“Sister,” he said angrily, “you know I only sold you that whisky because it was to ease Mother Superior's constipation.”
“It ish,” slurred the nun. “When she sees me, she'll shit.”
*
What's another reason God created the orgasm?
Because He couldn't wait for the second coming.
*
Two leprechauns arrived at the convent door and asked to speak with the Mother Superior. Led into her office, the first one asked respectfully, “Excuse me, your holiness, but are there any leprechaun nuns at this convent?”
Receiving a reply in the negative, he asked whether any leprechaun nuns were to be found in the neighboring parish. Again the reply was no.
The tiny man scratched his head and posed a final question. “Beggin’ your pardon, Mother Superior, but would you know of any leprechaun nuns at all, anywhere?” The nun shook her head.
At which the second leprechaun shook the first by the shoulders, and shouted, “You see! You see! I told you you fucked a penguin!”
*
What's the difference between Jesus Christ and an oil painting?
You only need one nail to hang up a painting.
*
A priest and a rabbi decided to pool their money and buy a car, since neither could afford one on his own. On the day of the purchase, they made an agreement at the Toyota dealership that the vehicle would not be more of one religion than of the other.
The priest was a very devout fellow, however, and the very first night, unaware of the rabbi spying on him through the keyhole, he snuck into the garage and sprinkled a little holy water on the hood.
The next night, very cautiously, the rabbi tiptoed into the garage. Hacksaw in hand, he proceeded to take four inches off the tailpipe—
*
What do you get when you mix holy water with castor oil?
A religious movement.
*
A man is driving along a country road when his car breaks down. He has it towed to the nearest repair shop, which happens to be next door to a convent. Told that the car will take an hour to fix, he pays a visit to the convent and ends up spending the hour in bed with young Sister Angela. As they finish their lovemaking they hear someone coming, so the man sprints off naked over the convent wall while Sister Angela ditches his clothes in the laundry room.
That night all the nuns are called together to a special meeting, and a chorus of gasps follow the Mother Superior's announcement that a man's clothing had been found inside the convent.
“We found a man's shirt!” thunders the head nun. All the nuns gasp, but a single giggle escapes from Sister Angela.
“And we found a man's trousers!” continues Mother Superior. All the nuns gasp; Sister Angela giggles.
“And we found a man's underwear!” All the nuns gasp; Sister Angela giggles.
“And we found a condom!” Again a chorus of gasps, and a single giggle from the back of the room.
“And,” goes on the Mother Superior, “we found a hole in the condom!”
And all the nuns giggle as Sister Angela gasps.
*
What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?
Popeye almost killed him.
*
A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane when the captain announced a little engine trouble ... and a little rough weather ... and finally suggested that anyone on board who is religiously inclined say their last prayers. The priest fell to his knees in the aisle, and as he crossed himself he noticed the rabbi doing the same thing. So when the plane leveled off and things began to look more hopeful, he turned to the rabbi and said smugly, “So, when you truly feared death, you turned to Almighty Jesus for solace!”
“Not at all.” The rabbi smiled, repeating his gestures. “The usual check: spectacles, testicles, money, and cigars!”
*
An unwed pregnant girl went to the doctor for an abortion, but found to her dismay that things were too far along. “Don't worry,” said the kind-hearted doctor, “when your time comes, go into the hospital and have the baby. There's sure to be someone in for a gallbladder operation, and we'll give her the baby and tell her it wasn't her gallbladder after all.”
She followed his plan, but when the baby was born the only gallbladder case in the hospital was a middle-aged priest. What the hell, thought the doctor, I'll give it a try. So he presented the baby to the priest, who was overjoyed. “This is an act of God,” he exclaimed happily and took the infant home. They lived a contented life together for twenty years, until the priest found himself on his deathbed.
He called the boy in and said, “My son, I must tell you something. I'm not really your father— I'm your mother. The bishop is your father.”
*
What do they make from frozen holy water?
Popesicles.
*
Jesus, Moses, and an old man are playing golf. Moses tees up and hits his ball into the water trap. Nonplussed, he goes over to the lake, parts the water with his club, and hits his ball onto the green.
Jesus tees up next, and also manages to land in the water trap. So he walks down to the lake, across the water, and hits his ball out onto the green.
Last to tee up is the old man, whose ball heads straight for the water. As the ball hits the surface a fish jumps up and swallows it but is immediately grabbed by an eagle, which deposits the fish on the green. The ball shoots out of the fish's mouth and rolls into the cup.
Jesus turns around and says, “Nice shot, Dad, but would you quit fucking around and play golf?”
*
Three nuns are waiting for an audience with Mother Theresa. The first nun goes in and says, “Forgive me, Mother, but I've seen a man's privates.”
“Go wash your eyes in holy water,” says Mother Theresa.
