by Jen Campbell
CUSTOMER: Do you work here?
BOOKSELLER: Yes.
CUSTOMER: Oh, good. I couldn’t tell if you were wearing a uniform or you just really liked Waterstones.
CUSTOMER (pointing at the books on the shelves): Are these real books?
BOOKSELLER: … Yes.
CUSTOMER: So, they’re not e-books? They’re real? I can look at them?
BOOKSELLER: … Yes.
CUSTOMER: Excuse me, I hid a book down the back of that bookshelf yesterday, but I can’t seem to find it today.
BOOKSELLER: I’m afraid I sold that. I found it last night when I was tidying up.
CUSTOMER: What did you do that for? I wanted to buy that!
BOOKSELLER: If you want to reserve something, you should ask us to keep it behind the till instead of hiding it behind a bookshelf.
(Customer storms off)
CUSTOMER: Who wrote Paradise Lost?
BOOKSELLER: John Milton.
CUSTOMER: No, that’s not it.
BOOKSELLER: Yes, it was him.
CUSTOMER: And how would you know?
Jennifer Burt: Waterstones, Plymouth Drake Circus, UK.
(Elderly female customer is looking at the chart)
CUSTOMER: I can’t believe everybody’s reading this Fifty Shades …
BOOKSELLER: I know. I take it it isn’t your cup of tea, then?
CUSTOMER: Oh, no dear; been there, done that – no need to read about it!
Joe Giaffreda: Waterstones, Peterborough, UK.
CUSTOMER (in a broad Northern Irish accent): Do you have the book Landscapes of War?
BOOKSELLER: No, we’re actually a religious bookshop.
CUSTOMER: Oh, is that what you are?
BOOKSELLER: Yes, you’d be better off trying one of the other bookshops in town.
CUSTOMER: Oh, right.
(Pause)
CUSTOMER: Do you have that book all them women are reading?
BOOKSELLER: Ahem …
Richard Ryan: The Good Book Shop, Belfast, UK.
(A customer has brought in a box of coverless, very damaged books and wants the bookshop to buy them)
BOOKSELLER: I’m sorry madam, but we don’t buy books like this.
CUSTOMER: But your sign says that you buy books, and I want to get rid of these. What sort of books do you buy?
BOOKSELLER: Well, perhaps the sort of books you left at home?
CUSTOMER: I wouldn’t want to sell those! They’re nice books!
Ian Snelling: SA Book Connection, KwaZulu-Natal, South Africa.
CUSTOMER: Do you have a book that interprets life?
BOOKSELLER: I’m not sure I know what you mean.
CUSTOMER: Well, I was out hiking the other day, and I saw a wolf. I want to know what that meant.
Jody Mosley: Barnes and Noble, Boulder, Colorado, USA.
CUSTOMER: Can you recommend something to read? I’m very widely read.
BOOKSELLER: Sure, how about–
CUSTOMER (interrupting): I don’t read anything written in the first person.
BOOKSELLER: OK, how about–
CUSTOMER: And I don’t read books by women. I just can’t stand things written by female authors.
Tilly Lunken: Thesaurus Books, Melbourne, Australia.
CUSTOMER: Do you have a true crime section?
BOOKSELLER: Yes.
(Bookseller takes customer to the true crime section. A few minutes later, the customer moves towards the front door with a book in his pocket.)
BOOKSELLER: Erm, are you going to pay for that book?
CUSTOMER: No.
BOOKSELLER: (taking book from customer’s pocket): Please don’t come back.
CUSTOMER: Oh. Does this mean I have to bring all the other books back, too?
BOOKSELLER: …
Toby Halsey: Elizabeth’s Bookshops, Perth, Australia.
(While browsing our antiquarian section, a customer drops a 160 year old book. The marbled front end board cartwheels in the opposite direction to the text block as it hits the floor.
With her hand to her chest, the customer gasps, looks at the book, then sighs with relief)
CUSTOMER: Gosh, thank goodness that was just some old book!
