Destructive Choices

by L. U. Ann

  Lane and our father walk out of the room to talk. I take the opportunity to visit my mom. I see a nurse moving wires that are connected from the wall to my mom. She smiles at me, and introduces herself as Diane, my mother's nurse for the evening. She tells me she will be out of my way in a minute so that I can visit alone with my mom. She stresses that I cannot stay long, and only one visitor at a time is allowed. A few moments later, the nurse leaves. Turning towards Mom, it's hard for me to see her like this.

  I don’t know what to do, so I tell her I love her, and that I am so sorry for everything. I promise her that I will bring Evan to visit her as soon as she wakes up. God, I need her to wake up. Evan needs her. I need her.

  "Please, Mom, please be strong, and come back to us. Please, Mom, I love you. I love you so much." I give her kisses. I'm afraid to touch her. Oh my God. This is not my mom. She doesn’t look real. How can someone be so distended? Her physical state reminds me of Jabba the Hutt from Star Wars. And this is not funny. She is so bloated. Unfortunately, that is the only thing I can think of to describe her. I can't get past it. It's what I see. I give her another kiss, tell her how much I love her, and how much Evan loves her and needs her. I reluctantly leave to allow someone else to visit.

  When I walk back into the waiting room, my father, Lane, and Blake have sullen looks on their faces. I question them. They look at each other as if asking permission to tell me what’s on their minds.

  “What is it?” I ask.

  Lane hesitantly speaks first.

  “When Blake and I were at the house and found the list of medicine Mom took, we also found a letter.”

  My heart stops.

  She continues, “I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to read it.”

  “It’s my fault, isn’t it?” I say louder than I intend, getting looks from other patient’s family members.

  My father and Lane jump in together to tell me, “NO!"

  Lane continues, "It’s not your fault. Mom wasn’t in her right mind. She was depressed and wasn’t thinking clearly.”

  “Where is the letter?” I ask, looking back and forth between them.

  “Lacey, please. I don’t think it’s a good idea. How about you wait until tomorrow or the next day?” Lane pleads.

  “NO! Where is the letter?” I demand.

  Lane reluctantly hands me a green steno pad. I take it. Lifting the cover, I take a deep breath. I already know what’s in here. I don’t need it to be in ink to tell me it’s my fault. I begin reading.

  My dearest Patrick,

  Know this forever. I will always love you and I will always be with you.

  You know better than anyone in this family just how bad I’ve become. Every day, I pretend to live. But there is no life, nothing! No matter how much you try to snap me out of this hell, do for me, buy for me, nothing works! It’s not your fault!

  I am mentally ill. Not one doctor yet has been able to give me my life back. Sometimes I wonder if I ever did live, inside that is. My brain tells me I love my family but the remainder of me, body and SOUL, is black and empty. This illness is no one’s fault, however, if only Lane and Blake would visit me. Take the time for me/us the way they do for Blake’s parents, it would help. I know this for sure, because when they did spend time with me/us it helped.

  Where Lacey is concerned, she could have helped the most if only she hadn’t taken Evan out of my life. YES! She has taken him out of my/our life. I honestly don’t understand other than I wasn’t a good mother where she is concerned, even though I have given her everything she ever wanted! I love her, although she thinks different, but she gave me grief where Lane NEVER ever caused me such heartache when she was growing up. It’s not my fault Lane respects me as a mother and Lacey doesn't. I know now that I should have done many things different with Lacey, but I’m human! Instead, I should have done more for Lane.

  Where Evan is concerned, I think I’m the greatest grandmother a child could have, but Lacey refuses to let Evan and I love one another as other good grandmothers do. If the day ever comes when she realizes how she shut me out of his life (and hers), I know her regrets will be a heavy burden on her shoulders. She will live with it the rest of her life and every moment she looks into Evan’s eyes she will be reminded of what she took away from him – MY LOVE! God, how I love him! She has ripped him from my heart, leaving only an outline of what once was a heart. It’s only going to get worse! I look at my Day-Timer. It’s been fourteen weeks since I’ve/we’ve seen him. She is making the time longer and longer between my/our seeing him.

