by Jen Campbell
BOOKSELLER: Well, he hasn’t published anything since the nineteenth century ...
CUSTOMER: The new one that Oprah’s promoting.
BOOKSELLER: Oh. A Tale of Two Cities, yes, we have that.
CUSTOMER: Yeah. Like I said: the new one.
Jessica Aimee Johnson: Barnes and Noble, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, USA.
MAN: Do you have any books on cars?
LIBRARIAN: We have a couple of books on cars in our transport section: one on Minis and one on Porsches.
MAN (opens the book on Minis and points to a vehicle): Where abouts is this car?
LIBRARIAN: The caption says that it’s a photo of Sir Alexander Arnold Constantine Issigonis, the man who designed the Mini, standing with a Mini in a garage in Birmingham in the 70s.
MAN: Great. Can you get his address for me?
LIBRARIAN: Sorry?
MAN: His address. I want to buy that car!
Rachel Armstrong: Burnley Libraries, Lancashire, UK.
MOTHER (showing a picture book to her daughter): Awwww, look at the cute kitty. And the little horsey. And the groundhog, too! Your daddy shoots those when they come into the garden, doesn’t he?
Marika McCoola: Odyssey Bookshop, Massachusetts, USA.
CUSTOMER: I’m looking for the fourth Fifty Shades of Grey book.
BOOKSELLER: There are only three in the series.
CUSTOMER: No, there are four. I saw it in another shop yesterday. It’s really big. It’s called Fifty Shades Trilogy.
BOOKSELLER: ... That’s the box set.
CUSTOMER (staring intently at the bookseller): Are you Mary Magdalene?
BOOKSELLER: No.
CUSTOMER: Are you sure?
BOOKSELLER: ... I’m pretty sure.
CUSTOMER: Because you look like Mary Magdalene.
BOOKSELLER: ...
Danae Huff: Barnes & Noble, Columbus, Ohio, USA.
CUSTOMER: Do you have any of those books on symbols and stuff?
BOOKSELLER: What type of symbols do you mean?
CUSTOMER: You know, like a horseshoe – which I know is good luck – but what I want to know is: what does it mean when someone puts a dead bird through my letterbox?
BOOKSELLER: ... I think it means they don’t like you.
Dave Newman: Waterstones, Hastings, UK.
CUSTOMER: Thanks for helping me find those books the other week! Here – I’ve brought you a cheese pasty.
BOOKSELLER: Erm ... well, er, thanks!
Philippa Powell: Waterstones, Godalming, UK.
CUSTOMER: I’m looking for a book but I don’t know much about it so this could be hard.
BOOKSELLER: OK.
MAN: The title is The Immortal Life of Something Something Something ...
BOOKSELLER (and the two other booksellers at the desk, in unison): Henrietta Lacks.
MAN (smiling): Great, thanks. So, what is a hard question?
BOOKSELLER: A hard question is ‘Do you have this book I saw six months ago? It’s blue.’ And it turns out the book they want is actually yellow, and we haven’t had a copy in the store for the past three years.
Melissa Ward: Barnes and Noble, Coralville, Iowa, USA.
CUSTOMER: I need to return this book on ghosts.
BOOKSELLER: Is there a problem with it?
CUSTOMER: Yes. It’s haunted.
Susan Holland: SmithBooks, Victoria, British Columbia, Canada.
CUSTOMER (approaching the desk with a £7.99 paperback): I’d love to buy this book ... But there’s really no point.
BOOKSELLER: What makes you say that?
CUSTOMER: I have no grandchildren. Who would I pass it down to in my will? These days I never buy anything without questioning posterity.
CUSTOMER (in an urgent whisper, having waited for the other customers to leave the shop): Hello. Is your name ‘Bookish Becca’?
BOOKSELLER: No, I’m Sarah.
CUSTOMER: You’re not the person I’ve been chatting to online?
BOOKSELLER: Not that I’m aware of ... Did this lady say she’d meet you here?
CUSTOMER: No.
