“Wonderful. My teacher is wonderful!” Again the teacher thanks her student, and asks for another answer. Reluctantly, she chooses Johnny.
“Urinate,” says Johnny.
“Johnny!!” the teacher replies, shocked.
“Urinate, but if your tits were bigger, you'd be a ten!”
*
A couple were indulging in sexual intercourse and the man noticed that with each movement of his pelvis, his partner's toes would rise. Later that night, while going at it pretty hot and heavy in the shower, her toes remained still. Confused, he asked, “Why is it that when we do it in the bed, your toes go up, but when we do it in the shower, they don't?”
“Silly,” she replied, “I take my pantyhose off in the shower!”
*
First Woman: “This is very embarrassing, but every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm.”
Second Woman: “You poor dear! Are you taking anything for that?”
First Woman: “Snuff.”
Herpes
How does herpes leave the hospital?
On crotches.
*
Seen the new bumper sticker?
Herpes, the love bug.
*
A man was out walking his dog, and a woman stopped to admire the animal. “What's your dog's name?” she asked.
“Herpes,” replied the dog's owner.
“How ... odd,” said the woman. “Why Herpes?”
“Because he won't heel.”
*
What do you call an Indian with herpes?
Chief Running Sore.
*
What do you get when you fuck a Coke?
Burpies.
*
What's the difference between a midget con artist and a case of herpes?
One's a cunning runt.
*
A Polish man made the acquaintance of a young woman in a bar, and she accepted his invitation to come back to his apartment. After a few drinks and some soft music the Pole suggested retiring to the bedroom, and the young woman was willing. Soon they were going at it hot and heavy.
Right in the middle of everything the Pole stopped dead, looked at her, and said, “Hey, you don't have herpes, do you?”
“NO!” she said. “Why would you ask that?”
“That's a relief,” said the Pole. “The last girl didn't tell me until it was too late.”
Leper
Why did the leper fail his driving test?
He left his foot on the gas.
*
What did the leper who was trying to lift something heavy say to the other leper?
“Give me a hand.”
*
“Mrs. Morris, can Scotty come out to play?”
“Now, children, you know Scotty has leprosy.”
“Well, can we come in and watch him rot?”
*
Did you hear about the leper who robbed a house?
He was doing fine until the dog started barking, and then he went all to pieces.
*
A leper who was so ashamed of his appearance that he hadn't been out of the house in ten years was finally persuaded to take his family out to a restaurant in the neighborhood. While waiting for his order, he noticed a man in the corner pointing and laughing. “What's so funny, buddy?” the leper asked, walking over to him.
“Nothing at all,” replied the man, but no sooner had the leper sat down again than he noticed a woman cracking up at another table. “You got a problem, lady?” he asked, but she just kept shaking her head until he sat down again.
When a third person, a pleasant-looking young man, started roaring with laughter, the leper was unable to contain himself. Grabbing the young man by the lapels, he hissed, “Why the hell are all you people laughing at me?”
“Oh, it's not you,” assured the young man, wiping the tears from his eyes. “It's the fellow behind you dipping his bread in your back.”
*
What's the leper theme song?
“Put Your Head on My Shoulders.”
And the runner-up?
“I Wanna Hold Your Hand.”
*
What do you call a leper with herpes?
Redundant.
*
What do you call a leper with herpes who also has AIDS?
Trendy.
*
How did the leper castrate himself?
Jerking off.
*
How come the leper couldn't speak?
The cat got his tongue.
*
Why was the leper kicked off the relay team?
He lost the last leg.
*
How come no one in the leper colony could walk after the war?
Because they were defeated.
*
Did you hear about the leper colony against nuclear proliferation?
They're already disarmed.
*
How come the leper couldn't tie his new, expensive running shoes?
They cost him an arm and a leg.
*
Why did the leper pitcher retire?
He threw his arm out.
*
What's small, green, and falls apart?
A leperchaun.
*
Did you hear about the new social program in the leper colony?
Government handouts.
*
How do you make a skeleton?
Put a leper in a wind tunnel.
And how do you make leper sausage?
Put a sock at the other end.
*
What did the captain say to the leper crew?
All hands on deck.
Homosexual
Know what GAY stands for?
Got AIDS Yet?
*
What do you call a faggot in a wheelchair?
Rolaids.
*
A gay guy came into his doctor's office and said, “Doc, I think I've got VD.”
“From whom?” asked the doctor.
“How should I know? You think I've got eyes in the back of my head?”
*
Two gay guys are standing looking out at the river, watching the boats go by. “Say, Larry,” says Pete, “what kind of boat is that one, the one with all the cars on it?”