James Findlay: Explorers Books, Johannesburg, South Africa.
CUSTOMER: Hi, I’m looking for a book version of my Sat Nav.
BOOKSELLER: … Do you mean a road map?
CUSTOMER: … Maybe.
Stephanie Ose: Waterstones, Newbury, UK.
LITTLE GIRL: Mommy, I could stay in here all day!
MOTHER: I don’t know why you read; it’ll never get you anywhere.
MAN (looking at a giant map in the bookstore): When did they move New Zealand way down by Australia? Wasn’t it in Europe before?
BOOKSELLER: …
CUSTOMER: These are used books?
BOOKSELLER: Yes
CUSTOMER: Do you have the Stephen King book that comes out next week?
BOOKSELLER: … No.
(One bright Saturday afternoon)
CUSTOMER (walks up to counter): Are you open on Saturdays?
Christopher Sheedy: Re:Reading Bookstore, Toronto, Canada.
BOOKSELLER: Would you like a bag?
CUSTOMER: No, I’d like a divorce.
Georgine Balassone: Bookshop Santa Cruz, California, USA.
CUSTOMER (anxiously, to friend): I don’t know where it’d be; I have no idea what section it would be in. I just don’t know.
BOOKSELLER: Hello, do you need any help?
CUSTOMER (annoyed): No, we’re fine, thank you.
WOMAN: Do you have any books about sexual health?
BOOKSELLER: Yes, in the health section just behind me.
WOMAN: Because you can never be too careful nowadays, can you?
BOOKSELLER: I guess not.
WOMAN: It’s always good to be prepared, isn’t it?
BOOKSELLER: Yes, of course.
WOMAN: Protection is very important.
BOOKSELLER: … Yep.
WOMAN: Are you always prepared? What do you normally use for protection?
BOOKSELLER: …
BOOKSELLER: As you’ve spent over ten pounds, you could buy a copy of The Host by Stephenie Meyer for just one pound ninety nine?
CUSTOMER: Oh no. I’d never read a book written by a Mormon.
Nicholas Blake: Waterstones, Nottingham, UK.
CUSTOMER (looking at a full wall of shelves dedicated to Shakespeare): Is that all the Shakespeare you have in stock?
BOOKSELLER: Yes, but I can order anything specific if we don’t have it.
CUSTOMER: Well, I think it’s disgraceful that you seem to have all of his plays and none of his novels.
Tracey Sinclair: University Bookshop, Glasgow, UK.
CUSTOMER: In which section would I find a book on the workings of the internal combustion engine, suitable for a three-year-old?
CUSTOMER (holding a signed copy of a Jacqueline Wilson book): I want to buy this book, but not this copy because someone’s written in it.
BOOKSELLER: … That’s the author’s signature.
CUSTOMER: I don’t care who’s written in it – I just want a clean copy!
Clare Poole: PG & Wells Booksellers, Winchester, UK.
CUSTOMER: Where’s your true fiction section?
Betsy Urbik: Barnes and Noble, Rockford, Illinois, USA.
CUSTOMER: Do you have Harry Potter book seven, part two?
BOOKSELLER: Book seven, The Deathly Hallows, is just one volume.
CUSTOMER: But the movie has two parts, so there must be a second book! They don’t just make movies from nothing!
Gabe Konrád: Bay Leaf Used & Rare Books, Sand Lake, Michigan, USA.
CUSTOMER: Have you read …
BOOKSELLER: …
CUSTOMER: Oh, never mind. You look too young to have read a good book.
Madison Butler: Liberty Bay Books, Poulsbo, Washington, USA.
CUSTOMER: I’m looking for a book called I Know
Why the Care Bear Sings.
Liz Scott: Waterstones, Bradford, UK.
CUSTOMER: Do you have any blank books?
BOOKSELLER: You mean like a journal?
CUSTOMER: No, a real book, just blank.
Erica Hensley: Bound To Be Read Books, Atlanta, Georgia, USA.
CUSTOMER: This Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter book has to be the most historically accurate fiction book I’ve read.
