“I'm taking your wife's temperature,” the doctor coolly explains.
“Okay, doctor,” says the husband, “but that thing better have numbers on it.”
*
There was a woman who couldn't get enough, so she put an ad in the paper. The very next afternoon a man came to her front door, and she asked to see his dick. “I'm sorry, young man,” she explained, “but it must be ten feet long. Come back in a week.”
A week passed and the doorbell rang again. “Well,” said the woman, “it's two feet long. Come back in a week and we'll see what we can do.”
Another week went by and the man had to ring the doorbell with his dick wrapped around his neck. “Not bad,” said the woman, “but you've still got a foot to go.”
“Wait a minute,” said the man. “I brought this crank with me.” He finally stretched it out to a full ten feet, and the woman said, “All right, let's go to the bedroom.”
The woman undressed and the man got a hard-on and strangled himself.
*
Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems. The seventy-year-old said, “Have I got a problem. Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to take a piss, but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour ‘cause my pee barely trickles out.”
“Heck, that's nothing,” said the eighty-year-old. “Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a shit, but I have to sit on the can for hours because of my constipation. It's terrible.”
The ninety-year-old said, “You guys think you have problems! Every morning at 7:30 I piss like a racehorse, and at 8:30 I shit like a pig. The trouble with me is, I don't wake up till eleven.”
*
A young playboy steps into a bar looking for some action. He's delighted to see a gorgeous blonde walk in, but she goes right past him, heads for a table in the back, and cozies up to an old, dirty derelict nursing a whisky. Five minutes later a lovely brunette comes into the bar, but she too makes a beeline for the back table and sits on the other side of the old alcoholic.
Quite at a loss, the young stud leans over and asks the bartender if he knows what's going on.
“I dunno,” says the bartender. “He comes in every day, orders a whisky, sits in the back, and licks his eyebrows.”
*
Why did God create men?
Because you can't teach a vibrator to mow the lawn.
*
A woman was throwing a costume party where everyone had to dress up as an emotion in order to be admitted. She was at the door when the first guest arrived, dressed in blue. “Aha,” she said. “I see you must be the blues.” The guest nodded and went inside. The next guest was in green, and she said, “I bet you're green with envy.” The guest nodded and went inside. The next guest showed up completely naked but had a bowl of custard strapped around his waist and his penis was stuck in the middle of it. The hostess couldn't figure out what he was, so she inquired. The guest replied, “I'm fucking disgusted.”
*
What's this? (Open your mouth wide and stick out your tongue.)
Blow-jobber's cramp.
*
A man at a nudist camp got a letter from his mom asking him for his picture. Since the only pictures he had were taken in the nude, he cut one in half and mailed her one from the waist up.
His mom wrote back after receiving the photo and said, “Can your grandma have one too?” The man thought, Since Grandma can't see well, I'll give her the bottom half. So he sent it.
After getting her grandson's picture, she wrote to him and said, “Nice picture, but your hairstyle makes your nose look long.”
*
A woman went into the neighborhood grocery store and asked the grocer for a can of cat food. The grocer knew the woman and knew that she didn't have a cat. So he asked why she was buying the cat food. The woman replied, “It's for my husband's lunch.” The grocer was shocked and said, “You can't feed cat food to your husband! It will kill him.”
“I've been giving it to him for a week now, and he really likes it!” she replied.
And so each day, the woman would come in and buy a can of cat food for her husband's lunch. One day the grocer happened to be scanning the obituary column of the local paper and noticed that the woman's husband had passed away. When she came into the store a few days later, he said to her, “I'm sorry to hear about your husband, but I told you that if you kept on giving him cat food it would kill him.”
The woman replied, “It wasn't the cat food that killed him. He broke his neck trying to lick his ass!”
*
Then there was a woman who was divorcing her husband on the grounds of “hobosexuality.”
“Don't you mean homosexuality,” her friend asked.
“No, hobosexuality. He's a bum fuck.”
*
A guy got a sunburn at a nude beach. Later, he found lovemaking unbearable, so he went to the kitchen, poured a tall glass of milk, and inserted himself. His girlfriend, watching from the door, said, “I've always wanted to know how men reloaded that thing!”
*
A new lumberjack had just finished his first month in the lonely wilds of Alaska, where there were no women for miles. He finally couldn't take it anymore and nervously asked the foreman what the men did to relieve the pressure.
“Try the hole in the barrel outside the shower,” suggested the foreman. “The men swear by it.”
The lumberjack dubiously tried it out and had the experience of his life. “That barrel is fantastic!” he said. “I'm going to use it every day!”
“Every day but Wednesday,” the foreman said.
“Why not Wednesday?”
“That's your day in the barrel.”
