Destructive Choices

by L. U. Ann

  Our kiss resumes and his hand pulls my hip closer where I'm mindful of his excitement. But he doesn't take it any further.

  "Shit Lacey," he says, out of breath. His hand runs along my bottom. "You are something else." He kisses me again rubbing my bottom more bringing it closer to him.

  The feeling is intoxicating. I'm drunk on Devon. He's like a drug and I'm freaking addicted. I want to tell him to take me right here, but I need to wait. I need to love him, or at least understand if I do or don't. Hell, I don't know what the hell is what right now. Who freaking cares? He feels so nice and I want to enjoy this moment. So much love and trust to give. He's everything I want and need. But am I everything he wants and needs? Will I be able to hold up to his standards? Can my heart allow him to hold it and love me? Do I honestly have nothing to give him? The answers are yes, yes, and no.

  I do love him. I have loved him since the night I met him and that's why I have never gotten over him. I loved him the first time I saw him in the hospital. I loved him each and every time he visited, each time he stayed past visiting hours to tell me about lacrosse, about school.

  But he never said anything about his family. I should have asked. I can't let him go.

  "Dev-" I try to say more but his kiss intensifies. My thoughts are screaming. "Devon!" I pull back. "Devon, I need to tell you something."

  "No, Lacey, not now." He tries to kiss me again.

  "Yes, now.” I push on his chest. “I can't go another minute without." He wipes the falling tears that I didn't know were there. "I have to tell you something that I didn't realize until now."

  He stops arguing with me and reverently searches my eyes, waiting.

  "I love you, Devon. I'm sorry I didn't say it before. Honestly, I didn't realize it until just now." I turn my head down to concentrate, although I feel really silly right now. "It's not because of what we are doing. I can't have you thinking that." I shake my head. "I need you to know it's everything about you. I think it was love at first sight in the club. You were so kind and respectful of my boundaries–you didn't push me. I thought so much about you afterwards with regret building stronger each time you entered my thoughts and longing to know what would have happened if I had showed up. Seeing you in the hospital scared me. I was worried you would hate me for standing you up, and then you asked about Evan, stealing more of my heart. Each time I saw you, I fell more in love with you, Devon. I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner. I'm so sorry. But I do love you, and while I don't know how much I have to give you, I'm willing, no, I want to try."

  His lips immediately seal mine.

  "You don't know how happy you made me, Sugar Pants," he says as we come up for air.

  I chuckle.

  "I'm going to make you so fucking happy that you will never want to leave me." He smiles and our lips find each other again.

  By the time Frank buzzes in to tell us we are about five minutes from the lawyer’s office, my lips are swollen. Oh, doesn't this look lovely. Lacey, stop acting like a tramp!

  Chapter Seven and a Half

  Another visit. I can’t leave Mom at the hospital without visitors. I need to bring her gifts.

  I step off the elevator to a set of locked doors, ring the bell on the wall, and the door clicks, allowing me inside. Once I’ve passed through, I am faced with another locked set of glass doors and windows where I wait. The front desk can see everything I have on me, and in my arms. One of the nurses finally begins to approach the door opening when she has the time to examine the contents in the bag I’m dropping off.

  Mom notices me right away, and waits patiently. She knew I was coming by this evening. How could I not? Just because I’m sixteen years old doesn’t mean I’m too young to handle this situation. Lane and I have done this a handful of times already. It probably won’t be the last.

  Walking through the second set of doors, I hand my bag to the nurse and hug my mom. I miss her. She walks me around the floor to show me how she spends her days. It makes me nervous. Our last stop is her room. It’s clean with very little furniture: a bed, a desk, and chair. She has a window, but it’s glazed so that others cannot see in. It’s so confining.

  I sit on her bed, and looking around, I ask how she feels and if she knows when she’ll be home. A man walks in and introduces himself. Mom says hi, and when she turns her back, the guy opens his robe, revealing his junk. Oh my, he did not just flash me!

  Oh dear Lord, can I grab my mom and leave? Has her forty-eight hour mandatory watch ended? She cannot stay here!!!

