by L. U. Ann
Leaning down and kissing his head, I profess, "Mommy loves Evan." Taking my voice down a number of notches, I whisper, "Devon loves you, too."
"De-De," Evan whispers.
My heart swells. "That's right De-De loves you very much, too."
Our moment vanishes when Frank jumps out of his chair, frantically looking around in search of something.
"Frank, are you okay?"
He looks up at me and is pale as a ghost.
"Uh..." He's still looking around. "Um...," he nervously asks Caine for the remote to the TV.
Caine points to it, and when the television comes on, I turn my attention back to Evan. I'm sure something is affecting some offshore market or anything along those lines.
The volume on the television rises and there is breaking news. Suddenly, I stop breathing. I stare at the television but I don't hear what they say. There's no fucking way, no damn way. It can't be. God wouldn't be so cruel.
"Kim, can you tell us any details on this breaking news report?" A male voice sounds, and even though I'm looking at the television, I don't see him. My brain is a fog.
"Yes, Dan, thank you. I'm reporting from Hancock County-Bar Harbor Airport. We've been told air traffic control has lost communications with a private aircraft approximately one hour and fifteen minutes after it took off from this airport. We aren't sure exactly how or why, but do know the plane was a two pilot twin-engine, Hawker 400. The corporate aircraft has been identified as owned by James Holmes, owner of Holmes Incorporated. We aren't clear how many passengers were on board or if there were any survivors. We have been unsuccessful in our effort to reach someone at Holmes Incorporated headquarters.”
What are they saying? The shock has me narrow-minded, unable to comprehend. I don't understand.
"Kim, there is word that investigators with the National Transportation Safety Board are en route to a suspected crash site. Do you know where this supposed site is located?"
Crash site? OH. MY. GOD! I can't breathe, I'm numb. This can't be happening. No, please no.
"That's right, Dan. I was just given a report explaining the latest findings. A number of calls came in about a large noise and flames around Ringwood, New Jersey. The plane lost contact, and within minutes, calls began to come into the 911 call center reporting a crash and flames."
There's a mistake. It has to be. If that is Devon's plane, there's no way he's dead. I would feel it. We are soul mates. He belongs to me. Nothing is going to keep us apart. Why are they saying this? They are lying. I stare at the television waiting. I'm so lost with emotion that I can't even tell if I'm crying. Shock is the only reasoning.
"Kim, Ringwood is located in the northeastern part of New Jersey, close to the New York - New Jersey border and home to the Ringwood Manor State Park. Do you know if the calls were from witnesses in New York or New Jersey?"
New York or New Jersey?
"At this moment, I don't have that information but will certainly pass it on as soon as we hear. Ringwood Manor State Park, Kim, is 5000 acres. Do authorities believe a search and rescue is warranted, because to be honest, the terrain is difficult with being in the center of the Ramapo Mountains."
Ramapo Mountains. Where's that?
"Dan, it's a remote location. I would assume a search and rescue will be attempted. I've been told helicopters and mountain rescuers have been dispatched, but with the sun already set and the challenging terrain they will face, it will be difficult recovery.”
Devon, please come back to me. I'm waiting.
"I'm sure they are going to be doing all they can to get the Cockpit Voice Recorder and Flight Data Recorder. Those will be a key in determining what happened moments before the plane went down."
Frank hasn't moved or taken his eyes off the television. Caine tries to pull Evan from my arms but I won’t allow it. He needs to be with me. We need each other. He's my lifeline, my pulse, and the air that fills my lungs while my entire body shuts down. I hear the reports. I listen, but I don't understand how this could happen. Keeping my eyes trained on the television, I'm praying, waiting for the news to stop talking about the tragedy and say it was just a mistake.
The scared, little girl inside of me wants to drop to her knees and cry. I want my mom to tell me everything is going to be okay, but she can't. I failed her. Clenching the ring on my thumb, as well as my wedding band, I hold on to them as my only source of hope. I begin to twirl them back and forth. They're a few of the materialistic connections I have at this moment with the one man who has taught me it’s okay to love again. Oh, my gosh, the bracelet that he just gave me. All guys aren’t like Caine. The best thing Devon did teach me is that he isn’t like Caine. He is so far from that type of person.