The second nun confesses to Mother Theresa that she has touched a man's privates. “My child,” says the elderly nun, “go wash your hands in holy water.”
The two nuns are busy with their penance when the third nun comes over and says, “Watch out, girls—I gotta gargle.”
*
There was bad flooding in New Orleans one spring, and the water was up to the porch of the parish priest's house when a jeep drove by to pick him up. “Don't save me, save someone more needy,” said the devout old man.
Eight hours later the water was up past the second story and the priest was on the roof when the rescue boat came by. “Go save someone else,” he said.
After another eight hours the water was up to the man's chin, and a helicopter came by with a rope. “No, no,” he said, “save someone else first,” and he resumed his prayers. About ten minutes later he drowned, of course, and went to heaven. It wasn't until two weeks later that he got to meet God.
“God,” he said, “what happened? I've been a believer all my life and I just knew that You would save me.”
God answered, “Well, you damn fool, first I sent a jeep, then a boat, and then a helicopter!”
*
A black greets a fellow black on the street: “Hey, mothafuckah!”
“Good morning, Reverend.”
*
Every Sunday down in Macon, Georgia, this Southern Baptist, a good ol’ boy, picks up the minister to take him to church. One morning the fellow notices a bunch of black guys hanging out by the side of the road. He's dying to run them over, but he doesn't quite dare, since the minister's in the car right next to him. So he takes out his handkerchief and, pretending to sneeze, swerves wildly over the sidewalk.
“Did I hit any? Did I hit any?” he asks, trying to instill a note of genuine panic into his voice.
“Naw,” drawled the minister, “but I got two of the muthas with the door.”
*
Why don't black women make good nuns?
They can't say “superior” after “mother.”
*
An insurance salesman dies and goes to heaven, only to fi
nd a long, long line waiting at the pearly gates. He waits and waits for hours, talking to the others in line: cops, clerks, and people from all professions. As they are talking, they see a man dressed in white, carrying a medical bag, approach the head of the line. He says a couple of words to St. Peter and is immediately ushered into heaven. The salesman is irate. He wasn't pushed around in life, and he doesn't want to get pushed around now. He makes his way to the head of the line and lets St. Peter have it. “I've been waiting here for hours, and some damn doctor pushes his way into heaven. What gives?” St. Peter replies, “Don't get so upset. That was just God playing doctor.”
*
A nervous young priest, about to deliver his first sermon, asks an older priest how he might calm down a bit. He advises the young priest to fill the water pitcher with martinis. Well, the new priest preaches up a storm, and afterwards he asks the older priest what he thought.
“You did very well, but I have just a few criticisms:
—There are ten commandments, not twelve.
—There are twelve apostles, not ten.
—David slew Goliath; he did not ‘kick the shit out of Goliath.’
—Next week there is a taffy pull at St. Peter's, not a Peter pull at St. Taffy's.
—The holy cross is not to be referred to as ‘the Big T.’
—Please do not refer to Our Savior Jesus Christ and the apostles as ‘J.C. and the boys.’
—And restrain yourself from calling the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost ‘Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.’
—And lastly, kindly do not call the Blessed Virgin Mary ‘Mary with the cherry.’”
Cruelty to Animals
Mr. Johnson went out on his annual hunting expedition and actually succeeded in bagging a pheasant. He proudly brought it home and did his best to clean it, and that night the family sat down to a pheasant dinner. After a few mouthfuls his wife jumped up and ran for the bathroom. She came back a few minutes later and said, “Honey, there were little black things in my shit. What do you think it could be?”
“Uh oh,” said Mr. Johnson, “I guess I didn't clean the pheasant out too well. Just keep an eye out for the birdshot while you're eating.”
About five minutes later his daughter dashed for the bathroom. She came out crying, “Daddy, Daddy, there's black things floating in my pee!”
“Pellets again—I'm really sorry. Don't worry, they won't hurt you,” he reassured her.
Soon enough his son strolled off, coming back to the table ten minutes later. “What's wrong with you, Billy?” asked Mr. Johnson.
“I was jerking off and I shot the dog.”
*
You know what elephants use for tampons, right?
Sheep.
But do you know why elephants have trunks?
Because sheep don't have strings.
*
Why don't chickens wear underwear?
Because their peckers are on their faces.
*
What kind of bees give the most milk?
Boo bees.
*
“Daddy, what are those two dogs doing?”
“Uhh ... one's sick and the other one's pushing him to the hospital.”
*
One day Father O'Malley was walking through the park when he came upon an enchanting scene. A beautiful little girl with long blond hair, deep blue eyes, and a dainty white lace dress was playing under a tree with her adorable little dog.
What a lovely picture, thought Father O'Malley to himself. Walking over, he asked, “Child, what is your name?”
“Blossom,” she replied.
“What a fitting name,” exclaimed Father O'Malley. “And how did your parents come to choose such a pretty name?”