Carrie Austin: Island Bookstore, Kitty Hawk, North Carolina, USA.
CUSTOMER: Can you help me find a book, please?
BOOKSELLER: Sure, what are you in the mood for?
CUSTOMER (leaning in very closely): I’m feeling very vulnerable right now.
Meaghan Beasley: Island Bookstore, Kitty Hawk, North Carolina, USA.
(Phone rings)
CUSTOMER: Hello. I’m looking for a first edition of The Sun Also Rises by Ernest Hemingway.
BOOKSELLER: I’m sorry, sir, but we don’t stock secondhand or rare books.
CUSTOMER: I don’t want a secondhand copy! I want a new one!
BOOKSELLER: Sir, the first edition of this book was published in 1926.
CUSTOMER: I don’t want one that old!
BOOKSELLER: But–
(Customer hangs up)
Karen T. Brissette: Barnes and Noble, Union Square, New York, USA.
CUSTOMER: I would like to buy a book called Never Let You Go.
BOOKSELLER: Do you mean Never Let Me Go, by Kazuo Ishiguro? (holds up a copy of the book)
CUSTOMER: No. The book I’m looking for is by Kazuo Ishiguro but it’s definitely called Never Let You Go, not Never Let Me Go.
BOOKSELLER: …
CUSTOMER: He must have written two books with very similar titles. I’d be grateful if you could track the other one down for me.
Jefth Chan: One Page Bookshop, Hong Kong.
BOOKSELLER: Can I help you find anything?
WOMAN: Yes. We’re looking for the portal.
BOOKSELLER: … Sorry?
MAN: We’re looking for the portal.
BOOKSELLER: …
WOMAN: We’ve been tracking the portal to Lemuria for a long time, and we’re pretty sure it’s here.
BOOKSELLER: In this bookstore?
MAN: Yes. We’ve been tracking the energy for years and we’re certain it’s in a bookstore in Lincoln City. We’re pretty sure it’s this one, but it’s possible it could be in a bookstore a few miles away.
WOMAN: No. Everything indicates that it should be here. Maybe under the stairs.
BOOKSELLER: Right. Well, have a look around, I suppose. Let me know if I can help you find anything!
Diana Portwood: Bob’s Beach Books, Lincoln City, Oregon, USA.
(Teen daughter holds up a copy of The Canterbury Tales)
HER MOTHER: You’re not old enough to read that. I’m not old enough to read that!
Lauretta Nagel: Constellation Books, Maryland, USA.
CUSTOMER: Hello! I’m searching for a book. I’m not sure of the publishing house, but it’s really great and I just have to read it again.
BOOKSELLER: Sure. What was the title of the book?
CUSTOMER: Well, the thing is, I don’t really remember …
BOOKSELLER: OK, then how about the author? Maybe we can search for their work and find the one you’re looking for?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know his name.
BOOKSELLER: … Right.
CUSTOMER: But he was definitely European.
BOOKSELLER: … Ok.
CUSTOMER: And it was non-fiction. Some kind of study. Probably.
BOOKSELLER: Right.
CUSTOMER (looking expectantly at the bookseller): Come on, you must know the book I mean!
Sevda Nesheva: Sofia International Book Fair, Bulgaria.
CUSTOMER: Do you have the new Lady Gaga book by Terry Pratchett?
BOOKSELLER: ...
Caron McGarvey: Waterstones, Glasgow, UK.
CUSTOMER: I’m looking for the book Mini Alcoholic by Sophie Kinsella.
Joseph Segaran: Waterstones, Amsterdam, The Netherlands.
CUSTOMER (on the phone): Hi. Do you sell drumsticks?
BOOKSELLER: Umm ...the kind you eat or the ones you play drums with?
CUSTOMER (eagerly): The ones you play drums with. Does that mean you carry them?
BOOKSELLER: No, I’m sorry; we don’t have either. I was just curious to know which type you thought a bookshop might have. Try the music shop a couple of miles up the road.
Emily Crowe: Odyssey Bookshop, South Hadley, Massachusetts, USA.