My head hurts. But how? The weight of the pressure building in my chest is almost unbearable. How can I feel anything when the pain in my chest is so great?
He's coming back. His boss will have him at work. He’ll finish the meeting and fly back. Maybe when he calls tonight, I'll tell him to drive up instead of flying. It's safer, right? I just need to wait for his call.
I love you, Sugar Pants. What I would give to hear those words from his lips as they brush against mine. His arms swaddling me with care, promising me everything will be okay. I'll never hear his voice again. Memories are all I have. I should have gone to see Devon at the club that night. This never would've happened. It's all my fault. If I hadn’t stay with Caine, then I never would've gotten hurt. Caine never would've been able to take Evan from me. Devon, Evan, and I would be together right now. If I hadn’t have made the worst choice of my life. Oh my God, what do I do now? Life cannot be this hard.
I want to curl into a ball and go to sleep until I wake up from this nightmare. How do I wake up every single day knowing I won't see him again? Devon is my one.
My one and only.
He has told me over and over that he is going to spend the rest of his life making me happy. We’ve said vows promising each other. His life can't be over. I want us to have children who have his eyes, full lips, long fingers, and caring personality. This is wrong. Evan needs the dashing man who brought life back into me as his daddy.
No, no, no... I love him. ‘I loved you yesterday, I love you today, and I will love you forever.’ He was supposed to be my forever. Why would God take him away from me after He’s taken my mom? He can't be this cruel.
The tears begin to spill. I don't remember feeling them before now. I don’t even know I am going to cry. I don't feel. Am I having an out of body experience?
Never mind! They don't know what they are talking about. He's still alive. I feel it in my heart. Our love will not be swept away like a grain of dirt lost in a dust storm. I believe in our love and it will bring him back to me.
Chapter Sixteen and a Half
No sleep.
No dreams.
No rest.
Besides the empty hole gutted in my chest, the only thing I feel, I live, I breathe is despair.
Who came up with the word heartache?
Is it when your heart bleeds and there is nothing to stop it? My heart, captured in an agonizing grip, is squeezed free of hope. With every second that ticks away, the grip becomes tighter until I’m left with nothing but a black hole. The empty shell is in the place my heart once occupied.
I can’t do anything but stare at the television. Caine takes Evan to bed at some point. I don’t remember when. Time doesn’t exist. It has stopped. The news is obsessed with showing the helicopter images of the crash site, and I can take my eyes off of it. What if I see him? As crazy as it sounds, what if?
My body is numb and I can't comprehend anything other than the pain of my heart. Nothing compares to it, not even waking up in the hospital. Frank had left soon after he brought the television to life, killing my hopes and dreams. I love Devon. He can’t be dead. He can’t be.
“Monica, I understand fire crews have been working through the night to put out the fire. Has anyone been able to reach the plane
belonging to James Holmes of Holmes Incorporated by foot? Are there any further updates you can provide?”
“Yes, Rob. We’ve learned three people were aboard the Hawker 400xp when it went down in Ringwood Manor State Park.”
Were?
“It was occupied by two pilots and Mr. Holmes youngest son, Devon Holmes, a graduate of Johns Hopkins University. It is believed he was traveling to a meeting he was scheduled to attend later this morning.”
“Monica, are there believed to be any survivors?”
Oh no, no, please don’t answer that yet. Please give me a little more time. My life will forever change.
“That is a great question, Rob. Unfortunately, at this moment, we do not have any knowledge of survivors. Crews have been on the scene for a few hours.” The sound of papers crinkling is heard over the microphone.
“Rob, I was just handed this note. Let me read you the latest details. Two bodies have been recovered from the plane that went down at eight fifty-two yesterday evening. The identities of the two bodies have yet to be identified. But if they found two, it's probably a matter of time before they find the third."
A boulder-sized knot forms in my throat, strangling the life out of me. Is he one of them? Is he dead? No, please, I just lost my mom. Not Devon, too. Please God, don't take him away.
