by L. U. Ann
I scream, drowning in a sea of tears, and pass out at some point during the night.
Waking to the warm smell of Devon confuses me for a minute. That one minute where life is okay and there is hope. Then I’m reminded of the painful truth, and all promises of the future vanish. I scream, beg, and plead for my soul mate. I can’t believe he’s gone. Why? Why did this happen? Grabbing the pillow harder, I pray for there to be a mistake, and that Devon will come back to me.
He will never know how much I loved him, and I don’t know what to do without him and his love. I miss him so much. Dear God, what can I do to bring him back? Please let me do something. Please let there be something I can do. Please… I don’t want to grapple with these emotions. I don’t want anything but Devon. Back here where he belongs. He belongs with Evan and me. I grab the sheets, the sheets we made love on, and scream from the pain, the agony, the realization that I will never have this again.
The phone rings. Huh. I didn’t realize I had it in my pocket. I don’t want to talk to anyone but Devon. Why would someone bother me? Can’t they understand my heart has been ripped out of me? I feel so hopeless.
By the time I think to even answer the phone, it’s gone to voicemail. Good!
I close my eyes and visualize my Mr. Blue Eyes on the rock at our picnic lunch just before he surprises me with the box holding my bracelet. His gorgeous, piercing blue eyes, the way he cups my cheek as if there is no one else in the world, and the feel of his lips. I long to touch him, hold him. To tell him I’ll stay true to him because he owns my heart. Because I loved him yesterday, I love him today, and I will love him forever.
Banging sounds at the door, forcing me to open my eyes and leave my fantasy world where Devon still lives. If I ignore it, maybe whoever it is will go away. Throwing the pillow over my head, I once again shut the world out.
“All right, Bitch. It’s time. I’ve given you the night to be depressed in your emo corner. It’s time for you to leave and come back to Caine’s.” She gasps. “Holy fuck! Why did I just say that?” I can hear Becca shudder, repulsed by her own words. “For God’s sake, come on. We’ve got some planning to do before that douchebuggar goes into work tomorrow.”
“What?” I look up in confusion.
“Don’t ‘what’ me, Love.” She air quotes what. “Get your ass up. We are going back to the asshole’s place, but there will be no date-cycling. Do you hear me?” Becca has stopped to put her hand on her hip and looks at me pointedly.
“What do you mean, date-cycling?”
“Lacey, you really need to get a clue.” She shakes her head. “Forget what I said other than get your ass moving. Don’t make me call a forklift, because you know I will.”
I roll my eyes at my best friend. She can be the biggest pain in the ass known to mankind, but I love her.
“Becca.” I begin to cry. “I can’t leave. If I do, this is gone." I point around at the last place we were together as a couple. "Forever. At least here, I can feel and smell him as if he’s still alive. His scent back home is probably already gone.”
“Aw, Love. I know this is really hard, but I need you to do me a favor. I need you to pack up, because we are leaving, like soon. You have things you need to do back at Caine's. Grandma Pain has just arrived and is raising hell. We are leaving in the morning with Evan to go back to Maryland.”
“What do you mean?”
“Lacey, we are going back to Evan tonight to pretend we are cleaning the house. You clean when you’re upset, right?”
I nod.
“Well, okay then. It will be easy to use it as an excuse. We are going to begin ‘cleaning’ by figuring out what we are taking with us tomorrow. While Grandma Pain distracts Asshole."
“But…”
She wants to leave so soon? So, I will never be at this cottage again? How can I leave? Maybe, I can stay with Caine just so I am close to Devon's memory. I don’t have to leave. I have Evan. But he will miss home so much. Home. How can I possibly walk into our apartment, knowing he's never going to walk through the front door again?
“I know you miss Devon, Lacey. I can only imagine the pain you are going through with losing your mom and now your husband. I saw the way you two looked at each other. I know he's your soul mate. I'm so sorry, Love. But Evan needs to get home safely. Somehow, I need you to put on your big girl panties until we get to Maryland. I promise I will help you shed every single teardrop you need to help you come to terms, Love. I’m here. But we need to get your little boy home first. Okay? You know Devon wanted Evan away from Caine as much as we do.”
Becca grabs my hand, looking down at my wrist. The bracelet.
“What’s this?”
A new wave of tears explode. The bracelet. The final gift Devon is ever going to give me. How can this happen to me again? Becca wraps her arm around my shoulder and thankfully doesn’t tell me it will be okay. Because it won’t, not ever. How do I go on?
“Lacey.” I know she is trying to push me.
“What time is it?” My shoulders slump in utter defeat, desolation, despair, and despondency. If I continue to think of words that begin with the letter ‘D’, I might be able to get my baby home.
“Almost three.”
“What time is he leaving in the morning?” Dejection.
“He said he needs to report at seven-thirty. I think we can have the car loaded in thirty minutes and be on our way less than an hour after he leaves.”
I nod. Direction.
Looking around the room, I can’t help but cry from the pain of the realization I will never see Devon again. The world will go by, but my Devon won’t. I know I have stuff in the bathroom but I can’t go in there. Oh my God, I can’t breathe.