  I've always been silent, not wanting to face the helpless child fighting for freedom. Freedom from herself. Praying to forget, sweeping my emotions under the rug, waiting for them to disappear one day. That day never came, of course. As much as I want to pretend the things in my past haven't happened, I need to face everything to find true happiness. The happiness I might have with Devon. Oh my God, I love Devon! I smile at the sound of it in my head. I'm going to keep my baby and I love Devon. Can this day possibly get any better?

  The attorney is very nice and positive about me being able to have sole custody of Evan because of Caine's deployments, but he will have a number of visitations throughout the year, some being holidays. That part doesn't sit comfortably with me, but if it means I can keep him safe, then I will grin and bear it for Evan.

  By the end of the day tomorrow, Caine should be served separation papers. The lawyer claims these things take time, but Devon doesn't want to hear a word of it. After Devon explains the situation further, the attorney agrees that this needs to be done as soon as possible. Devon is paying extra to have the papers served tomorrow, or there will be a punishment for the courier. I have no idea what this means.

  I don't want Devon mixed up in all of this, least of all paying for the legal fees. He claims his dad has more money than he knows what to do with, and can easily pay for this. Still, I'm a little uneasy about the whole thing, but I'm happy nonetheless and don't want to argue when Devon is doing everything he can to keep Evan safe.

  I may need to come up with a nickname for Devon or just continue using Sweet Pea as Evan's nickname. I didn't realize how much their names sound alike. I wonder if that was a subconscious thought when naming the cutest little boy on earth.

  Devon has me sitting on his lap once again in the car on our way to eat. He tells me that he needs to feel my heartbeat to know I'm truly here with him. With my eyes closed, I take in the rise and fall of his chest, breathe in his scent, and am comforted by his arms. I bring my fingers to my lips and smile. Devon. Oh my God, I cannot believe he loves me. That is just crazy. I know we’ve gotten pretty close the last month and he’s weaseled his way into my heart, my mind, my soul. Wow. It's some freaking crazy stuff. Crazy good stuff.

  “Earth to Lacey?” His breath tickles my cheek just before his lips touch my forehead.

  “Yes?” I breathlessly reply, pulling back as we study each other, and I am entranced in his liquid blues.

  “Hello again." He smiles. "Where did you go?” he asks, planting sweet kisses beginning along my face and moving deliciously slow to find my mouth.

  We kiss for a few minutes, leaving us both breathless, when my stomach tells us both it's hungry. Devon and I both start laughing.

  “Are you hungry?”

  I’m still giggling when somehow I confirm what my stomach desires.

  "We should be at the restaurant soon."

  "Where are we going?" I ask, but he refuses to answer.

  Moments later, Frank pulls the car along the curb in front of a restaurant named Sotto Sopra.

  "It's Italian, ranked in the top ten Italian Restaurants in the Maryland, DC, and Delaware area," Devon divulges when I turn to look at him.

  My eyes grow. Oh, wow! He's bringing me to this kind of restaurant? Holy crap, am I even dressed for this? Thank Heavens I decided to wear a sundress and sweater.

  "Stop fidgeting, Lacey. You look absolutely beautiful. Come on, there's more. I'll tell you once we're inside," he s
ays with a laugh.

  Devon helps me into the restaurant where the host leads us past a number of waiting patrons to a private booth towards the rear. Well, holy shit! What exactly is going on? Situating ourselves in the secluded booth, Devon runs the back of his hand along my cheek, and down my neck to flip my hair over my shoulder. I'm sure it's for easy access.

  Our waiter immediately brings water and wine. Devon holds up his hand so that he won't serve the wine to me. I don't know why, but that warms my heart. He’s my fierce protector, not only because I'm under age, but also because I'm still on a number of medications. How did I not realize I love him? Just the thought sends chills down my spine.

  "Does anything look good?" Devon asks, looking at the menu.

  I'm in awe over the reality that this guy wants to be mine and I cannot pull my eyes away from him.

  "Lacey?" he asks, returning his eyes to mine.