*
A man is very horny, but also very broke. He manages to scrape up two dollars, however, and goes to the local whorehouse. The madam looks at his money and laughs. She explains that for two dollars there's a special cheapskate room. She ushers him down the hall and shows him into a room, leaving and closing the door behind her. In the room is a full-length mirror and a duck. The man looks at this, and says to himself, I'm not going to fuck a duck. However, after thinking it over, he remembers how horny he is, and figures, What the hell, I'll try anything once. A week later, he's horny again, but even more broke. He goes to the whorehouse with his last dollar. The madam laughs and tells him that for one dollar he can't fuck anything, but he can see a good show. She ushers him into a room where several men are gathered around a one-way window, laughing and screeching. Approaching the window, the man sees a guy getting it on with a goat. Remembering last week, he uncomfortably says, “I don't see what's so funny.” One of the spectators turns to him and says, “It's not as funny as last week. We had a guy here who was doing it with a duck!”
*
What are the five worst things about being a penis?
—You have a hole in your head.
—You have permanent ring-around-the-collar.
—Your next-door neighbors are two nuts and an asshole.
—Your best friend is a cunt.
—Every time you get excited, you throw up.
Female Anatomy
Why did God give women nipples?
To make suckers out of men.
*
Why did the Detroit Lions hire two nuns and a prostitute for the new season?
Because they needed two tight ends and a wide receiver.
*
A fellow goes to confession and tells the priest, “Father, I've had an affair with another woman.”
“I see,” says the priest, looking grave. “But I cannot grant you absolution until you tell me who she is.”
“Well, okay, Father,” says the guy somewhat reluctantly. “Her name is Pussy Green, and she's a blonde and a knockout.”
The following Sunday this gorgeous blonde makes her way down the aisle and into the front pew. The priest takes a few good looks and finally asks the altar boy, “Son, is that Pussy Green?”
&nbs
p; The altar boy stoops down and peers, then says, “No, Father, I think that's just the reflection from the stained glass windows.”
*
Why are clams like women?
When the red tide comes, you don't eat them.
*
Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a flasher walked up to them and displayed his endowments. The first old lady had a stroke, the second old lady had a stroke, but the third old lady's arms were too short to reach.
*
Part of a certain Avon lady's territory included a ten-story high-rise apartment complex, and she had a favorite customer on the eighth floor. While on her way out of the elevator to pay a sales call, the Avon lady realized she was about to pass some gas. Looking around and not finding anyplace more appropriate, she quickly darted back into the empty elevator and relieved herself. The aroma was particularly lethal, so she rummaged through her Avon bag until she came across some pine-scented spray, with which she liberally doused the elevator.
By this time the elevator was back to the ground floor, and when the doors opened a drunk reeled in. The Avon lady tried to look nonchalant, pushing the button for the eighth floor, but the drunk kept sniffing around and eyeing her suspiciously. Finally she asked stiffly, “Is something wrong, sir?”
“Well I don't know about you, lady,” said the drunk, “but it smells like someone took a shit on a Christmas tree in here!”
*
How does a man know when he's eaten pussy well?
When he wakes up in the morning and his face looks like a glazed doughnut.
*
Three young women were hired by an insurance company on the same day. A year later the boss said each of them was due for a promotion, and that each woman would get her own office with her name on the door.
One day one of the women came in and found to her surprise and dismay that the other two had already moved into their own offices. Going into her boss's office, she asked when her own office would be provided.
He pulled back his chair from his desk and unzipped his fly. “See this?” he asked. “This is quality. And in this company, quality goes in before the name goes on.”
*
Did you hear about the new video game for women only, called Dick-Man?
You put in a quarter and get fucked.
*
Two old ladies are sitting on their rocking chairs out in front of the nursing home when Lucy turns to her friend and asks, “Mildred, do you remember the minuet?”
“Good heavens, no,” replies Mildred. “I don't even remember the ones I fucked.”
*
I've got a joke so funny it'll make your breasts fall off:
Oh... I see you've already heard it.
*
Bert and Ethel were debating whether they should get a house pet, and if so, what kind. At long last Bert decided a bear would be just the thing, but Ethel was skeptical. “Honey,” she said, “where will the bear eat?”
“No problem,” said Bert. “We'll train him to eat at the table with us.”
“But where will it go to the bathroom?”
“Don't worry, Ethel, we'll train it to use the toilet just like we do.”
“Well, where will the bear sleep?”
“He can sleep with us,” was Bert's answer.
“Sleep with us!” shrieked Ethel. “What about the smell?”
“Now Ethel,” soothed Bert, “he'll get used to it—I did.”
*
What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A cherry float.
*
What do you do when your Kotex catches fire?
Throw it on the floor and tampon it.