“Well, one day when I was still in my mommy's tummy she was lying under this very tree when a blossom fell and landed on her stomach. She thought it was a message from God and decided that if I were a girl, my name would be Blossom,” explained the little girl sweetly.
How charming, thought the priest. He started to walk away, then turned back. “And the name of your little dog?” he inquired.
“Porky,” was the child's reply.
Again he asked her how the unusual name had been chosen.
“Because he likes to fuck pigs.”
*
What's the best way to catch a fish?
Have someone throw it to you.
*
Did you hear about the Purdue student who was majoring in animal husbandry?
They caught him at it.
*
A bear and a rabbit are taking a crap in the woods. The bear looks over at the rabbit and asks, “Say, does shit ever stick to your fur?”
“No.”
So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.
*
An Alabama deputy sheriff went fishing on his day off. As he sat on the riverbank, a kid came walking by. Spying a frog, the kid grabbed it, took out his pocket knife, and said, “Frog, I's gon’ cut yo’ legs off!” Then he said, “Frog, after I gets done cuttin’ yo legs off, I's gon’ stick this here Popsicle stick up yo’ rear end! And then, Frog ...”
This was too much for the deputy. He stood up, grabbed the kid, and said, “Looka heah, boy, whatever you do to that frog, I'm gonna do to you!”
The kid said, “Frog, dis here's yo’ lucky day, ‘cause I's gon’ kiss yo’ ass.”
*
How do you make a bull sweat?
Give him a tight jersey.
*
Female centipede (crossing her legs): “For the 100th time, no!”
*
What did Tarzan say when the elephants came over the hill?
“The elephants are coming! The elephants are coming!”
What did Tarzan say when the elephants came over the hill with glasses on?
Nothing. He didn't recognize them.
*
How do you eat a frog?
Put one leg over each ear.
*
Have you heard of the new Oriental cookbook?
It's called 101 Ways to Wok Your Dog.
*
What did the goldfish say to the Polack?
“We don't swim in your john, so please don't pee in our pool.”
*
A street corner violinist heard a grunt and turned to see two dogs screwing. The one on top said to him, “Well, don't just stand there—play Bolero.”
*
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
It was dead.
*
What's the big drag about fucking a cow?
You have to climb down from the stump and walk around front every time you want to kiss her.
*
What do you call an experimental monkey in a Cuisinart?
Rhesus Pieces.
*
A young woman had recently moved into a condominium in a very elite part of town, when she decided that what she needed to go with her posh new surroundings was a new pet. Not just any ordinary pet, but an exotic one that would fit in with her new abode. The woman went into a nearby pet store and asked the owner what he had in the way of exotic pets.
“Well,” said the pet store owner, “I'm afraid all that I have left to offer you is a bullfrog that sells for five hundred dollars.”
“Five hundred dollars!” exclaimed the woman. “For a bullfrog? What could possibly make a bullfrog worth five hundred dollars?” she asked.
“Well,” said the store owner sheepishly, “this bullfrog is trained in the art of cunnilingus.”
“Now that sounds intriguing,” said the woman. After a moment or two of thought, she handed over the five hundred dollars and ran home, anxious to see her new pet perform.
As soon as she got home, she quickly undressed, lay on the bed, legs spread, and placed the frog between her thighs. The frog sat motionless, refusing to budge.
“Brrrrp,” croaked the bullfrog, but it remained still. The woman nudged the frog a few
times, but the frog remained motionless, letting out an occasional “Brrrrp,” but nothing more.
Furious, the woman threw on her bathrobe, frog in hand, and stormed out of her condo and down the street to the pet store.
“I want my money back!” she yelled, slamming the poor bullfrog down on the counter top.
“I beg your pardon?” asked the store owner.
“You told me this damn bullfrog was trained in the art of cunnilingus. Well, I took him home and he does nothing but croak.”
“Are you quite sure?” asked the owner.
Incensed at this point, the woman threw off her bathrobe, jumped up on the counter, put the frog between her legs as before, and waited.
“Brrrrp,” croaked the frog, motionless.
“See!” cried the woman. “I told you.”
At which point the store owner stuck his head between the woman's legs and whispered in the frog's ear, “All right, you little son of a bitch, I'm going to show you just one more time.”
*
Two men axe standing around talking while nearby a large hound lay licking his balls. One man says to the other, “Gee, I wish I could do that.” The other man replies, “I think you should get to know him first.”
*
If an elephant's front legs were going 60 mph, what would its back legs be doing?
Hauling ass, baby, hauling ass.
*
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
Miscellaneous
What’s the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
The taste.
*
What's the definition of “thorny”?
A thailor at thea.
*
Why did the undertaker serve cola at the funeral?
Coke adds life.
*
What's the difference between like and love?
Truly Tasteless Jokes Three Page 6