  Mine are full and ready to spill over in happiness for the man in front of me. He's awesome, selfless. Does he really want me, all of me? I'm obviously damaged goods. I can't be that lucky.

  "Sugar Pants, what is it?" he asks, moving closer, bringing his hand up to caress my cheek.

  I shake my head, unable to talk.

  "Sweetheart, are you okay?"

  I nod.

  "More than okay." I let out somehow, just before his lips land on mine.

  The atmosphere is elegant. Gorgeous murals line the walls; candlelight and soft lighting are abundant throughout the restaurant. It's surreal, beautiful, and magical, just like Devon. I'm overcome by emotions and don't know how to respond. My head tilts to the edge of his shoulder blade. I don't feel as though I'm worthy of such love. Keeping my eyes closed, I will the tears away, but they don't respond to my request, and instead multiply. This man is someone you read about in a love story, just not mine.

  "Baby, look at me."

  I shake my head, not wanting to expose my vulnerability or hint at my feelings of unworthiness. My heart flutters and begs for his entrance. I'm scared out of my mind. What do I do now? What if I get hurt again, or worse, he hurts Evan? I don't think my heart could take it, especially from him. He's given me a taste of everything I want and need, but how can this be true?

  Putting his finger under my chin, just as he's done in the past, he lifts my face to meet his. It's almost painful to stare into his loving eyes. The song over the sound system changes to “Beneath Your Beautiful” by Labrinth feat. Emeli Sande, and I can't help but shudder with more cries when I think of how much time we've lost. We've lost a lot this year. I cannot imagine where we would be if... If being the word of the day. We're here now. I should be happy, but for some reason I'm sad. I don't know why though. I guess maybe from missing him, and what could be.

  "Lacey." His lips graze mine, tears and all. "I love you, Sweetheart. Please don't cry, Darling. I told you already once, you will not hurt or want or need for anything as long as I'm around, and I meant every word. I also meant it when I told you I will make you so fucking happy you won't want to leave me." He kisses me and I melt, oh how I melt, in a puddle, thinking I'm living a dream.

  Coming up for air, I shake my head no. I can't help but be overwhelmed at this moment.

  "I love you, too," I cry.

  His lips take mine again. I surrender all thoughts for him, and there is no hesitation, no doubt. Only promise and I plan on keeping my promise.

  Devon places his hand on the small of my back to close the distance. “How’s your pain, Baby? I have your medicine and can text the doctor if needed tonight.”

  I slowly blow out a breath, not wanting to think about it.

  “Um… I guess I’m okay. Just a little sore.”

  Devon smiles while the waiter brings freshly baked rolls. We place our orders and effortlessly fill the silence with conversation about his family, school, and Evan. His complete admiration for Evan is unbelievably apparent. Our delicious order comes out and the smell is divine.

  First bite and I'm swept away. The Ravioli Dell 'Amore is something I highly recommend. Mmm, the spinach is cooked to perfection as well as the ravioli with a fresh, unique tomato sauce. Omgosh, I think I'm in Heaven. Wow!

  "Good?" Devon asks while I'm lost in my own bliss.

  "Yes! It's amazing." I shy away as I revert to the universe we’re in, wondering what the look on my face conveys.

  "Lacey," Devon whispers in my ear. "You need to get that look off your face or I won't be able to control myself. You don't see how hard I have to fight the urge to lift you over the table and show you how much I love you. One day, Lacey. One day soon, I'm going to swear and prove my love for you. You will be ruined for anyone else. You'll want no one but me."

  I shake my head.

  "I don't want anyone else, Devon. I know you love me. I can feel its depth; it's that strong. I wish I could freeze time. I don't ever want to lose these moments with you."

  "That's good, because I don't have any plans to go anywhere." He kisses my cheek and sits back.

  Dammit, now I'm freaking worked up.

  We return home and Devon follows me inside. Something is off. I believe there is a little advance recognition between Devon, my mom, and perhaps Grandma Pain. They're so happy to see him walk in. I also won't mention the fact that I notice Frank driving away. Hmm...

