“Don’t you remember this morning? When you were so upset in your sleep, the only time you settled down was when you were in my arms.”
“Really?”
“Yes, baby, really. As soon as you realized I was holding you, your nightmare began to fade. Your tears slowed, and your breathing began to return to normal as well.”
“Zack, I’m so sorry I woke you…”
“Katie, when are you going to realize that we are in this together? I love you. We can handle anything as long as we do it together.”
“I want to believe that, I really do. But…”
“Let’s just try, Katie. What do you have to lose?”
“You.”
“Highly unlikely. I find that I have a hard time living without you. Just ask everyone around me. I screamed more today than I have in the entire time I’ve been in office.”
“You screamed? You?”
“Hard to believe, I know. I also hung up on your mother. I may have yelled at her, too.”
Mouth gaping open, she looked up at me as I tightened my hold around her.
“You screamed at my mother?”
“Yelled, not screamed.”
“I’m sorry, you yelled at my mother? Why?”
“She wouldn’t tell me where you were, and I was freaking out. She just said you were fine. I thought my heart was literally beating out of my chest, and she was so calm about you being alright. I wanted to come through the phone and shake some sense into her.”
“Holy cow. I could just picture you doing that.”
Her giggles sounded so much better than her crying that I smiled back.
“Why are you here, Zack?”
My grin faded with the question.
“You are in pain! That’s why I’m here for you. We do this together! How hard is that to comprehend?”
“Whoa! Hang on one minute. You need to calm down. I’m having a difficult enough day, and it’s not even nine in the morning.”
“Sorry, it’s just…”
“Just what?”
“It’s just, I know we can figure this out together.”
“There’s that word again.”
“Maybe you don’t like the word?”
“No, it’s definitely not the word. It’s the concept.”
“Let’s get this straight right now, because I’m sick of this.”
I was beginning to snap, and I was sure she could feel it radiating off of me.
“I already know your meaning, Zack. It’s just that I never felt anyone stayed long enough to hold up to together.”
Holy shit. I finally realized that the issue wasn’t her understanding; it was my commitment to her.
Well, I was just about get that through to her.
“Marry me.”
“What did you just say?”
“Marry me.”
Chapter Eight
“No!”
I just couldn’t think with so many people around. How could anyone figure out what they wanted to do with their life with so many people chattering away?
“So, you said no? To Zack?”
My mom, darling woman that she was, thought it was best that we talk at the café instead of her house. Why? I was pretty sure it was some form of torture. Right now, I couldn’t imagine where her head seemed to be. Other than her tuna sandwich, that was.
“What?!”
I was exasperated that she had the audacity to question me at a time like this.
“Zack!”
“What about him?”
“You said no to him when he popped the question?”
Her face was doing that weird thing it did whenever one of her kids tuned her out. Eyebrows bunched, cheeks bright red, and her lips pressed in such a way that it appeared as if she didn’t have any. Was it a mother thing? Did they all do this at some point? I had seen my sisters do this with their kids, but figured it was just brought on with years of practice.
“Hello! Earth to Katie!”
Her hands were waving so close to my face that I thought she was about to collide with my nose.
“Jesus, MOM! What the heck are you doing?”
I was nearly screaming at the top of my lungs when I realized how close her hands were waving in front of my face.
“Sorry, but you just zoned out on me. I thought we came to lunch to discuss whatever it is going on with the two of you, but now it appears that my talking has sent you into a tranced or zombie state.”
“Ha-ha. You’re real funny.”
I took a bite of my turkey salad sandwich, wishing it was a greasy cheeseburger instead, but I couldn’t afford the calories on top of everything else, so turkey it would be for the unforeseeable future.
“Maybe I should find another table to sit at. Who knows, maybe a stranger would enjoy my company more.”
“Getting on my nerves now, Mother.”
“Right back at ya, dear.”
She ripped a piece off her sandwich, emphasizing her exasperation at my indifference to her dramatics.
“Start from the beginning, and tell me what happened.”
We had been over this all morning, but somehow my explanation didn’t seem to be getting through.
Then the tears began to fall, again. I was so sick of crying, but it seemed to be all I could do these days. My mom was too focused on her sandwich to notice my turmoil at first.
I couldn’t do this anymore. I just couldn’t do any of it.
“Oh, God, honey, I’m so sorry.”
It took me a moment before I looked up through my blurry eyes to see her face. She looked profoundly concerned. Her expression was similar to what I imagined the other patrons at the café were displaying seeing a woman break down over her turkey salad sandwich. Total embarrassment washed over me at the thought.
“Mom, I can’t do this.”
“I can see that, honey. I’ll get the check.”
It wasn’t exactly what I’d meant when I said I couldn’t do this, but I would take the win and get out the door while I still had some semblance of self-control. Our sandwiches were forgotten as we headed back to my mom’s house down the block. Walking was soothing for the soul, she’d told me when we had left her place earlier. Now I wished we had a vehicle where I could hide myself away. I didn’t want anyone to see me like this.
