More Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops

by Jen Campbell

  Nicole Adams: Jess Hann Branch, Oshawa Public Libraries, Oshawa, Canada.

  CUSTOMER: Do you sell cake plates?

  CUSTOMER (pointing at the fiction section): How are these books arranged?

  BOOKSELLER: They’re alphabetical.

  CUSTOMER: By what? Title?

  BOOKSELLER: No, by the author’s name.

  CUSTOMER: Their first name, or ...

  BOOKSELLER: Their surname.

  CUSTOMER (rolls his eyes): Christ. It’s different in every bookshop, isn’t it?

  Kirsty Logan: Ottakars, Buchanan Galleries, Glasgow, UK.

  CUSTOMER: I can’t remember the title of the book I want but it’s about a nurse.

  BOOKSELLER: Is it fiction?

  CUSTOMER (with a look of disdain): Uh, no. It’s a story.

  CUSTOMER: I wonder if you can help me. Where can I buy the pasta on the front of Nigella’s book?

  The booksellers of Village Books, Wandsworth Common

  and Dulwich Village, London, UK.

  CUSTOMER: Do you have a large print Bible on cassette? My mom’s hard of hearing.

  Steve Laube: A Christian Bookstore, Phoenix, Arizona, USA.

  CUSTOMER: Have you heard that nuclear weapons are a myth?

  Chris Howard: HCB Wholesalers, Hay-on-Wye, Powys, UK.

  CUSTOMER: I’m looking for a copy of Tess of the d’Urbervilles by Hardy. It was mentioned in Fifty Shades of Grey and I really liked that so I thought I’d give it a go.

  Will, Colm, Kevin & Sinead: The Campus Bookshop, UCD Dublin, Ireland.

  CUSTOMER: I need to change the name on my library card. (Presents Deed Poll notification.) I’ve changed my name to Michael Jackson for, you know, obvious reasons.

  LIBRARIAN: ...

  Steven Hartshorne: Bolton Central Library, Bolton, UK.

  (The phone rings)

  BOOKSELLER: Hello?

  MAN: Hey! So, I just watched this movie and it said it was based on a true story, so I was wondering if there was a book to go with it?

  BOOKSELLER: OK, sure, what was the movie?

  MAN: Battleship. You know, the one with Rihanna. I really like Rihanna.

  BOOKSELLER: Um, yeah ... I’m sure I could find a sci-fi novel or other merchandise for you.

  MAN: No, I want a historical or biographical book.

  BOOKSELLER: I could find you something about battleships ...

  MAN: No, I want the true story of Battleship – with Rihanna.

  BOOKSELLER: That movie is based on the board game, Battleship.

  MAN: Uh, well, I just watched it and it’s really good and it really happened.

  BOOKSELLER: I haven’t seen the movie, but isn’t it about aliens attacking the Navy or something?

  MAN (enthusiastically): Yeah, exactly.

  BOOKSELLER: ...

  Becca Perry: Barnes and Noble, New England, Massachusetts, USA.

  CUSTOMER: I’ve been using the library a lot in the last six months to take out books about losing weight ...You should, too!

  Susie Kerr: East Grinstead Library, West Sussex, UK.

  CUSTOMER: Do you have that book by that guy, the one whose brother is on the radio and has a moustache? I think it’s blue.

  BOOKSELLER (jokingly): The moustache?

  CUSTOMER (seriously): No. The book.

  CUSTOMER: Do you have a book that will teach my dog how to speak English? ... Or French. Either will do.

  Hellen Mani: Collins Booksellers, Moonee Ponds, Melbourne, Australia.

  CUSTOMER: I’m looking for a book about the Holocaust; my daughter’s very interested in World War II. But I don’t want it to be a sad book.

  BOOKSELLER: ... Not a sad one?

  CUSTOMER: No. No sad bits at all.

  Madeleine Dowd: Gertrude & Alice Cafe Bookstore, Bondi Beach, Australia.

  CUSTOMER: When is your next Book Club?

  BOOKSELLER: In two weeks. (Hands over a flyer.) Here are the details. You’re welcome to come along.

  CUSTOMER: Oh good, and what will you be doing?

  BOOKSELLER: We have a group discussion about the book nominated that month. It’s all a bit of fun.

  CUSTOMER: Ah. OK.

  BOOKSELLER: Did you want a copy of this month’s book?

  CUSTOMER: Oh no. I don’t read books.