  "Come sit, Devon," my mom gushes as Cinnamon prances around waiting for his greeting. "I'll make a round of Sleepy Time," she says, walking into the kitchen.

  "Um... I'll be just a second." He walks away, and I think he's going to use the restroom.

  Oh no, no, no, he doesn't. I follow, knowing exactly where he's going. He's doesn't get to say goodnight without me. What the hell am I, chopped liver?

  "Devon?" I whisper, finding him perched over the side of Evan's crib. Oh holy shit. There went more of my heart! "What are you doing?" I ask, praying he won't give me what I want to hear because it's too good to be true.

  "I wanted to say goodnight, hoping he wasn't asleep yet," he whispers.

  Well, there it goes... goodbye heart. Devon owns it now.

  "I'm sorry you missed saying goodnight," I say, watching his reaction and gaze on the love of my life, my Evan.

  He doesn't wince at my words or anything. He really wanted to say goodnight to him. Holy freaking cow!

  "Devon, one or two sugars?" Mom asks as we come back to the family room, preparing his tea. "I'm sorry I forgot how many you like." Excuse me?

  "Two, please," he says before he proceeds to ask Mom how her neck and migraines have been doing. I blatantly stare at my blue-eyed wonder. Does he have one mean or selfish bone in his body? "I know I can't do anything, but maybe send a message to one of the docs, but I will certainly do just that."

  "That's sweet of you, Devon. Thank you. I'm praying the acupuncture will do the trick," Mom finishes. Oh my. He is wrapped around her finger, too!

  Devon smiles half-heartedly. I believe he knows exactly what he's talking about. He's going into pain management, which is one of the reasons why he was on the ICU floor where he found me.

  "How was dinner, Sweet Child?" Grandma Pain interrupts my lustful thoughts. "I hear that restaurant is amazing. Did you know they have an opera night every Sunday? Oh, what I would give to go."

  "It's a date," Devon says a little too quickly, turning to me. "It seems maybe we all are going back in a few days." He smiles, and in that moment, I fall further.

  Mom squeals, excited to get out of the house and to a nice restaurant.

  "Are you sure, Devon?" Mom asks to make sure he wasn't trying to be polite.

  "Yes, Ma'am. I've never been able to make it to one of their Sunday Opera nights. I imagine it will be great."

  Leaning over, I ask, "Do you like Opera?"

  He shrugs. "I've seen so many. My parents dragged my brother and me every chance they could. It's interesting."

  I nod, unable to add anything constructive since I've never seen a performance.

  "I think my favorite was An Enchante
d Christmas. My parents took us with Frank, and his wife, Alice, to a few performances many years ago at The Kennedy Center. I'll have to look into taking you sometime in December." Raising his eyebrows, he says, "You'll love it."

  I smile at his enthusiasm and wonder what the holidays will be like with him. My heart flutters with anticipation.

  "This is going to be Evan's first Christmas. I'm so excited!" I say and then begin to fiddle nervously with my hands.

  Reaching over to stop my hand wringing, Devon leans in to whisper, "It will be okay, Sugar Pants. I'll see what I can do to get you this Christmas with Evan."

  I jerk up, wondering how he knew that was what I was thinking. How can he read my thoughts? Blinking back a tear or two, I smile and nod. I don't doubt his ability to make that happen.

  Mom and Grandma Pain ask Devon a bunch of questions about his internship and school. I didn't realize how much of a commitment it is to play lacrosse. He takes two months off during the summer, but helps run camps for young players during the break. How selfish am I for wanting to monopolize his time? He's been nothing but sweet and giving to me. Maybe it's because it's all new and I just came to terms with my love for this wonderful man.

  "Mom, have you heard from Lane?" I ask, hoping to hear Blake popped the question. They're away in Williamsburg, VA, and Blake asked Mom if he could ask Lane to marry him. He has no respect whatsoever for my father. I cannot wait to hear all about it.

  "Not yet, Sweetie." Mom smiles.

  "And if Lane dare says no, I'm taking him," Grandma Pain chimes in, making us all laugh.