by L. U. Ann
Holy fucking shit! Dammit, there goes my mind again! My heart breaks for her, living with such emotional pain and a man she cannot stand. She's given up her life. That's not living.
So, what she just said is that my father, the man I call Daddy, is the very reason I was abused. I was abused by my uncle, who would have never put one paw on me if it weren't for my father. Oh, holy shit.
He will never be around Evan again. Screw this watching, protecting bullshit. Screw him. My childhood was taken from me and I owe my father thanks for that. I feel like I'm going to throw up. "Mom..." Doctor Crane moves swiftly to grab the tray specifically designed and manufactured for situations like these. Although, I don't think anyone imagined it would be used after getting news like this. I'm starting to hate my father. I hate him for what he has done to my family.
"I'm so sorry, Sweetheart," Mom says, rubbing my back like she did when I was young. She's always been the one to care for Lane and me. Where the hell was my father? Why didn't my mom leave? She was practically a single parent anyway.
"Mom, I still don't understand why you didn't leave. You were the one who always took care of us. We have plenty of family that I'm sure could have helped us. You didn't have to give up everything to protect people from him." I cry as I try to clean my face and shield her from my vomit breath. She grabs my hand, needing to feel our connection to get through this.
“I trusted your father to take care of us, but all that has occurred is a continuous downward spiral to this moment we live in now, sub-existing on social security and the few dollars we make with the store. He has isolated us from both sides of the family. I didn't know what to do. It’s been so unfair to you girls. Your lives were turned upside down. He never showed an interest or attempted to look into an education for a trade of any kind to bring in a decent income. He never cared enough about us to better himself. He closed his eyes to reality, closed his eyes to the fact that there is no future unless he... changed. I guess I was hoping and praying he would change. Change into a better person. I don't know what else I was waiting for. I know it sounds awful. You probably think I'm stupid for believing in someone who doesn't care enough to do so for them self." Mom's tears are spilling, revealing the years of pain she has endured, not knowing where to go, or if there was even a place to go.
I cannot imagine what she has had to sacrifice. How can someone just give her life up like she has? What kind of daughter am I to have been oblivious to all of this?
"I feel completely responsible for what happened to Uncle Tony. If I hadn't rushed to get out of the house, it never would have happened. I know what he did to you was wrong and Uncle Tony knows I will never forgive him. He turned to alcohol and street drugs to cope with his abuse. He never received justice."
Hell, neither did I. This is one seriously dysfunctional family.
"Mrs. Edwards, was the abuse ever reported between your brother and Lacey? I must inform you both that I am legally required to file a report."
Sighing, Mom confirms, "Yes, it was reported and... and..." Mom turns away.
"I'm sorry, Mrs. Edwards, I don't understand." Doctor Crane sounds irritated. "You said it was reported. Were charges filed?"
"No, charges were not filed. Everything spiraled out of control when we found out what my brother did to Lacey. After confronting my brother, I found out he was abused by my husband. I felt responsible and thought my brother had suffered enough. When charges were filed against my husband, I thought that was a perfect chance to get away from him. But then, my daddy dropped the charges. I wish he hadn't. I was young and stupid. Every one of my friends stopped speaking to me. Lacey's father succeeded in isolating us from everyone. Even his parents didn't want anything to do with us. I felt like I couldn't go anywhere.
"A couple of years later, Uncle Tony was driving his motorcycle one night, completely toasted, and hit a car carrying a sixteen year old girl. She is now paralyzed from the waist down because of the accident. He was charged with driving while intoxicated and spent two years in jail. He got out three months early for good behavior. Since then, he has driven intoxicated many more times and finally went to jail for a longer stay after raping a young woman. I'm not excusing his behavior, Sweetie, not by any means. But your father destroyed him. He has been nothing but depressed, angry, and self-destructive since he was abused.”
After our exhausting session, Mom walks out with Doctor Crane, giving me time to get myself together for physical therapy. Unfortunately, she will be back tomorrow to unravel more knots in the fabric of our so-called life.