“You silly,” answers Larry. “That's a ferry boat.”
“Wow,” says Pete. “I knew we were popular, but I didn't know we had our own navy!”
*
If there were a fag on your back, would you beat him off?
*
Hear about the new disease gay musicians are coming down with?
Bandaids.
*
Three gays were discussing what they thought their favorite sport would be. The first decides on football, ‘cause of all those gorgeous guys bending over in their tight pants.
“Definitely wrestling,” sighs the second guy. “Those skimpy little costumes, and think of the holds.”
“Definitely baseball,” says the third guy. “Why? Well, I'd be pitching with the bases loaded, the batter would hit a line drive right to me, I'd catch it, and I'd just stand there while the other guys rounded the bases. Meanwhile the crowd would be going crazy, screaming, ‘Throw the ball, you cocksucker!’ and that's what I like—recognition.”
*
Did you hear about the two Irish gays?
Patrick Fitzhenry and Henry Fitzpatrick.
*
Four faggots were sitting in a hot tub when a blob of semen rose to the surface. One said, “All right, who farted?”
*
In the bathroom on the 21st floor of the Empire State Building a faggot made the mistake of coming on to a musclebound Marine, who proceeded to throw him out the window. When the Marine came out onto the street he walked right past the fag lying bleeding in the gutter. Raising himself painfully on one elbow, the fag said, “Yoohoo— I'm not angry!”
*
What do fags drink?
*
Hear about the gay guy who went to the chair and wanted to blow the fuse?
*
How about the new breakfast cereal called Queerios?
You add milk and they eat themselves.
*
How do lesbians kiss?
With their lips.
*
These two gays wake up one morning and one of them says to the other, “This is terrible. One of us is simply going to have to get a job.” The other one says, “You're right. I'll go.” So he gets out of bed, takes a shower, and puts on a jacket and tie, but when he walks into the kitchen he sees his lover jerking off into a plastic bag.
“What are you doing that for?” he asks.
“Well,” says the first gay, “I didn't think you'd be coming home for lunch so I thought I'd pack you one.”
*
What do you call a fag with diarrhea?
A juicyfruit.
*
What do gay termites eat?
Woody Woodpeckers.
*
Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
He heard the snowblower coming.
*
A big tough guy whose wife has just left him is drowning his sorrow at the bar when a flamboyant faggot swishes up to him, simpers, and says, “Hey, wanna play some bar football?”
“Fuck off, faggot.”
“C'mon, big boy,” insists the fag. “Try bar football—you'll like it.”
Sunk in misery and self-pity, the guy finally gives in. “Fuck, what is it, anyway?”
“You down a pint of beer and that's a touchdown,” explains the fag excitedly, “then drop your pants and fart for the extra point.”
Feeling he has nothing to lose, the guy says, “Shit, okay.”
“I'll go first,” shrieks the gay, quickly downing his beer. “Touchdown, six points,” he yells, then just as quickly drops trou and emits a high, squeaky fart. “Seven to zip, your turn!”
The tough guy chugs his beer, then unenthusiastically pulls down his pants. In a flash the fag leaps behind him and sticks a finger up his ass, squealing, “Block that kick! Block that kick!”
*
What do you call a gay dentist?
A tooth fairy.
*
How do you get rid of crabs?
Find a faggot who likes seafood.
And if that doesn't work?
Shave off half your pubic hair. Get a match and a hammer. Set the rest of your pubic hair on fire, and when the crabs run out, beat them to death with the hammer.
*
Did you hear about the queer nail?
It lay in the road and blew a tire.
*
A gay guy walks into a bar in the Deep South with a huge German shepherd. When he walks up to the bar and asks for a scotch and water, the bartender looks him over and replies, “We don't serve your kind in here.”
“Say,” says the gay, “I'm pretty thirsty, and if I don't get a drink soon I'll sic my dog Killer on you.”
“Listen, faggot,” snarls the bartender. “Get out of here or I'll throw you out. And I ain't scared of your dog!”
“You've forced my hand,” says the gay, reaching down to unsnap the leash. “Go, Killer, get him!” So Killer jumps up on the counter and scratches the bartender's eyes out.
*
What's in the air in San Francisco that keeps women from getting pregnant?
Men's legs.
*
What's a fellatio teacher?
A headmaster.
*
Why don't faggots lean on baseball bats with their rear ends?
They're afraid it might get serious.
*
What's worse than a six-foot Negro with a switch blade?
A queer with a chipped tooth.
*
Three gays were sitting around and the conversation turned to their innermost fantasies.
“I'd like to be a flower and be thmelled by everyone,” lisped the first.
“Fabulous,” ejaculated the second, adding, “I'd like to be an ice cream cone and have everyone take a slurp.”