Devon, I miss you so much already. How am I ever going to live with the pain of failing two people I love? Squeezing my eyes shut, I concentrate on each breath. I need to pull it together for Evan. I knew that coming up here. I was coming to rescue Evan.
“Lacey.” Becca puts her hand on my shoulder. Apparently, she has packed everything while I’ve been entranced with memories that I will cherish every day. “Everything is ready. We need to go.” Becca gives me a sad smile and leaves, carrying my bag.
How do I leave? When I leave, I’m gone for good. There is no going back. If there were, I’d already have gone back, begging him not to get on that plane, and I wouldn't have shut Mom out. I look around the room and gather up the remaining energy I have to stand up. I begin to walk towards the door. Turning around, I run back to the bed, yank the sheets off, and snatch the pillow. If I can’t have him, then I need this. It’s the last bit of his smell I have. The last thing he slept on. How can someone ask me to give that up? I truly believe in my heart that we would have grown old together. We would have been forever together, not just his forever. Our forever.
Haphazardly, I get down the stairs and catch my breath as my eyes follow the wall of windows leading to the patio where I fell asleep in Devon’s arms. It’s almost too painful to keep my eyes focused. Dropping the sheets and pillow on the sofa, I inch my way to the doors and onto the deck. My eyes remain on the lounge chair where we laid together, our lips colliding, and listening to each other’s heartbeat. The breeze coming off the water is intense. My eyes look up to see a storm brewing. I don’t want to leave just yet, but I don’t want our sheets to get wet and damaged when I walk to the car.
"You were taken too soon, Devon. I will always love you,” I whisper, taking as deep of a breath as I can for strength.
As the final words leave my mouth, a large wind gust wraps me in a hug.
“Good bye, my forever.”
Walking through the house is a blur. I only remember grabbing the remaining items with the smell of my forever and leaving.
Barely able to see through the tears, I almost make it to Becca's rental car before I stop dead in my tracks. It can't be, no, yes, yes, yes!
"DEVON!" I scream.
Chapter Seventeen and a Half
My
love, my one, my only
I loved you yesterday
I love you today
I will love you forever
You made me better
Without you, I am virulent
Looking for an outlet.
I will forever wish I wasn’t saying goodbye
But you and I will never let our love die.
You are my love, my one, my only
It will be a challenge to not be lonely
Missing you every day
Evermore lost on my way
I will talk to you each night as I lay
Wishing you could have stayed
I will continue to live for my baby boy
As he brings me so much joy.
Wishing you were part of life
If only to continue to be your wife
Four days are only a single digit
Ninety-six hours since our last visit
Five thousand, seven hundred and sixty minutes
Emotions run without limits
Two hundred and forty seconds
Since my life took a pivot.
I loved you yesterday, Devon
I love you today
And I will love you forever
The breeze you wrap me each day with a hug
Will bring us together another day my love
As I'm lifted from this lifeless body and feeling the relief from the years and years of pain, I watch in horror as my two little girls cry over the body that once bore my soul.
Oh my girls. I’m so sorry I hurt you. This was not my intent. I wish I had had the strength to continue each and every day. But I can’t. I’ve tried. Not one doctor can help take the pain away. I’ve come to realize that my life will not change. I can’t get better because there is no hope.
My neck and back pain are too much to bear. It’s too much girls. I’m so sorry that I can’t do it anymore. I’ve tried. I truly have. I hate what this is doing to both of you. I love you both so much and Evan, too. Please ask him to forgive me. Please.
I don’t want you to think that I’ve given up so easily. I didn’t. It’s been a battle that I’ve fought every day. I can’t work. I can’t sleep. I can’t sit for long. I can’t stand for extended periods of time. I can’t do anything without pain. What can I do? I take my medicine just as the doctors prescribe. It doesn’t take the pain away. Lately, the pain has increased so much that it’s unbearable. Out of thirty days, girls, I’ve gone only six days without a migraine. Six days, my sweethearts.
I’ve recently tried meditation to will the pain away. It works a little, but girls, I can’t do it when I’m around your father. I’ve looked into finding another place to live, but there is no way I can afford it on my own. And there is no way I could ever be a burden to either one of you.
I feel my only option is to leave this world and pray you won't hate me for what I've done. You have your whole lives ahead of you and I’m confident you both will be happy.
Lane, you are beautiful and I’m so proud of the woman you have become. You and Blake are so wonderful together. The day you look into the eyes of your precious child for the first time, you will understand how much love a mother can give, and how much I love you. Please forgive me for not being there to help you welcome your sweet baby into this world. I wish I could go on another day. I wish I could tolerate the pain, my mental illness, all of it, to stay on this earth with you.
Girls, I’ve stayed with your father because I didn’t know what else to do. I really didn’t. I’m so sorry I’ve failed you.
Lacey, my free-spirited girl, your strength and willpower keep me in stitches all the time. You are so talented with your art. Please, do not ever stop. I’m proud of you for never giving up, never taking no for an answer, and finally succeeding. You’ve been through a lot and have come out on top. Devon is so good to you and Evan. I’m so happy you both found each other and Evan has a wonderful dad to look up to.