(Customer holds up Fifty Shades of Grey and shows her boyfriend)
CUSTOMER: Babe! It’s the book I was telling you about! My sister reckons it’s exactly like us!
CUSTOMER: Oh my gosh, you guys sell plays! Does anyone buy them since, like, TV was made?
Chloe Flockart: Elizabeth’s, Perth, Australia.
CUSTOMER: Do you have any foreign language dictionaries?
BOOKSELLER: Yeah, we do. I’ll take you to our language section.
CUSTOMER: Oh, awesome! I need a Latin dictionary for my Spanish class.
BOOKSELLER: ... Are you sure you don’t need a Spanish dictionary?
CUSTOMER: No, Latin. They don’t speak Spanish in Latin America.
CUSTOMER: Do you sell manuals for fully automatic weapons?
BOOKSELLER: I don’t think so. I have some pricing guides for guns, but no manuals.
CUSTOMER: Well, a pricing guide isn’t gonna help me hunt humans, is it? I need a detailed manual!
BOOKSELLER: ...
Pamela Morris: Books-A-Million, Auburn, Maine, USA.
CUSTOMER (walking into the shop, shouts out): Don’t expect me to buy anything. I’m not a reader!
BOOKSELLER: ...
YOUNG GIRL: Did you know that rats don’t like to walk on tightropes?
BOOKSELLER: No, I didn’t.
YOUNG GIRL: Yeah, I found out when I tried to make my rat walk on a tightrope and he scratched me.
MOTHER: If you want to buy a book you’ll have to use your own money. I’ve bought you enough books already!
DAUGHTER: But I’ve read all those books!
MOTHER: Well then, maybe you should learn to read slower!
Patty Whitney: Blind Dog Books, Seabrook, Washington, USA.
CUSTOMER: Hi, I’m looking for a Bible for my mother but I’m not quite sure who the author is.
(Phone rings)
BOOKSELLER: Good Afternoon, this is Waterstones; how may I help you?
CUSTOMER: Is this Waterstones, the bookshop?
BOOKSELLER: Yes it is, sir.
CUSTOMER: Good. Are you in the book department?
Emma-Louise Elliott: Waterstones, Bristol, UK.
CUSTOMER: I think I’ll take a copy of this book.
BOOKSELLER: Sure, would you like a bag for it?
CUSTOMER: First, can you please get me a fresh copy?
BOOKSELLER: I’m sorry, what?
CUSTOMER: A fresh copy of the book. You know, not the display copy.
BOOKSELLER: Is this one damaged?
CUSTOMER: No, I’d just like a fresh copy.
BOOKSELLER: Well, our store is so small that we only have one or two copies of most books. Just about everything is out on display. We just sell them right off the shelves and tables.
CUSTOMER: Are you kidding?
BOOKSELLER: ... No.
CUSTOMER: Right. Well, I’ll have to think about it, then. (Customer walks off.)
Anne DeVault: Over the Moon Bookstore &
Artisan Gallery, Crozet, Virginia, USA.
(Man approaches bookseller and attempts to start a conversation with her about religion)
BOOKSELLER: I’m sorry, sir, but I try to make a point of not discussing religion with customers.
CUSTOMER: Oh. I just thought you seemed like a nice girl, and I don’t want you to go to Hell.
BOOKSELLER: ...
CUSTOMER: I called earlier about Slaughterhouse
Five for my class?
BOOKSELLER: Yes. I have a copy here for you.
CUSTOMER: OK, thanks. What’s your return policy?
BOOKSELLER: ... Why?
CUSTOMER: Because I only need it for, like, a week.
Lillian Clark: The Second Story, Laramie, Wyoming, USA.
CUSTOMER: Can you mail books to the jail?
BOOKSELLER: Sure.
CUSTOMER: Great. Do you have a list of all your true crime books?
Cathy Allard: Bayshore Books, Oconto, Wisconsin, USA.
CUSTOMER: Do you have the new book by Charles Dickens?