  If someone had told me that Lacey would become the daughter she is, I never would have believed them (nor would you). God help her, she will need it. I don’t think, no! She never was a daughter, just someone put here for me/us to raise and end of story. I’m not sure if she knows how to love anyone. If she loved Evan, she wouldn’t keep him away from a grandmother such as I! Lane wouldn’t do this to me.

  You have been a good husband. Yes, we’ve had our ups and downs, but you have always been there for me in your own way, and once you understood more about my mental illness, you became my shadow. This is no life for you and I must let you go, let you live. I’m drowning you along with me. I see it every day. I’m proud to have been your wife and the mother of your children, for that I thank you! (And grandmother of your first grandchild). Please, if Lacey will allow it, tell Evan the rest of your life how much I LOVE him and that I’m with him always. Don’t let him forget how much I LOVE him and always will. Tell him that I’m now his Angel! Always with him, walking by his side, showering him with love from above.

  About my belongings. Sell or keep all diamonds and real gold. The jewelry of little value is in an orange, jewelry travel bag at the bottom of my jewelry chest (bottom drawer). I want Lane to have my jewelry if you don’t want it. Give it to her a few pieces at a time without Lacey’s knowledge. Lacey doesn’t appreciate things of value; you cannot give her the jewelry in the orange travel bag. For You! I want you to take my wedding rings and diamond solitaire necklace, and have them made into rings or whatever for yourself.

  Tell Lane I love her dearly and was so proud of her. Blake – tell him he wasn’t a son-in-law to me, he was a son! Tell Lacey that I really did love her and tell Devon I loved him for the good person he was, for loving Lacey, but most of ALL for loving my Evan and making him his son. Ask him for me to please love Evan with much understanding, attention, and affection.

  I love you, and will continue to do so, just in a better place. Forgive me! I just cannot take this PAIN any longer. You couldn’t nor did I expect you to help me. It was God’s place to help me, but even He couldn’t. No one, nothing, could. Being with Evan would. I know that in my heart but it was out of my control. Evan had a way of healing me; he’s a very special child. I miss him SO much! If only Lacey were different, but you and I both (Lane, too) know she will never change. I don’t want to live without Evan in my life, meaning to see him on a regular basis. I want to be in his life, but it’s not going to happen. I know Lane and Blake will give us grandchildren, but they’re not here yet, and if they were, they wouldn’t be able to cure me of my illness. Please be sure to tell them when they're old enough to understand that I love them and I’m their Angel too.

  Where I’m going, I hope to be cured of this curse. I will walk along side you always, love you always. I will now become your Special Angel. Please go on with your life. After all, you have been through with me; you deserve love, another wife! She must be special, because you are a faithful, loving husband and only someone special deserves you. Lane and Lacey must understand, tell them I said so, or better yet let them read this part of this letter so they will know you have my blessings for a life with another wife. Promise me that you will live a straight life, full of what’s right and goodness. Share your love with someone. Promise please that you won’t live a life of loneliness; that’s not living!

  Live for the both of us! Do what you think I would want you to do. You
know me better than anyone, so you know I want you to be happy, fulfill all of your dreams, finish school-I think it is what was meant to be all along – do it! For you and for me, and it will give you an income.

  I’m watching over you and love you with all my heart and soul.

  Love Always and Forever,

  Alexa

  2:20 am.

  Mom hated me. I wasn't the daughter she wanted. I'm right. It’s my fault. All my fault. I'm the one who picked up on her cry for help. I'm the one who didn't do anything about it. I throw my head into my hands and sob quietly. I shouldn't be allowed to cry. Threading my hair in my fingers, I want to pull every strand out.