  Katherine FitzHywel: The Grumpy Swimmer Bookshop,

  Melbourne, Australia.

  CUSTOMER: Hi, I’m looking for a bookshop that sells antique door handles.

  BOOKSELLER: Would you like a bag?

  FRENCH CUSTOMER: No no no no.

  (Pause.)

  FRENCH CUSTOMER: Can I have a little baguette?

  CUSTOMER: Do you have Harry Potter’s wand?

  Tom Smith: Waterstones, Amsterdam, The Netherlands.

  CUSTOMER: I’m looking for The Blonde Assassin.

  BOOKSELLER: Do you mean The Blind Assassin by Margaret Atwood?

  CUSTOMER: No, she’s blonde, I’m sure!

  FRENCH CUSTOMER: I’m looking for a book by Marten Toonder.

  BOOKSELLER: Is he a Dutch author?

  FRENCH CUSTOMER: No, no – he is Hollandaise.

  BOOKSELLER: Hi, can I help you?

  CUSTOMER: I’m looking for my friend; he’s supposed to be at The English Bookshop. Are you The English Bookshop?

  BOOKSELLER: We are an English bookshop.

  CUSTOMER: Then why is my friend not here?

  Anne Van Dam: Waterstones, Amsterdam, The Netherlands.

  CUSTOMER (pushes in front of a long queue to the service counter, where a bookseller is clearly helping another customer, and asks): Where are your books on etiquette?

  Camille Minor: Borders, Melbourne, Australia.

  Weird Things Customers Say

  at Weird Things Customers Say

  in Bookshops Book Signings

  Standing in a bookshop with copies of Weird Things ... to sign was bound to get a few strange looks, and perhaps confuse a couple of people, but I think I underestimated the irony of me going into bookshops, with Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops, and interacting with the customers ...

  WOMAN: So. Are you the new J. K. Rowling, then? ... You don’t look like her. You’ve got different hair.

  WOMAN: Can you tell me where the children’s section is?

  ME: I’m afraid I don’t work here – I’m just here signing books today.

  WOMAN: Oh. Well, what use is that?!

  MAN: Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops by Jen Campbell?

  ME: Yep.

  MAN: You wrote this?

  ME: I did.

  MAN: Cool. What’s your name?

  ME: ... Jen Campbell.

  MAN (seriously): And what’s the book about? Is it a thriller or something? Does it have vampires? I love vampires.

  CUSTOMER: I recognise you. Were you on television?

  ME: Nope, not that I’m aware of.

  CUSTOMER: You were! I’ve seen you.

  ME: I don’t think so. I’m a writer.

  CUSTOMER: Oh. Wait. Are there secret cameras here? Is this a fly-on-the-wall documentary?

  ME: ... No. I’m, er, just signing books.

  CUSTOMER: Well, you would say that, wouldn’t you? Hmmm. Wait a minute, I’m just going to nip to the bathroom and do my make up. Then I’ll come back and we can have this conversation again.

  CUSTOMER: All writers are millionaires, aren’t they?

  ME: Nope.

  CUSTOMER: How much do you earn, then?

  WOMAN (walks up to me, holding up a copy of Fifty Shades of Grey): Will you sign this for me?

  ME: ... I didn’t write that book.

  WOMAN: But the sign here says that you’re signing books today.

  ME: Yes ... I’m signing the book that I wrote (indicates Weird Things ...)

  WOMAN: Just that one?

  ME: ... Yes.

  WOMAN: Not any of the others?

  ME: ... No.

  WOMAN: Oh, well, that’s very odd. (She wanders off, looking confuse
d.)

  MAN: Weird Things, ey?

  ME: Yep.

  MAN: You should follow my wife around; she says stupid things all the time.

  ME: Really?

  MAN: Yeah. Not necessarily in bookshops, just in life.

  ME: Oh.

  MAN: Yeah. Like, she tells people that I poisoned our cat. But I totally didn’t.

  ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

  Much love and thanks to Charlie and Hugh, and the lovely people at Constable and Robinson, and Ed Victor.

  Love and thanks also to the marvellous Greg and his fantastic illustrations.

  Thank you to all the booksellers and librarians who sent in quotes for this book, and a big hello to all the booksellers I’ve met whilst promoting Weird Things ... It’s been wonderful visiting so many different bookshops, and chatting to so many great people. Long live bricks and mortar bookshops!

  Lots of love and thanks to my excellent family and friends (especially Miles).