Once we finally made it back to the house I was a complete wreck, a shell of the strong woman I’d trained myself to be over the years since leaving Randall. Randall. What I ever saw in that man baffled me now. How could I have not seen the person he really was? Why had I been so naïve, so blind to his true nature?
“If you keep beating yourself up over Randall, you’ll never be able to be truly happy again.”
It was like she could see into my head. Just like Zack. A smile formed from deep in my heart, a place I once I thought would be sad forever. I could feel the warmth spread through my insides. I basked in the comforting feeling, wrapping myself with love and happiness just at the thought of him. My Zack.
Oh, God… Zack. What had I done?
“Shit!”
I jumped out of my chair, realizing for the first time that I simply couldn’t live without him. How could I be so stupid? Zack wasn’t Randall. They were polar opposites in every way! Zack was warm and loving, kind and dependable, and the best version of myself came out when I was with him. He showed me love, and not just telling me how he loved me. He made me feel it with every fiber of his being.
Oh, God! He had asked me to marry him and I… What? I had just done nothing! When he had proposed to me yesterday, I had completely gone blank, so caught up in the possibility that the nightmares from my past could happen all over again. Well, no more! I wanted to be free, and I wanted to be loved. More than anything, though, I wanted to love someone who actually deserved my love.
“I gotta go, Mom.”
“What? Where?”
“I can’t explain. Talk later?”
“Of course, honey. Just be careful.”
&
nbsp; We were all on edge, knowing Randall knew exactly where we were, but none of us wanted to leave this place. My family had chosen how I left when I did all those years ago, but this time it looked like I was the one that had decided where we’d end up.
I loved Meadow Pines for its rich heritage and family values, which brought out the best in everyone in the community, including my family. I chose to be friends with Zack for his generosity and kindheartedness. My relationship with him had transformed into something remarkable: us being together. We had courted without even realizing it, and had begun dating when he’d initiated the invitation to spend more time together. I chose to keep seeing him even though my emotional rough patches were a big concern for me. Could I now let those rough patches allow me to walk away from the most wonderful man I had ever known? No, I couldn’t. So, once again, I chose to stay. I also chose to say yes. Yes, I would marry Zack—if he would still have me, that was.
Running toward my car, fuzzy as to how to make this work, I just knew that once I found Zack, we would figure it all out…together. I would probably never live that last part down, but it seemed as though all that talking about doing things together had sunk in, because I now realized exactly what he’d meant. Sure, my epiphany had come a little later than he’d hoped, but I truly got it now.
Deciding to forget the car, I ran all the way to the courthouse and past security toward the third-floor offices, not even bothering to take the elevators, since that would only slow me down. Or make me stop to consider what I was doing. Right now, I was just desperate to find him and tell him how much I couldn’t live without him.
“Whoa, young lady where’s the fire?”
I barely heard the gentleman speak before I brushed past him toward the third door on the left. Pushing the double doors open, I found Zack sitting behind his desk, with his head in his hands. At the sound of my footsteps echoed throughout the small space, he picked his head up and looked at me in surprise.
“Katie.”
“Wait! Let me talk.”
I stopped just inside the room, turning and closing the doors as people began to make their way into the hallway to see what all the noise was about.
“Katie, I…”
I held up my hands as I came around to stand before him, halting his words. I was hopeful that since he seemed ready to let me talk, I still had a chance to fix things.
“I’m so sorry, Zack.”
I placed my hand on his shoulder when he started to stand, pushing him back into his seat. He was strong, but I was determined. I knew I had to confess some mighty big secrets that no one knew about, not even my family, but I had finally figured out what Zack had been telling me for weeks now, and I wanted him to be the first one to know about them.
“When I saw you yesterday, I was completely shut down, closed off from any thoughts other than the dark ones eating me up inside.”
Leaning against the desk in front of him, Zack kept his hands on the armrests as he listened to every word I was saying. It was quite empowering to be heard by someone with such clear focus. It was almost uncanny the way he just listened. I was not just anyone to him, and I could see that in his eyes and the set of his determinedly straightened spine. He was so focused on me that I sometimes almost felt the need to look anywhere but into his eyes.
“I didn’t comprehend fully what you told me yesterday. Maybe I wasn’t ready to listen—to you or anyone else. I just needed some time to think.”
“Think about what, baby?”
“Please don’t interrupt me. I know you mean well, but I need to get this all out, and if you interrupt me, I may just lose my nerve.”
Taking a deep breath that causes my chest to expand, I let the air out slowly as I regained my nerve and sorted through my feelings.
“You scare the shit out of me.”
It wasn’t exactly delivered with the finesse I had planned, but the message still came across loud and clear.
“I’m so sorry, Katie. I never meant to push…”
“But you did! You did push me. I don’t know if I was ready to be pushed like that, or if I should have been pushed like that, but you are just so pushy!”