Mom walks back in. "Sweetheart, I'm so sorry. This is all messed up. I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough to leave your father. And now, I don't know."
"Mom, please, don't apologize. If I've learned anything from Caine, you do things you normally wouldn't when you're not in your right mind. I should have never stayed with Caine as long as I did. I put my child in jeopardy, too. I don't know how to make this better, but Lane and I are older now and can help take care of you. You can't go back, Mom!"
"We will figure something out, okay? You need to get some rest. I love you so much, Baby. I will do anything in the world for you, Lane, and Evan. You three are my world."
Mom left me in a drunken state of confusion. If only this moment could send me over the edge of intoxication and drown me enough to erase the raw lies and circumstances of what Mom has had to endure and what lies ahead for her, for us.
A knock on the door is followed by Alicia poking her head in to ask if she can come in. Her petite form whirls through the door just as she has in previous days, like a dust storm on the plains of the Midwest.
She is unlike Teri, my pulmonary rehab specialist. Teri is calm and stealthy with her movements during her visits. Everything is precise and orchestrated without flaws. Alicia is the absolute and complete opposite. When Alicia arrives, does her job, and leaves, it always reminds me of a rushed worker, running by a desk piled high with papers, causing them to fly off in every direction. Don't get me wrong. She’s great and very nice. Well, when she doesn't push me too much. If she's pushy today, Alicia's going to find herself with a nickname like 'Dirty Mindy'.
I should start brainstorming ideas. Alicia... hmm...
"Lacey, Earth to Lacey..." Alicia pulls me from my wayward thoughts. "I think it's high time we get you walking around."
"What..." I begin to say.
Waving me off, she continues about her business. "Don't be overly dramatic, dear. You can walk around. We just need to get you up, and then this little thing here is going to help you strengthen your muscles." Alicia presents a contraption that looks an awful lot like a granny walker. "Oh, Lacey, this is Jeff, and he's going to help me get you moving. Okay, chica?"
A large, no, make that a huge freaking muscle man walks further into my room, the lucky bastard, and proceeds to help me to my feet.
"Hellooooooo," Becca sings, not bothering to knock as she enters, and Smurfette Mindy is hot on her heels. "Yay, I get the pleasure of seeing you vertical again." Becca smiles, eyeing the gigantic man next to Alicia.
"Come on, we don't have all day. You heard her. She wants to see you vertical. Let's do this."
OH. MY! Can someone put a leash on her? Maybe slip her a sleeping pill or something? Holy shit. Give me a minute, Alicia and her little militia. Rehab wasn't supposed to start until Monday. Oh no, no, no! Please God. She is not wrapping a purse around me to hold my fucking urine. Can this day get any more embarrassing? Crap, what the hell is going on with my mind?
When the doctor said he was sending me to rehab, he meant pulmonary rehab and he wasn't joking. I, the lucky victim, I mean patient, am poked, prodded and examined, and am scheduled to be pushed past the brink beginning next Monday... NOT today!
Becca is looking at the stupid tube that comes out of my you know what and starts cracking up. Oh no, she isn't.
"What's funny, Becca?" Smurfette asks. Her eyes follow Becca's, and she begins to laugh again.
"You
two can leave NOW!" I say through clenched teeth at the two laughing bitches.
"Feeling something a little warm?" Becca snickers while I narrow my eyes at her giggling form.
"Becca, I'm going to kick your ass. Just you wait until I'm walking on my own. I might leave you all a fun mess to clean up." Just as I finish, he walks into the room. Really? What have I done to deserve such humiliation?
"Aw, hi... Devon!" Becca says a little too enthusiastically.
"Hi..." He's looking at all of us wondering if he should ask questions.
Save it, buddy.
Giving Devon a pointed look, I say, "Don't!" and then look around to the two women who are going to be kicked out if they don't stop snickering.
"Becca, stop being mean to the poor girl," Mindy chastises.
Becca places a hand on her chest, acting as though she is hurt. "What? I'm just having a little fun here." Becca winks. Bitch! "I mean, to fill up a bag that fast..." She covers her mouth, snickering, her head pointed at the floor as she walks away from me. Mindy pushes her from the room.