*
There are three women on the fast track in a particular company. The president realizes it's time to promote one of them, but they're all so competent he's not sure which to choose. So he devises a little test. One day while they're all at lunch, he places $500 on each of their desks.
#1 returns it to him immediately.
#2 invests in the market and returns $1,500 to him the next morning.
#3 pockets it.
Who gets the promotion? The one with the big tits!
*
What's 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1?
Bo Derek getting older.
*
There was this young woman who was really depressed because she was so flat-chested. One day her fairy godmother appeared and offered to grant her most heartfelt wish.
“I want big tits,” said the young woman instantly.
“All right, my dear,” said the fairy godmother. “From this moment on, every time a man says ‘Pardon’ to you, they'll get bigger.”
The next day the woman is walking down the street, lost in thought, when she bumps into a policeman.
“Pardon me,” says the cop politely.
Her tits grow an inch. She's ecstatic. A few days later she goes into a supermarket and comes out with a huge bag of groceries, which she drops when she bumps into a checkout clerk.
“Pardon me,” says the clerk, bending over to help her collect her purchases.
Her tits grow another inch. She's beside herself with joy. She goes into a Chinese restaurant and collides with a waiter, who bows and says, “Oh, I beg of you a thousand pardons.”
The newspaper headlines the next day proclaim: “CHINESE WAITER KILLED BY TWO TORPEDOES!”
*
Did you hear about the new douche powder made of alum, LSD, and Kentucky Fried Chicken batter?
It's uptight, outasight, and finger-lickin’ good.
*
What's the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?
You can unscrew a light bulb.
*
What do fat girls and mopeds have in common?
They're both fun to ride until a friend sees you.
*
Why are women giving up bowling for screwing?
The balls are lighter and you don't have to change your shoes.
*
What's the difference between a job and a wife?
After five years, the job still sucks.
*
How do you make paper dolls?
Screw an old bag.
*
What's the white stuff you find in women's panties?
Clitty litter.
*
Bumper sticker: Support E.R.A.— make him sleep on the wet spot.
*
What do you call a rehabilitation home for ex-prostitutes?
An all-the-way house.
*
Definition of a wife: “An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.”
*
How are an oven and a woman alike?
You have to get them both hot before you can stick the meat in.
*
Remember what's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper? (Getting fingered by Captain Hook.) Well, you know what's worse than that?
Getting eaten out by Jaws.
*
What's the purpose of a bellybutton?
To put your gum in on the way down.
*
What's the last sound you hear before a pubic hair hits the ground?
(Make a spitting sound.)
*
Why was the stamp commemorating prostitution so unpopular?
You had to pay an extra ten cents to lick it.
*
What's the difference between a hormone and an enzyme?
You can't hear an enzyme.
*
How do you make a hormone?
Put sand in the Vaseline.
*
What's a cunt that talks back?
An answering cervix.
*
What do you give an eighty-year-old woman for her birthday?
Mikey... He'll eat anything.
*
What do you call a woman who uses too much contraceptive cream?
A spermicidal m
aniac.
*
Once during her summer vacation the Bionic Woman took an overnight train journey. She entered her berth without noticing that the man in the berth above hers was peeping through the curtains. The fellow was quite chagrined to see her remove her wig, false eyelashes, glass eye, padded brassiere, mechanical hand, and bionic leg. When she turned around to pull up the covers she saw the peeping Tom and cried out in alarm, “Oh, my goodness! What do you want?”
“You know damn well what I want,” he snarled. “Unscrew it and toss it up here!”
*
A newlywed couple check into a quiet, out-of-the-way lakeside hotel. The clerk and the bellhop tip broad winks at each other, smiling in anticipation of the honeymoon antics to come. But lo and behold, in the middle of the night (their first) who but the groom tromps down the stairs fully laden with fishing gear! This happens again on the second and third nights. The clerk and bellhop can contain their curiosity no longer:
“You're fishing in the middle of the night on your honeymoon? Why aren't you up making love to your wife?”
The groom looked bewildered. “Make love to her? Oh no, she's got gonorrhea.”
Embarrassed silence. “Oh. What about anal sex?”
“Oh no, she's got diarrhea/’
“I see. Well, there's oral sex”
“Oh no. She's got pyorrhea as well.” “Gonorrhea, diarrhea, and pyorrhea! Why, may I ask, did you marry her?”
“Because she's got worms and I just love to fish.”
*
So the teacher instructs her third-grade class to give a three-syllable word and use it in a sentence. Several pupils raise their hands, including dirty Johnny. Teacher passes him over and chooses Sally.
“Beautiful,” Sally says. “My teacher is beautiful!”
“Why, thank you,” the teacher replies. “Anyone else?” Again, several hands, including Johnny's, are waving. She chooses Mary.
Truly Tasteless Jokes Three Page 4