“How naive,” squealed the third. “I'd like to be an ambulance: My rear doors would be opened wide, the patient would be shoved in, and I'd shriek, “OOOH-AAAH-OOOH-AAAH-OOOH-AAAH”
*
A truck driver is rolling down the interstate when he sees two fags hitchhiking, and, being a nice guy, he stops to pick them up. A couple of miles down the road, the first fag asks politely, “May I fart?”
“Sure,” says the truck driver heartily. “Blow your ass out.” So the fag lets loose one HUGE fart, so juicy that all the windows steam up. A few miles later, the second fag inquires of the truck-driver whether he can cut one also.
“Go right ahead,” says the trucker. “My wife puts plenty of holes in these seats.” So the second fag lets loose one even juicier than the first fag's.
A little later, when the windows have cleared, the truck driver says, “Would you guys mind if I farted?” Reassured to the contrary, he farts, but it's so tiny it can hardly even be heard.
Looking at each other knowingly, the fags say in unison, “We know who's a virgin!”
*
What did the gay paramedic give his lover?
First AIDS.
*
What do you call a black fag in a wheelchair?
Cool AIDS.
*
What do you get if you listen to too many obscene phone calls?
Hearing AIDS.
*
What do you call a gay bar with no stools?
A fruit stand.
*
Did you hear that Ben Hur had a sex change operation?
Now he's Ben Gay.
*
Two gays are walking down the street one day when they pass a particularly handsome man.
“See that guy who just walked by,” said one of the gay men. “He's a good fuck.”
“No shit?” exclaimed his friend.
“Well, hardly any.”
*
What do you call a couple of gay lawyers?
Legal AIDS.
*
Four men in a bar are having an argument over whose cock is bigger. After a while the bartender tires of these men yelling and not drinking, so he says, “Okay, you guys, unzip and whip ‘em out onto the bar.” As they do so, a little fag walks in. “Oh, my!” he exclaims.
“Whadda you want?” the bartender asks the fag.
“Well, I was going to have a Black Russian, but now I think I'll have the buffet.”
*
Did you hear about the gay guy who flew to London?
He was heartbroken when he found out Big Ben was a clock!
*
Did you hear about the new gay bar?
It's called Boys-r-us.
“Mommy, Mommy”
“Mommy, Mommy, can I lick the bowl?”
“Shut up and flush the toilet.”
*
“Mommy, Mommy, can I buy a new dress?”
“You know it won't fit over your iron lung.”
*
“Mommy, Mommy, this doesn't taste like tomato juice.”
“Shut up and drink it before it clots.”
*
“Mommy, Mommy, why do I keep going in circles?”
“Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor.”
*
“Mommy, Mommy, do we have to visit Grandma again?”
“Shut up and keep digging.”
*
“Mommy, Mommy, I don't want hamburger for dinner.”
“Shut up or I'll stick your other arm in the meat grinder.”
*
“Mommy, Mommy, do we have to have spaghetti again tonight?”
“Shut up or m pull the veins out of your other leg.”
*
“Mommy, Mommy, why can't I play with the other kids?”
“Shut
up and deal.”
*
“Mommy, Mommy, why is everyone running away?”
“Shut up and reload.”
Religion
Sister Mary Ignatius was quite flattered to be invited by the bishop to play golf one Saturday afternoon. When the bishop missed a putt on the 16th hole, however, she was shocked to hear him say, “Fuckin’ shit, I missed!”
“I'm deeply ashamed of you,” said a white-faced Sister Mary Ignatius.
The bishop shot her a dirty look and went on toward the 17th hole. Not long afterward he exclaimed, “Fuckin’ shit, I missed!”
“I'm warning you, Bishop,” said the nun piously. “God will strike you down if you don't stop using that kind of language.”
The bishop also missed the crucial putt on the 18th hole, and uttered the same curses at full volume. Suddenly there was a deafening clap of thunder, a blinding flash of lightning, and the nun disappeared.
A few seconds later boomed a voice from the heavens, “FUCKIN’ SHIT, I MISSED!”
*
A nun walked into the corner liquor store and asked the proprietor for a fifth of whisky.
“Sister, now how would it look for a respectable fellow like me to sell alcohol to a nun?” was the reply.
The woman leaned over the counter and whispered conspiratorially, “It's really for the Mother Superior's constipation.”
The store owner thought it over and decided to sell it to her since it was for medicinal purposes, but only on condition that she hide it in a paper bag and not tell anyone.
An hour later the store owner closed up and walked outside, only to immediately come across the nun on a park bench, roaring drunk.
Truly Tasteless Jokes Three Page 5