One day, I hope Evan will know how much he means to me. My first grandson. I’m scared that he’ll forget me. I’m scared and sad for my future grandchildren because they’ll never have me around. I’m sad I won’t be able to help either one of you by watching my grandbabies. I’m so sorry to let you down. Please let them know about me and that I DO love them.
I’ve taken what should have put me away peacefully, but I’ve awakened both nights to find I was still alive. It seems nothing I try has worked, other than to slit my wrists, and I can’t stand the idea of more physical pain. I’m a coward, so I won’t do that. But somehow, I have to go on since I can’t find a way out of this world. I must try again. I’m sorry for hurting you like this. It’s too much for me.
Girls, please understand. I’m cold and black inside. I can’t seem to find feelings, and if I do, they’re short lived. I’m so sorry, but I wish I hadn’t woke up the last two mornings. I don’t want to deal with anymore of life and its ups and downs. How can I deal with all this stress? God always blocks the medications when I attempt suicide. I just want out of all of this. This is no way to live with a person who won’t be honest with me.
I lost everything when your father moved us from Florida to Maryland. That was my home. He was too proud to stay, and instead ran away, ashamed that his father took over the hardware store, ashamed of all his past transgressions.
Your father thinks he does no wrong. I get sick of living with a perfect person and always being wrong about everything in his eyes. He’d better not ever do anything to Evan! Lacey, please keep your father away from him. Lane, it’s best if he never knows your babies. This time, no one will believe the man’s innocent. He thinks he’s God’s gift to the world and that everyone, including me, owes him – wrong.
I don't understand what I did to deserve this life, this horrible life? I’ve committed no grave sins, yet I've been punished so. Why has God forsaken me? I once was a vibrant, healthy woman, but life with your father has allowed me to become weaker, sick in the mind, body, and spirit. All hope has been taken away.
I wish I had found someone to talk to about what I’m going through, what I’ve been going through, and what my fears are about your father. I couldn't ask you to bear the weight of what I know. If he truly loved me, he never could have put me through all the things I’ve been through. He doesn’t even love you girls enough to provide for you properly. His passing fancies are a game he gets a thrill from. Since we moved here, I haven’t been able to try one dream.
I’ve allowed him to bring me down all along, thinking I could change him. I have deteriorated mentally and physically. It’s amazing how the person you live with affects your life. I thank God every day that you girls aren’t scarred more than you are.
I love you Lane, Lacey, and Evan, very much. I will always love you.
With all of the love inside of me,
Mommy
On June 3, 1999 at 11:56 a.m., my mother was pronounced dead. Yes, she died. At the hospital, while I was praying in the chapel, my mom died. Coming off the elevators after calling my husband, I saw it on my sister’s face. She was gone.
She was successful in her third attempt to commit suicide.
While she was in desperate need of someone to find her a pain medication regime, she could have found solace in my sister and me. Instead, I ignored the rage, the outbursts, and irrational thinking that goes along with someone suffering with Bipolar. Do I feel guilty? Yes. I will forever remember the words I spoke to my father just before he walked out the door. “Please get her help. She needs it.”
Bipolar is a mental illness, an illness due to lack of proper chemical balance in your brain. Are you crazy if you’re diagnosed with bipolar? NO WAY! The brain is an organ, or so I’ve been told by a wise woman, Doctor Stephanie Durruthy. She helped me see that it’s okay to accept that you’re bipolar. Your brain needs medication just like someone suffering from a heart problem. What makes our two organs different? Am I ashamed to admit I suffer from bipolar disorder? Sometimes yes, because of the stigma. Should I be?
No. I didn’t do anything wrong. My mom didn’t do anything wrong.
However, God graced us as who we are. So why do people automatically think those with bipolar disorder are crazy? We can’t help being born, therefore, we cannot help the genetic make-up of our DNA, and we can’t control the chemical balance in our brain. So why the stigma?
If you’re on medicine to reduce your cholesterol and you’re doing everything you can to keep it low, your treatment is stable. Right?
If you suffer from diabetes and need to take insulin every day to keep you well, and eat properly for you to stay healthy, you’re going to do that. Right?
Are they crazy? Are they nuts? No! They aren’t! Is it because it deals with other organs? Yes! But, when did we forget the brain is an organ too? Why is it that when the brain, an organ, has something wrong, it sends someone straight to the loony bin?
It's hard for me to care about the stigma, the lack of serotonin, or whatever the chemical imbalance is that would cause someone to choose the path of suicide. The part that I do care about is that someone had cried for help and no one saw it. No one notices the misaligned blinds in the doctor’s office or the fact that my mom was so down that she committed suicide! There is no other way of saying it. My mom didn’t do it to gain attention, she didn’t do it to have some legacy follow her, and I know she committed suicide because she didn’t know what else to do! There is no other reason!
Now that I have had the opportunity to write this through the tears I needed to shed so many years ago, I can honestly say that I could have saved my mom. How, you ask? Simple. My sister, who I love so very dearly, and I actually had our mother committed a number of times. Our father would rather watch everything unfold through rose-colored glasses than step up and do the right thing.