BOOKSELLER: Does she live near here?
CUSTOMER: I have no idea.
Bookseller: What made you think it might be me, then?
CUSTOMER: Well, you look, you know, ‘bookish.’
CUSTOMER: Thank God you’re open. The cat has sprayed all over my reference books. Can you help?
BOOKSELLER: ... With the books – or the cat?
CUSTOMER: (having spent two hours reading the same book in the shop): This book’s great. I think I’ll buy it.
BOOKSELLER: Excellent. It’s £8.99 please.
CUSTOMER: Wait – these books are for sale? I meant I was going to buy it in a bookshop.
BOOKSELLER: This IS a bookshop.
CUSTOMER: Really? I just thought it was a place you let people read your books in.
LITTLE BOY: Does this bookshop make money?
BOOKSELLER: Excuse me?
LITTLE BOY: I said, does this bookshop make money? I bet it doesn’t. It’s a bit of a silly idea having a bookshop on a boat, isn’t it?
BOOKSELLER: ... A lot of people like it.
LITTLE BOY: What’s your business model? Do you have a five year plan?
BOOKSELLER: ...
LITTLE BOY: You really don’t know what you’re doing, do you?
BOOKSELLER: ... I’m selling books!
LITTLE BOY: It’s not going to make you a millionnaire, though, is it?
BOOKSELLER: Well, no, but–
LITTLE BOY: When I grow up, I’m going to be a millionnaire.
BOOKSELLER: Are you?
LITTLE BOY: Yes. I haven’t decided how, yet ... But it won’t be from selling books on a boat!
(on returning two weeks later)
LITTLE BOY: Hello. You still have no customers. If I owned this shop I’d fire you.
BOOKSELLER: Wow. Brutal. And then how would you proceed?
LITTLE BOY: I’d buy a megaphone and shout at people to buy my books. That’s your problem – you don’t shout at them.
CUSTOMER: I know I look like Saddam Hussein but, don’t worry, I’m not him.
BOOKSELLER: It’s OK. To my knowledge, he’s dead. I wasn’t too worried.
CUSTOMER: Really? Even with my moustache? You weren’t even slightly panicked?
BOOKSELLER: ... No.
Sarah Henshaw: The Book Barge, Staffordshire, UK.
CUSTOMER: Will you be getting Tolkien in for a signing soon?
BOOKSELLER: No, I don’t think so.
CUSTOMER: Oh, that’s a shame.
Kate Robotham: Ottakers, Basingstoke, UK.
LITTLE BOY: Excuse me, do you think this book will be too old for me?
CUSTOMER: Well, it depends how well you can read.
LITTLE BOY (scornfully): Well, duh, I’m only three – I can’t read at all!
Janet (via David) Hicks: Bookstack, Berkhamsted, Hertfordshire, UK.
CUSTOMER: I’m looking for a book called Not Your Ordinary Average Day in the Park.
BOOKSELLER: I’m not familiar with that one. Do you know what it’s about?
CUSTOMER: It’s about a boy with autism, and a dog.
BOOKSELLER: Do you mean The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time?
CUSTOMER: Yes, that’s it. I knew it had a title like that.
Josh Schasny: Chapters Bookstore, Pointe-Claire, Montreal, Canada.
CUSTOMER: Where are all of your paperbacks?
BOOKSELLER: All the books are in their specific sections, such as fiction, biography etc, organised by author.
CUSTOMER: You mean you don’t separate the paperbacks from the hardcovers?
BOOKSELLER: No, only when they go on one of the New Release tables.
CUSTOMER: It’s terrible that you just mix them in like that! I just can’t believe it!
Ryan Dwyer: Barnes and Noble, Lone Tree, Colorado, USA.
CUSTOMER: Is this the only version of Wolf Hall that you�
��ve got?
BOOKSELLER: I’m sorry?
CUSTOMER: Wolf Hall, is this the only version?
BOOKSELLER: I’m sorry, I don’t know of another version. I’m not really sure that I know what you mean, though.
