Snow Blind

by Richard Blanchard

  “Uma Thurman.” Johnny surprises me by making the first entry.

  “Posh Spice.” Chris amazes me even more.

  “Posh Spice? You would split her in two!” Max retorts.

  “I would take Kelly Brook up the shitter any day of the week.” Robert inevitably lowers the tone. “What about you Juliet? Which woman would you go to bed with?” He is pushing her too far again.

  “I always thought Liz Hurley was very sensual, but I think in bed with Madonna would be fun.” She covers her mouth having surprised herself and sloshes wine onto the gingham patterned plastic tablecloth.

  “Way to go girl. What a threesome that would be.” Robert applauds her choice.

  Pizza from the rustic oven sizzles onto the table on black platters, cheese spits menacingly at me stinging my cheek. Seven pizzas only just squeeze onto the table. We all rip into our meals; I order more wine for lubrication. Very quickly my jaw aches from chewing so fast. I start to slow down, my movements become more vague; everything and everyone softens. I enter the good drunk zone; I cannot hide my condition and have enough control to say roughly what I mean. My stomach can detect neither hunger nor fullness despite possessing most of my Quatro Stagioni now.

  “Dan. Everyone. Dan.” Johnny stands for attention. “Before I get too far gone I just want to say a few words about my best mate Dan. He may be a bit scatty and laid back but I love him. He has had faith in me when others… Anyway, in a week’s time we will all be in England getting pissed again at his wedding… raise those glasses to Dan and Sophia.” Everyone thrusts them high but remain seated.

  “Oh and here is a little something from us all mate.” Johnny hands me a signed copy of the photograph we took in airport departures. I hug him across Juliet and stay on my feet.

  “Thanks a lot guys, I will treasure this. Just to say, thanks for coming all this way for me. I know we have had our moments, but it’s not easy. I thank you all. Chris, you have been a great big brother to me, but lighten up bro. Max, you have kept me in a job for years now, so I thank you for that. Steve, we have been creative partners for so long, too long for some, but we work okay despite the bullshit. Johnny you are my soul mate, you are the best a man can get. Juliet, you were once my girlfriend and though you dropped me from a great height I still love and respect you. Who is left, the little fellow, yes Robert that’s you. Thanks for the free tickets from our official stag sponsor BA; much appreciated. I just hope your ego can cope after being roasted by my skiing tomorrow.” I have nudged everyone’s truth; they all have their cards marked. I can’t and don’t want to remember what I said to them all. All I know is that for the first time in three days they are together in laughter.

  “Even if one of you lets me down, I still love you guys. Enough, more wines Signori. ” I slump back into my seat and breathe more easily.

  “You have come to life. I didn’t think you had a pulse in that lanky body of yours.” Robert leans in to speak to me over the growing noise.

  “Let’s have some more fun shall we. Everyone has done truth or dare haven’t they? Well let’s make it truth or truth; everyone has to tell us something scandalous about Dan that we don’t know. Dan you are first up.” Robert insists on party games.

  Back on my feet the room is swimming a little. “Thanks Robert. Err a truth about me that I don’t know is very hard. What I can reveal is that I am in love with…err… I love without question… The Smiths…err.”

  “Not good enough, something fucking interesting you lanky shit.” Robert decrees I must try again. I am my own lie detector; I may as well have a buzzer and neon light attached to my head. I can’t take my eyes off Juliet. Be bold Dan, be bold…

  “No, I love without question my son. I don’t think I told you all but he almost got run down at the airport on Wednesday. It was my fault for err… not being quick enough. Anyway, he is all right but I thought I had lost him. I can’t bear it to be honest. Err, Johnny you go next.” It was a sober truth that even Robert didn’t dare question.

  “Well I am about to release my first album at the end of the year and the truth is I am going to dedicate it to my best mate Dan.” He sits down and I just smile at him, I know my power of sentence construction is fast disappearing. Silent appreciation is more apt.

  “Come on boys, tell us something interesting will you for Christ’s sake.” Robert tries to change the tone.