"Becca!" I yell. "You don't have to come back."
"Have fun, Love." She chuckles from around the corner. Shit! Right in front of Devon, as well. Mother of all that is holy!
Alicia and her pet get me on my feet and moving around. Devon stays for a little while, until he has to get busy with his rounds. I feel his eyes on me constantly. At one point, he even joins in, getting me to move once I think I have used all of my energy. His presence makes me want to push myself harder. It is a relief to be standing, but quickly tiring. Once Devon leaves, I ask Alicia to lean me against the window. I need a little taste of the outside, even if it's only through a windowpane.
My eyes look out on Baltimore, observing the beautiful view of the littered alley and bringing me a feeling of warmth and coziness. I just might die a happy person. I guess I haven’t been missing much after all. So not what I wanted to see.
Oh, no! Wait, my heart breaks. There is a man I'm presuming to be homeless digging through the dumpster in search of his next meal. It sucks that people have to live like that. It hurts my heart to know that it’s a reality for so many. I wonder if Devon will do me a favor and send something out for him. I need to remember to come back with a meal as many times as I can once I leave this disgusting, putrid, yellow room. Hell, the dumpster’s probably prettier. Forget I said that. I don’t think it’s fair to the less fortunate. I have a roof over my head, clean clothes – I look down, I mean clean gown – and food.
A few hours later, Devon returns with a wicked grin on his face and all my insides turn to mush. Holy cow, how can this be? Since he has a game tomorrow, he’s off tonight, and he’s asked to spend it with me. Me! How could I say no?
"So, can you tell me more about lacrosse?"
"Sure, the basic rules are...” He’s speaking animatedly, piquing my interest. I want to know so much about him.
"The positions I play are middie and face-off."
"Uhm... I have no clue what that means," I say, and a smile lights up his face. Holy cow, I think I might do whatever it takes to see that smile. He is so handsome and... Lacey!
Devon's enthusiasm is contagious and it sucks me in. I want to know everything about him, lacrosse and all. His blue eyes sparkle while he describes that face-off is how the game starts, and there is one following each time a team scores.
"It's intense, but my favorite part of the game. I've been ranked the team’s number two," he says, blushing. It's clear he isn't bragging, just very proud of his accomplishments. "I play for fun, and once the fun is gone, I'll no longer want to play." His stunning smile wakes my body from its long hibernation.
Devon's subservient attitude is refreshing compared to the arrogant jackass’s. Damn, I need to watch my language. "Tomorrow, we're playing at home and it will be on TV. Do you think you might be able to stomach watching between your therapy sessions?”
"Of course,” I agree a little too cheerfully. This only rewards me with another mouthwatering grin.
We have a great time talking about silly stuff the rest of the evening. When he’s getting ready to leave, he stands restlessly.
“Can I stop by after my game?” he asks, hopeful.
“Please.” I reply, breathless. Leaning over, he kisses my cheek, the impression of his lips permanently seared into my flesh. My body ignites into a ball of amber fluid. Devon pulls back, smiles, and says he'll see me tomorrow.
Waking from my dazed state, I yell good luck before he turns the corner. I get the pleasure of another heart-warming smile, and cannot wait to see him play tomorrow. What. Just. Happened?
With a smile on my face, I snuggle in and call Mom to see if I can have her put the phone up to Evan's ear. I need to tell him how much I love him and can't wait to see him. Even if he doesn't understand, I do.
Chapter Four and a Half
"Lacey, hurry and make the call."
Reaching over the fallen body, I grab the phone off the wall and dial the number.
"Nine-one-one, what's your emergency?" the operator says, answering the call.
"I need... I need..." I can barely breathe. "I need an ambulance, please."
"What is the address of your location?" the operator asks, emotionless. How the hell can someone act as if he doesn’t have a care in the world when my daddy's on the kitchen floor, unresponsive?
"Um... you don't know it? It's um... the kitchen... um..." I'm sobbing so hard by now that Lane yanks the phone out of my hands.
