can we talk alone?”

  He shakes his head, his fingers gripping me even tighter, keeping me at his side. “Tatum, I've told you, I can't do this anymore.”

  “I'm pregnant,” she blurts out, her entire body moving towards him like a demand, but then she closes her mouth and stands up straight, pulling it all back in.

  We're all frozen in the moment, but Drew's voice breaks through, a wavery whisper. “Who?”

  “You,” she croaks, and the tears start pouring again. “Oh, Drew, it's only ever been you.”

  “You're lying.” He's stiff next to me, and I step back, his hands slipping away easily.

  She covers her mouth and shakes her head, the rain mixing with her tears.

  “I'm going to go.” I back away, unsure if I even spoke. They both only stare at the other.

  But Drew nods his head without breaking his gaze from her, a small gesture that pushes the last inch of the blade into my heart.

  26: Okay

  I make it to my room with no memory of getting there. My thoughts are a cyclone, tearing through everything I knew. The destruction hurts, the confusion a painful ache deep in the marrow of my bones. Nothing makes sense.

  Nothing.

  Not even me.

  Stepping into the shower, I avoid the mirror. I already know I'm painted with bruises inside and out, and for what? For other people’s secrets and lies that I take on myself. So I can hang onto a man who was never mine, that only ever promised me the day, not the future. And now his life is forever linked with another. I want him to be worth it, but now I'm not sure. But that's what hurts the worst, what's tearing my heart apart, the thought that I need to let him go. Not just for me, but for him. For the family he might have.

  I close my eyes on these devastating thoughts, letting the steaming water pour over my head, burning them away. I stay in the heat till my skin is red and numb, till all thoughts stop, and I'm left with emptiness where they once were. A hollow space that has no feeling. And I crawl into bed and close my eyes, embracing the numbness.

  * * *

  “Have you heard from Rose?” Jess asks as she mixes together something from a can and something from a bottle.

  I cover my yawn with my fist, letting go of the edge of the blankets I’m wrapped in on the bed. “Nope.”

  “No, none of that yawning,” Jess orders without even turning around to see me. “You slept most of the day. It's time to get up and play.”

  “You're such a dork,” Angel laughs at Jess's little rhyme. “I texted Ro earlier, she said she’s at TJ's but might come back tonight.”

  “Well, we'll be here.” Jess's dark hair swings as she turns and sticks her tongue out at Angel. She passes out the red plastic cups she's mixed up to each of us. “This should help keep us all awake.”

  “What is it?” I take the cup and smell the contents, definitely vodka.

  “Red bull and vodka,” she chirps and goes back to my table to pick up her own cup. “What about Andrew? Is he coming out, or are you going to leave us and go over there?”

  I cover my flinch with a sip of my drink. I hadn't heard from him yet. Not even a text. It was hard not to pull up my own ideas from his silence. “I'm here for the night.”

  I tilt back the cup again, till the burn from the drink overpowers the burn in my chest.

  “Oh good,” Jess glances out my window and makes little eek noises. “Some of the guys from upstairs are already mud surfing on the hill out back. You up for it?”

  “Maybe after a few more of these.” Angel covers her smile with a sip of her drink.

  * * *

  The rain is hard but warm now that I'm already
soaked. I sit in the middle of the downpour, on the top of a small hill, watching students strip away there inhibitions and cares, along with their clothes. The alcohol might play a role, but it's still fun to watch, and I want in. I want to let it all go, to step outside of myself and not care about anything but fun. This is what I had wanted college to be about. And here I am, with it dangling in my face. So close.

  Angel slides down the slick mud trail belly first, and mid way, Jess launches herself at Angel and grabs her ankles, till they're both rolling down the rest of the hill in shrieking laughter that can be heard over the roar of the rain.

  “That girl's crazy. What is she on?” A boy from our dorm stoops beside me with his hands on his knees.

  “Red Bull and Vodka.” I lift up the water bottle we've filled before coming out in the mess.

  Jess bounds back up the hill towards me like she's got an endless supply of energy. The boy next to me is glued to her bouncing body, every curve seen through the suction of her mud covered t-shirt and spandex shorts.

  “Come on.” She pulls on my hand, lifting me to my feet. “You got try this, it's so much fun.”

  “Get your ass over here.” Angel holds up a boogie board. “I'm going to do it. I'm going to bust my ass surfing down the hill.”

  “Wait, I need my phone.” Jess puts her hands up, signaling for her to stop.

  “The rain will ruin it,” the boy at my side comments.

  “Oh, snap. You're right.” Jess pouts for a split second before pulling on me again. “Oh well, let's go watch. I'll push her down if that balanced bitch doesn't fall first.” She grabs the water bottle from my hand and lifts her face towards the rain to squirt some of the drink in her open mouth. After she shoves it back to me, she takes off after Angel who's run and skids on the boogie board, but her ride is short lived when the board shoots out from under her and she lands in a muddy mess. Jess is there just in time to laugh in her face.

  A couple of guys at the bottom of the hill catch the board and shout their laughter as they jog to the top.