  I wish my mom understood why I was forced to distance Evan and myself from her. She was suffocating me and not allowing me to mother my own son. She would undermine me each and every time I tried to set rules and boundaries. Evan began to realize that his "Mama" would do about anything for him. While I cannot express how blessed he is to have such an amazing grandmother, I needed her to respect me as his mom.

  My thoughts travel back to the last time I saw her. She and my father had come over to eat supper and hang out with us. My mom had progressively become emotionally withdrawn. I couldn’t help but be worried about her. Lane and I had spoken about it often. I had even mentioned it to my father. He’d told me that he would keep an eye on her.

  My father had followed my mom out the last night I had seen her. I’d stopped him at the door and begged him to get her help. I told him something was wrong and I worried she might do something drastic. He assured me he would take care of it and make sure nothing happened. That was the last time I saw her. Why couldn't he get her help? I am a horrible daughter to have entrusted him with something like this. How could I possibly be forgiven?

  Lane enters the waiting room after visiting and rouses me from my thoughts. She looks at me with a knowing gaze. She hates that I am reading this. We both know what our lives were like growing up and what our father put our mom through. But she speaks of such a loving man in this letter - a man who I know for a fact is not my father. Why would she do that?

  I look at the notebook and see there is another note behind the last one.

  Day two!

  Dearest Patrick,

  I tried to take my life the last two nights, but it didn’t work! Why? Why? Why?

  My head is so full of pain, emotional pain, it’s HELL! I can’t take this any longer but I don’t know how to stop this pain.

  No matter what I do or what you do for me – nothing helps. My doctors can’t even help me!

  I love you so much but you don’t deserve to live with someone like me. I’m making your life miserable.

  I must try again to escape from this HELL!

  I love you, Always and Forever,

  Alexa

  I gently set the spiral notepad on the chair next to me. I am numb and feel helpless waiting... praying... that she wakes up. I will be sure to apologize for everything that I have done to cause her pain. I don't want her to go another day without realizing how much I love her and appreciate everything she has done for me as her daughter. Realistically, I know she is hurting and wants to lash out at me. I know the letter she wrote about my father being this wonderful person was about a man that doesn't exist. I’ve known she was going downhill. I’ve known she needed help and I know I didn't get it for her. Why would I leave it up to my father? He has never once taken her to get help. It has always been my sister and I who stepped up when it should have been him. He should have been this knight and shining armor that she alludes to in her letter. But I know no one will see it like that. It's etched in stone as far as I'm concerned. I’ve kept Evan from her and he’s the only one who could have healed her.

  I'm going to need to call Devon in the morning.

  Chapter Eleven and a Half

  There is no sleep tonight.

  We wait for the doctors to finish working on her.

  We wait for her condition to improve.

  We wait for a miracle.

  We wait.

  And wait.

  I don't know the time, but Lane has managed to get a hold of my mom's sister, Paula to let her know what is going on. Paula has arranged a flight for her and my grandfather to arrive this afternoon. Paula and my grandfather are the only other family my mom has left. Crap, I need to make a mental note to call Grandma Pain in the morning.

  My mom lost her mom five years ago. My grandmother was a diabetic and passed away in her sleep from an episode of insulin shock. Unfortunately, my grandmother didn't eat well or take the best preventative measures to ensure her insulin was managed properly. My grandmother was such an amazing woman. She was extremely religious. I can remember spending hours on the phone with her discussing things I learned in my religion class. My grandmother would give the shirt off her back to anyone. She was the most selfless person I’ve ever known. My grandmother fell ill with her diabetes soon after my parents were married, and my aunt and uncle came to live with my parents. My aunt and uncle would have been better off staying with their ill mother and their workaholic father and raising themselves. My mother did her best to help raise them. She was amazing. My father on the other hand, scarred my uncle for life, who then scarred me.

  At one point during the night, I remember coherently talking to Lane and Dad. The only thing I recall is how upset my father became at one point when he admitted something.

  "I was so angry with her that day. It couldn't have been longer than a week ago. She was so down and I thought being mean would make her snap out of it. I told her if she's going to kill herself to just get it over with."