By the way he was running his fingers through his hair and fidgeting in his seat, he seemed to be taking this rather awkwardly.
“You’re stubborn and determined. You’re also very brash and short at times.”
“Look, I know it seems that way…”
“Let me finish! Please. I love you, Zackary Collins. I love every pushy little thing about you.”
His eyes met mine, and I tried to show him all the love I had for him with a single, powerful look. I was determined to make him feel the same amount of love he had given to me during our short time together.
“You love me? Still?”
“Oh, Zack. Of course I do!”
It was as though he couldn’t help himself as he took my hand into his and pulled me onto his lap. He was holding on for dear life. He stroked my back in tiny circles as he nuzzled my neck.
I was so caught up in what he was doing that I almost forgot my purpose for storming into his office in the first place. Abruptly, I pulled back to look into his eyes. I was shocked by the pain I saw in them, as well as the moisture gathering at the bottom of them. He looked so sad. It just about broke my heart, but I needed to do this. I needed to explain everything to him so we could truly be together.
“Oh, Zack, we need to talk.”
“Whenever a woman says that, it’s usually not a good sign.”
“No, it’s nothing like that.”
He released me from his hold, and I was immediately troubled by the discomfort I felt without his support.
“Zack, please, I just need to say this.”
“Look, Katie, I know I pushed you, but I just couldn’t help it.”
“I know, but this between us is everything I was afraid to have, and then some.”
“What?”
He leaned back in his chair, more miffed than anything.
“Zack, I’ve done this all wrong. I ran when I should have stayed to talk about it. It’s just…”
“Just what, honey?”
There he was, my overprotective man. Even though he was so worried that I was leaving him, he was more concerned about me than himself. I couldn’t let him think for a second that I was going anywhere, and it occurred to me that that’s exactly what I had been doing.
“It’s just that when I tell you everything, you may not want me anymore.”
At this, he pushed the chair back with such force that it hit the wall behind him. The thunderous look in his eyes gave me pause. I started to take a step away, but the desk blocked my escape. I was trapped between it and him. Panic began to build in me as his expression transformed into anger—anger clearly directed at me. All my instincts taking over, I dropped to the floor, bursting into tears. When he approached me, it wasn’t Zack I saw, but Randall. All the fight I had in me to explain what happened is gone, replaced with the shell of the person I once was in Randall’s clutches.
“Fuck! Katie, honey, look at me. I would never, ever hurt you. It’s me, Zack. Look at me, please.”
I wanted to see Zack, but I was stuck in this hopeless place. I was waiting for the beating I knew would come once he caught me.
“Okay, Katie, I’m going to come to you instead. We can figure this out—together.”
As his feet came into view, I trembled more violently. I was waiting for something to happen. I couldn’t help myself. The trembling used to provoke Randall more than my tears ever could. He seemed to get annoyed with it and take it out on me, in as many painful ways as possible, but I could never get it to stop.
“I’m going to keep talking to you until you realize it’s me, baby. I know you’re in there, but you’re stuck, so I’m going to come to you. Maybe I should have always come to you instead of giving you distance. Together means we work things out, and I thought once you had some time and distance, you’d calm down enough so
we could discuss whatever was going on. Now, however, I think that was my mistake. You needed me to wrap my arms around you and make you stay, to help deal with whatever was happening in that moment—together.”
His soothing voice began to draw my attention away from my inner turmoil. His calm demeanor was beginning to soothe my nerves, causing the trembling to ease.
“Just listen to my voice, baby. It’s me, and I’m right here for you. No more running, no more distance. Just you and me together to face things as they come. That’s where I messed up. I pushed you, but I let you down when you ran. I see that now. I see how you gave me the signal just before you ran, something that could help us get through this together, but I never took the cues. I’m sorry I let you down. I won’t ever again.”
His voice was like a balm that calmed me from the inside out. Tingles ran down my arms as he began to touch them, light at first, but much more prominent as he traveled up and down, over and over.
“I’m here. I’m right here in front of you for when you’re ready for me to catch you. I will always catch you. You know that, right?”
He continued to run his hands up and down my arms. It was so hypnotic that I didn’t want it to stop.
“I love you, honey, so please come back to me so we can fix this—together.”
It took that last together to clinch it for me. When my eyes met his, I saw it—the love he had for me. All my fears washed away in that instant.
“Oh, Zack,” I whispered as I propelled myself toward his outstretched arms. This time I didn’t cry like I always did. This time I found the strength I never knew existed inside me to tell him everything I came to say.
“I was never going to leave you, Zack. I love you so much. I just want to tell you everything.”
He held me so close that I could feel his body stiffen at my words. I had never told him all the gory details. I had just kept that to myself, but when I thought about it, that wasn’t how together worked. It would work only when we both knew everything, so I needed to tell him everything.
“I think you’re right. I don’t want to know these things, but we are together, so I need to. But not here. Let’s go back to my place.”
“No, Zack.”
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