"Hi, yes the address is…" Lane spouts the address and all of the other information as well. When she hangs up, she engulfs me in a hug. "It's going to be okay. Don't worry, Lacey. He will be okay. Believe me, okay?" I trust Lane and what she tells me. She is perfect and knows everything, and always steps up to the plate when needed. "Can you go open the front door while I check on Mom?"
I give her a nervous yes.
I hear Mom screaming in the kitchen, probably wrapped in Lane's arms right now. What happened? Moments later, sirens are overwhelming my senses and a mass of men and women work on my father. One of the paramedics calls in for a Medevac and my brain shuts down. If I don't think about it, I won't remember. I don't ever want to remember tonight.
I am a new woman now. I have all the crap out of and off of my body. Thank Heavens. It was going to suffocate me. I'm more mobile, too. It's been a lot of work, and after the first couple of days, I wasn't sure if I would ever stop being sore, but sure enough, I'm getting there and that makes me work even harder. It might also have something to do with the little munchkin who should be coming through that doorway at any moment.
I still haven't seen him yet. I've had to go through a bunch of tests and extensive therapy sessions. The therapists have promised that Evan can come today, and they will leave me alone, but tomorrow we're buckling down. Yeah, that's got me a little uneasy.
“Hello, happy girl,” Devon says, walking in. “I know you are probably driving yourself crazy waiting for Evan to come through those doors, so I figured I’d come entertain you.” He flashes that dashingly handsome grin. He has stopped by every day. Not just for a few minutes either. He has stuck around keeping me company, even joining in with some of the therapists to help me. I hate that it’s taken this for him to come back into my life, but I’m so happy he’s here. I hope he will continue to visit me once I go home.
He’s brought UNO to help occupy my mind. I’ve quickly learned he doesn’t like to lose. It must be why he’s such a great lacrosse player. Our games are intense, and he pulls out the rules every now and then to make sure I’m not cheating. It’s fun banter with a couple of extended gazes here and there. One made my heart rate accelerate, and my breath got caught in my throat. He’s working his way into my heart and I’m a little nervous about it.
Mom walks in with the biggest gift ever!
I squeal. "You are more handsome than I imagined. Mommy missed you so mush, Sweet Pea. Mom?" I glance up and see the bewildered expression on he
r face. I smile, trying to figure out if everything is all right. I'm sure it's a little uncomfortable for Devon to be here, meeting Evan for the first time. "Can you help lay him on my chest?"
"Are you sure that's the smartest thing? You're still pretty sore."
I nod excitedly. I need to hold him and feel that connection only a mother and her child can feel. Lying back on the bed, Mom nervously slides Evan down onto me. And wouldn't you know, my little man would choose that moment to get excited, drawing his knees up and kicking them out, reminding me how sore I really am.
Devon shoots out of his seat. "Lacey, this isn't a good idea, please."
I shake my head. "No, I need this and he does too. I used to rock him every day. He needs to experience this. We've been without each other too long."
Devon doesn't argue, most likely thinking the same way about our separation. My attention turns solely to the gorgeous, deep blue eyes, kissable cheeks, and tight little fists. I feel the moisture on my face and wipe my eyes. I rain kisses all over his face, hands, and neck. I’ve missed him so much that it’s been tortuous. I don't know how families with long distance relationships do it. There is no way that I could. My whole world is right here and I don't ever want to leave it.
"I love you so much Evan."
He takes his little fist and stuffs it in his face and I laugh. It's the funniest thing, ever. He begins to babble something important, increasing his nasal breathing. He's absolutely perfect. I continue to kiss his cheeks and the slobbery hand whenever he takes it out. I look over at Mom and Devon. "I guess he remembers me." Smiling, I return my attention to Evan.
Evan remembers me, and that will make me work harder to get out of here. He is everything I need to heal. His smiles are like the muscle relaxers and anti-inflammatories they give me. He's all the pain reliever I need. Now that I have him in my arms, it's going to be impossible for me to let go.