  “Err, Dan. You remember you got whacked for spending your firstedition decimal coin set. Dad hit you so hard, you had a massive welt on your leg, it didn’t go for two weeks and you couldn’t sit down. Well it was me who spent it and I didn’t say a thing.” Chris confirms what I always suspected but couldn’t prove. It was a real trauma for me at the time; a lethal combination of injustice and physical pain.

  “Dan, I have never liked you. You have always got on my nerves; I don’t know how we have worked together for so long. Let’s split up. I don’t mean this nastily; I just think it’s about time.” Steve confirms something that I have always known. It will be great to see him sink without me to blame.

  Max is completely gone; he leans into the table unable to stand, a vengeful pose on his face. “I have got one for you Dan. ByeFly have flown the nest. They have taken off for pastures new. Their business is terminal. This is a dead account. The account is dead. It is a dead account.” He pathetically slaps the table with the paper I gave him with strap line suggestions, in a take on the Monty Python dead parrot sketch.

  “Why have you had me working on my stag weekend you bastard?”

  “I just thought we could have one last shot …” He slumps back unapologetically.

  “Dan, I am sorry I let you down years ago. Things were very black and white then. Maybe I could have given you a chance to stay with me and…” Juliet is in full drunken flow when Robert has heard enough.

  “Come on, lighten this up guys. The lad has had enough of this, it’s his stag do, let’s have a laugh. It’s meant to be things like I just shagged that waitress in the toilet. That’s true by the way; she’s got massive brown nips. I also had that woman I copped off with last night and her mate; my dick is on fire.” He throws a dried slice of pepperoni pizza over the balcony for effect. I agree with Robert; it had all got a bit heavy. I am not sure what to believe about his sexual antics.

  “Juliet that was rubbish, you have to do my dare as a forfeit. Swap underwear with Dan while you stay in this room.” She luckily has a skirt on and squirms to releases her knickers; her bra is snapped off under her Lycra cardigan. I suddenly have no shame. I flick my shoes off, stand to unbutton my trousers and pull down jeans and a clean pair of underpants. Not one man dares to comment on the size or shape of my genitals, as I’m a shower not a grower. Two waiters run to the top of the stairs in time for my nakedness. They frown and confer running away quickly to get help. Juliet’s knickers are at least cotton, however brief they are. I dress again and am made to hook the bra up under my shirt.

  “More wine for the whiner’s Signori.” I am genuinely enjoying this now. Everything has shifted here; at last some unearthed truths rather than the lies that have bound everyone around me.

  “Downstairs now Signor, we clean up.” Four waiters appear behind the man who has drawn the short straw to tell us to go.

  “I wish the eyeties would stop smoking so much, it’s disgusting. The dirty bastards.” Max offers inappropriate commentary as the waiters hover. We all amble at our own pace downstairs, to an empty restaurant. They allow me my last request; we huddle around the small bar slurping our last carafe. I settle for the four rounds of wine, we all give in thirty Euros for the food.

  “You married? Salute.” The bar owner offers me premature congratulations and a Lemoncino as I rest on the bar. I raise my glass and smirk. He is probably thinking Juliet is my wife. Waiters sit down at empty tables waiting for a fight they will not get.

  The taxis are fifteen minutes late, having promised a midnight pick up. I have suspended comprehension of what has just hap
pened. Nothing hurts me through my thick skin of alcohol. Italy has been a blast.

  Saturday 18th April 2009

  CHAPTER 30

  Juliet 00.22

  “WHY DO MEN HAVE SUCH LACK OF RESPECT FOR WOMEN?”

  Johnny and Dan sing from The Smiths’ songbook as we exit the cab. They fail to shut the door three times, until I remove a seat belt from the doorjamb. They laugh hard at the aptness of their song; creasing themselves forward with arms across each other’s shoulders. No more apologies for us Dan, they stand swaying with their foreheads pushed together, uniting their sweaty fringes.

  “The casino is across the square so the club must be underneath.” I prompt them. Robert has insisted we go to a disco called Wheelers. The human traffic is against us again; even the hardened revellers are dispersing to catch rest before their skiing. The roar of water is all around, with the river flowing underneath our feet and the forceful spray from the decorative fountain in front of us.