“A spokesperson with Holmes Incorporated will be holding a conference at noon. It is a sad day for Holmes Incorporated.”
“Monica, do they know the cause of the crash?”
My body falls the remaining short distance to the floor, welcoming the sting. This is the closest I feel to Devon. He is somewhere on the ground and that’s where I need to be. I want to feel the pain of something other than my chest crushing in agony. It is now a burial ground and a demanding guilt-ridden cavity. It’s a dark abyss of what was, what could’ve been, and what will never be. The floor is the only place where I find some sort of comfort. I would lay on the ground outside, but I need to be somewhat close to Evan.
“Rob, it’s still too early to tell-”
The television clicks off. My eyes travel to the person responsible for cutting off the last remaining moments I have with my forever love, Devon Holmes.
Caine.
Staring at the man in front of me, I’m motionless. There is nothing to say to him. He shut down the last moments I will ever have. I twirl the ring. ‘I loved you yesterday, I love you today, and I will love you forever.’ Just keep reminding yourself, Lacey. Keep Devon alive. He is alive. They won't find that third body because he's alive.
“Lacey, you shouldn’t be watching that.” He runs a hand along my back, trying to elicit comfort, only it’s not working. “I’ve got you. Come here.” Caine grabs my waist and pulls me onto his lap.
I cry out in pain. The sharp knife stabs me in my chest, and reminds me of the heart that was once there.
All I remember is crying, over and over. And then, crying even more. I don’t know how long I cry, but it isn’t too long before it all goes away, and I am left with nothing but despair. I’m no longer on Caine’s lap. I’m in a bed next to Evan’s playpen. Where the hell is everyone? My head hurts, and I roll over. I have no desire to face the world today. I want to forget the world and grab hold of my memories. I wish with every fiber of my being that I could go back to the way things were a year ago. Life could have turned out so differently. How can life be so cruel? What did Devon ever do to deserve to have his life cut short?
My fists tighten around the pillow, and holding it over my mouth, I scream. I don’t want to get up and face reality. I want to go to sleep, cuddle my baby boy and pray that when I wake up I will find that it’s all been a horrific nightmare. Nightmares that I’ve survived from my past don’t measure up to this pain, not even the nightmare that took away my youth. This nightmare is taking away my future. Today, it’s fear. Fear of never seeing him again. Fear that I will never experience him holding me again. I will never have ‘again’, ‘again’ being the key word.
A soft knock on the door brings me somewhat to my senses.
“Lacey, I fixed lunch. You need to eat.”
“Go away,” I say, my voice muffled through the pillow.
“Lacey, you haven’t eaten in two days.”
What?
“Go away!” I yell.
“Lacey!”
I sit up and direct a stare towards Caine, clutching my fists and pounding them onto the bed.
I scream, “I said GO AWAY!”
It’s his fault. He has taken my forever, my ‘again’. If he hadn’t stolen Evan, none of this would’ve happened.
Wait! My cell phone. What if he’s called? Fuck! Where is the charger? I fumble with a few cords and plug my phone in. Powering it on, I scroll through the missed calls, paying no attention to any of the numbers except the one that I'm praying to show I've missed.
Throwing the pillow back over my head, I try to forget the callous world I live in and the asshole who killed it.
I wake up with a screaming bladder, and notice it’s already dark outside. A light resembling the television flickers. Caine must be up. I peek over to find the playpen empty and decide that a search for the remaining remnants of my heart is warranted. Making a stop on my way to the bathroom, I glance at the clock as I wash my hands. Eight-fifteen. It’s dark outside, so it must be bedtime. Why isn’t Evan in bed? Fucking, lousy douche bag.
Caine greets me as I walk into the family room. I ignore him and immediately grab Evan. Sleeping or not, he needs to get out of the horrible man’s arms.
“Lacey, it’s Wednesday night. You’ve been out since late Sunday. You need to eat and drink something.”
Caine attempts to… hell if I fucking know. I don’t want him to do anything. Luckily, someone rings the doorbell, giving me a way out of this conversation.