CUSTOMER: It’s far too long. I want the shorter version.
BOOKSELLER: I’m really sorry, but I don’t think there is one.
CUSTOMER: Well, there must be. My neighbour says she’s read it, and I know what she’s like; she couldn’t possibly have read anything that long.
CUSTOMER: It’s a beautiful shop you have here.
BOOKSELLER: Oh, thank you.
CUSTOMER: It’s just a shame that you filled it with all these ghastly books.
Hereward Corbett: The Yellow-Lighted Bookshop, Nailsworth and Tetbury, UK.
CUSTOMER: Do you have copies of Fifty Shades of Grey?
BOOKSELLER: Yes, they’re right over here. We don’t have any secondhand ones in right now, though.
CUSTOMER: Oh, that’s OK. I don’t think I’d WANT a secondhand copy of that book, if you know what I mean!
(Customer and bookseller look at each other and burst out laughing)
Stefani Kelley: The Book Nook, Brenham, Texas, USA.
CUSTOMER: If I had a bookstore, I’d make the mystery section really hard to find.
Anonymous
(Customer is doing push-ups in the middle of the bookstore. Lying beside him is an exercise book)
BOOKSELLER: Excuse me, sir, what are you doing?
CUSTOMER: I don’t see why I can’t practice the exercises first, before buying the book!
Anonymous
(A couple approach the desk)
BOOKSELLER: Can I help you find something?
MAN: Yeah, we’re looking for a vocabulary book. It’s either called The Soars or The Sars.
BOOKSELLER: Let me look it up and see what we have.
WOMAN: Oh, it’s OK; I made a note of the title.
(Customer pulls a napkin from her purse and lays it down for the bookseller to read. Written on it is: ‘The Saurus.’)
Anonymous
CUSTOMER: I’m looking for a book for my son. He’s one of these weird people who still like the paper ones.
Anonymous
CHILD: Mom, how did Anne Frank escape the Nazis?
MOTHER: I’ll tell you later.
CHILD (screaming): BUT I WANT TO KNOW NOOOOOOWWW!
BOOKSELLER (to fellow bookseller): Someone should tell her that she kept away from the Nazis for so long by being quiet.
Anonymous
(Phone rings)
BOOKSELLER: Thanks for calling Barnes and Noble, how can I help you?
CUSTOMER: Yeah, hi, um ... do you sell Scrabble dictionaries?
BOOKSELLER: Yes, of course. Do you want me to put one on hold for you?
CUSTOMER: Oh, no that’s OK. But, listen, I’m about to win this round, can you check to see if ‘Kennedy’ is included?
Anonymous
CUSTOMER: Hi. I’m looking for a stuffed animal.
BOOKSELLER: I’m afraid we don’t really have any of those. We do have some books for babies, though. They’re over here.
CUSTOMER: Er, it’s for a B-A-B-Y. What’s wrong with you? Babies can’t read!
Anonymous
(Customer is scraping his shoe along one of the display tables)
BOOKSELLER: Sir, please don’t do that; you’re making the table dirty.
CUSTOMER: But where else do you expect me to scrape this gum off my shoe?
Anonymous
CUSTOMER: I’ve got a lot of books that I want to look through, so I’ve ordered a pizza to eat while I do that. Should I have them deliver it straight to the second floor, or should I meet them at the front desk?
Anonymous
MAN: Do you have a rest room?
BOOKSELLER: No, I’m afraid we don’t.
MAN: Well, then, I’m peeing right here. (He does so.)
Anonymous
CUSTOMER: Do you have any books on flying?
BOOKSELLER: Sure, the aviation section is right over here.
CUSTOMER: No, man, I can already levitate; I need to know how to fly.
BOOKSELLER: You can levitate?
CUSTOMER: I’m doing it right now. My shoes are hollow, so it looks like I’m standing on the ground.
Anonymous
CUSTOMER: Do you ... um ... pay, like, more for signed books?
BOOKSELLER: For some books, yes, a signed copy would certainly be worth more.