  “Ambush!” Max and Steve are running at us from around the fountain, Robert comes from the other direction. Indians aiming to capture the cowboys. Legs heavy with drink, they could not catch a sober person, but Dan is easily pulled backwards. Max grabs his feet, the others his shoulders. They try to throw him into the fountain, but Dan’s bottom crumples to the floor, making him impossible to lift.

  “Idiots! We will never get him into a club soaking wet!” Chris shouts at them. They know it is true and they let him go to the sound of their own groans. Max decides to wake himself up with a face wash in the fountain. The semi-ice water and freezing air make him wince. A fully immersed human would be only minutes away from an icy death, another good reason not to dunk Dan.

  “Thanks for letting me go guys.” Dan picks himself up from the slush at the foot of the rounded fountain wall.

  “Oh Dan, look at you.” I brush snow and mud from his elbows, bum and knees.

  “Thanks Jules, you’re a star. Boys will be boys hey babe?” Dan perches on the fountain edge giving his assailants far too much respect, far too much leeway.

  “Let’s just calm down gentlemen if you want to get in the club.” Although set against the whole venture, part of me hopes we can just get a chance to dance.

  The bouncer stands squarely across the door, hands in front of his groin. He is running a risk appraisal of the group. He probably thinks, seven people, one of whom is a woman so it isn’t a stag do. Already drunk so they are probably English or Scandinavian. None of them looks hard, just that fat one but I can take him. Yes they will do, they will drink loads and make fools of themselves. He steps aside for Robert who proceeds to pay for us all.

  Beyond two draped velvet curtains we descend three decades down a flight of stairs into the 1970s. The interior designer has caught itself coming back. It could easily be the stage set for an early James Bond film. The stairs give perspective onto a circular dance floor marked out as a roulette wheel, made whole by a huge glitter ball. A grinning hostess greets us with no hint of embarrassment at her outfit. Her bra cups are two enlarged poker chips, while her mini skirt is made from six of them. She shows us to a booth. The stags are dumb struck at being this close to female flesh. The clientele is strictly old European. The men are all older than Dan; the women are all younger than me. Some of the girls would be too young for Ethan. I would dread seeing what his hormones might do to his rational sensibility. Surely he would not react to this, he is a different generation?

  She takes our drinks order as we are standing; Max and Steve huddle around her so that her only exit is towards Dan. Once turned, they half-push her and she stumbles towards him. Dan’s left hand clinches a buttock while the right hand pushes under her fifty-dollar poker-chip bra.

  “Your lucky number is up Dan,” shouts Max as she extricates herself.

  The tray she holds makes it impossible to slap anyone. She must play her part in this time-warped hellhole. Robert slips a fifty-euro note into her mini skirt from behind; he thinks it buys him the right to stroke her bum cheek. She moves away and takes the money as solace for the degradation.

  Sister Sledge sings about their family; the song is at an inclusive pace that allows anyone to dance. Some of my sisters are letting it all hang out at the bar across the dance floor. They are maximising their income potential by pouring wine provocatively, while their young breasts bounce eagerly. It’s strange to be given licence to look at someone’s breasts; they usually spend their lives airlessly trussed up. I am proud to see the beautiful pert shape of a young woman, but repulsed by what she is using it for.

  “Look Robert, you have got what you wanted. Let’s take Dan over there and let him ogle some young girl.”

  “You have to know what I wanted don’t you.” He makes no sense. “It’s never enough don’t you see? There is always more to do, more to see, more to have. I am off to see a man about some pussy.” He pushes out of the booth without letting Johnny stand up so stumbles onto the gigantic roulette wheel. I step out of the booth to help him recover.

  “What are you mumbling about? Just leave things alone for once will you. He has seen some breasts let’s go home.” I implore him.

  “Leave it alone? What the fuck are you doing here anyway? We know what needs to be done.” He staggers away towards the back of the room.

  “Come and dance girl,” Max offers his hand. I surprise myself and take it in the spirit of the stag party. He tries hard to dance but his body makes no sense of the rhythm.