My attention is drawn to my handsome sleepyhead, and I forget there might be a visitor.
“What the hell are you doing here?” Caine impudently asks.
“What the hell am I doing here?”
Oh, shit!
“What the fuck is going through that sick, twisted mind of yours, douche bag? How fucking dare you take my baby, and then keep her here like this without fucking calling the people who lov-”
She’s here.
I look up and see Becca. Her very presence gives me permission to weep violently.
“Lacey.” Becca scurries up, putting an arm around me. “What the hell were you thinking, leaving?”
I shake my head, not wanting to talk about it, but my eyes tell a different story. They are pinned on Caine.
“Caine, can you take Evan, please? I want to talk to Lacey.”
“NO!”
I may have been harsh, but I’m not giving Evan up. No way. My arms tighten around him.
“Okay, Lacey. But Sweetheart, you need to tell me what is going on.” Becca says, rubbing my head, and attempting to straighten out the knots. I know Becca cares, but my heart has been ripped out. My life has forever changed and I don’t want to talk about it. I hate the world right now. Evan is the only thing I’m concerned about. Wait…
“Becca, how did you get here?” I ask.
“I flew and rented a car to get here.” She looks hesitant and nervous. “I left as soon as I heard. I’m so sorry, Honey. I’m so sorry his plane went down.”
This causes a violent sob to erupt from the depths of my soul. I hand Evan to Becca and beg her to drive me to the cottage. I need to get out of here. Away from Caine. I need to go the last place I was happy with him. Where I can still maybe feel him.
“Okay, hold on. Let me get Evan’s stuff ready.”
“No, you won’t.” Caine pipes up, and our heads turn in his direction. “You aren’t taking Evan. You are in NO shape to care for our child.”
My pain turns into fury.
“Lacey, come on. I’ll take you to the cottage and then you can come back to Evan.” Becca tries to reason.
I nod in agreement.
; The car ride is quiet. I don’t say anything. There is nothing to say other than how foolish I've been. I must deserve the pain I’m feeling for all the stupid choices I’ve made. We pull up to the cottage and my heart immediately aches more.
“Please go back and keep an eye on Evan.” I deadpan.
“I’m not fucking leaving you, Lacey. You are out of your freaking mind if you think that. You know Frank called and told me about everything. He knew he couldn't be here right now and thought I was your best option.” Becca retorts.
“Please. I need to do this by myself.” I turn, dismissing her. “If you can keep an eye on Evan for me and make sure he’s okay, I would greatly appreciate it. You can pick me up tomorrow. I need to be here right now, and I need to know Evan is being loved by someone I trust.” How I get all of that out is beyond me. My insides feel so dead.
“Lacey-”
I shake my head.
Feeling defeated, Becca eventually agrees. “I will be here first thing in the morning. You do know that they've only found two bodies,” she says, trying to give me a glimpse of hope. Maybe enough to get Evan and me back to Maryland.
“Take your time. I need to do a few things here.” I nod and lift myself out of the car.
The walk up the path and stairs seems to take forever. I hope the door is unlocked. I haven’t thought about that until now. Frank is with Alice, and needs to be with the grieving family.
I reach for the knob on the door that separates me from the last place I shared with Devon, slowly turn, and find it unlocked. Stepping foot in this beautiful place is almost unbearable. I want to crumble to the floor, but I don’t. I continue, one step at a time, allowing my free hand to run across a kitchen chair. The chair he sat in that morning. Continuing into the cottage, my fingers run along the back of the sofa as I make my way towards the narrow staircase, remembering how he carried me up them in his strong arms.
I stop at the top of the stairs, trying to gather the ability to proceed. I want to be in there. I want Devon. I need Devon to be here. Wanting to rip the Band-Aid off fast, I begin towards the room that holds the bed we shared. I walk quickly, as quickly as I can, throwing myself on the bed. I ignore the pain. I crawl fast and grab his pillow. I need to smell him, if only one more time. The strong, heavenly, spiced scent lingers. I want to pretend he is here with me. He’s only stepped out of the room and will return any moment. He would be here now. If only…