CUSTOMER: What would you give me for ... um ... like, a signed copy of, like ... The Diary of Anne Frank?
BOOKSELLER: I would give you something like a billion dollars for that.
CUSTOMER: Oh, awesome!
(It’s just after 6pm. There’s a sign on the desk asking the customers to ring the bell if a bookseller isn’t at the till.
A man rings the bell. The bookseller comes out from the back room.)
MAN (looking from the bookseller to the bell in his hand): Wow. Just like in a brothel!
Nina Grahmann: Thalia Bookshop, Europa Passage, Hamburg, Germany.
CUSTOMER: You do have a lot of books, don’t you?
BOOKSELLER (gently): Well, it is a bookshop.
Susan Edgar: Magill Book Exchange, St Morris, Australia.
CUSTOMER (angrily): I want to return this Great Speeches in History audiobook. It’s not read by the original speakers! (Speeches include those by George Washington, Abraham Lincoln & Julius Caesar.)
Marc Murray: Borders, Bondi Junction, New South Wales, Australia.
CUSTOMER: Do you have that play by Hitler?
BOOKSELLER: ...
CUSTOMER: It’s called Titus Andronicus. Apparently everyone dies.
(Two girls wander through the Medical section and find a copy of Gray’s Anatomy)
GIRL: Oh God, I can’t believe they named that book after the TV show ... They’ll do anything to get people to buy books these days!
HER FRIEND: Yeah. That’s so, so sad.
Claire Fitzgerald: John Smith’s Bookshop,
Aras Na Mac Leinn, University College Cork, Ireland.
CUSTOMER: I’m looking for a book. I think it’ll be in fiction.
BOOKSELLER: Sure, fiction’s in the big room on the first floor.
CUSTOMER: Just to check: is fiction the one that’s true or the one that’s not?
BOOKSELLER: ...
Ilona Gill: Waterstones, Manchester, UK.
CUSTOMER: Do you have Pride and Produce?
BOOKSELLER: Erm ... Is that a cookbook?
CUSTOMER: No.
BOOKSELLER: A gardening book?
CUSTOMER: No.
BOOKSELLER: ... Is it a novel?
CUSTOMER: Yes.
BOOKSELLER: Could you mean Pride and Prejudice?
CUSTOMER: Yes!
Rosie Phenix-Walker: Blackwell’s, Edinburgh, UK.
CUSTOMER: Where in the book does it tell you how many pages there are?
CUSTOMER: Do you have that new book by that guy ... I think his last name is Lama?
BOOKSELLER: Umm, the Dalai Lama?
CUSTOMER: I’m looking for that magazine – the one that comes out every other month or so.
CUSTOMER: Do you have any books about absinthe? You know, the stuff that Picasso was drinking before he cut his ear off?
CUSTOMER: Where is your section for outdoor adventure literature?
BOOKSELLER: Are you looking for fiction or non-fiction?
CUSTOMER: Are those my only options?
Kimberly Dotson and the staff of B. Dalton Booksellers,
Manchester, New Hampshire, USA.
CUSTOMER: Hi. Have you got a book on medicine for my sick Belgian pigeon?
CUSTOMER: May I bring the book back if the person I am buying it for is dead?
Carol Wright: Wordsworth Books, Somerset West, South Africa.
CUSTOMER: You haven’t read Fifty Shades of Grey?
BOOKSELLER: No, I haven’t.
CUSTOMER: I’d like to talk to someone who knows about books. (Turns to another bookseller) Do you know a lot about books? Do you read?
Roxanne Pena: Barnes and Noble, Long Beach, California, USA.
CUSTOMER ONE (admiring a leather-bound classic): Wow, what a beautiful cover
CUSTOMER TWO (while purchasing Reflected in You by Sylvia Day): I don’t buy books because they’re beautiful; I buy them because they expand my knowledge.
The booksellers of Love That Book, Westfield Shopping Centre,
Helensvale, Queensland, Australia.
CUSTOMER: What is the first name of the author Anonymous?