  “You are alright really you know.” He damns me with faint praise for not refusing him. There is a freedom in music.

  Sister Sledge fade and Stevie Wonder segues in. Max doesn’t notice, he continues his shape-shifting as before. As I smile lightly at his efforts he feels encouraged to try something adventurous. He tries to body pop but stumbles backwards. He plants a leg in time not to fall.

  “May I have the pleasure of your dancing Mademoiselle?” Dan has cut in from behind. “Butt-out Max, it’s my turn.” He tries to push him away. Dan takes my hands and leads me in a mock tango across the floor. We whip around smartly and whoop at the end of each turn. He lets go and spreads his arms skywards and sings.

  This is curious, he pointedly never used to like Stevie Wonder.

  Dan drops to his knees and covers his heart. He mimes every word of Stevie Wonder’s cry for an ex-lover to take him seriously. He sits back on his feet, reaching skyward with over sized arms. This is no longer a sing-a-long; he is singing his heart out to me. He loses control of his voice and just caterwauls. He finds my right hand and presses it to his cheek. You don’t really mean this. I see the other stags stand up from the booth; cheering at his loss of inhibition. He is singing and sobbing. I cover my mouth in shock. I never had to witness what I did to him as I left him so quickly. The truth pours forth. He has hidden this for years; his current life is a diversion.

  “Come on up mate, it’s getting late now.” Johnny tries to rescue his friend by grabbing his hand. Dan’s face is strewn with tears, and he sobs convulsively. He casts Johnny’s hand away; he doesn’t want release. At last they guess why he is on his knees and the mood turns darker.

  I kneel down to his level. “You are just drunk and emotional Dan. This means nothing.”

  “Not to you it doesn’t. You are everything…”

  “Get the fuck up Dan.” Chris now tries to save his brother from shame. Dan resists him by refusing his hand.

  “Why could you never say this all those years ago?” It probably wouldn’t have mattered as I had resolved to get him out of my life.

  “I felt it. It was obvious. Is that it, you left because I didn’t say it?” He puts forward another inaccurate reason for my leaving.

  “I am not that shallow.”

  “I love you, I love you, I love you. There, three times for the ones I missed.”

  “It’s gone Dan, it’s all gone now.”

  “It can’t be, please Jules.” I have ruined him; he has lived with this hope for so long that it won
’t be dashed now.

  He cannot let it go, so I must. I run out of the club, leaving the boy I left before, not the man I came here to see.

  I run back towards the fountain and sit down to catch my breath. It spits mountain water from the mouths of cast-iron fishes and mermaids. What is the boy going to do? He is heading towards a marriage he cannot commit to. He is as lost as when I left him. I broaden my chest to gulp the wintry air. Hot tears of pity for Dan drip into the icy fountain water.

  CHAPTER 31

  Dan 01.30

  The tracks of my tears have dried and shrunken my facial skin; they have expressed their misguided love. My reddened eyes are refreshed having let loose years of loss It is better out than in. We can all be fools, but at least I can say I am a brave one now. I have somewhat sobered up. My immediate physical concern was the loss of strength in my right knee. Having slid dramatically across the dance floor towards Juliet, it caught on each panelled edge of the giant roulette wheel. Half way through my singing I realised I had landed on Red 7, which I deemed a lucky spin of the wheel. Juliet stood impervious on zero, covering her mouth in shock.

  We all stand in lewd proximity to the host of breasts at the bar, observing them discreetly but as often as possible. We are all storing this free pornographic material on our hard drives, accessible for downloading as future masturbation stimulus; a multi-sensory collection of smells, curves, shoulders, hair, pert nipples, tiny goose bumps and downy hair. Look, remember but don’t touch.

  “What the fuck were you doing you fool?” Robert is incensed that any man he knows has laid his soul so bare. “You are clearly besotted with the bitch that left you years ago. Don’t you know the law? Don’t ever go back for seconds, especially not on your knees and crying like a blithering idiot.” I admire myself for once. A mistake most probably, but time will tell. I see it is half one now; I hope Juliet gets back to the hotel okay. The night feels young in this antiquated discotheque.