  What the hell? His eyes remain on the ground. I glance over at Lane to find her staring at me. I shake my head in disgust. Grief runs heavy through my veins. I lose track of the night. The waiting, the not knowing, the guilt.

  Something shiny catches my eye and I realize the sun is beginning to shed some light on this part of the earth. I must have been staring out the windows most of the night. I glance at my watch, and realize that Devon will be up shortly for work and will need help with Evan. I wish I could bring Evan here to lay in bed with her. He would help her so much, but I cannot have him here. There is so much uncertainty in the air. So much, no one is talking unless they have to.

  I guess Lane feels my restlessness.

  "Lacey, let's leave and get things situated. I need to get lesson plans together for the substitute teacher, and you need to find someone to watch Evan."

  I agree and decide to leave once we check on Mom one more time.

  Blake had to leave hours ago so he could get some sleep before going to his job as a gym teacher at a local elementary school so I drive Lane home. We ride in silence for a little while.

  "Lacey, what are we going to do if she doesn't make it?" Lane’s question breaks through the quiet.

  My head whips around to her as if that's not an option.

  "We cannot think like that. She will make it. She has to." I quickly reply. She always has.

  We let the silence take over again for a little while and then I ask her for her thoughts about the letter.

  "Lacey, it's not your fault," she stresses.

  "Whatever, Lane. No matter what anyone says, I am guilty for keeping Evan away from her to prove a point. And I didn't take her to get the help when she needed it. Whatever anyone else says, that is how I feel. But at the same time, why did she speak so lovingly about Dad? He has caused her so much pain in the past that it's almost surreal for her to speak of him the way she did in her final letters."

  Silence

  Once I drop her off, I race home to grab a quick shower and get Evan settled in for the day. I find Devon in the shower when I return. I collapse into him as the heaviness of my reality begins to set in. He holds me while I sob for what seems like eternity. Once he thinks I've got all the tears out that are going to escape, he pulls away to help peel off my wet clothes. Sensing my weakness, he helps me lather and rinse my hair. He explains
how he is holding an extremely important meeting today. People have flown in from the all over the continental US for this meeting on new pain management protocols.

  "Call me if you need me, or if anything changes, and I will leave," he assures me, giving me a strong hug.

  I am holding on by a thread. I need him to stay with me, but I know he needs to be at this meeting. I put on a brave face.

  "Okay. I love you."

  We say our goodbyes and I hurry to get dressed. The sooner I get everything done, the sooner I can get back to the hospital. A new wave of energy hits me when I think about getting back to my mom's side. I wake Evan up, get him dressed, pack some toys and snacks, and we are out the door, his breakfast of champions in a Ziploc bag. Yes, today I can give my son Fruit Loops and not feel like a horrible parent. I’ve arranged to drop Evan off at Becca's parents for Trish, Becca's sister and Lane's friend, to watch him for me. Becca is visiting some friends in Colorado and isn't due back for another week. Of all the times for her to be gone... I'm going to hold off on telling her what's going on until I know more.

  "Lacey, you look like hell." Trish says when she walks out to help me.

  I pray I can make it through dropping him off without shedding any tears. I've cried enough tears to replenish a dry riverbed. I explain the last nine hours to her, as well as my mom's grave state. She nods in understanding. I realize she gets why I look the way I do. I thank her profusely.

  "I'll keep you updated. Please, don't tell Becca just yet."

  She pulls me into a hug and it's almost comforting. Almost. With no less than a million kisses and a wave by the window, I leave Evan, and hope he still has a living grandmother.

  I call Lane and tell her I'm on my way over to the hospital. She tells me that she’s just finished up at school and is on her way too. She lets me know that Blake is taking off as well, and should be at the hospital shortly after we arrive. I am so caught up in my thoughts that I don't remember driving to the hospital until I pull into a parking space. I hope I haven't broken as many traffic laws this morning as I did last night.